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Old February 17th, 2011 (8:27 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,016
Story-wise, this is good. I know from the Plot Bunny thread that this is going to be an interesting plot. So I'm not going to mention much about that due to spoilers, since this story just started.

The main thing I'll focus on for this review is the grammar. In the first chapter, you still had a few line breaks from I'm assuming Notepad. Just as a question: Do you have Wordpad? I believe that that comes standard with every computer, and it's actually better than Notepad for typing. For one thing, it has margins, so the lines won't stretch out too far for the forums.

Another suggestion is to read over your story before you post it. You seem to know your grammar, so quite a few of the mistakes I found could have been fixed with a proof-reading by yourself. If you're unsure about something, maybe just ask someone to help you out a bit with cleaning up your chapters.

One other thing that I noticed especially in your prologue is that you don't really use epithets to describe your characters to avoid repeating their names in the narration. I'll show you with an example:

David began to turn around to check his daughters, just as he did so a screw from his machine burst off at alarming speed. The screw scraped his arm and ricocheted off the walls until rolling to a stop on the floor. David quickly span around and surveyed his machine. David gasped in horror as he witnessed his machine beginning to emit smoke. The dashboard was glowing red and the screens had blinking warning sounds, David's eyes began to widen as he tried to reverse the errors.
At least one of those "David"s could have been replaced with something like "the girls' father". Finding instances of repeated words and then rewording sentences or replacing the repeated words with new ways to say it will help clean up your story.

Just don't forget to also spend some time describing how your characters feel. Like when Flora is taken, how do Luke and Layton feel?

Really, just clean up the grammar of your story to improve readability, and you'll be all set. Looking forward to more!
Now nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody speaks my name
I'm just another blister in the mouth of shame
A bug in Ender's Game

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