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Old April 11th, 2013 (2:10 PM).
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TornZero TornZero is offline
Resident Yuri-ism Cult Leader
    Join Date: Apr 2010
    Location: In your pantry, eatin' your delicious cake.
    Age: 24
    Gender: Female
    Posts: 1,139
    I'll make sure to check it out, Scyke; thanks for the note.

    Okay, now onto Crimson's character.

    The appearance is still vague to the point that it's annoying. First off, he's 14, so of course he's going to look young. What does a "young complexion" make him look like? A five year old? There are no real defining characteristics here, (still) nothing to make even the slightest picture of what he actually looks like; all I've got out of it is "thin, tall and anime hair". He apparently doesn't have eyes, either. Might want to deal with that.

    I'll skip the personality for now, because that was just painful to look at.

    Lastly, what is up with his background? Where did he grow up? Why was he bullied? The total lack of the Five Ws (Google this if you actually don't know) you seem prone to not using makes this (and much of the history in general) completely redundant. Okay, so his parents were "killed" by wild Mightyena; more lack of explanation. Were they provoked? Did a pack just randomly fly into a brutal rage and wipe out everyone in his family EXCEPT Nathan? Also, why isn't Nathan dead, too? I've seen this "their family got killed" situation with a lot of sign-ups — it's not just you, really, so please don't feel like I'm hating on you or anything — and it's always total BS because their character, for some never-explained reason, is so "special" that the Pokémon/person/thing that killed their family /didn't/ kill them, too.

    I'll reiterate, since he seems to have been transported to a completely different town after getting orphaned, but where did he grow up in the first place? When did all this happen? Who the hell is Mr. Corosska? (Can't just say "nice old man"?) Why was he getting mugged if he lived in such a small town filled with consistently kind people? Where did a totally random wild Combusken come from during said mugging? Why did it offer to help a kid that's supposed to be absolutely terrified of it?

    I hope I don't need to explain again that this isn't a rejection, but there are serious problems that need to be taken care of before it can get accepted. (OrangeNess revised his about 5-6 times, but he still got accepted.)

    I will be moving my account to Songbird over the course of immediately. The signature will stay as is for posterity and reference.
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