Lucas's Father (PG-13)

[masterfun101]

INTRODUCTION: One day in the bar on the east side of Eterna City, Lucas's father had walked in.
The news was out. Sinnoh had beaten Kanto in a terrifying 12 year war. Lucas, the Sinnoh champion, had the thought of his father throughout his whole adventure.He was fighting in the war. Lucas had conqered the 8 gyms, captured Palkia, witnessed Arceus and walked through many terrifying caves and dungeons. All with the thought of his father. But when his father got back, something wasn't right about him. Like he was hiding something from the past 12 years...

CHAPTER 1: Lucas was so happy to see his father. He ran up to Route 201 to see his father coming from Sandgem Town. "Hi Dad" Lucas exclaimed. "Hello enem- ah! I meant to say Hi Lucas!" "Well that was strange.." Lucas thought...
He continued to act like this all day.Lucas decided to do some investigation. When his father was watching TV, he came in to see what he was watching. It was "Worships to Suicune". Strange. The Sinnoh region beleived in Arceus. The Kantonions (people from Kanto) beleived in the Three Dogs. That was what they were fighting over. After the war, all former Kantonions were forced to leave Sinnoh. Lucas's father was very religous, and would always change the channel when this show was on. But now he was mesmerized by it. Strange...

 

[Sydian]

-headdesk-

No. Uh-uh. Okay, first off, the 'introduction' is not needed. Second, all your sentences end with a period, and majority of them are fragments.

Your dialogue doesn't even have any punctuation, even though it will say something like:

"Hi Dad" Lucas exclaimed.

If he's exclaiming something, there should be an exclamation point.

And don't even get me started on description. What does Lucas look like? His father? Route 201? Sandgem town? Not to mention Lucas' accomplishments are so cliche. He captured Palkia, became the champion, and saw Arceus.

The Kantonions (people from Kanto)

You know, this makes us readers and reviewers feel that you think we're stupid. I mean really. Kantonians? I think we can understand where they came from.

Point blank, go read the grammar stickies, make your chapters longer, and make more sense in the plot.

 

[Blue Angel]

INTRODUCTION:
One day in the bar on the east side of Eterna City, Lucas's father had walked in. The news was out. Sinnoh had beaten Kanto in a terrifying 12 year war. Lucas, the Sinnoh champion, had the thought of his father throughout his whole adventure. He was fighting in the war. Lucas had conqered the 8 gyms, captured Palkia, witnessed Arceus and walked through many terrifying caves and dungeons. All with the thought of his father. But when his father got back, something wasn't right about him. Like he was hiding something from the past 12 years...

CHAPTER 1:

Lucas was so happy to see his father. He ran up to Route 201 to see his father coming from Sandgem Town.

"Hi, Dad!" Lucas exclaimed.

"Hello enem- ah! I meant to say 'Hi, Lucas!' "

"Well that was strange..." Lucas thought.

He continued to act like this all day. Lucas decided to do some investigation(investigating sounds better). When his father was watching TV, he came in to see what he was watching. It was "Worships to Suicune." Strange... The Sinnoh region believed in Arceus. The Kantonions (people from Kanto) believed in the Three Dogs. That was what they were fighting over. After the war, all former Kantonions were forced to leave Sinnoh. Lucas's father was very religious, and would always change the channel when this show was on. But now he was mesmerized by it. Strange...

It's too short again. You need to work on lengthening your work.

Now to errors: I corrected it above. I'm not even sure if "investigation" is a verb, but "investigating" is for sure.

The storyline was unique, and understood. War normally does something to a person, and Lucas wants to find out what.

 

[masterfun101]

Chapter 2

Thnx 4 the tips, im new 2 fanfic.


Chapter 2: Lucas was wondering about the TV show for a long time. He decided he should ask another soldier from the war about this. However, almost every soldier is still in the Kanto area. Except for one. His name is Aaron. After being beaten by Lucas in the Pokemon League, Aaron joined the army. He came in right at the end of the war, where every legendary came and caused the final battle. Every legendary watched except Arceus and Suicune. They fought for their side. It was a bloody battle. Many died. It would be hard for Aaron to tell Lucas, but it was important

Lucas started planning his journey. Aaron lived in the freezing town of Snowpoint City. His Pokemon that were coming were: Infernape, Palkia, Staraptor, Luxray,Bronzong, and one empty space for a new Pokemon. He left a note for his mother and "father" then took off to Route 201.

Route 201 was Lucas's favorite area. When he was bored he would take a book and go there to read under a tree. The tall grass was teeming with Bidoof, and sometimes you could see a shadow of Mesprit coming from the lake. But this was serious Lucas ran through and all he did was easily beat a Starly with his Lvl.100 Pokemon. Then he arrived in Sandgem Town.

Proffesor Rowan greeted him at the enterance to Sandgem Town. They went to the lab.Its filled with Pokemon that could be found around the Sandgem town area and beach. After Lucas told the Proffesor about what his mission was, he said goodbye and left. There were young children playing with their Pokemon. Most of them were Piplups, Turtwigs or Chimchars but one had a Porygon. "Isn't that a Kanto pokemon?" Lucas asked politely. The young brown haired boy had a shirt with Sinnoh's colors on it, gray and yellow. It said SUPPORT THE TROOPS on it. "My Dad gave it to me two Christmases ago. He captured it during the war." The young boy replied. "But now he's back in Kanto making sure it wasn't a fake surrender. "Interesting...." Lucas said.

Lucas was ready to continue his journey. After he got some Potions at the (crowded) mart, he was ready to go to Jubilife City.

 

[Astinus]

This is way too...confusing, short, mixed up.

I can't really tell what's going on because you don't take the time to slow down and give out the necessary information.

Plus, your grammar is all messy. Read over the grammar advice thread stickied in the Lounge so you know where you went wrong with the basic basic writing skills. The stickied guides should also help.

And how come the world isn't doomed because a twelve year old is wandering around with a god Pokemon? Palkia wouldn't be willing to be under the command of some punky kid. This really doesn't help your story out by having your trainer with a Pokemon that strong.

I should really really close this, but I can see that you're trying. Closing this thread wouldn't have the effect that I want, so I'll leave this open so that others can review.

But like I said, please read the grammar sticky. It'll help you so much.

 

[masterfun101]

its ok, i don't think im done with fanfic. i don't rly get it. you can close it.

 

[Astinus]

Oh yes, and let me just use my psychic abilities to know that you wanted it closed. PM me next time instead of posting and then tra-la-la-la-laing away.