[Pokémon] Ending Sunrise

  • 715
    Posts
    17
    Years
    Ending Sunrise... redone [M]

    A/N: I'd like to thank Fuyu for the title. I'm also hoping for more reviewers as opposed to the 2-3 I'd gotten. Also, just letting people know that Ending Sunrise takes place roughly two months after the events of FR/LG.

    Disclaimer: This fic is rated M, for violence, character deaths and moderate language. Pokémon is © Game Freak and Nintendo; 1995-2011. All other characters are © Legendarian Mistress, barring Fuyu's OT trainers.


    Chapter 1: Preparing for the Adventure

    The town of Pallet was relatively small in comparison to the other cities and townships in Kanto. Most of the houses were built from wood, with the exception of a row of brick houses on the eastern boundary of town, which belonged to the families with lots of money. The sun rose steadily in the sky, lighting up and warming the town as a small breeze wafted along, drying clothes which were hanging on various clotheslines and rustling leaves on trees.

    Professor Oak was one of the most highly regarded Pokémon researchers in the world. He had won the Kanto region's Indigo League — a tournament held every five years at the furthest point north-west in Kanto — twice and had dedicated his life to the study of Pokémon, their habitats, lifestyles and interactions with their trainers.

    Since he was always known as the most renowned Pokémon expert in the entire world, the citizens of Pallet Town had always considered it an honour that he had continued to work in his home. Visitors felt that Professor Oak's Pokémon laboratory was the only real attraction in the town. It wasn't so much a tourist attraction, but more a place where interesting Pokémon events and discoveries occurred.

    Pallet Town was hardly ever bustling except when the newest Pokémon trainers graduated from the magnet school — usually at the age of ten. The school taught the core subjects such as math, science, history, reading language arts, and so on, as well as courses involving studies of Pokémon, which ranged from raising, training, breeding and battling of Pokémon. Their journeys would usually start by travelling north to Viridian City, as it was the closest city to Pallet and the only city accessible by going on foot. Nothing but deep forest lay to the east and west, and the south was a large stretch of water where Cinnabar Island resided.

    As the sun rose even higher, shouting was heard from within a house on the eastern boundary of town.

    "Josephine! If you don't get out of bed right now and come downstairs, then Eevee will have to go up there and wake you up!" shouted a forty-one year old woman with pale red hair and hazel eyes which burned with fiery impatience. She wore a bright red sleeveless top and blue three-quarter pants. This was Fiona Harris, mother of a Pokémon trainer-to-be. She was a very kind and caring person, but she didn't want her daughter to miss out on one of the most important days of her life.

    The Saffron-born Fiona's expression was always half blank, as though she was trying to recall something from her past, but couldn't do so for the life of her. It was said that, while growing up, she was childhood friends with Alexis Barrett — who later went on to become the mother of the renowned Psychic Gym Leader, Sabrina. But Fiona made a fatal mistake. When Charles arrived from Sinnoh at the age of twelve, she became rivals with him.

    This act in itself completely destroyed Alexis' trust in Fiona, and the raven-haired pre-teen became very distant and cold — a trait that was clearly inherited by her daughter. Fiona tried to repair the shattered pieces of the friendship, but Alexis wanted nothing more to do with the person who had betrayed her. The relationship was non-existent, nothing but smashed pieces of a mistake gone wrong.

    "Oh well! Eevee, if you don't mind, could you please wake her up so that she's not late for her big adventure?" Fiona asked the creature standing next to her, who happened to be the family pet. The Pokémon was small and fox-like in appearance; his tiny body was brown in colour with creamy coloured neck fur and his face wore a hardened, serious expression. Two long, rabbit-like ears, which emanated from the top of his head, twitched periodically as he listened to the human's request.

    <No problem. In fact, I would have done it myself even if you hadn't asked,> replied Eevee. The Harris' were able to understand him because he had been with them since he'd been born, which was a few years ago now.

    He swiftly sprang up the wooden staircase, bounding down the long hallway, and hurled his small body against a door at the end of the hall. He glanced up at it, rushed inside and grumbled to himself, because even after making that entire racket to come to the girl's room, she still hadn't woken up.

    Josephine Harris was born into a rich family as the third child of four. Unlike other children from wealthy families, she wasn't overly spoiled. As with all of the other children in Pallet, she studied at the Pokémon Trainers' Academy — or Magnet School, as it was called by others. However, instead of beginning her journey at the age of ten — which was the minimum legal age — she had refused to go anywhere because she wanted to learn more about all of the different types of Pokémon.

