Digimon: Battle of the DigiDestined

/Horrible Title.

So yeah, trying this whole fanfic thing again.

Summary:​

In a world opposite our own, a world inhabited by digital monsters, war rages. Cherubimon, a tainted 'Digimon', seeks absolute control over the whole Digital World. His enemy, MagnaAngemon, seeks peace.

In order to defeat MagnaAngemon's forces, Cherubimon has turned to ancient legends: Should Digimon with special symbols on their bodies be discovered, humans from another world would have the power to unleash amazing power from these Digimon, greater than their peers.

MagnaAngemon, in desperation to counter, has done the same; calling humans to aid Digimon on their side with these symbols. Referred to as 'DigiDestined', these humans must now clash in their attempt to win this war.

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Chapter 1 - A New World?​

Blinking his eyes open, Robert didn't know what had just happened.

Sitting up slowly, the young boy took in his surroundings. All he could see was forest. Lots of it. well, he certainly wasn't home. Or anywhere near home, for that matter.

From what he could remember, Robert was at his computer, typing up an English Essay, when an E-mail arrived. Happy for a distraction, Robert opened the message and was greeted with something very odd.

"Robert Anderson,

You have recieved this message because we believe that you are one of the few people with the capabilities to save our world. Should you decide to help us, we will do all we can to assist you. There is no need to accept, simply reply with your answer.

MagnaAngemon, Database Guardian."​

Robert stared at the message for a long while, smirking at its ludicrousy. Him? Capable of saving the world? Or 'their' world, according to the short E-Mail. Just what could he do? Robert was simply a quiet, reclusive internet addict. And what was a 'MagnaAngemon'? Or a 'Database Guardian' for that matter? Was this endangered world a digital dimension?

Still, something about the message seemed... compelling. Robert was tempted to reply 'Yes', but chances were this was just a spam mail, possibly carrying a Virus to destroy his computer. Then again, Robert was sure that his Anti Virus software was up to the task of defending his PC, and decided to see what a 'yes' would do.

And then Robert was here. He wasn't sure when he fell unconscious, or for how long, or how he ended up in a forest. Maybe this was the other world mentiond in the mail? Well, it didn't look that different from Earth's forests. Maybe. Robert wasn't exactly an expert on plants.

However, Robert would need to find some help soon. He was only fourteen after all, and it wasn't an ideal situation to be lost in the forest. And his clothes weren't exactly suitable either.

That would be the case, if Robert hadn't just noticed his clothes had changed.

What is this? Robert wondered, feeling slighty nervous. Was this another perk of this so called other world? Changing clothes? What Robert now wore was a short sleeved, black shirt with a weird symbol emblazoned on the front, dark blue three-quarter lengths, and white trainers. When Robert was finished wondering how the clothes matched his horrible fashion sense, he wondered about the symbol on... his? Shirt.

Taking off the glasses that apparently hadn't been replaced, Robert gave the lenses a quick wipe with the hem of his shirt, and checked the symbol again. It looked like a single, silver line, curling inwards in a square formation. When it reached the centre, it shot upwards, ending with an arrow pointing up.

After making sure the weird arrow wasn't pointing at something falling from the sky, Robert shrugged it off and began walking in some random direction.
For the next few minutes, Robert walked through plants and huge leaves, wondering if there was any encampments around. Or any wildlife, now that he thought about it.

After stopping at a clearing to decide whether or not to change direction, Robert finally heard voices. Feeling relieved, Robert was about to rush to the source of the noise and greet his saviour, but when he listened to the voice, he began to feel wary.
The voice sounded incredibly high pitched and alien-like. He was talking to someone else, who sounded female and a little more normal sounding, but still, Robert didn't want to greet these people unless he was sure they weren't enemies. Or kidnappers.

Quickly, Robert moved back and leaped behind a tree, wide enough to cover him. Crouching low, Robert peeked from his hiding position as two figures came into view, and his eyes widened in shock as two... monsters, entered the clearing from the other side.

"...pid idea using that teleporter." The male grumbled. The monster looked to be about Robert's height of 5'8", although the monster was pretty gangly and had two antennae on his head, forming a diamond shape on top of its head. It was also completely grey, with completely black eyes. ... An alien? Robert wondered, his expression betraying little of the shock and fear he was experiencing.

The female sounding monster/alien, a tiny, white creature with rather large eyes and a red crystal lodged in its forehead, argued back, "Well, how many other devices have we got we got that transport people between worlds?"
"It could still use work." The grey thing replied, stopping and crossing its arms. Robert noticed that the symbol on his shirt was also on the left wrist of the grey monster. So what did that mean?

The little one, who Robert saw had a different symbol on its front, walked a few steps forward and pivoted on the spot to face the taller creature. "Well, there's no time, remember? Cherubimon's ruining everything! If we don't get those powers that humans grant soon..."

Robert frowned in confusion as he listened in. Humans granting powers? Telepoters? And what did these symbols mean? Damn this was confusing. He wanted to ask those two monsters who they were, but he wasn't exactly sure if they could be trustd.

"Excuse me, but would you happen to be a human?" A third voice asked, somewhere above Robert. Startled, he looked up, and saw a green worm thing on the tree bark, just above him.
Robert was frozen, watching the thing above him as it patiently awaited an answer. The other two monsters continued arguing, but Robert wasn't listening. He was too busy looking at the (relatively) giant green worm.

