Silver Fan Fic

Hello I am and thank you for coming to read this. My name is Rockeymon, I am a fellow Fan and writer. A little back story on this Fan Fiction. I decided to make this after reading "Just a brother" By Sydian. It is a very good Fan fiction and I recommend reading it. I did get Sydian's permission before posting this. Back on subject, this is a fan fiction about Silver the infamous thief from Pokemon Gold/Silver. (sorry if this doesn't give alot of background I just don't want to give the story away).

Char. Bio's

Silver: A 17 year old boy, he has been considered gothic/emo by many but deep down a kind caring young man.

Gold: He is 17, he is a kind sometimes to kind in a joking way but altogether a good friend.

Blue: She is 17 years old, she is a very nice old friend of Silver's, but over the years they have grown a part.

Green: He is a 17 year old outgoing rub it in your face kid. A big rival of Silver's.


"RRIIING... RING" ran the alarm clock as it rang trying to wake up Silver. After a few minutes Silver lifted his head up, reached over and tuned the annoying alarm off.

It was Seven Thirty AM. Silver got up out of bed and stumbled as he tripped over his bag he had neglected to put up the previous night. Looking around he mumbled to himself," Great another day to go on dragging myself around.."

He threw some fresh clothes on and picked his bag off the ground, threw it on his shoulder and headed downstairs.

Once he was downstairs he headed over to the fridge to grab a muffin. While eating his muffin his father, Giovanni emerged from his room.

Looking up Silver said." Mornin' Dad, I may be late coming home today, just thought I'd tell you." Half acknowledging him he said," Mkay."

Dismally Silver got up threw away what was left of his muffin, grabbed his bag, and said," Okay, well I am off to school." giocanni kind of noodded at him in acknowledgment as he picked through the fridge.

Silver headed to the door and then outside. Outside it was drizzling a little," Another day it had to rain.."

Walking towards the Viridian Forest," Hmm, maybe I will run into her." Thinking about what was in his bag.

Right as he reached the edge of the forest Silver's friend Gold came running at him yelling," I Thought you where going to wait for me?!" Remembering the promise he had made Gold he said," Oh sorry I just kind of took of, sorry man." Gold replied,"Man you have really had your head in the clouds the past couple days, whats wrong?"

Blushing to himself he responded," Oh just been thinking about my future lately. I mean you know I'm 17 I only have a month before I graduate, theres just a lot to think about."

~~~~~

This is a little under 1/2 of what I have written (the chapter is about halfway over once I have it all typed up). I will upload the rest of what is written later I just don't have the time right now, Sorry, leave feed back, P and Ty's.

I'[m afraid I'll half to close this - for starters this is in the wrong section as the Writer's Lounge is for discussing aspects of writing and so forth instead of posting your fic in which is what the main section is for. There's also this rule:

Do not post unfinished work.
If your chapter is not finished, then there is no need to post it. Use a word processing program to type your fic in so you can have all the time to work on it. An unfinished chapter/story will result in a closed thread.

Click to expand...

So make sure to finish it before posting it in the main section next time.

*will do review here anyways because I fell like pointing out some other things after said closing* Maybe not due to computer freezing which lost me the review I had nearly done, and Astinus basically covered what I was going to say anyways so no point repeating that.

I'll help bobandbill out by pointing out a few things about your fic.

First, you shouldn't start off with character bios like you did. That information should be in the story itself. Instead of just saying that Green is an outgoing jerk, show it in the story. Show him being a know-it-all by his words and actions. It's the same with all the characters. Their personalities, the way they look, who their friends are... This is all information that should be revealed in the story. Not in author notes before the story.

A few notes on grammar:

"RRIIING... RING" ran the alarm clock as it rang trying to wake up Silver.

Click to expand...

You need some punctuation before the quotation marks.

You should also proof-read this before you post it. I'm sure "ran" should be "rang".

Also, why actually write out the ringing of the alarm clock if you're going to say (twice!) that the alarm clock rang? You can clean up this sentence just by saying "The alarm clock rang, trying to wake up Silver."

giocanni kind of noodded at him in acknowledgment as he picked through the fridge.

Click to expand...

I'd really suggest proof-reading this over before posting. That way, you can catch these mistakes easily before anyone else sees the story.

Walking towards the Viridian Forest," Hmm, maybe I will run into her." Thinking about what was in his bag.

Click to expand...

That's quite a few incomplete sentences. Walking towards the Viridian Forest...? Thinking about what was in his bag...? These sentences need a subject to them. For example: "Walking towards the Viridian Forest, Silver thought about what was in his bag." Now both sentence parts are combined into one, and it's a complete thought.

I'm not going to point out every grammar mistake you have, because quite a many could be caught with reading this over before you post. This review's just meant to point out the larger issues I found so that you can fix those before the chapter's complete.