    Three walls of her room were made of brick — which had been painted a light green colour — and were completely devoid of anything, with the exception of a wooden framed unicorn picture on the wall opposite her bed and a painting of a girl feeding some duck-like Pokémon in the country on the right-hand side wall. On the third were posters of her favourite Pokémon. The last wall consisted of a security grill protected sliding door.

    <Forgive me for this, Ho-oh, but I've got a lazy person who won't even get off her behind. Bloody hell, Josephine, wake up!> Eevee said loudly.

    Seeing that he got no reaction, Eevee's eyes narrowed and an evil sort of smirk appeared on his face, as he said <Sorry, kid, you asked for it!>

    After saying that, the Pokémon jumped onto the girl's bed and tore off the covers with his paws. He then placed his fluffy brown tail in front of the girl's nose and proceeded to tickle the olfactory. Moments later, a loud sneeze ripped through the air, as Josephine sat up and wondered what sort of pollen had drifted through her open window.

    Seeing the brown coloured fox sitting on her bed with his tail curled around his body, she asked "Why did you do that?" seemingly appearing to forget that today she was to leave Pallet to begin her journey.

    <We have to get downstairs and you need to get ready for your journey. Remember?> the fox-like Pokémon gently reminded the girl.

    "You make it sound like the Pokémon Trainers' Academy. But I know that this journey is going to be a lot better. Okay, let's go," Josephine answered, smiling at the family pet.

    She moved Eevee off her and jumped out bed, as she headed towards her ensuite. The red-haired girl opened the door, closing it upon entering and then turned on the water.

    ...

    After showering herself, Josephine proceeded to dry off her thin frame of medium height and build. She then rubbed the moisture out of her hair, allowing the wet strands to fall to her shoulders, and then dried and brushed it until it was in a suitable enough position for her to wrap a hair tie around it, creating a pony-tail look.

    She went over to her closet and removed two hangers, one of which held a bright red sleeveless top, with the other holding a sky-blue miniskirt. The teen dressed herself, before slipping her feet into a pair of brown boots, and casually placed her black sunglasses over her eyes. In the past, she had received criticism from her peers as they wondered why she had come to classes with her sunglasses on, but she ignored them, as it was just a strange mannerism of hers to do that.

    After placing her digital watch on the wrist of her left arm, she headed down the hall.

    Heading into the reasonably large kitchen and preparing herself a bowl of cereal, she spotted her mother relaxing on the cyan sofa. After eating, she then checked to ensure that her bright yellow backpack with the imprint of a Poké Ball on the side was packed. Finding out that everything was in there, she placed the breakfast bowl in the sink, ran some water in it and headed to the door.

    "Honey, wait," the voices of Josephine's parents spoke up. The girl's mother rose from the sofa as her father wheeled himself into the room. The masculine-toned voice had come from Charles, Fiona's husband.

    Saying goodbye was going to be difficult and sad.

    "Yeah?" the teen turned and looked at her parents as tears started to form in her eyes.

    Though Fiona opened her mouth to speak, Charles got in first. "Jose, come with me to my room, please."

    Looking more than a bit bewildered, the teen replied. "Uh... okay, dad." She followed her father to his room, which was on ground level because of his disability. Josephine noticed that her parent was staring back at her as he manoeuvred himself into the right place.

    Soon, Charles gave a short laugh. "You're not in trouble, if that's what you're thinking. Rather, I wanted to give you your first Pokémon. Professor Oak gave me this responsibility, for he knew on the day of your leaving that he'd be snowed under with lots of paperwork."

    He opened a drawer of his office desk and pulled out a solitary crimson and white sphere. "Release the Pokémon within!" Her father barked, reminding her that he was the cousin of Volkner, the Gym Leader of Sunyshore.

    Many people admired Charles Ryder Harris, and few looked down at him in scorn. Were it not for his disability, he would stand as tall as Lt. Surge, and that's saying something. Josephine's father had naturally short, wavy brown hair, slightly judgmental azure eyes, and fair skin. The man's face was clean cut and wasn't roughened as one might have expected it to be; after all, though he'd lived in a militaristic family, he had not seen war like his cousin had.

    He was solidly built, for he had undergone a different type of training after the accident occurred. However, the defining feature was that paradoxical smile that reached across the entire length of his face. The smile and the slightly judgmental eyes often lead people to wonder as to if he was mentally sane. The issue that could be answered was that he is Charles Ryder Harris; Sinnohian-born, Kantonian-raised and is the father of two very fine girls — Josephine Rosalea and Natalie Riviera Harris.

