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Mad as a Hatter!

BareBones

The kids are all messed up.
173
Posts
13
Years
    • Riight. Somehow, I've been roped into an Alice in Wonderland performance. My task? Write a poem that can go on the handouts. I've wrote one, but I want some feedback before I submit it. Be as harsh as you like *puts her big girl face on* I can take it.

    Run past the cat with the grin growing wider and wider
    And past the white queen growing nicer and nicer
    Past the rabbit growing whiter and whiter
    And past the hare with the teeth growing larger and larger
    Under the beast growing stranger and stranger
    Head heavenwards so you're not any later
    Run past the queen or your neck shall shatter
    And past the twins growing fatter and fatter
    The thicker the batter the better the platter
    Hold the cup with your personal tatter
    Don't lose the paper that conceals the patter
    Be prepared to quiet the chatter
    Clap your hands, clip clop clatter
    And when it comes to the latter
    You simply mumble the matter
    But it's okay - you're just mad as a hatter.
    ​
     
    Last edited:
    TJgamer

    TJgamer

    A Pokémon Poet
    1,093
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Age 30
    • Seen Oct 13, 2021
    Yeah, Alice in Wonderland is a great story. Likewise this poem.
    I found it clever on using practically every -atter rhyme.
    The rhythm is a little imbalanced, but still good.
    I believe this should be good for your performance.
     

    BareBones

    The kids are all messed up.
    173
    Posts
    13
    Years
    • Oookay. Taking comments into consideration, I have had another go. Changing a few things here and there.

    Run past the grin growing wider and wider
    Past the white queen growing nicer and nicer
    Past the rabbit growing whiter and whiter
    Under the beast growing stranger and stranger
    Head leftwards so you're not any later
    Run past the queen lest your neck shatter
    And past the twins growing fatter and fatter
    The thicker the batter the better the platter
    Hold the cup with your personal tatter
    Don't lose the paper conclealing patter
    Be prepared to quiet the chatter
    Clap your hands and hear the clatter
    And when it comes to the splatter
    You simply mumble the matter
    But it's okay - you're mad as a hatter.​
     

    Azurne

    The Local Trickster
    78
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Age 33
    • Seen Aug 19, 2011
    I like this newer version a lot better than the old one. I think the only thing that sticks out to me as being iffy is your usage of the word "shatter" when referring to someone's head being cut off. When something shatters I envision it busting into pieces and someone's neck busting into pieces... doesn't sound like it's being cut off. A bone in your neck can shatter, but when the line refers to the neck as a whole it just doesn't fit.

    For the most part though it sounds very good. It starts to make less and less sense as it goes on and that's pretty good for Wonderland standards. Just see if you can rework that sentence with necks shattering. If I think of something that could replace it I'll post a suggestion, but for now that's all I have. :3
     
    Bay

    Bay

    6,388
    Posts
    17
    Years
    • Yay, Alice in Wonderland! :D This is actually a neat idea here you got there. The imagery is weird, but dang it it fits Wonderland well! XD

    I too love the new version better than the old version. I was reading both versions aloud and the rhythm in the second version flows much better and quicker. When reading the first version, some lines dragged on a little bit to me. Also, the word usage is much better in the second version too.
     
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