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Oneshot Galleria

SeleneHime

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I'll t
121
Posts
13
Years
  • Well, I don't really have many oneshots, but a gallery will be easier to keep up with than separate threads, XD.

    Gallery


    Fandom
    LoZ: For Hyrule, or For Her?
    LoZ: Reflections and Promises
    LoZ: Nettles and Lilies
    - Part I
    - Part II
    - Part III

    TotE: Shien te Luiex (Wings of Grace)

    HM: Moonlit Encounter

    Original
    Deception [Below]
    Soul Stealer
    Illusions

    Hunted
    - Part I
    - Part II
    - Part III





    Original base. Certainly not my best of oneshots, but the idea wouldn't leave me be. (It does still seem rough, though.)

    Deception

    Darkness surrounded him. Bitter cold tore through the young man's entire form, a torrential downpour soaking his garments. Rain danced across cobblestone as he walked, hands shoved in his pockets, water splashing around his boots. Yet, the warmth that was curled in his hand brought musing to his eyes.

    Raphael paused after a moment, before withdrawing his hand from his pocket. Gold clinked as it slid from around his knuckles, the chain falling loose as he opened his palm. Cobalt aura resonated from the carefully cut stone, its white center continually drawing the young man's equally dark blue gaze. Water continued to slide off of the Sila, yet only serving to increase the near mythical stone's gleam.

    Did blood truly run thicker than water? Would he even survive after they awakened?

    His jaw clenched, jerking the stone back into his pocket as he moved on. Pondering. Mulling over the possibilities, considering his actions. A thief in the night. And now … He was no better than one.

    "It is just poppy draught, Raphael … We shall be fine. Once it's taken affect, you know what to do. My only hope is that Father never catches you …" Elena murmured, head bowing. Dark onyx locks fell around her face as she sighed, bun coming loose. However, a slight smile touched her lips upon looking back up. "Hasten, and take care. Please give Callista my regards," his younger sister added softly, voice trailing off as she finished stirring the barely tinged liquid into their wine. Unnoticeable in the rich crimson liquid.

    Raphael nodded after a moment, though placing a hand on her shoulder. "You have my thanks, Elena," he returned quietly, though still listening intently. Footsteps were soon audible, heels clicking on the wooden floor. He nodded once, before slipping into the following corridor. Knowing what to seek.


    Yet, his reasoning was now attempting to take flight. Did he have the right to risk Elena, or Callista? War was naught to trifle with, however … There were worse punishments than death. Neither his sister or intended deserved them, but it would most certainly happen if caught.

    Raphael's sapphire gaze followed the ground as he moved, frustration mounting. His pace quickened, one hand absentmindedly moving to the iron ring hanging off of the chain around his throat. It had to be done, and there was no going back now. Bloodlust would follow in his wake. Agony for peace.
     
    Last edited:

    SeleneHime

    The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I'll t
    121
    Posts
    13
    Years
  • ~ LoZ: Reflections and Promises ~

    Clear waters sparkled under the sunset, a light breeze drifting across Lake Hylia's gently lapping surface. Darkening blue and streaks of lavender were laying claim to the cooling amber sky. Zelda sighed, feeling the wind tugging at her long, unbound golden tresses. Her sapphire-like gaze trailed over the lake surface, stretching her legs on the sandy bank. The heels of her short brown boots gouged two small streaks in the beige grains, her pale lilac kirtle almost lavender under the fading light.

    Footsteps were audible behind her, the young woman twisting slightly. Icy blue eyes met her gaze, startled. "It has been some time, Link …" she said softly, noticing the green-clad warrior hesitate. He had changed, in his absence over the years.

    His eyes, once soft and playful, were now somber. Link's wheat-colored locks had grown in the back, now pulled into a short queue. The sleeveless green tunic he adorned was tightly belted, the longsleeved cerulean shirt beneath it clinging to his muscular frame. Travel hardened and scuffed boots encased his legs knee down, gray trousers tucked in the worn leather. Rather than the blue hilted Master Sword, a plain steel longsword hung from his hip.

    "… Yes, it has," he murmured, moving towards her. Farore's Bearer lowered himself to the ground after a moment, his gazed trained on the young woman before him. "How did you manage the feat of escaping the castle, Majesty?"

    Zelda's composed demeanor faltered at the mention of her title, eyes falling to the sand. "I retained some of the Shiekah skill … It proves useful still, on occasion … Might I inquired as to your presence here? You have not returned to Hyrule but once since Gannondorf was sealed … That was eight years ago, Link … I've only heard of your doings, not your well being," the young Queen added quietly, disappointment touching her tone.

    "I returned to stay true to my promise … Unless you'd rather I not stay?" Link queried uncertainly, shifting his weight.

    Zelda glanced up, startled. "You still remember?" she breathed, barely audiable. The Hero of Time nodded, a smile touching his lips.

    "Of course. It has just taken far longer than I thought … Zelda?" he suddenly inquired, his gaze boring into her own. She cocked her head slightly, curious.

    "What is it?"

    Link hesitated once more, sighing. "… To be blunt, I am puzzled that you did not give up waiting a while ago … Why?"

    Zelda stiffened slightly, ashamed. "Gannondorf's reign … It still haunts my sleep … But it causes me to remember, and hold to, what you did. I could only assist you so much as Shiek, though I am still indebted to you. Yet, when I knew you under the guise, I felt something akin to the friendship I hoped we held …" she mused, turning to face the lake. It's clear waters glistened with the remaining rays of light, stars beginning to appear in the reflection.

    She felt Link's hand touch her shoulder, and heard him inch nearer. "And now?" he said calmly, his voice carefully toned.