    As for Josephine herself, she's an individual all to her own. She doesn't really share anything in common with her parents, except her mother's red hair and hazel eyes. While growing up, she was a loner, never wanting to make any friends because she didn't see them as worthy peers. Back when her sister died, she hated her brother for his involvement and for the path of shadows he was determined to walk. In addition to that, she often vented her impatience on Ronan, when he was being cold and distant, and few things made her hyper. My, how the times have changed.

    Putting Josephine to one side briefly, Natalie shares a couple of things in common with her father. She inherited the short, wavy trim — with the only difference being that hers is crimson. Along with the short hairdo, her eyes mirror that of her dad's, but with a bit more hazel from her mother. The downside is that her mother's height will be all she achieves.

    "What Pokémon are you expecting it to be?" Charles queried, seeing that his daughter was still hesitating. He had a smile on his face, but luckily the teen was distracted and didn't see the expression, as he thought back on how he'd obtained this particular creature.

    "I'm not sure. I'm just hoping it's a good one," she responded.

    Indecisive for only a few moments longer, the teen released the Pokémon. Emerging from the Poké Ball was a creature covered in blue fuzz. Her stout feline body and short azure fur shivered in the breeze that drifted in through the open window, while her tail and ears shone bright yellow. That would be useful in dark places, but hardly noticeable in sunlight. Hissing, the cat leaned down on her front legs, her yellow bands gleaming in the sun's rays.

    Josephine gasped loudly and covered her mouth with one hand. "It's..." She trailed off, unable to believe her eyes.

    "A Shinx," her father finished the sentence. "It's no ordinary feline, either. And while we're at it, it's not an 'it. The Pokémon is a female."

    "Are you nearly finished?" Fiona's voice called out from the kitchen.

    Hurriedly insisting that she return her partner to her ball, the father and daughter duo re-entered the kitchen as calmly as they could.

    "It's good to see that you are finally ready. Professor Oak rang and said he wants you to meet him at his lab," Fiona told her, apprehensive that her daughter was finally setting off. She was worried that what had happened to her husband could possibly happen to Josephine as well. Her expression showed narrowed eyes and a slight frown.

    Josephine stood there with a puzzled look on her face, wondering what the researcher needed to give her, but then it clicked. "Of course!" Josephine mentally slapped herself for forgetting such a simple thing.

    As she was about to run to the lab, she remembered that this would be the last time she saw her parents before she left. She turned around and looked at them. "Mum, Dad… this is goodbye for now. I'll miss you."

    Her father stared desperately at her, while her mother placed a hand on her shoulder and answered, "Yes, we'll miss you, too. You have grown up incredibly fast, Josephine, and we understand that you want to go on this journey."

    "All right, I'll see you later, guys."

    "Goodbye, dear. Know that whatever happens, I'll always think of you as a Pokémon Master. I will think that because you went and attempted to accomplish your dream," Fiona said, as she smiled at her daughter. Charles manoeuvred his wheelchair backwards, determined to talk to Fiona in private once Josephine had left.

    Just before Josephine set off, she gave her mother one last farewell hug, allowing the tears to freely flow down her cheeks.

    Wiping away the tears, Josephine started walking towards the research facility that was run by Professor Oak.

    After trudging along for about ten minutes, she finally arrived at the location of the building. The lab's foundations were on top of a hill that was accessible by a long stairway, which took one to the entrance of the lab. It was a two-story ivory edifice that had a maroon roof, which, from the top, allowed one to view the landscape as far as the eye could see.

    There was a lake to the east of the hill and to the south was an untamed forest with no paths. The forest was cut short by an open range, which was met in the north by rocks and boulders. There were Pokémon scattered all over the landscape.

    Josephine rang the doorbell and waited, because she knew that Professor Oak wouldn't be able to rush to answer the door. The wooden door opened a few minutes later.

    "Ah, Josephine! Come to collect your Pokédex and Poké Balls, have you?" Professor Oak questioned.

    "Yes, Professor," she replied.

    "Right this way, then," he answered, as he turned and led the red-haired girl into the lab. The first thing that was seen when entering was an array of bookshelves that were stacked against the wall, stretching from one corner of the room to the other.

    To the right were small computers that blinked with all sorts of dazzling lights, with the monitors scrolling down with data that she could only guess was the research that Professor Oak and his assistants had compiled.