"...I take it you're a bit startled?" The worm asked, and Robert gave a slow nod. "Understandable, this is a bit sudden. My name is Wormmon. I'm a friend."
Robert blinked as Wormmon introduced itself. It certainly seemed friendly. But still, it was a monster thing and Robert had no idea what was going on

"You answered our leader's call for help, right?" Wormmon asked, sounding rather excited. "You're one of the humans chosen to lead us to victory against Cherubimon and save the Digital W-"
"Hey, is that you, Wormmon?" The grey monster called, having overheard Wormon speak. Robert quickly leaped to his feet and stepped back nervously.
Wormmon crawled down from the tree as quickly as it could. "No need to worry, he's a friend too. We're all looking for our partners right now."

The two monsters approached Robert from either side of the tree, and watched Robert with glee. The grey monster moved forward. "You're... you're my patner, right?"
"... I don' know?" Robert said uncertainly. If the matching symbols were anything to go by, they probably were, but Robert was still clueless about everything.
The grey monster stepped forward. "Well, My name's Startramon, I've been waiting for you."

Robert watched the three monsters for a long while, unsure of what to say first. He had quite a few questions for them, and wasn't sure what took priority. Finaly, the small monster spoke. "Well, My name's Calumon! Now it's your turn! Name please?"
"Uh... Robert Pryer.." He finally answered.

"Well, that's one human down. Now for the rest!" Calumon said happily. "I can't wait to meet my partner, I bet she's cute and kind and sweet and kind-"
"Yes, I agree." Wormmon said quickly to shut Calumon up. "Anyways, You'd better get Robert back to the castle, Startramon. We'll find the others."
Startramon nodded and grabbed Robert's wrist, leading him away somewhere.

"Wow, hold on! Just what's going on?" Robert asked, trying to pull away.
Startramon relinquished his grip on the startled human and faced him. "Well, there's no point in trying to explain everything right now. Once we've found everyone, MagnaAngemon can tell you everything."

"And just what are you all?" Robert asked, wanting to at least know that much. Startramon began walking again and Robert found himself following.

"We're Digital Monsters! Digimon for short." Startramon answered cheerfully. "And right now, you're in the Digital World!"

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Not sure how a big chunk of this went missing, but it's finally restored.

Chapter 2 - Puppies and Imps​

Lucy was very scared.

Which was understandable. She had woken up inside some forest, which definitely was not where she had been before.
Lucy had simply been browsing the web for a while. An odd E-Mail arrived, asking for help on something. She simply thought it was a game invite or something, and clicked yes.

Soon after that, she had passed out, and now Lucy was here.

"H-hello?" Lucy's voice was quiet as she surveyed her surroundings. The plant life here looked very exotic, completely unlike the flowers in her area. Had she been abducted?
Just calm down, Lucy... There's a good explanantion for this... The eleven year old tried to console herself. Surely there was a good reason she was here?

Lucy quickly noticed that her clothes had changed. For some reason, she now wore a sleeveless pink top with a knee length, light yellow skirt, and white boots. A light blue bracelet adorned her right wrist and a peculiar symbol on her shirt. A scarlet outline of what Lucy took to be a four - pointed star, overlaying another one. It gave the effect of a shining light.

"... That's just creepy." Lucy commented with a shiver. The thought of waking up in unfamiliar land with different clothes was frightening, to say the least. But if she was kidnapped, why was she alone?

With nothing else to do, Lucy walked further into the forest, hoping there wasn't anything vicious. Lucy was a very timid and shy eleven year old, but she wouldn't mind finding a friendly face right now.
Lucy gave a yelp when her light brown hair was caught on a hanging branch, and quickly wrenched herself free. Really gotta calm down, it's just a branch... She tried to calm her nerves down.

A rustling to her right caused Lucy to yelp and leap back from the source of the noise, fearing what may arrive. Lucy stared blankly as what had emerged looked like a big eyed puppy. It walked forward, seeing Lucy, and stared back.

"... A puppy?" Lucy said in disbelief. She didn't think dogs were native to the forest. Then again, given that this odd looking dog had rounded paws and a large, ring like collar, maybe it was a species she didn't know of. Cautiously, she stepped towards it, noting that the same star-like symbol emblazoned upon her top decorated the puppy's back. "Are you a stray?"
What am I sying? It's not like it can talk...

"Nope." Lucy froze, standing a few paces from the creature, which she was sure just spoke. Blinking in confusion, Lucy asked, "Uh... You're not?"
"Nope." The same word again, and Lucy was sure it came directly from the puppy's mouth.

Lucy gave a very shaky nod. "Okay... Um, Who are you?"
The puppy began to grin. Not maliciously, but still very alarming to Lucy. "Me? I'm Salamon! I've been looking for you!"

"Lovely." Lucy answered in disbelief. A talking dog creature was looking for her. Okay. Not sure what that meant exactly, but she could clarify that later. Lucy just wanted to know how to get home.
Salamon now smiled at Lucy, now coming across as much friendlier looking, but a smiling dog was still rather weird. "Can I know your name please?"

"Lucy. Lucy Reed." The nervous girl answered.
Salamon turned and began walking back the way it came. "Cool! Well, let's go, Lucy Lucy! Our castle's up ahead!"
... What? Lucy wasn't sure how 'Salamon' thought her name had to be repeated, but she was also confused that there was apparently a castle in the jungle. Why? And what was that thing?

"Hurry up please! Cherubimon's minion's might be spying on us!" Salamon called from behind some bushes. Figuring that following Salamon was better than being lost and alone, Lucy hurriedly pushed her way through the plantlife to catch up to the little dog.

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"Hm. Finally resorted to them, has he?"
A growling voice asked his servant, a Digimon known as 'Datamon'. The machine like Digimon kneeling before its master glanced up. "It would appear so, Lord Cherubimon. Five anomaly's were detected within Chip Forest, similar to the effects of when we brought our own humans here one week ago."