    "Call me a fool … But still, yes, despite the possibilities. What of you?" the young woman inquired, her tone mirroring his. Link suddenly reached across her lap, lightly gripping her chin as he turned her head towards him. A shadow of his old self now danced his eyes, Zelda holding their new position as he released her. Her pulse quickened, realizing how close they were.

    "Since the beginning …" he whispered, hesitantly leaning closer as the last rays of light vanished. But leaving way for a new dawn, once intertwined destinies uniting once more.


    - - - - -

    An older oneshot, but still one of my favorites. Gotta love the occasional fluffies.
     

    JX Valentine

    Your aquatic overlord
    3,277
    Posts
    19
    Years
  • Dividing this post into separate reviews for both stories. I'm not going to be too concerned with checking over grammar and spelling (due to the Reviewing Challenge), so I hope you don't mind there. I'll only mention either if there's something awkward popping up.

    Deception
    One of the first things that struck me about this piece was the description. You have a knack for creating very vivid images, and it was a good move to begin with a paragraph of it. By detailing the darkness and the cold surrounding Raphael, you were able to evoke a sense of foreboding right away. What's going to happen in the story isn't going to be pleasant, and the reader can tell immediately by feeling the chill Raphael gets (thanks to the term "bitter cold"), by hearing the rain pour on the cobblestones, and by seeing the darkness of the street envelope him.

    Side note, however. The part about the cobalt aura could actually be placed in a separate sentence from the part about the white center. Right now, it feels more like two fragments (because "cobalt aura" actually needs an article – i.e., the word "a") that are merged together with a comma. This goes especially because the part about the white center just doesn't have anything to do with the cobalt aura (the subject of the portion before it) but is instead describing something different. While a dependent clause normally describes the closest word to the comma (in this case, "stone"), you'll want to avoid merging together two technically unrelated ideas in a single sentence this way. As in, the sentence implies that Raphael would notice the cobalt aura, but he's ignoring it in favor of the white center.

    Also be wary of purple prose. Purple prose is best defined as: passages, or sometimes entire literary works, written in prose so overly extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw attention to itself. What that means is, basically, if you describe something using extremely flowery terms just for the sake of being poetic, this can be seen as a bad thing for several reasons. First, it's difficult to take seriously because readers might take it as being over-the-top (or worse, corny). Second, you run at a higher risk of either being redundant or creating a strange mental image.

    For example, "dark onyx locks." Onyx is a word that describes the color black, so saying "dark black" is rather redundant because, well, there's no such shade. (This is a lot like saying "light white." There's only one shade of white; everything else is off-white.) For another example, at another point, you describe Raphael's gaze as being sapphire-colored. Aside from the fact that you don't need to describe a character's physical features more than once (because we get the idea that Raphael has blue eyes the first time you say it), it conjures a strange mental image because you're saying that the gaze is blue, not his eyes.

    In other words, when describing things, don't go overboard with it, either. Describe what you need to, and simple is usually the best for things. You don't want to distract the reader from the plot with pretty mental images, and that's one of the things I felt was happening in this work. A lot of it was just describing things, so we're left wondering what's going on with Raphael – why he's risking Elena and/or Callista, what his father has to do with it, whether or not Elena's giving him poison to assassinate someone, who that person might be… a whole host of questions. And it's a shame because it looks like it has the potential to be a very interesting story full of political intrigue, tense relationships, daddy issues, and murder, but it doesn't quite go anywhere because the story's more focused on describing what's going on.

    Don't get me wrong. I can definitely see that you've got potential. In fact, I liked the amount of detail you spent in the beginning, and I really like the potential plot here. I even want to see what happens with Elena because I feel like there could be some pretty interesting relationship-related shenanigans happening here. Moreover, I feel like if you tone down the description of the people just a hair (and get used to figuring out what's purple prose and what's not), that part would be perfect. The only thing you really have to do here is focus more on telling a story and less on describing everything in it – or at least avoid implying that there's going to be a story somewhere along the line. Otherwise, you end up with a piece that feels a little on the unfinished side.



    Reflections and Promises
    Same comments here. You open up very well with those descriptions. The story feels rather serene because the first things the reader senses are the clear waters, the gentle breeze, and the colors of the sunset.

    However, also the same criticisms. As you started describing Zelda, I began to feel like the prose was wandering into purple lands. While I have to applaud you for getting the fact that you should blend what a character is doing with description (to avoid breaking the flow of the narration), it felt like that passage was getting a bit over-the-top. You have another sapphire-like gaze (which is a bit awkward in itself because of the suffix "-like"… as if to say you actually mean her eyes were like precious stones and not just colored like them), and you end with a similar issue involving dependent clauses. (The lilac kirtle really has nothing to do with the fact that her heels are digging into the sand.)

    Beyond that, perhaps it's just because I don't recall much about Sheik's interactions with Link (having not even seen that particular game in years), so I'm not entirely aware of the promise this fanfiction seems to focus on. For that reason, I can't comment too much about the story itself, although I will say it's rather cute as a fluff fic. You capitalize on the idea that Zelda is struggling with the idea that she might consider Link as a close companion, and her conclusion (that, yes, she can) leaves a rather warm and fuzzy feeling.

    The major suggestion I can make about the storyline, though, is that Zelda doesn't seem to have much in the way of emotion in her decision here. While I know these characters can come off as stoic in the games (Link especially), it feels like Zelda's not really struggling as much as she could be with her decision. Because of this, it doesn't really seem like that big of a deal that she decides to be Link's companion, so it's hard to see why she needs to differentiate between her time as Sheik and now. It might help to add a bit of detail about Zelda's life post-OoT – like the state of the castle at the moment, how her subjects see her or Link, that sort of thing. This will also help clarify why it's worth mentioning that she's outside of the castle by herself. (Note: Zelda outside of Hyrule Castle is sometimes not seen as a big deal. Example? The beginning of Minish Cap.)