    In the middle, between the computers, was a rather large door. It was used to go out to care for or to study the Pokémon that were kept at the lab.

    To the left was a very large storage room in which the Poké Balls that contained the Pokémon were kept. One could only guess how many were amassed there.

    At the top of the staircase to the right of the Poké Ball storage room, the upper level was desolate except for three bookshelves that were lined up against the left wall; an enormous computer that took up the entire southern wall and finally, a small dome which was the place where the Poké Balls were kept.

    "Professor, there you are! We have everyone here, sir," one of Oak's aides appeared when they entered the large room which contained the small dome.

    "Very good, John. Any news of the others?"

    "Rachel Savina has already been and gone, collecting her Pokémon, Pokédex and Poké Balls along the way. You already know about Paul's hasty departure," John answered.

    "Good. Now, Josephine, I have a few important things to give you. They are your Pokédex and Poké Balls."

    Then, the researcher handed her a large red electronic device, which looked like a calculator and five small balls. The Professor allowed Josephine the time to register her partner's data into her Pokédex.

    "Shinx, the Flash Pokémon — a Pokémon of the Electric type. Shinx's forelegs have a muscle-based system of generating electricity. Their bodies shine if endangered," the device reported in a monotonous voice.

    "Let me explain what I handed to you before," Professor Oak began, just as the newbie trainer recalled her starter.

    "No, it's alright. Thanks anyway, Professor Oak. I haven't forgotten the explanation from when you told me the first time," Josephine answered, nodding sincerely.

    She walked back through the building and out the front door, waving goodbye to Professor Oak as she did so. Then, she looked up as she began to walk down the road, away from her house. The sun was now in plain view, almost blinding from where she was standing and the grass was glimmering as the dew dropped from each blade.

    Josephine's Pokémon journey, as well as the day, was just beginning. She had her first Pokémon, and already knew where she was to go next — Viridian City. Now with determination in her hazel eyes, she continued to look at the sky. As an official trainer, she then looked down at the orb which contained her partner.

    "Shinx, you are my key to becoming one of the best," the teen murmured, smiling proudly.
     
    Before I start the review, I want to say this real quick.

    A/N: I'd like to thank Fuyu for the title. I'm also hoping for more reviewers as opposed to the 2-3 I'd gotten. Also, just letting people know that Ending Sunrise takes place roughly two months after the events of FR/LG.
    I hope you won't get discouraged writing this piece because you don't have a lot of reviews. True, we post our fics so that others could read and comment on it (and it's not a bad thing that reviews motivate us to write), but don't be like "I won't write the next chapter until I get x amount of reviews" as that'll send bad signals to people stumbling upon your fic. Okay, enough of my rambling. ^^; Review time!

    Now, I remember you posted Ending Sunrise a while back, but I haven't gotten the chance to look at it. So yeah, I can't compare how better this version is from the original. I'll comment on my thoughts over some of the parts, though.

    As the sun rose even higher, shouting was heard from within a house on the eastern boundary of town.

    "Josephine! If you don't get out of bed right now and come downstairs, then Eevee will have to go up there and wake you up!" shouted a forty-one year old woman with pale red hair and hazel eyes which burned with fiery impatience. She wore a bright red sleeveless top and blue three-quarter pants. This was Fiona Harris, mother of a Pokémon trainer-to-be. She was a very kind and caring person, but she didn't want her daughter to miss out on one of the most important days of her life.
    In the second paragraph, you already mentioned the shouting, so mentioning Fiona shouting is a bit redundant. Also, the rest of the paragraph seems like info dump and isn't needed. First off, what she wears isn't really that important unless it serves a plot point (investigations in mystery stories, for instance). We the readers already know the mother doesn't want her daughter to miss out on getting her Pokemon. While I'm at it, you should show how she was a kind and caring person instead of telling us that.

    The part where Fiona goes tell the Eevee to wake Josephine up—again, the readers already know how an Eevee look like. Unless that Eevee is a shiny or has something different from the other Eevee (like a deep scar on its cheek, for instance), there's no need to describe how it looks like. I admit, he has a cute personality though, hehe.

    All right, this is my opinion, so you don't have to agree with me on this, but I have seen this many times. I'm not convinced of Josephine staying at school to learn more about the different types of Pokemon. Sure, school you learn a few things, but you learn more stuff by hands on experience. Like how you'll learn more stuff while doing an internship/research project, trainers will learn more about Pokemon if they go travel and meet a lot of them.

