I'm not even going through the effort of trying to read this. Already just by glancing at it, this can drive readers away in a heartbeat. The text itself is distracting because of the color. Don't ever make the text any other color besides black because it is ridiculously distracting and takes a number on other people's eyes.
Tip for clarification: Don't ever recommend someone to use any other color besides the
default color. The reason why I say this is switch to Johto Elite. Notice the dark background? Imagine what would happen if you wrote black text on that. As someone who always had to highlight or switch my styles in order to read a fic, let me just say that it's pretty much the same effect as trying to read a fic with bright blue font on a light background. The amount of squinting you'd have to do with black text is painful
, especially if you're hungover.
Another tip for clarification: Saying "I'm not even going through the effort of trying to read this" to a first-time poster whose first language isn't English (or, well, to anyone really) is a terrible way to review. Just saying. Do unto others and all that jazz, y'know?
Another tip for clarification: If you're going to review critically, you might as well back up your points with why. Example:
To Mudkiip. Hey. 'Sup? Let me tell you about paragraphs in case you're not aware of them in this language.
Paragraphs are a way of separating out information. Now, before I go any further, do you notice how every so often, I put a blank line of space between things that I say? That's how paragraphs are shown online. It helps the reader to keep their place, and it breaks up information into easily digestible parts. Now, you don't want to put blank lines between
everything. Paragraphs are started basically when you start talking about a new topic or when a speaker changes. For example, if you've been talking about types of buttons but then start talking about the history of buttons, you'll want a new paragraph to contain the history stuff. Meanwhile, if you're showing us a line about Mary expressing her love for buttons but then Judy pops up and says she likes buttons too, you'll want to put Judy's line in its own paragraph because it's technically a new topic (one about what Judy is saying).
It's all complicated, but the best offer I can give you is to read other people's work in order to figure out what to do from there.
I'd also suggest working with someone who knows the language well. Those are called beta-readers. We've got a sticky in Writer's Lounge that gives you a list of people who might be able to help you. By sending them your work after you proofread it (but before you post it), you can have someone talk you through fixing up all the odd bits of your story, including and especially errors in language and spelling. That way, even though you might not be good at English, you'll have someone who can teach you and help you out.
Beyond that, there's not much I can say about content because it
is pretty short, but it looks like you might have an interesting concept here. There's a few things to note, however.
First off, while I don't expect you to describe a Pikachu or a Mudkip (because everyone knows what they are), it's a good idea to start us off with a brief description of this setting and where this character is. As in, if Mudkip woke up on the beach and was startled to realize he didn't recognize it, it's a good idea to mention that
before you have him asking about where he was. It's also a good idea to describe the beach before that line because
that would probably trigger the question, if that makes sense.
Second, remember to show instead of tell. For example, you mention that Mudkip is scared. That's fine, but it really doesn't help us paint a mental image of what's going on. Instead, maybe have his eyes widen or his heartbeat pound -- something you'd associate with panic going on. By describing to us what Mudkip is like when he's afraid, we'll have an easier time connecting with him because we're imagining exactly what he looks like at that moment.
Beyond that, you leave us wondering why Mudkip is fixated on Littleroot Town, how he got there, and whether or not the Pikachu will be important. None of that is bad. It's actually a good thing to make readers wonder these things, but even with the chapter properly spaced and details filled in, I wonder if you'll have enough to go on here. I feel as if there's not enough information before or after this -- like you could build up to the point where Mudkip wakes up slowly (as in, by describing his surroundings, by having him be groggy at first, something that slows the pace down a little) so that his panic seems even more dramatic. Alternatively, you could keep going with this scene to add what Mudkip is doing after he leaves Pikachu. While chapter length is not the same thing as fic quality, I just feel as if there's something missing here, and I won't be quite sure what until you go on for a bit longer.
Other than that (and the font color -- which, yeah, you'll want to change back to the default), it's really not that terrible for a non-native speaker. Just... really brief.