    In all, it's definitely a good start. Just be careful about what parts of storytelling you're focusing on.
     

    SeleneHime

    The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I'll t
    121
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    13
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  • Wow ... This is one detailed set of reviews. They're much appreciated, JX Valentine.

    And while I certainly appreciate the constructive critism, I will tell you that both of these oneshots are going on three years old. (The second one is still cute, but both desperately need to be revised. Hence why I'm going to wait until posting "Hunted", and especially "Illusions".)

    "Deception" does have the potential to turn into an actual story, though. You did peg that pretty well. I will admit, I did tend to stray towards the purple-prose a while ago. Forunately, that's passed according to readers of more recent pieces. But, I will offer my apologies that I'll have to cut this reply short for now - It'll be easier to do later when I'm not coughing up a lung.

    *Huggles.* Again, thank you for reviewing. ^_^
     

    JX Valentine

    Your aquatic overlord
    3,277
    Posts
    19
    Years
  • And while I certainly appreciate the constructive critism, I will tell you that both of these oneshots are going on three years old. (The second one is still cute, but both desperately need to be revised. Hence why I'm going to wait until posting "Hunted", and especially "Illusions".)

    All I can say is if this is what you did three years ago with zero revisions, I'm definitely looking forward to a sample of what you can do now (that isn't a drabble).

    Get well soon, and I'll keep an eye out for more work from you. ♥
     

    icomeanon6

    It's "I Come Anon"
    1,184
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  • I'll be reviewing Deception here, and I'll say this up front: This didn't feel like a one-shot. A one-shot doesn't need to tell a fully fleshed-out story, but it can't just be an introduction, either. I think this would work better either as a prologue or as the first paragraphs of a first chapter. The story itself sounds potentially very interesting, so unless you plan on following this up or expanding it I feel kind of cheated.

    Aside from that, I think your writing mechanics need some polish. The descriptions were often superfluous, and sometimes they didn't make much sense to me. This bit in particular struck me as odd:
    Rain danced across cobblestone as he walked,
    I can't tell why you decided to say that the rain "danced" across cobblestone, aside from dancing being a generally pretty way of describing something's movement. First you describe the rain as torrential, but then you say that it's dancing. The rest of the description gave me a slight sense of foreboding, so the lapse into prettier language was kind of jarring.

    Here's another problematic bit:
    ... as she finished stirring the barely tinged liquid into their wine. Unnoticeable in the rich crimson liquid.
    First off, using the word liquid twice in a row like that doesn't flow very well (if you'll pardon the pun). Secondly, "Unnoticeable in the rich crimson liquid" isn't a complete sentence because it doesn't have a verb. It should be a part of the previous sentence. Also, "Barely tinged" and "rich crimson" together like that make this section a little drink-description-heavy. I would trim the language a little.

    The good news, though, is that it's easier to pare down description than it is to add it. You have plenty of good descriptive details and phrases, so now you just have to pick which ones add to the scene instead of cluttering it. I think if you spend some time expanding this, and keep your description in check, you could have a really atmospheric and engaging story.

    EDIT:

    And while I certainly appreciate the constructive critism, I will tell you that both of these oneshots are going on three years old. (The second one is still cute, but both desperately need to be revised. Hence why I'm going to wait until posting "Hunted", and especially "Illusions".)
    If that's the case, I think you should have revised before posting. There's never any rush, and you should always try to put your best face forward. I'm with Jax, show us what you can do!
     

    SeleneHime

    The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I'll t
    121
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  • Now that some of the coughing has receded for a few minutes ... *Sweatdrop.*

    I've got to say, though - This amount of comments in four days is probably a record for me. My writing has never attracted this amount of feedback (throughout my various threads thus far, too). Thanks again. ^_^


    *Nods.* Eh ... I've never had someone give me that comment before. I suppose it does read like a fragment of a larger picture, though, looking back on it. Sorry to have left you dissatisfied with the ending of that particular oneshot, Anon. But, when I either finish (That could be a while ... ^_^") or get stuck on one of my other stories, I'll come back to this one and see if I get any ideas for an interesting plotline.

    And for the quote that both of you responded to, I will be posting a more recent oneshot tomorrow - "TotE: Shien te Luiex". However, as it is based off a friend's game-in-progress, I did let her edit it. Some spots may seem particularly flowery, or more wordy than my usual style, but I'm leaving it as is out of respect for her game. ^_^

    Hopefully you'll find my take on her characters a worth while read.
     

    SeleneHime

    The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I'll t
    121
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    13
    Years
  • u78f9.jpg


    "Shien te Luiex"
    ~ Wings of Grace ~
    (One year prior to current year)​
    Kai Animus: 16​
    Kazea Tetsujen: 15​

    A cool evening breeze slowly drifted through Tresgard, toying with the lush viridian turf and vivid flowers that speckled the town. The setting sunlight danced across the canals of clear water, turning it a sparkling golden hue. The heels of Kazea's boots clicked against the hard path that wove through the streets of the town, head tilted back slightly as the refreshing wind swept through her hip length mint colored tresses. A small sigh of simple contentment escaped the Demi-human's lips, absently stretching as she walked.

    She paused, the steady, rhythmic pattern of other's footsteps suddenly reached her ears. The young woman paused, turning. Her jade green eyes seemed to sparkle in the fading sunlight, brightened at the sight of whom was approaching her. "Hello, Kai," Kazea murmured, smiling at the black clad swordsman.