    The part where Josephine is getting ready I don't think is needed. It slows the plot down and nothing exciting really happened.

    Were it not for his disability, he would stand as tall as Lt. Surge, and that's saying something.
    This part I feel is disrespectful, per say. You're saying that because of his disability, he's not tall anymore. That's like undermining what he could do while in a wheelchair. It's probably best if that part is left off.

    Josephine's father mentioning the Shinx is no ordinary feline makes me slightly weary because I'm wondering what Josephine did to deserve a special Shinx (assuming it is special in some way).

    Overall not much of a great start here. Pretty much the beginning isn't much different from the other journey fics with trainers starting out.

    The biggest problem is that many times you info dump on the character's past (Jospehine's mom and dad, for instance) that seemed isn't that important for plot and character development. If some of the info dump are indeed important, you gradually let the readers know more about the characters gradually so that we can witness their personality growth.

    Despite the first chapter not really catching my interest at first, I'll wait for a couple more chapters before determining if this fic has some potential.
     
    Hello again, good friend. First off, it is good to see that you are back doing Pokemon fan fiction amongst the various other works you have been dedicated too. I thought this event deserved a good review, even though I must say that Bay Alexison (which you did a wonderful review) said many of the things that I wanted to say. However, I still have some tricks up my sleeve to make a good review on your story. I hope that you find this review both helpful and encouraging.

    Out of all the descriptions that you laid out on the table, I think that you did the best with Charles. This is both a plus and a minus because I felt like Josephine's description (which I assume is going to be the main character, correct me if I'm wrong) was a bit lacking in comparison. Its nice setting the stage for all of your character, but prioritizing the from what needs to be the most descriptive to what you can sort of cut around has to be established.

    There was times where you just kind of gave information out of nowhere. An example of this is:

    "As for Josephine herself, she's an individual all to her own. She doesn't really share anything in common with her parents, except her mother's red hair and hazel eyes. While growing up, she was a loner, never wanting to make any friends because she didn't see them as worthy peers. Back when her sister died, she hated her brother for his involvement and for the path of shadows he was determined to walk. In addition to that, she often vented her impatience on Ronan, when he was being cold and distant, and few things made her hyper. My, how the times have changed."
    There was a large jump between explaining Charles, and then to Josephine's past without a clear link. You have use clear information, but hardly set us up for it. I found myself think you are going to go smoothly from Charles' fatherhood to Josephine—which admittedly is rather difficult if you aren't experienced in those type of things. Just remember, the story has to flow from one point to another smoothly. Each sentence flows to the next and each paragraph in the same matter.

    Other than, this was a great start on something good. I cannot say too much about since it is the first chapter. However, I will try to keep an eye on it and review as much as I can. It may not always be a large review, but it will be something to tell you that I am still reading. Thanks.
     
    Just picking out a couple of things as I go.

    Professor Oak was one of the most highly regarded Pokémon researchers in the world
    She was a very kind and caring person
    In general, you want to show and not tell. It happens a lot in your writing, I've noticed, and these two are just the first that jumped out at me here. You see, as a reader, I don't want to be just told things. Show us how Oak is regarded, and show us how kind and caring Josephine's mum is.

    Also I can't read this with a straight face because I saw A Series of Unfortunate Events the other day orz

    The Saffron-born Fiona's expression was always half blank, as though she was trying to recall something from her past, but couldn't do so for the life of her. It was said that, while growing up, she was childhood friends with Alexis Barrett — who later went on to become the mother of the renowned Psychic Gym Leader, Sabrina. But Fiona made a fatal mistake. When Charles arrived from Sinnoh at the age of twelve, she became rivals with him.

    This act in itself completely destroyed Alexis' trust in Fiona, and the raven-haired pre-teen became very distant and cold — a trait that was clearly inherited by her daughter. Fiona tried to repair the shattered pieces of the friendship, but Alexis wanted nothing more to do with the person who had betrayed her. The relationship was non-existent, nothing but smashed pieces of a mistake gone wrong.
    This passage confused the HELL out of me. Firstly, I have no idea why becoming rivals with Charles would destroy Alexis' trust in Fiona. I mean, I can draw some vague conclusions, but only through my own, limited knowledge of human social behaviour. I don't really get how becoming rivals with someone is a betrayal of your own friend. Was Alexis friends with Charles, and did she see Fiona's rivalry with him as turning against her, or what?