Cherubimon grinned in amusement. MagnaAngemon was resorting to humans too? How desperate. Especially since he would have no doubt chosen pathetic weaklings. Cherubimon had made special care to choose humans with immense darkness and negativity in their hearts, allowing them to be merciless commanders to the Digimon they were destined to pair with.

"How shall we respond, Lord Cherubimon?"
The immense, dark coloured, rabbit-like Digimon thought for a moment, before shrugging. "Allow them time to gain their bearings. I'd like to test their capabilities, and show that foolish Angel just how inferior his human accomplices are."

Datamon bowed his head again, which was rather difficult. His four legs were incredibly small, and allowed small inclinations at best. With his report delivered, Datamon scuttled away, back to the Laboratory, where he would be on the lookout for enemy Digimon around the continent.
"Your faith in us is immense and well placed, Your Greatness." Another voice drifted from the shadows of a pillar.

"I chose you specifically because I know you wouldn't fail me." Cherubimon replied with a cold smile. A human was leaning against the pillar, smirking. With dazzling blue eyes and dark brown hair, Damien was a good looking boy in his own world, from a rich family and many 'friends' at school. Like most children with that background however, his parents never seemed to have time for him due to their professions, and apparently the children hung out with him because of his riches. Such a sad, lonely life this child led.

At the boys side was a small, purple Digimon, which wore a red scarf, gloves and a devilish smirk. On his stomach was a yellow smiley face, and on his left arm was a symbol, with a single, solitary, vertical line with a small circle sitting 'on top'. The same symbol adorned the dark blue shirt the human wore.
The Crest of Solitude... a trait for a lonely being. Cherubimon thought. "I'm sure you'll prove that you can draw out Impmon's true power. As will your allies."

The boy continued to smirk at the large Digimon. "Oh, I'm sure they'll do fine. I can certainly gaurantee that Impmon will reach this 'Mega' stage first, though."
"And when I do, I'll prove to them goody-goods that being all goody-goody doesn't pay off!" Impmon chimed in, a ball of blue flame erupting from an outstretched hand before dissapitating.

Cherubimon grinned at the boy's words. Such big talk coming from a human and his pet. In truth, Cherubimon saw the need for a human to Digivolve as being an overly reliant weakling. However, the rumours of achieving power far greater than what a normal Digimon can achieve proved to be very tempting, and Cherubimon was now experimenting. He would utilise this 'great power' for himself to take control of the whole Digital World. The humans would become irrelevant once the final stages were achieved.

"I'm sure you'll succeed. Now, why not go discuss the upcoming battles with the others?" Cherubimon suggested, hinting that the boy should leave now.
With a shrug, the boy left, Impmon following close behind. As they travelled the winding corridors that were long since memorised, Impmon asked, "So Damien, when do we get to fight these losers?"

"I'll give them 'till tomorrow." Damien replied. "No point in defeating them if they aren't quite aware of what's going on yet."
Impmon looked about as excited as a child waiting for the day when he would be taken to an amusement park. If there was one thing Impmon loved, it was proving he was the greatest. One day, he would be even more powerful than Cherubimon! He may need Damian's help to do it, but he had proven to be pretty cool for a human.

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Next Chapter Preview​

Lucy: Hm? Preview? What's this for?

Salamon: To encourage readers to stick around and see what happens next!

Lucy: But... Wouldn't this be unnecessary? I assume the tail is written so well that a preview is not needed.

Salamon: ...

Lucy: ...Anyway, coming up next!

????: Where the hell am I?

????: SOMEBODY SAVE ME!

????: H-Hey! I'm no enemy, I swear!

Lucy: ... I wonder which one is the group leader?

Salamon: The tough sounding guy, of course!

Lucy: B-but he's screaming and running away from the little blue guy...

I wanted to review this because it's a Digimon story, and I like seeing those here.

So far, the storyline and characters are really the same as they are in other "new DigiDestined" fanfics. I'm sure that as you continue writing, you'll break away from what others have done. I will say that the opening descriptions of the sides reminded me of Frontier, so that added to my enjoyment of the story.

Grammar's a little weak overall. A better proof-reading would have caught mistakes, since most were pretty simple. This one in particular I noticed:

When Alex was finished wondering how the clothes matched his horrible fashion sense, he wondered about the symbol on... his? Shirt.

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Name change that wasn't caught?

The rest were just small mistakes, like

"... A Puppy?"

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where "puppy" shouldn't be capitalized. Just take more care when proof-reading before you post to catch these.

As I mentioned, I'd like to see more of this story from you. To see where you take these characters (Lucy interests me the most so far) and just how you write about the DigiWorld in general.

Like Astinus said, you have a number of grammatical problems throughout, to the point where it was genuinely distracting for me to read.

One thing that I noticed repeatedly was improper use of apostrophes. You use apostrophes to show either possession or a contraction, not when the 's' is only used to make a plural. For example:

Correct: Jimmy's dog is a Labrador. (The dog that belongs to Jimmy is a Labrador. This is possessive.)

Correct: Jimmy's going to the store. (Jimmy is going to the store. This is a contraction.)

Incorrect: Jimmy bought two bone's for his dog. (It should be "bones," no apostrophe. It's just a plural.)

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Also, there were several instances where I found words that were missing a letter. Typos are almost as distracting as poor grammar. You need to proof-read more carefully.

As for the story itself, I'm afraid I didn't enjoy it quite as much as Astinus did. There's really not much that sticks out from other Digimon fiction that I've read, and the depiction of that rich kid frankly got on my nerves.

Like most children with that background however, his parents never seemed to have time for him due to their professions, and apparently the children hung out with him because of his riches.​

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I really didn't like the stereotyping here. I happen to know several kids from higher-income families, and their parents are often more attentive than others I've known. One of the things I always admired about the Digimon anime was that the characters were more than just skin-deep archetypes. You're going to have to work on making these characters more real as people if you want to succeed in that regard.