    The persisting breeze continued to tug at their garments, causing his ebony cape to ripple steadily as he walked. "You always seem notice me no matter what, don't you, Kazea?" he queried quietly, offering a smile as well in greeting. His pale cerulean gaze even reflected the smile on his lips, though almost hidden by his onyx locks and fringe. Crimson touched the pale Demi-human's cheeks, her gaze falling to the ground. "No, its fine," he quickly assured her, his tone somewhat prompting. "Your senses are just more acute, I'm sure."

    Kazea glanced up, hesitating. "I suppose that's true," she mumbled, fingering the material of her white cloak.

    "So, where are you headed from?" Kai tried again, falling in stride next to the female Demi-human as she continued walking. The young man's gaze continued to follow her, causing her own to fall self consciously to the ground again.

    She shrugged, adjusting her soft blue-green wings on her back to a more comfortable position, but also gesturing to the scythe slung across it. "I had to get my scythe tempered, as well as whetted," the Gatherer-in-training said quietly, watching the cobblestones as they moved, resting her palm against the smooth aquamarine blue painted harp that was attached to her belt.

    "Taking care of your weapon is a must. It's good that you're consistent," Kai acknowledged, his tone both practical and somewhat appraising. The human's wrapped hand touched one of the two steel hilts tucked in his belt, the regularly tended metal somewhat warm from being against his the material of his black tunic.

    "Yes," Kazea said softly, clasping her hands in front of her. She paused after a moment, her gaze flicking to the evening sky. Varying hues of blue and streaks of lavender were now laying claim to the cooling amber swath, the few clouds a brilliant array of colors. "… Were you training?" she queried, mildly curious as she glanced over at him.

    Kai shrugged, before nodding. "Yeah, I was. I'm glad I ran into you, though. Is your moron of a Sensei finally gone?"

    The mint haired maiden flushed. "… Yes …" she whispered, her eyes falling to the path again. The female Demi-human suddenly winced, a sharp gasp jolted from her as a faint 'thud' was audible. Pain radiated from between her wings, immediately causing the duo to pivot.

    An animal growl was seemingly torn from Kai's throat, his vivid cerulean eyes flashing when he saw the rough stone that had fallen next to Kazea after contact. He kicked the offensive rock away, the heels of his black boots clicking on the path when he rebalanced himself. A strangled oath escaped his lips when he saw the brown and black clad young man facing them, his eyes narrowing. "You have a lot of nerve, Mavrick," he snarled, moving in front of the female Dragon Demi-human.

    Mavrick chuckled, amused. He continually tossed the new rock in his gloved hand, catching it repeatedly. "What's wrong, lapdog? Gonna to tear my arm off for that?" he chided tauntingly, drawing out the mock nickname. His liquid brown eyes were all but soft, a hardened sheen on them as he glared at the duo.

    "I'm surprised you don't learn, after so many times. It's hard to believe you're so dense," the onyx tressed swordsman hissed, venom dripping from his tone. His fingers had subconsciously curled around both of the slender short sword hilts, even drawing both up an inch to reveal the gleaming steel blades. They shone almost a coppery-gold, the well polished and whetted surface easily reflecting the sky.

    "As if I'm dense? You're at that mutt's beck and call," the brown haired youth scoffed, disgusted. "And I think it's about time that half breed is taken care of," Mavrick added coolly, eyes tapering.

    Kai's jaw clenched, his pale cerulean gaze quickly moving around them. The lumbering shadows of Mavrick's so called friends were appearing in all directions, almost like trained beasts. Ignorant, but regular. He slowly shifted his weight, his hands slipping from the pommels of his weapons to hang laxly at his sides. Though the swordsman's well built frame was tensed slightly, his expression was oddly calm. Anger flitted through his composed demeanor, clearly beginning to lose the inner struggle of controlling himself.

    The additional four had positioned themselves in a tight ring, their eyes alone making it clear they were going to relish what was about to happen. Kai suppressed a groan, well wearied of the predicament already. His gaze flicked back to Maverick, all too aware of the steady glares they were receiving. Kazea was now standing closer to him, almost directly against his back. A faint whimpering sound was audible from the female Demi-human. As timid as she was, one of her hands had even curled into the dark material of his cape. Kai's own gaze edged yet again, now returning his icy glower to the entire group. His self control was beginning to diminish, raw anger slowly becoming evident as an almost rolling broil in his eyes. He couldn't let them hurt her. "Coward," the swordsman spat.

    They lunged.

    Kai immediately sidestepped, moving onto the balls of his feet for better balance. A clenched fist flew past his head, a slight breeze following the swift motion. The swordsman quickly threw his other arm out for balance, as well as to block their reach of Kazea. He instantly lashed out when one of Mavrick's supposed 'allies' overstepped themselves. Seeing them falter, Kai swept his leg underneath both of the lunks under balanced legs, succeeding in jerking a startled gasp from Samuel as he landed on his back, only the unyielding cobblestone greeting him.

    The black clad swordsman swiftly turned upon hearing footsteps behind him, sharply unsheathing his Twin Blades. A long, curved cutlass suddenly clashed with his now crossed weapons. Kazea continued to follow behind him, at least making Kai's self assigned task simpler as the sword continued to press against his dual weaponry. The well polished steel of his almost falchion-like swords glinted as he threw all of his weight behind them, causing Mavrick to stumble back in surprise.