    Secondly, this passage is told in the same tense as the rest of the fic, which makes it hard to separate. Because it's an anecdote being told in the past of the past, so to speak, you'd probably be after the past perfect here. ie: 'she had become rivals with him' as opposed to 'she became rivals with him'. Without this, it's a little difficult to discern that we're suddenly twenty years back in time or however long it is.

    The Harris' were able to understand him because he had been with them since he'd been born, which was a few years ago now.
    hurk what.

    I'm sorry. Getting over my instinctive mistrust of fics where humans can understand Pokemon, this seems a bit unlikely. No matter how well you know a Pokemon, I find it stretches my willing suspension of disbelief when your characters draw complex sentences like "No problem. In fact, I would have done it myself even if you hadn't asked," out of a few squeaks. This seems somewhat unrealistic to me. While I could understand, perhaps, a person understanding basic messages such as 'yes', 'no', 'I want food' and 'I don't like this guy', such vocabulary would be incredibly hard to comprehend, if the Pokemon could even convey it to begin with.

    Three walls of her room were made of brick — which had been painted a light green colour — and were completely devoid of anything, with the exception of a wooden framed unicorn picture on the wall opposite her bed and a painting of a girl feeding some duck-like Pokémon in the country on the right-hand side wall. On the third were posters of her favourite Pokémon. The last wall consisted of a security grill protected sliding door.
    Mentioning this here because it was a bit hard to get what the last sentence meant. For a minute, I thought that her parents kept her shut in her room under lock and key. Perhaps it could have been better-phrased?

    "You make it sound like the Pokémon Trainers' Academy. But I know that this journey is going to be a lot better. Okay, let's go,"
    This, I . . . I just don't get. What did Eevee 'make sound like the Pokemon Trainers' Academy'? Josephine's syntax is confusing me greatly already.

    She moved Eevee off her and jumped out bed, as she headed towards her ensuite.
    WOW MAGICAL APPEARING ENSUITE :O

    I don't remember it being mentioned when you described her room, so it came a little bit out of nowhere for me.

    She went over to her closet and removed two hangers, one of which held a bright red sleeveless top, with the other holding a sky-blue miniskirt. The teen dressed herself, before slipping her feet into a pair of brown boots, and casually placed her black sunglasses over her eyes. In the past, she had received criticism from her peers as they wondered why she had come to classes with her sunglasses on, but she ignored them, as it was just a strange mannerism of hers to do that.

    After placing her digital watch on the wrist of her left arm, she headed down the hall.
    The sunglasses thing is weird, but I'm hoping there's some explanation forthcoming beyond 'well, she felt like it'. That aside, your description here - as well as elsewhere already - is rather clinical. It feels unnatural and rather appears that you're just listing things because you know you have to. If I may be egotistical enough to quote one of my own fics . . .

    "Tch," Steven tutted. "That girl . . . oh, well. It is of no great importance." He paused, staring at Ren for a few moments, looking him up and down. Ren shifted uncomfortably in his seat, suddenly very aware that his unruly brown hair was sticking up all over the place, a pet hate of his mother's. He was only wearing ratty old jeans and a red t-shirt, too – he hadn't had time to get changed before he left for the train station. He felt very scruffy next to the immaculate Steven in his black pants and collared shirt with its purple zigzags. He sank slightly into his chair, as if it would prevent Steven from seeing him.
    (Only using this because I wrote it an hour ago and it's fresh in my mind. I'd find a better example, but . . .) This piece interweaves description with pertinent narration. What Ren is wearing is important because it affects Steven's impression of him. You're on the right track with Fiona's eyes, but the description still feels a bit forced - again, as if you're putting it in because you have to. Try playing around a bit with where it sits, too. It's not always necessary to have it all dumped in the first few paragraphs. The above example comes from near the end of my second chapter. Before that, I dropped a mention of 'his tousled brown hair' and 'heavy shoes clunking on the stairs' and that was about it. Less is often more when it comes to writing.

    The masculine-toned voice had come from Charles, Fiona's husband.
    This feels a bit . . . unnecessary. Using 'masculine-toned' as an adjective feels odd, as it's not something you'd normally say. I'd personally just go for 'The deeper of the two voices had . . .' if it was at all necessary to leave that line in.

    Were it not for his disability, he would stand as tall as Lt. Surge, and that's saying something.
    Present tense alert! I think you want 'that was saying something'. When used in conjunction with the conditional tense, the present tense sounds a bit funny.