My advice going forward is to shake things up more. Break away from formula, show us that there's more to your characters than meets the eye. That goes for the digimon as well as the humans, and especially the villains. There is one significant detail about your fic that I like, and that's that there's a team of rival humans to oppose the good guys.

I think if you put some time into revising your existing chapters and into the development of your characters, you could have an entertaining and delightfully nostalgic story. I'll keep my eye on this fic, as I think it has potential.

Name change that wasn't caught?

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Oh dear Christ >.< I have an annoying habit of naming most characters in RP's as 'Alex', so when I try and break away from that I constantly write the wrong name. Still, coulda sworn I caught all those mistakes...

I really didn't like the stereotyping here. I happen to know several kids from higher-income families, and their parents are often more attentive than others I've known. One of the things I always admired about the Digimon anime was that the characters were more than just skin-deep archetypes. You're going to have to work on making these characters more real as people if you want to succeed in that regard.

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No harm meant with the description. I was kinda pointing out that the character was like one those 'misunderstood rich kids' I've seen a few times somewhere (Although I can't think of example's at the moment...)

Characterisation isn't my strong point, but I don't intend for any of the characters to be bland. I'm hoping to have each of them develop over time.

My advice going forward is to shake things up more. Break away from formula, show us that there's more to your characters than meets the eye. That goes for the digimon as well as the humans, and especially the villains. There is one significant detail about your fic that I like, and that's that there's a team of rival humans to oppose the good guys.

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I've been trying to think up a bunch of different methods for a slightly more 'unique' style for the story, such as the opposing humans. Although, in hindsight, perhaps switching around typical Digimon roles and trying to highlight the cliché's doesn't make for a wholly entertaining read.

Glad you two found something to like. Guess I'd better focus a bit more on this story then. I'll have Chapter 3 up soon, see if that's any good.

Chapter 3 - The Search Continues​

"Man... Wonder when we'll meet the other humans..." Calumon sighed as she and Wormmon trudged through the forest. The green bug was surprisingly swift, able to keep up with Calumon's pace.

"It should be soon. They should all have landed in the forest somewhere..." Wormmon replied.
As if on queue, they heard a voice calling, "Hey! Someone wanna explain just what I'm doing here?!"

The two Digimon glanced at each other. They were sure it was a human female shouting, but the tone seemed far more demanding than scared. "I think she's your partner." Wormmon said.
Calumon was unsure if she felt happy or nervous at the prospect of this particular human being her partner. The last one looked quiet, but nice enough. This one sounded... tough and demanding.

"Well, better meet with her..." Wormmon crawled through the bushes, towards the source of the voice. Calumon leaped after him, wing like appendages sprouting from the sides of her head to glide.

Soon enough, they found the human. A tall girl, with blonde hair reaching her waist and steely grey eyes. Her clothing dominated by blue - Light blue shirt, blue denim trousers, dark blue sleeveless hoody, only her trainers were a different colour - white. There was also her crest symbol, which looked like a blazing sun, emblazoned upon her hooded jumper. The girl also wore an odd choice of accessory - a pair of goggles hanging around her neck, something that she wore in her world too.

"That's the crest of courage!" Calumon declared, startling the girl, as her wings began to shrink. The girl watched with narrowed eyes as the two digimon approached, taking a cautious step back.
"And just what are you?" The girl demanded to know. Calumon was certainly correct in guessing that this girl seemed very demanding.

Still, Calumon didn't want to be deterred. "I'm Calumon, that's Wormmon. We're Digimon!"
"...Right.." The girl muttered, unsure of many things: Where she was, what a Digimon was, where home was located...

"May we ask what your name is?" Wormmon asked the girl politely. She gave them a suspicious glare, but figured these creatures couldn't do much with her name.
"It's Tanya. Tanya Summers." She introduced herself. Tanya seemed rather calm about meeting two strange talking monsters, but that was how she was. She didn't let things surprise her. She preferred to be in control.

Calumon stepped closer, beaming at the girl now. "Well, that makes us partners now! Look!" The little Digimon puffed out its chest, displaying the same symbol that adorned Tanya's clothing.
Tanya glanced at the weird sun symbol, wondering what it was supposed to represent, but figured her other question took priority. "Partners in what?"

"With your help, we can fight Cherubimon and his minions." Wormmon explained. "These Crest symbols indicate the key to unlocking our power."
Tanya raised an eyebrow, not fully understanding what the bug was saying. Calumon then piped up, "Why don't we return to the castle? MagnaAngemon can explain onc-"

A resounding scream startled the three, and looked around, wondering what the source was.
"Somebody save me!" Someone yelled in fear, and a human boy burst onto the scene about a second later, followed closely by a little blue Digimon.

"Could you please wait a minute?!" The blue monster gasped as it pursued. The boy ignored the Digimon, spotting Tanya and hope filled his expression - only to be replaced by recognition and fear as he skidded to a halt in front of Tanya, apparently unaware of Wormmon and Calumon.

"N-no way! You're T-Tanya Summers?!" The boy asked in betwen his panting.
"Clearly." Tanya replied curtly. She happened to be somewhat well known in her own world (Well, town to be exact) as a gang leader. Not one of those violent, gun and drug laden ones, but more like a large collection of kids who where rowdy, but harmless, and somehow found themselves joining Tanya's group. A rather impressive feat for a fifteen year old.