    A jian suddenly swept past Kai's shoulder when he shifted his weight, causing him to stiffen. The thin bladed sword which he recognized as Mitchell's gleamed under the fading amber light, and was instantaneously thrusted at his shoulder again; hoping to reduce him to using a single weapon. Kai sidestepped once more, sharply bringing one of his swords down to avoid his opponent's steel. The Guardian finally lashed out in attack as he glanced over his targeted shoulder, tensing further when Baistan suddenly jerked Kazea away. The unyielding hilt of his blade connected with Mitchell's forehead, a faint moan audible. He then dropped like a sack of wet sand, sprawling on the cobblestone. His weapon clattered across the stone, making it clear Mitchell was rendered unable to battle for a time.

    Heat flared into life mere feet from Kai's face, causing focus to move towards Mavrick again. His Fire Element was now licking at the air, fed by the wind and his sheer dislike. His cynical brown eyes almost appeared glassy from the usage of it, the leaping flames reflecting in his eyes.

    Kai suddenly gasped, the breath knocked out of him as a hard pole collided with his side. He cursed under his breath, which was now coming in ragged gasps as he tried to straighten. The young human's usually bright eyes were now swirling with his Darkness, aura matching that of a raven's wings beginning to appear around him. "… I see you finally caught your wind, Samuel," Kai hissed, pressing his forearm over his now aching side. The Darkness around him was now curling around his Twin Blades, ostensibly just as angry as their user.

    In response, a white-silver aura flared around the poleaxe that was now in Samuel's grip. His own brown eyes were narrowed in return, combating Kai's currently midnight blue ones. "About time we put you out of your misery, lapdog," the Light wielder snapped, gripping the cool pole section with both hands now.

    "Just try to," the swordsman countered coldly, slipping into an offensive stance once more as Mavrick vanished from sight. His eyes were almost entirely black, only the faintest hint of blue remaining in his now midnight depths; making it clear that his Element was barely being controlled, despite its present appearance. Both warriors lunged, sharply bringing their weapons into an all out clash. Ebony and ivory auras blazed against each other, battling for supremacy.

    Kazea's jade eyed gaze followed the duel as she managed to slip away from Bastian's reach, swallowing. "Kai, watch out!" she gasped when the Light suddenly leapt at her swordsman companion. A gale of viridian wind burst forth from the Dragon Demi-human, her eyes deepening to a luminescent emerald as the magic was expelled from her petite frame. The effect was instantaneous as it connected, throwing the poleaxe wielder off balance.

    Pain suddenly exploded in her head, the mint haired female instinctively throwing out her hands and extending her wings to break her fall. Hard stone slapped against her palms, hands stinging from the impact as blistering heat appearing next to her. Kazea tensed, quickly folding her wings closer to her body at the intensity of it.

    "I've been looking forward to this for a long time, mongrel," Mavrick growled, his iron grip closing around her shoulder. The Fire swordsman brought his blazing weapon closer, pointedly allowing the leaping flames to nearly brush her garments. He smirked when his actions produced a faint whimper from the Dragon Demi-human, before ramming the hilt of his weapon between her wings.

    She gasped, eyes watering in agony. Kazea scrambled to her feet, the heels of her white boots clicking on the stone beneath their feet as she extended her wings. Even through the coming darkness, dual daggers were visible to her. The steadily appearing stars caused both short, curved blades to gleam slightly, turning an alloy color. She swallowed, a single glance over her wing making it clear they were closing her space. The mint haired female hesitated, before dropping into a brief crouch—and sprung.

    "You're not getting out of this that easily, you half breed," Mavrick snapped, immediately lunging after the petite Demi-human. Before she could even manage an adequate distance, the masculine human's form barreled into her, grappling her back to the ground as undiluted agony tore through the sensitive edges of her left wing.

    Kazea's head almost automatically bowed from it, her quickened breath now coming in shuddering gasps, the cobblestone wavering in her line of vision. It was seemingly waving like the water in the canal, her petite form trembling when the human finally released his grip on her forcefully folded wing. "Kazea! You have to fight back this time! Don't let that bas-" Kai's voice resonated through the now night sky, cut off by a grunt of pain. An amused chuckle soon followed, as well as chiding from Mavrick's friends.

    The female tensed once again when she heard footsteps, jerking the scythe off her back in one fluid motion as she forced herself to stand. Her balance wavered slightly, both of her wings now throbbing as result of even one being roughly handled. Kazea winced as she shifted their position on her back, an almost dizzying wave of pain rolling over her once more as she adjusted her grip on the smooth black wood.

    "So, you think you can battle us— and win?" Bastian's familiar drawl curled through the cooling air from behind her, sending a shiver equally familiar fear down her spine. The Light wielder's daggers were now glowing, visible outside the corner of her eye.

    Kazea remained silent, trying to still her continued trembling. Her grip tightened on the polished wood, raising her gleaming weapon. "… If I must …" she whispered, not trusting herself to speak louder.

    Mavrick smirked at her tone, noting the hesitancy and slight waver in it. "Then we execute you like the beast you are," he said coolly, leveling his blazing weapon at her. The leaping flames leaped at the night sky, its vibrant orange glow cutting through the darkness that oftentimes deterred human eyes.

    The jade eyed female winced, her pupils retracting to mere vertical slits at the sudden brightness. Yet the iris around those slits suddenly began glowing, the usually soft hue harshening to a luminescent emerald once more. A viridian aura suddenly flared around the scythe, steadily strengthening.

    Raw hatred was visible in Mavrick's hardened umber gaze, his intent long clear. The Fire swordsmen lunged, his grip on the blazing cutlass as he moved.

    Kazea immediately sidestepped, sharply raising her now shimmering scythe. Blistering heat passed by again, narrowly avoiding the material of her white cloak as Mavrick turned. His sword clashed against her curved weapon, the sheer force of his charge knocking the lithe Demi-human back several steps. She stumbled as she attempted to regain her balance, bringing up her own weapon in turn.

