View Single Post
Old February 20th, 2011 (6:09 AM).
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill bobandbill is offline
Lances beat swords
PokéCommunity Daily StaffDSC
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 12,738
I'm afraid I think my writing quality has declined. I'm having trouble finding the right words to describe what's happening in the story, so it may not flow very well.
I haven't started using wordpad yet, I plan to next chapter
I suggest taking your time with writing and editing then until it does feel right - sometimes some rewrites need to occur for the story to come out 'right', so to speak. (That and Beta Readers can also help).

The plot is certainly all right overall I feel - nice way for them to meet up, and character-wise they seem pretty accurate (I don't know Layton characters that well but they seem to be right at any rate, and the AA ones look good to me). I did think that the characters sleeping at the end of the last scene felt a bit off though, especially given for instance Phoenix often not getting sleep when he has a case. Maya in particular seemed a bit too casual in proclaiming that she is going to sleep imo.

There's still the grammatical mistakes here and there as well, which I suppose would be another reason to take your time with writing/edits. A good method I find is to, after writing it all, give yourself a day's break from looking at your story so when you do re-read you have a fresh look on things, and it's easier to spot your own errors or see what parts need work. Here's some of them:
"Now Luke, quite down, we must let Flora get her rest." Professor Layton responded to Luke's uproar, motioning to a sleeping Flora in the back seat.
Besides that it should be quiet, there should be no full stop there after 'rest' as the part following the dialogue talks about who spoke it and flows on, so it ought to be treated as one sentence with the dialogue. Hence no full stop, but a comma instead (as otherwise it's like putting a full. stop in the middle of a sentence - effectively you ignore the quotation marks).
"Hmm... I don't think we will arrive in London before nightfall. I believe we must find a resting place for the night." Layton concluded, noticing the darkening sky ahead.
"Maya, I don't think there are any waterfalls here, stop asking already!" The man said, addressing one of the robed women.
Same here - full stop should be a comma, and 'The' should be 'the'. There's some other instances of this as well, along with times you did it correctly as well, so just look through your work to fix those errors.

A beautiful young lady was at the receptionist desk, her eyes seemed to light up as potential new residents entered.
There's still some instances as well where the sentence is a run-on - it'd be better to split this into two sentences where the comma is as they talk about different things - first part is that there is a lady sitting at a desk, the latter is a detail on her eye and reaction. You could keep it to one sentence but that'd require some rewording, as the comma by itself does not link up the two parts of the sentence properly. (Also maybe consider a 'the' before potential?)
Gasping for air, she feel to the floor, clutching the corner of the desk.
. The manager may have
another urge to steal another person from their rooms."
The only way for the picture name to be accurate is if the picture was extended to make it 3D. As you can see, the indent in the wall is shaped like
a box, and the inside is decorated white. I believe the frame is just a lid to conceal it."
A few times the new line in the middle of a paragraph problem also occurred, and there's a couple more instances of this as well.
On the wall next to the locked door was a picture. It was an odd picture, only different coloured keys were painted on a white background.
Firstly, add in that 'to' there. Anyways, this felt a little bit bland in description imo - 'odd picture' seems to state the fact rather than show us as what follows doesn't really show us why it it that odd a picture - some more description would help, imo.
Phoenix then tried to remove one of the keys, having a lot of trouble.
Another case where you could expand a bit more - for instance instead of telling us he was having a lot of trouble - show us by saying for instance he's tugging at the keys quite strongly and grunts a bit while doing so, which'd let us know he has trouble with it without telling us outright. This 'showing not telling' thing is a good technique as it usually makes for more interesting writing.
"The pictures name is 'The Key Box',"

I suggest against time skips like that, as usually a new scene and enough description in the story/the plot's events will tell us this fact easily enough, so it's not necessary, and can give away a bit of mystery or suspense as well, along with interrupting the flow of the story.

Overall the plot is coming together, it just needs some more time spent polishing it imo. And maybe Wordpad for those spaces. =p

Fire Emblem Staff Collab: Lance Lord Ephraim

Dairy | Drabble Dex | A Change of the Season
The Retelling of Pokémon Colosseum
Reply With Quote