Unfortunately, a lot of people didn't see it like that. Tanya and anyone affiliated with her tended to be looked upon with fear or distrust, seeing them as nothing but rampant idiots bringing tyranny to their peaceful little town.
"P-p-please do something!" The boy desperately begged as the blue Digimon slowed to a tired stroll. "You can beat them up, right?! I'll do anything you want-"

The boys plea's were met with a hard slap across the back of his head. Tanya glared reproachfully at the stunned boy, who looked like he was fearing his life.
"How about you shut up and talk to the guy?" Tanya suggested, sounded heavily annoyed and somewhat insulted. People who begged favours from her tended to believe she was the type who would send a thug or two to break someone's legs. People really had to learn that she, nor her gang, were like that.

The boy seemed to struggle against doing what Tanya said, and continuing to flee from the monster. His eyes darted nervously between the two as he tried to decide.
While in the process of deciding, the blue Digimon glanced at Calumon and Wormmon. "Are all humans like him?" He asked.
Wormmon shook his head. "There was another human earlier. He seemed a lot calmer. And there's Tanya here, who looks rather assertive."

"U-um, what is t-that you want?" The boy asked, choosing to listen to Tanya, who watched with her arms folded. Happy that the human wasn't about to run away again, the Digimon introduced himself.
"My name is Veemon! I'm your new partner in the fight against Cherubimon!"

The boy gave Veemon a fearful glance. "... You mean, t-that E-Mail wasn't just a g-game?"
When Veemon cheerfully shook his head, the boy groaned, and looked at the surroundings. "Well then, w-why are we here?"

This is gonna take forever... Tanya thought to herself. "Hey, uh... Culumon, This'll all be explained once others are found, right? Let's wait 'till then."
"It's 'Calumon'..." The little Digimon corrected, hoping not to get a negative reaction from the girl. Without any real response from Tanya, Calumon decided to lead the humans back to the castle, when she remembered that Wormmon was still without his partner.

"Hey Worrmon, would you like us to help you find your partner?" Calumon offered, and Wormmon shook his head.
"No no, it's quite all right. I'm sure I'll find the human soon enough..." he replied.

Tanya glanced at the frightened kid next to her. He was somewhat short, definitely younger than she, with messy black hair. His attire consisted of a light green shirt and dark blue trousers. Black, expensive looking shoes and an unzipped, dark green jacket. Tanya could see a symbol on the boy's shirt too. Some sort of cross with four small triangles apparently radiating from the centre of the cross. That same symbol was etched onto the right thigh of that Veemon.

"The boy watched the Digimon discuss what their next move should be. He heard something about a castle, and couldn't understand why one would be in a forest. He didn't ponder about it though, as Veemon was trying to get his attention.
"So, what's your name, by the way?"

"Hm? Oh... Jake Matthews." Jake replied nervously. "So... why have a castle in the forest?"
Veemon grinned at the question. "In the forest? What gave you that idea?"
Jake gave Veemon a rather confused look. So it wasn't in the forest? Then where? They seemed to be far away from any sort of city or town, so how would they reach any castle?

"Jake, was it? You can go to that castle if you want." Tanya spoke. Her words sounded more like an order than a suggestion, and one that Jake was glad to accept.
Tanya had decided to look for the other humans. She figured it would be better to meet with them than to hope they found their own way to this castle, wherever that was supposed to be.

"Right, I guess Wormon and Calamon are with me." Again, it sounded like Tanya was assigning to soldiers to accompany her, rather than simply stating the obvious. As she began to walk away in search of others, the Digimon attempted to correct her.

"It's 'Calumon'!" The white coloured Digimon repeated.
"It's pronounced 'Wormmon'." The green bug corrected lightly. Tanya didn't reply, making a mental to try and remember.

Jake watched Tanya, unsure if he wished to accompany her. She was scary to him, sure, but so were these monsters...
"Well, let's go report in to MagnaAngemon!" Veemon said loudly and cheerfully, and immediately set off in another direction. Not wanting to be left alone, Jake hastily followed.

Minutes passed as Jake wondered if he should strike up conversation. Apparently, things would be explained shortly, so there was no need to ask a lot of the questions he had churning through his head. Instead, Jake figured he'd ask where the castle was again.

"It's actually in a completely different Zone!" Veemon informed Jake as they came across a small clearing with a square shaped purple object embedded in the ground. "See that there? It can warp ya to anywhere you want! Provided you know the coordinates."

"...Right..." Jake eyed the warp point warily. It sounded dodgy to him. What if you tried to think up random coordinates? What if it warped you inside a rock or wall, or the bottom of the sea? Just 'coordinates' sounded too vague a destination.
Veemon didn't seem perturbed, however. Grabbing Jake's hand, he led him to the warp point, having them both stand on top of it.

"Just leave the thinking to me, okay?" Veemon told Jake, who nodded nervously. He immediately tried blocking all destinations in his head. A second later, a bright, purple light seemed to erupt around them, enveloping both human and Digimon. Jake wore a rather frightened expression as he felt a weird sensation. As if he'd just been standing inside a fast moving elevator that suddenly stopped.

When the light faded, he was gazing in awe at the spectacle before him.
"Welcome..." Veemon stepped forward, raising his arm towards the magnificent building towering before them. "To Celestial Castle!"

Next Chapter Preview!​

Calumon: Yay! We nearly have everyone together!

Tanya: So, who do I have to find now?

????: Me. Although we might need to resolve this situation first...

????: -------, kill them all!

-------: hehehe, no problem!

Calumon: Finally, an enemy! Time to show what I can really do!

Wormmon: Oh yeah, we get to see what a combat-capable Calumon does, don't we?

Tanya: So, a bug and a... Calu, against a dinosaur. This will be intense.

????: Are you even taking this predicament seriously?

Glad to see another chapter!

This one, to be honest, seemed weaker than the others, in terms of grammar mistakes and how the new characters were revealed. I'll go over both a bit.