    Steel clashed, orange sparks dotting the cobblestone. The Fire Element only seemed more powerful, Kazea's Wind Element only feeding his flames of dislike. She quickly took another step back, unable to fully combat his physical poweress. Kazea tensed, lashing out in attack. Her glowing scythe collided with the still blazing sword. Scarlet and viridian aura flared challengingly, fragments of it slipping away from the weapons. Bits soon vanished, others falling to the ground, providing a faint glow for the remaining warriors and the single magus. The Dragon Demi-human suddenly jumped back, horizontally bringing her scythe across the floating wisps when Mavrick made move to follow her. A powerful gust of wind burst forth, sweeping through the entire street.

    Her attack succeeded in jerking a startled gasp from Mavrick as it connected, causing the swordsman to slide back several feet. He swore, digging his sword's blade into the cobblestone to maintain his balance. "… Behold, my power over wind," Kazea whispered, her glowing emerald gaze focused on the umber eyed warrior.

    "Hmph, the power of a half breed," Bastian suddenly scoffed, startling the female out of her focus; the male lashing out in attack.

    Another wave of dizzying pain rolled over Kazea, the mint haired maiden staggering as her eyes reverted to jade once more. She swallowed, trying to bite back a cry of agony as the human's grip twisted her right wing. Faint whimpers were audible from the Demi-human as she was reduced to remaining on her hands and knees, her vision spinning. Kazea gasped when the strength of the grip doubled, another human's warmth added. A hot tear of undiluted anguish slid down her cheek.

    "I think it's high time we finish this," Mavrick growled, touching the tip of his heated blade to Kazea's unprotected throat. It opened a small gash directly above her collarbone, caused by the petite female's trembling. Scarlet sizzled as it seeped onto the sword, flowing steadily despite the shallowness of the wound.

    A familiar human's voice suddenly cut across her pain-racked thoughts, livid cursing audible. Her eyes clenched shut, fingers curling into fists against the cobblestone as a powerful wave of Darkness washed over them. Both excruciating grips on her wing suddenly loosened as the sword vanished from her throat, several cries of similar agony and astonishment jolted from her aggressors. Thick black thorns suddenly coiled up within a foot of Kazea, rapidly growing to produce a shield. Her head bowed as the gash continued to flow, several locks of mint colored hair falling over her shoulder as the thick crimson substance dripped onto the ground.

    Yet faintly catching Kai's scent, she could hear the folds of his cape whipping with the natural breeze. Kazea swallowed painfully, resisting the urge to extend her wings in attempt to relieve the steady ache—resisting the urge to flee.

    She forced herself to glance up as a grayish light began seeping through the holes in the shield, casting the slightest of shadows. Whilst many sets of feet were audible, almost sounding as if they were limping away, an exchange was still drifting to her ears. Steel crossed a final time, before a strangled oath of disgust was suddenly spat out. Her head immediately bowed once more as the shield vanished in wisps of aura, two sets of booted feet moving.

    A shudder coursed through her petite form when a masculine hand touched her shoulder, trembles once more racking her frame. Kai's vivid blue eyes softened, losing their hardened sheen of anger as he knelt next to the shivering Gatherer. "… Kazea … It's all right," he whispered, soothingly rubbing her shoulder. The female Demi-human remained silent, as if not having heard him. A gusty sigh escaped the black clad swordsman's lips, anger briefly flitting through his gaze at the cause of Kazea's reaction. Though they had retreated nursing their wounded pride, the aftereffects were all too clear. "Come on … Let's go," he said quietly, gently reaching around her still folded wings to encircle her shoulders.

    Kai hesitated when she remained unmoving for a moment, a faint smile appearing on his lips when she finally nodded. The young man reluctantly released his grip when she shakily pushed herself up, feeling her wings push against his arm. Pain briefly crossed the jade eyed female's expression as she fully extended them, the soft blue green hue of her wings somewhat darker from the lack of sunlight, but the apparent damage was clear. Kai's jaw clenched, seeing that the usually invisible tendons in her wings were now faintly visible. Particularly where Mavrick's last hold was, the shifting shades of her scales clearly darkened beyond lack of light; the Dragon equivalent of a bruise, perhaps?

    The swordsman's eyes briefly slid closed, suppressing a sigh of irritation. They had been goading, even harming Kazea, since he had arrived in Tresgard years ago, and even long before that. Yet she had done nothing to encourage their ill tempers, and instead had only attempted to ignore them. Surely her linage alone would not incur such wrath? It seemed he alone found her differences were not a curse, but a boon. Even so, the Demi-human herself insisted that they were unsightly.

    He glanced at Kazea as he opened his eyes again, hurriedly moving to catch up with her. Though that in itself was not a difficult feat what with the unsteady pace she was in, it was obvious even that small resistance she had chance to offer had drained her. Exhaustion lined her movements, the Dragon Demi-human's wings now retracted back against her cloak. Whilst the details of her wings were now hidden, little could be done about the almost jade-like horns that emerged from the tops of her mint colored tresses. They were rather small, giving the appearance of not something threatening, but something that was almost admirable.

    Kai smiled slightly, falling in step next to his female companion. But paused, noticing her balance waver. He hesitated as a slight crimson flush spread in his features, before scooping the petite young woman off her feet. That motion caused the half-asleep Demi-human to jerk fully awake, trembles once again coursing through her in astonishment; Which was certainly not helped when she noticed her position, now cradled in his arms. Scarlet flooded her expression. "H-hey, Kai!" Kazea protested, almost instinctively struggling against his gentle hold as if acting on her draconic instincts.

