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Old August 15th, 2011 (5:37 PM).
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icomeanon6 icomeanon6 is online now
It's "I Come Anon"
    Join Date: Feb 2008
    Location: Northern Virginia
    Age: 24
    Gender: Male
    Posts: 1,174
    (Better late than never...)

    My word, you deserve some congratulations on writing one of the most ambitious and distinct entries of the year. Aside from the fact that you're not using Pokemon as a crutch, the way you had the parallel threads match so well was very impressive. The kiss(es) scene(s) in particular was a masterful touch; a seamless display of multiple perspectives and moods. I don't often see complicated narrative structures that are this well crafted in FF&W.

    Maybe a little too well crafted, actually.

    I hate to say this, but on my first read-through I got totally lost. You see, I had been under the impression that the second perspective was that of the woman who was meeting Geoffrey while The Crazy Woman was watching. It didn't occur to me that these two were the same person at different points in time until well into the restaurant scene, so I spent most of the time trying to reconcile contradictory details before just moving on in confusion. This may just be me, but I didn't get too much out of the story before I caught on and started over. Once I did catch on I really liked it, especially the way Jennifer mis-perceived Geoffrey's words. That was a great way of showing us her madness as opposed to just telling us about it.

    I do have to agree with Cutlerine, though, that the concentration of adjectives and adverbs (especially adverbs) could get a little overboard at times, but it's not too serious. Also, sentence structure could get a little awkward, particularly with dangling participles. On the whole, though, and considering the time limit involved, this read pretty smoothly, and the language was anything but too dry.

    It's a shame you didn't place higher, as your entry sticks out from the crowd in many good ways. Thanks for your generous congrats, and I offer you some of my own for this fine story. Here's hoping you really kick tail next year!
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