As if on queue, they heard a voice calling

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It's actually "cue" you're looking for.

"I think she's your partner." Wormmon said.

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Now this part happens throughout your fic, so I'm going to mention it once. Also, you seem to understand parts of this.

When you have a dialogue tag, like "said" here, the punctuation inside the quotation marks should reflect that it's all one sentence. So the full stop after "partner" should be a comma.

"Clearly." Tanya replied curtly.

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Same thing here. That full stop after "clearly" should be a comma.

When you have a question mark or exclamation mark like

"N-no way! You're T-Tanya Summers?!" The boy asked in betwen his panting.

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, then the following word should be in lower-case. So it should be "the boy asked..." (Also, "between", as an aside.)

That's really where most of your grammar problems were in this chapter. There were also a few weird sentences that didn't seem complete or flowed well, like Tanya's clothing description. A good thing you can do is read your chapter out-loud before you post it, so you can hear how it flows.

As I mentioned, there were a few problems with how you presented the characters. I will say that I like the idea of the "gogglehead" being a leader of kids who are more trouble than good. But you could have mentioned her backstory or the fact that there's another side to her than a gang leader in a different way than just telling us in the narration. You could either have her talk to another character about how she's different than what people see her as. Or maybe flashbacks. Or maybe pick her or someone else as a character to write from the point-of-view as. (This is actually my favorite point-of-viewto write in: third-person limited.) That way, we get some of their thoughts on how they see the characters. For example, with Jake, having him run into the clearing where the others are, see Tanya, and still feel afraid because of how she treats him in the real world.

You do have a good story idea here. Like icomeanon said, it's interesting to see a rival team of Chosen Children. Plus, I just enjoy "new Chosen Children" fics in general. So I'd like to see more of the story. There just needs to be a little clean-up to the presentation to make it even better.

The first thing I want to say here is that these chapters are really similar to one another. Kid ends up in forest, meets a Digimon, basic Welcome-to-the-Digital-World talk ensues, repeat. This was fine for the first chapter, and maybe even the second chapter, but I'm getting tired of reading chapters that just feel like the slow first episode of an anime. In fact, I'm thinking this story would be stronger if you made the first chapter about Tanya and Jake, and you didn't explicitly narrate Robert and Lucys' arrival. They're just not as interesting as Tanya, and I was left wondering why it was so important that the reader be introduced to them first.

Astinus is absolutely right about the merits of limiting your narration more. I for one thought that Tanya's description as a misunderstood gang leader fell flat. Questions keep readers interested, and answers given right away don't encourage them to stay. It's more powerful if you leave some questions in the reader's mind about her morality and reveal the truth in a more natural manner later. When people say "Show don't tell," that's the kind of thing they're talking about.

All in all, I wasn't impressed, but I wouldn't say that it was much weaker than the other two chapters, at least not the first one.

One other thing: it looks like the end of chapter one got cut off while you were editing it.

Pretty late reply (Damn you, internet...)

@Astinus: Man, I'm pretty hypocritical :/ I hate seeing spelling/grammar errors in other fic's, yet despite constantly re-reading the chapters, then using a spell check, a bunch always get through >.>

As for Tanya, I only meant to highlight her past briefly, and go into more detail later in the story. Unfortunately, I tend to write like that a lot, adding a bunch of background information early, partly for padding purposes because I simply can't write adequate descriptions.

Or maybe pick her or someone else as a character to write from the point-of-view as.

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I've thought about doing that, but I know I'll just screw up and revert to third person at some point. I just can't get used to writing from a character's perspective... regardless of how beneficial it would be.

@Astinus: Yeah, these past chapter's have been really similar... Then again, I didn't want to simply skim over these scenes, since it would feel like a plot hole if I didn't show any explanation for how these characters know this or that. The next chapter should deviate from that though.

In fact, I'm thinking this story would be stronger if you made the first chapter about Tanya and Jake, and you didn't explicitly narrate Robert and Lucys' arrival. They're just not as interesting as Tanya, and I was left wondering why it was so important that the reader be introduced to them first.

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A misguided desire to deviate from the 'norm' and not start explicitly with the 'leader' character. Story wise, I guess it wouldn't have mattered too much though.

Astinus is absolutely right about the merits of limiting your narration more. I for one thought that Tanya's description as a misunderstood gang leader fell flat. Questions keep readers interested, and answers given right away don't encourage them to stay. It's more powerful if you leave some questions in the reader's mind about her morality and reveal the truth in a more natural manner later. When people say "Show don't tell," that's the kind of thing they're talking about.

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I didn't want to reveal Tanya's full backstory right away. Granted, I haven't really left much to interpretation, but I hope to go over her past in more detail, and show why exactly she is the leader, and how she deals with being seen as a menace simply because she's associated with a gang.

One other thing: it looks like the end of chapter one got cut off while you were editing it.

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That's actually how it ends. It was supposed to be a cliffhanger, but I guess I can't even do that :/

Anyways... I'll look over the next chapter again and have it up by tomorrow. Then, I'll have to try and put off the Touhou fic I may or not post and actually continue this.

Roxasabridged said:

That's actually how it ends. It was supposed to be a cliffhanger, but I guess I can't even do that :/

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Take another look at the end of chapter one. It ends with this:

"Well, there's no time, remember? Cherubimon's ruining everyt

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Most cliffhangers don't end mid-word. I think you accidentally cut something off while editing.

Oh, I thought you meant the last chapter I posted.

... And I could of sworn I fixed that too. >.>

Chapter 5 - A Spot of Trouble​

For the past five minutes, Nathan had been sitting at the base of a large tree, deep in thought. He had woken up in this forest with different clothes and no real memory of coming here. And he was apparently alone too, which was odd. Even if someone had dragged him here, just to ditch him, wouldn't there be wildlife?