    "… I don't want you to fall and get hurt. You're obviously having trouble moving," Kai said quietly, staring straight ahead as he walked, feeling the crimson in his face only intensify.

    "W-why do you always do this!? …A-aren't I heavy? You could fall," she objected quietly, her voice trembling, still unaccustomed to such close contact.

    The black clad swordsman chuckled slightly, shaking his head at her question. "Kazea, no matter how many times you use that excuse, you should know by now that I have no trouble lifting you. You're very light. It'll be fine," Kai assured her, smiling.

    "… A-alright," the Demi-human stammered, quickly looking away from his face. A small sigh escaped Kai's lips, pausing when he noticed that the steadily flowing river had broken off of the canal and had joined the path, the outskirts of furthering buildings indicating he was close to the desired area. The clear water shimmered under the moonlight, framed by the lush green turf that surrounded it, waving in the cool breeze that now toyed with their hair and garments. Kazea's head lightly touched his arm as she leaned it back, thoroughly enjoying the slightest breath of wind. The gentle caress of the natural Element drifted through the area, rustling the almost emerald leaves overhead.

    The roaring of the great falls soon welcomed the pair with open arms, the cascade of water gracefully dancing over the edge of the jagged cliff. Once near the marble stairs leading down to the Restoration Shine, Kai abruptly turned and slinked between some trees. The heels of his boots clicked on the hard forest path as he turned to follow the now innate winding trail, inwardly shrugging. Upon glancing down, he saw that the mint haired maiden's brow had arched, curious. "… I think it would be good, to see how the spot is doing," he offered by way of explanation, his soft tone carrying the slightest hint of curiosity. The undeniable sound of the waterfall was still reaching their ears, the trees around them clearly well nurtured by the river. A thick swath leaves half blocked out the moon, lining the whole side of the path as it seemed to shrink before them.

    "… It has been a while," Kazea finally murmured, shifting self-consciously when Kai adjusted his hold as they continued to move deeper into the treeline. The celestial light that managed to slip through the trees danced across the foliage and roots, making the water droplets on them gleam. The Guardian's footsteps were faintly audible to the duo as he moved through the trees, his eyes sweeping over the dimly lit area, the Darkness wielder walking as if undeterred by the lack of light. The hem of his cape brushed over the thin fern leaves as he walked, causing them to rustle in his wake.

    Kai continued to wade through the now thinning sea of green, though aware of Kazea's now trying to adjust her wings again. The soft, yet misplaced scales rubbed against the wrappings on his arms, some clearly catching on it. He hesitated, realizing his hold might be irritating them further. "I think we're almost there," he sighed, his voice somewhat weighted at the thought of causing pain to her.

    She nodded after a moment, ceasing the movement of her wings as she realized he'd noticed. Her fading flush had deepened again; a single glance up at his almost azure eyes telling her of his concern. The jade eyed female's gaze paused when they emerged from the trees, the full moon casting its pale light across the entire clearing. It reflected in her eyes, which were now almost transfixed on the celestial sphere. Kazea was startled out of her almost odd point of focus when she felt her Guardian lowering her to the ground, soft grass tickling where bare skin emerged.

    The young man quickly scrutinized her, his eyes halting at the slight red stain at the nape of her cloak. "… Are you alright, Kazea?" Kai inquired softly, gently pulling the edge down.

    "I-I'm fine," she immediately insisted, the crimson in her expression now contrasting heavily with her mint colored locks and jade stare. The mint haired maiden scooted back slightly as the clasp of her cloak came undone, uncomfortably aware of her human companion's gaze. "Y-you know I heal quickly," she protested when Kai lightly tested the now miniscule gash with his fingertips.

    He glanced up, a small sigh escaping his lips. "Even so," Kai said quietly, dropping his hand. "Kazea, this is my fault. I wasn't fast enough," the swordsman said bluntly, avoiding her gaze. The young man pushed himself up after a moment, walking around the female Demi-human. Kai's eyes halted on Kazea's now unfurling wings as she attempted to stretch them while shrugging off her cloak, in attempt to relieve their obvious soreness. He lowered himself to the ground, causing the jade eyed female to twist in response to his movements. "… Is it okay if I …?" the young Darkness warrior queried after a moment, his voice trailing off as he tenderly touched his fingertips to an uninjured section of her soft wing to finish his question.

    Kazea nodded shyly, before extending her wings once again. She sighed out loud, stretching her arms out in front of her before stifling a yawn with the back of her hand. It was unfortunate, that she had such little stamina. A faint smile dawned her face when a warm touch brushed her wings again, lightly sweeping over the miniscule scales.

    Kai gently ran his palms down the delicate limbs, brushing the misplaced scales that caught against his movements back into place. Each individual yet near invisible scale slid against his unwrapped fingers, which were carefully trailing down her wing periodically. Rather unlike the hard, smooth scales of normal dragons; Kazea's were as velvety as a short haired pelt; almost similar to a bird's down, perhaps. He faltered upon reaching the darkened area of her scales, before slowly trying to brush the highly irritated and darkened scales back into place. The Gatherer winced, almost instinctively bringing the wing closer to her body. Kazea inhaled, unfurling her wing a third time.

    The black clad swordsman carefully continued tending her wings after a moment of hesitance, making smaller motions on the darkened areas. His cerulean eyes traveled over the blue and green hues, noting each discoloration from where the aquamarine and jade colors faded into one another. Kai's blush, if possible, only deepened when she further extended her almost butterfly-like wings against his touch; yet Kazea herself seemed unaware of doing so. He swallowed, before complying to her silent request as he continued. The clearly strained tendons were slowly beginning to vanish from sight with each passing over them, a faint feline-like sound becoming audible.