    The issue that could be answered was that he is Charles Ryder Harris
    whoa whoa whoa. This sentence is - I just . . . I mean. Gah. I'm sorry, but I don't even know what it's trying to say. I've gone back and read it a dozen times and it doesn't make any more sense. The syntax is awkward and it feels really unnatural to say aloud. It seems to me that 'the issue' is that he is Charles Ryder Harris, which is a problem . . . how? @_@

    As for Josephine herself, she's an individual all to her own. She doesn't really share anything in common with her parents, except her mother's red hair and hazel eyes. While growing up, she was a loner, never wanting to make any friends because she didn't see them as worthy peers. Back when her sister died, she hated her brother for his involvement and for the path of shadows he was determined to walk. In addition to that, she often vented her impatience on Ronan, when he was being cold and distant, and few things made her hyper. My, how the times have changed.

    Putting Josephine to one side briefly, Natalie shares a couple of things in common with her father. She inherited the short, wavy trim — with the only difference being that hers is crimson. Along with the short hairdo, her eyes mirror that of her dad's, but with a bit more hazel from her mother. The downside is that her mother's height will be all she achieves.
    Yeah no you're doing it again. This is the tense problem again. Pick one and stick to it, using others when necessary, and only then. In this case, the bolded parts should be regular past tense like the rest of the fic, and the parts in italics should be that past perfect I mentioned before. Doing it like this ruins the flow of the story for your readers.

    Also, Natalie has no significance in the story right now. If you really must describe her here - which I imagine you don't - find a way to link it that's less clumsy than 'Putting Josephine to one side briefly'. Doing it like this is just drawing attention to the fact that you're giving irrelevant details. You don't want to throw the pace of the story off - only include what you need.

    "What Pokémon are you expecting it to be?"
    Because Charles is - essentially - giving Josephine a choice of one quantity from a list of several (hundred), I think you'd be better off using 'which' here instead of 'what'. Either that, or keep 'what' and drop 'Pokemon'. Either way would be much more natural.

    Also, it seemed weird to me for a moment until I reread it - earlier, you had Charles say 'Release the Pokemon within!'. At the time, I didn't realise he was addressing this statement to Josephine, and thought that he was releasing the Pokemon from its ball himself. This began to seem odd when we came out of the - awfully sporadic - lump of description.

    Hissing, the cat leaned down on her front legs
    This action seems off. What exactly does it mean to 'lean down' on your front legs? It brings to mind a picture of the poor little thing leaning forward and crumpling its legs beneath it, while a quick brainstorm tells me you're probably thinking of that stretchy thing cats do when they stand up, with their front legs stretched out in front and their back arched reflexively. I'm sure you could come up with a better way of describing it than that, because frankly, this just sounds confusing and a bit painful.

    Her expression showed narrowed eyes and a slight frown.
    This is weirdly phrased, because in making Fiona's expression the subject of the sentence instead of Fiona herself, you confuse me greatly. Generally you don't want to personalise an expression like this, because an expression is not the person wearing it, and . . . I actually don't know where I'm going with this. Suffice it to say that it sounds weird as all get out.

    Her father stared desperately at her
    THis is a weird change of tune. Up till now, Charles has been the sensible one, the steadfast one, and now all of a sudden he's 'desperate'? It's a strong word you may want to reconsider your use of.

    "Goodbye, dear. Know that whatever happens, I'll always think of you as a Pokémon Master. I will think that because you went and attempted to accomplish your dream," Fiona said
    Adding the bolded part onto Fiona's line here seems to cheapen the moment somewhat. It's as if she suddenly feels the need to justify what she said. That much should be evident, or at least relatively obvious, to Josephine. And even if it's not, just blithely saying 'I think this way because' is rarely a good way to show these reasons in fiction. It makes the dialogue seem less natural and more uncomfortable, as if you have automatons instead of people.

    Just before Josephine set off, she gave her mother one last farewell hug, allowing the tears to freely flow down her cheeks.
    Where did this come from? I got the impression Josephine wasn't terribly bothered by leaving home on her journey, and all of a sudden she's in tears? This is quite clumsily handled, and I think you might do it elsewhere too, jumping from one thing to another with no explanation of the transition.

    The lab's foundations were on top of a hill that was accessible by a long stairway, which took one to the entrance of the lab.
    So where was the rest of the lab? Mars? This wording is awkward because it seems as if it's only the foundations that are on the hill and the rest of the building resides elsewhere somehow. Unless this is actually the case - like, for example, if Oak's lab is actually a magic in-between portal between two parts of the world due to a mysterious accident with a Palkia and a yeah never mind this train of thought - you may want to reword that. Also, that comma probably shouldn't be there.