As for these clothes... A white shirt with some weird symbol, black shorts, light blue fingerless gloves... It was a random mesh of clothes. It was as if whoever gave him these clothes had no idea what a decent look was.
And that symbol... It was a circular object with two sharp points jutting out from the sides, with what looked like a cracked circle in the centre. Was that supposed to mean anything?

Well, sitting here wasn't going to get him anywhere. Nathan had to go out and look for someone, and find out just what was going on. With a sigh, Nathan stood up, wondering where he should go. All he could see where plants, trees, trees, grass and plants.
"North it is." Nathan decided with a shrug, and set off, in what he hoped was a northern direction. A compass really would have helped out here.

For several minutes, he made his way through this unfamiliar forest, positive that it was nowhere near his home. He wondered if his coming here was related to that weird E-Mail he received. It was one of the last things he remembered before waking up here. Or maybe it was just coincidence?
Somewhere ahead of him, he heard a rustling sound. Feeling relieved at having found someone else, he quickly called out, "Hey! Is someone there? I need help!"
A pause, then the rustling started up again. Whoever was behind all that tall grass was heading his way. Nathan waited patiently, ready to greet his hopeful saviour.

A black, reptile like monster emerging from the grenery was not what Nathan was expecting.

Nathan blinked continuously in disbelief as he stared at the dark coloured monster, who gave him a look Nathan couldn't dechiper. He saw a symbol on the left leg of the monster, but it was different to his own. The mark showed what looked like a capital 'X', with a bunch of wavy lines emanating from the shape, as if to show some sort of radiance. It was as nonsensical as the one on Nathan's shirt.

The black skinned creature grinned, scarlet eyes glinting with what Nathan hoped wasn't malice. And then, to Nathan's surprise, the monster actually spoke.
"Lisa! I found one!" It called. Nathan wasn't sure, but the monster sounded female. Almost immediately, more rustling sounds came from behind the creature, an excited voice voice replied 'Coming!'

A human burst onto the scene, her face showing delight. Nathan wasn't sure what this girl was doing in the forest with that monster, but hopefully they were friendly. At least they all spoke English.
"Hey there," Nathan greeted cheerfully. Normally, Nathan was a rather outgoing and friendly person. With the shock of what he was seeing subsiding, his friendly demeanour was showing through.

"My name's Nathan! So, what're you guys doing way out here?" Nathan asked, putting on a large, beaming smile. The girl tilted her head as she stared at Nathan. They both looked roughly the same age of fourteen, although the girl was slightly taller.

"Hey, BlackAgumon, do you see his partner anywhere?" Lisa asked the monster, who shook its head.
"Didn't he just arrive? It's doubtful that they've met up yet," The monster, BlackAgumon replied.

"Hm... Pity. I wanted to beat up the idiot who'd help him," Lisa sighed. "But, I guess we'll just kill him now and find the rest."
Nathan's face was frozen in a rather confused smile. He wasn't quite sure, but these two sounded like they planned to kill him, this 'partner' of his, and some others.
Clearing his throat, Nathan then asked, "Um, If you think I'm really some top secret spy, I'm afraid that's restricted to fiction. I just woke up 'round here."

The girl and her monster friend snickered at his words, clearly amused. "Spy? why would we think that? You're just an enemy," Lisa replied. Nathan still wasn't sure what she was talking about. He hadn't done anything to this girl! Hadn't even talked before now!
"Enemies in what?" Nathan asked nervously, to which Lisa smirked darkly.

"War." At that word, the BlackAgumon suddenly shot a ball of fire at him. He didn't quite catch what it shouted (which was an impressive feat, giving there was a ball of flames in its mouth at the time), but he threw himself to the side just in time. The ball whizzed past and struck a tree, somehow simply dissapitating instead of lighting the place up.
Nathan knew that these two were dangerous. No amount of talking was going to change the fact they were now trying to kill him. Before they could launch another attack, Nathan was up on his feet, dashing through the foliage for dear life.

This is insane! Nathan thought as he ran. What the hell did I do?!
"Should I chase him down then?" BlackAgumon asked Lisa. She looked ready to speed off any second.

"Sure! Beat up anything that tries to stop you while you're at it!" Lisa suggested cheerfully. "I'll catch up in a few minutes."
With an excited smirk, BlackAgumon set off in pursuit of the fleeing human. While BlackAgumon may be shorter, she was definitely faster. It wouldn't take long to catch up.


At roughly the same time, Tanya and her two companions Calumon and Wormmon, were searching blindly for someone else. According to the two Digimon, at least one other human had been taken to the castle before Jake, and there was at least a good chance of Salamon finding one or two of the others. Still, Tanya would rather be out searching just in case.

"Don't you guys have any way of tracking us?" Tanya asked, somewhat irritably.
"Well, there's the Digivice's... but you guys don't have 'em yet!" Calumon said, unhelpfully. Tanya had no idea what a Digivice was, but if they worked as trackers, then they would certainly be useful.
"So, what are Digivice's?" Tanya asked as she pushed huge leaves and branches from her path.

Wormmon cleared his throat. "Well, without going into too much detail, they're devices that are supposed to help channel power from you into us, allowing us to Digivolve at will. They have a variety of other features too."

"Like Digi-nalysis!" Calumon piped up cheerfully.

Wormmon nodded. "And the afore-mentioned tracking of others. Well, the other Digivice's anyway."

"Didn't they have a built in clock?"

"I believe they had built in Sudoku too."

"Guys, shut up." Tanya sighed quietly. Amazingly, her tone still carried a vague threat. 'Shut up, or I'll have to slap you both silly'. The Digimon both got the message, and kept their mouth's shut. Or pincers, in Wormmon's case.