    A smile touched his lips, Kazea's purr becoming more distinct when he finished smoothing the irritated scales as well. The familiar draconic cooing was comforting to hear after what had happened, a soft happy rumble added to her Dragon half's approval. It at least let him know that she hadn't been extensively harmed from the encounter. Kazea was now leaning back into the process of tending, the steady purr only becoming louder despite her head being bowed.

    Kai's steady gaze fell back to his hands, another gust of cool air drifting through the trees. It blew across the clearing, idly playing with their natural tresses. Her wings were almost luminescent under the celestial light that bathed the area, the soft scales almost shimmering. Though some areas were bruised as result of the battle, the delicate pair remained a feature not to be scoffed. "… They're beautiful …" Kai murmured out loud, his voice barely perceptible. He stiffened when Kazea tensed; realizing his thought had accidentally slipped.

    The Elementalist immediately twisted, folding her wings against her back self-consciously. "W-what?" Kazea stammered, hesitantly meeting his flustered cerulean gaze.

    He reluctantly held her puzzled stare, knowing that she clearly thought her wings were all but. It seemed she was more confused about his comment than anything else though, clearly disbelieving. Kai sighed, staring down into her eyes. "… They are," he repeated quietly, lightly placing his wrapped palm over her hand. Kazea's brow arched, glancing over her shoulder at her wings as if to check, before returning her eyes to him. Kai's fingers curled around her smaller hand when utter incredulity reentered her eyes, his grip just tight enough to be firm.

    The Guardian almost subconsciously leaned forward, enraptured by her gentle jade gaze. Long suppressed emotion was welling up from within him, almost as if a fresh spring had been struck. "…Kazea… I…" he began softly, his voice barely a whisper. His free hand slowly moved upwards, softly touching her cheek.

    Her nearly now nearly non-existent flush was beginning to reappear in her pale cheeks, uncomfortably aware of the short distance between them. Kazea's eyes fell to her lap, swallowing the sudden knot in her throat. "…What is it?" she queried hesitantly, her inner tension giving way to concern when Kai's hand suddenly dropped, the swordsman almost scrambling back.

    "N-nothing …" the Darkness wielder said quickly, glaring at the ground as he stood. The young man's eyes softened as he reluctantly looked in her direction again, his stride covering the now moderate distance. Kai sighed as he offered a hand, nodding to the now uncertain but still exhausted Dragon Demi-human. "… It's late … Perhaps I should take you home," he offered quietly, nodding.

    "…All right, thanks," Kazea returned after a moment, allowing Kai to pull her up as she lightly grasped his hand. The worn material of her cloak brushed against the equally used material of her dark blue shirt and white trousers, now gathered loosely under her other arm.

    Kai nodded again as he released her hand, his vivid blue gaze falling to the lush turf as they began the trek back to Tresgard. Celestial light and a placid breeze accompanied the duo as they moved, wind and the surrounding darkness blanketing the night.



    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    As I stated previously last night, this is based off of a friend's game-in-progress. So far it has been under solo-development for several years, and recently she's made quite the achievement - Attracting game producers to her idea, even. *Grins.*

    And because this is based off of her game, I let her edit it - Both minor changes to her liking and to make sure it is canonically correct. Hope you enjoyed it.
     

    icomeanon6

    It's "I Come Anon"
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  • This is a review of Shien te Luiex. You know what I mentioned in my review of Deception and I think Jax did too about overly flowery language? Well, I'm afraid to say that I found a lot, if not most, of the language in this piece superfluous to the point where it was distracting. What stuck out most to me was how the characters were usually referred to as "the (color/other adjective) (maybe another adjective) (species/occupation)." When used so frequently, this convention can get really cumbersome and actually cliched. There was also such thorough and frequent usage of fancier names for colors that it grew tiresome. Using "thick crimson substance" instead of "blood" in an instance where dense language dilutes the suspense isn't the best of decisions, in my opinion. On that note, there are only so many times you can tell us what certain characters' eye colors are before the description loses its power.

    The battle scene seemed over-long and over-dense to me. The actions could be hard to follow at times, such as here:
    Seeing them falter, Kai swept his leg underneath both of the lunks under balanced legs, succeeding in jerking a startled gasp from Samuel as he landed on his back, only the unyielding cobblestone greeting him.
    I'm guessing you meant "under-balanced legs," because when written as is it means "physically beneath balanced legs." It's like the difference between "kite eating tree" and "kite-eating tree." The bottom line is that it made it more difficult to picture what was happening in the scene.

    There were some things I liked. Kazea's appearance is well-thought out and fairly fascinating, even though the language used to describe it could have been handled with more restraint. Most writers would make a human-dragon hybrid tough instead of frail, so the fragile nature of her wings was a nice and unconventional touch. It also explains why she seemed so scared in the beginning while Kai was ready to fight. It was good, though, that you made sure she wasn't a coward, and had her fight as well as she could later on.

    As for Kazea and Kai's relationship, I'm seeing fairly promising signs of good chemistry, and I felt myself getting interested in them on an emotional level towards the end. But again, the ornateness of the language distracted me and kept me from being fully invested.
    Some spots may seem particularly flowery, or more wordy than my usual style, but I'm leaving it as is out of respect for her game. ^_^
    No excuse. I fail to see how excessive wordiness shows more respect for her game. If the writing style in her game is like this, I highly recommend that she find an editor with some pruning shears.

    There's a potentially good story underneath the language, but I can't say I'm very impressed. I wish your friend all the luck with her game.
     
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