    There was a lake to the east of the hill and to the south was an untamed forest with no paths. The forest was cut short by an open range, which was met in the north by rocks and boulders. There were Pokémon scattered all over the landscape.
    This description is flat and, quite frankly, kinda boring. Lake, forest, range, boulders, Pokemon. Well, whoop-de-freaking-doo. If this is necessary at all, I'd make it more interesting. You're giving me images of a landscape that's been cut neatly into divisions, with one kind of terrain on each. And 'There were Pokemon scattered all over the landscape'? What kinds? Why were they scattered there? What were they doing? Each paragraph has so much more you can do with it. This chapter - any chapter of any fic - could easily be twice as long and three times as gripping with a bit of work without taking anything away from the action.

    At the top of the staircase to the right of the Poké Ball storage room, the upper level was desolate except for three bookshelves that were lined up against the left wall; an enormous computer that took up the entire southern wall and finally, a small dome which was the place where the Poké Balls were kept.
    Hmm, reckon you could go with a comma instead of a semicolon there. It's not exactly a whole new idea after that break, just a further listing of locations.

    Then, the researcher handed her a large red electronic device, which looked like a calculator and five small balls.
    The comma before 'which' shouldn't be there. It sounds like your Pokedex resembles a calculator and five small balls put together, which I'm pretty sure it doesn't.

    "Let me explain what I handed to you before," Professor Oak began, just as the newbie trainer recalled her starter.
    Two things here:

    One. 'Before' is a word generally used when some time has transpired between the event and the discussion - for example, if Oak had given Josephine her Pokedex the day before.

    Two. 'Newbie'? I'm not sure how commonly accepted this word is, but I believe that in general it's a slang term, and as such not generally used in third-person narration, just like you wouldn't normally use 'moron' or 'funky'.

    She walked back through the building and out the front door, waving goodbye to Professor Oak as she did so. Then, she looked up as she began to walk down the road, away from her house.
    wait what that's it? She just waves goodbye to Professor Oak and buggers off? I was expecting at least some form of characterisation, or at least conversation. Also, I believe that 'then' is unnecessary, and it sounds especially weird with the comma there.

    Okaaaay, that's the specifics dealt with.

    As a whole, there's nothing terrible about this fic. Your writing is, while not flawless, at least stable, although you could do with slowing down and taking events at less than breakneck pace.

    Your characters . . . eh. They seem flat. Charles is actually your best character so far, because he has something of a defining personality. But after reading your entire first chapter, what do I know of Josephine? All but nothing. She's only had a couple of lines, and the only hint we've had towards her personality is when she says 'I hope it's a strong one' or something in regards to her new Pokemon. I don't know what motivates Josephine, how she feels about her circumstances. She stayed in school for a few extra years to study more; why? Did she feel she needed extra preparation? Did she want an extra challenge by giving her friends a head start? Does she believe in being 100% knowledgeable about something before going into it? These sorts of things are what make or break a character, and with just a little more work, Josephine could be made. But at the moment, I can find nothing to identify with in her, other than 'Yay! I like redheads!' (I do.) Your supporting characters are the same - Oak, his aide, Josephine's parents . . . they're all just talking heads at the moment. But the groundwork is there for great characters, and all you have to do is build it up.

    Your setting and other visual features are much the same; you've started to build them, but they could do with much polishing. Your character descriptions are there, but they're a bit clumsy and awkwardly placed. Think about which things are necessary and which aren't, all the while considering the placement and whether it feels natural.

    On the whole, this fic needs a lot of work. It's not bad, but it's not fantastic either. Your plot has nothing so far to differentiate it from any other OT journey fic. I like that the trainer starts with a Shinx, although, as Bay said, I'm a little hesitant due to what Charles said about it being 'no ordinary feline'. Is that just because it's a Sinnoh Pokemon, so it's exotic compared to ye olde Meowth and Persian? Or is there something special about this particular Shinx?

    Ye gods, I think this review is longer than your chapter now. hubuububhu. I'm gonna leave you with this: While I've said your fic does need a lot of work, don't be discouraged. I may have been a little biting at certain points in this review, but I wouldn't do it if I wasn't sure you could take it. After all, I learned most of my reviewing skills from JX Valentine who, though I do love her dearly, possesses quite a sharp tongue. a_a
     
    Last edited:
    Back
    Top