Aside from the rustling noises the trio made, there was silence. A silence shattered by the screaming of someone shouting 'Somebody help!"
"Oh come on, we've just been through this!" Tanya groaned in frustration. She was half expecting to see Jake barge through with that Veemon in tow.

The owner of the voice was conveniently heading their way, barreling through nature to escape pursuit. As the boy emerged, Tanya noticed that it wasn't Jake, although she was sure she'd seen the boy's face before. Another resident of their town? Was that E-Mail restrcited to their specific region or something?
The boy, upon seeing Tanya, didn't stop in recognition. He merely rushed a few paces passed them, and faced her, jogging on the spot.

"Please tell me you aren't trying to kill me too?" Nathan asked, panting slightly. For someone running for his life, it seemed rather unusual to stop and ask the next person they see if they were after him too.
With an eyebrow raised, Tanya answered. "Obviously not. I doubt your partner wants to, either."

"Eh?" Nathan looked rather confused. "BlackAddermon? Partner? I dunno what you're talking about, but that thing sure isn't my-"

"Oooh, another human?" BlackAgumon chirped gleefully, suddenly bursting into the scene, a grin filled with excitement spread across her face. She looked at Nathan, her grin quickly switching to a frown. "By the way, who the hell's 'BlackAddermon'?"

Nathan apologised nervously, while Tanya was glad that at least she wasn't the only one who forgot the Digimon's names. Still, this Digimon didn't look quite as friendly as the others.
"You! You're with Cherubimon, aren't you!" Calumon asked, a hint of aggressiveness in her voice now as she protectively leaped in front of Tanya, with Wormmon joining her.

"You! You're with MagnaAngemon, aren't you?" BlackAgumon mockingly repeated, gaining a rather irritated look from Calumon. "So, what gave it away? My 'evil' colouring? Me chasing the human? The Pepper Breathe!"
BlackAgumon shot a ball of flame towards the two Digimon. They both moved to the side, away from the blast and each other. Tanya and Nathan couldn't help but be impressed at how well Wormmon moved. He was noticeably slower than Calumon, but not the slouch that would be expected of him.

"You guys stay back, we'll deal with this gal!" Calumon called back to the two humans. Nathan was more than happy to stay away from a fight involving the BlackAgumon, but Tanya didn't seem to like the idea of sitting on the sidelines.

BlackAgumon raised her arms defensively as her two opponents moved in to attack. Her large, sharp claws gleamed ominously in the sunlight that made it through the treetops.
"Ruby Beam!" Calumon shouted, a red light bursting from the jewel on her forehead shooting towards BlackAgumon.

Swiftly, BlackAgumon leaped back, the beam striking the ground. As she landed back on ground, Wormmon lanched his own offensive.
"Sticky Net!" As the name implied, a very sticky substance was shot from Wormmon's pincirs, catching BlackAgumon's legs and trapping her in place.
With a confident smirk, Calumon charged forward. "Now for the finishing move! Ruby Headbutt!" The gem glowed brightly once more, spreading across Calumon's entire forehead as she leaped head-first towards BlackAgumon.

"...Tch. Total amatuer." The black-skinned reptile commented. Raising one of her clawed hands, she swiped at Calumon, easily deflecting her attack and swatting the smaller Digimon to the ground.
"Calumon!" Tanya and Wormmon shouted. With a groan, Calumon struggled back to her feet. That single swipe had dealt quite a bit of damage. This enemy was well trained if it was defeating fellow Rookie level Digimon this easily.

With her Pepper Breathe attack, BlackAgumon burned away the threads holding her in place, the flames barely affecting her. Calumon retreated, standing next to Wormmon, both glaring at the enemy.
"That was rather pathetic." BlackAgumon commented. "Bad aim, weak thread, terrible headbutt... did you guys even train in preparation for meeting them?" She referred to the two humans witnessing the skirmish.

"Don't act all tough. That last attack only tickled me!" Calumon lied. Her head was throbbing painfully. This was bad. If Wormmon and Calumon together couldn't take BlackAgumon down... if only they could Digivolve. No way could this cocky lizard take on two Champions.
BlackAgumon simply shrugged, her razor sharp teeth bared in a grin. "Tickled? If that's the case, I'll simply tickle you to death."

"Someone needs better rebuttals." Wormmon muttered quietly. Calumon smirked, ready to commence battling. After all, they'd only just started.
Nathan cautiously stepped next to Tanya, watching the Digimon carefully. "So, uh... what exactly is going on?" He glanced at the girl, and finally recognise her as Tanya. Unlike most, he didn't flinch away. Tanya hadn't given him a reason to fear her after all, and it was clear that they were on the same side.

Tanya shook her head, unsure of the finer details. "I guess that's an enemy of ours. But I'm not standing here and playing cheerleader. I'm just gonna have to kick that thing's a-"
"Tanya, stay back!" Calumon warned, surprising the girl. A commanding tone wasn't what Tanya pictured Calumon possessing. She certainly seemed resolute about keeping Tanya out of the battle. "BlackAgumon is vicious. Get close to her and she'll tear you to shreds!"

"Oh come now, she may be human but I bet she can hit way harder than you." BlackAgumon taunted, ready to finish the fight quickly.

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Next Chapter Preview​

Tanya: Wow, a fight scene! At long last!

Nathan: I hope it doesn't disappoint...

Calumon: Hehe, of course it won't! I had to completely revamp my species just for this moment!

Tanya: Oh? How so?

Calumon: Well, I reconfigured my data so that I could actually learn attacks and Digivo-

BlackAgumon: If you don't mind, I'm trying to kill you right now.

Wormmon: Our apologies. We shall continue momentarily.