Jeff Miles, our handsome hero who must have a stronger set of plot armor than we thought considering how many sinking ships he survives. Oh, right...current events and exposition. Welp, Jeff ended up surrounded by yet even MORE women. BUT HE STILL DIDN'T HAVE THE BRASS TO MAKE A MO*thump* OW! TERRY WHAT DA EFF?
I thought I'd save Birdy the trouble of shutting you up.
Oh my...thanks, you may have just saved my hindquarters. *AHEM!* Jeff smiled pleasantly when Nami pointed the way to the Pokemon center and was about to lead his two la*Thump* MPF!...THE TWO LADIES WHO HE IS NOT SCHMOOZING AND I HAVE NO INTENTION OF MANIPULATING HIM INTO SCHMOOZING...towards the Pokemon Center, when he heard Imoen pipe up about ice cream.
Ice cream...yum this girl is a GENIUS! But oh...damn! "I'd love to." He chimed in out loud. "But my pokemon come before my needs, Romanov and Rodrigo have both been in multiple battles with little rest and berries can't fix everything. I need to head to the Pokemon Center now but afterwards I'd love some ice cream."
After a few more steps he turned around since Imoen hadn't answered yet but she was already gone. Probably to find a man who actually tries to get girls' attention-I MEAN BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T HEAR HIM AND WANTED ICE CREAM NAO! So he followed Nami and Mia to the Pokemon Center, noting with joy...Really? Whatever he noticed it was bigger than any other he had seen and he thought it was JUST NEAT-O! The girls who lead the way got their pokemon healed first, and after a surprisingly short period of contemplation decided to abandon her shipmate to the smexiest girl stealing trainer alive. But of course even though Mia surely would have fallen to Jeff's irresistible charms had they spoken at all...they didn't. When Jeff finally put his three pokeballs in the tray fate intervened...beginning with the sound of a spanish guitar.
"Oh Arceus...there's that noise again...what
is that?" And with that Rodrigo de Montoya el Juarez burst out of his pokeball r-well a
slightly redder shade of green-with outrage.
What is this madness? I will not be healed by a cold, heartless machine. I need to be treated with the warmth and caring that can only come from a hot blooded female...or from the most cold blooded, sexy sexing sex sex pun innuendo mistress of evil sensuality love. Do not worry dear Meloira...I do not know how, but we will meet again. And someday after I have re-payed my debt to this foolish knave we shall be together, and I will prove to your parents that I am worthy, I will stand proud as your man instead of merely eloping...And I will convince you to allow me that harem. AND THEN, Signor RODRIGO DE MONTOYA EL JUAREZ SHALL BE THE ULTIM- The Span-Latnish Pokemon's completely unintelligible to humans and therefore pointless speech was cut off as he hacked and sprayed water on the floor of the pokemon center.
The nurse grimaced and swept Rodrigo off of the floor without wasting a moment. "Oh my, has your Larvitar swallowed any noticeable amount of salt water lately? Rock-types don't have the same bodily functions as us, he has no way of getting rid of that salt on his own, and if we don't do something about it he'll be eroded from the inside."
"Wait...that's a thing? And how can you tell he's a he?" Jeff stammered out both questions despite how obvious the answers were, but luckily our dear nurse explained very specifically in complete understanding of how a young man might not know these things.
"Of course it's a thing, I'm a doc-nurse. And because he's just plain masculine, unlike you, silly dolt." And with that she completely ignored how utterly lost Jeff's expression still was and whisked Rodrigo away to a rock-type friendly stomach pump.
Jeff turned back to Mia, sure that she must have heard at least some of the nonsense and stayed to watch and to see what Le Hawt Jeff was-"Huh, she's gone." WHY DO YOU INSIST ON RUINING MY MOMENTS? I'M TRYING TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD YOU BUMFUDDLING NINNYJACK! Jeff scratched his head at the weird feeling it was filled when I insulted him...oh that's right I finally got it right to where he couldn't hear me...you really don't know what you have till-screw it! So Jeff had to sit and wait for Rodrigo to get his special little snowflake treatment, but it wasn't all bad. At least in there he was safe from the insanity that had plagued his Pokemon journey so far. A good ten or so minutes later when the nurse finally returned with Rodrigo Jeff was about to ask if he would be alright when the memory of yet another shexeh ladeh
was forced back into the forefront of his mind by me resurfaced, and he practically smacked Rodrigo with the pokeball he was sealed back inside of as Jeff rushed back to the world and out of the only pokecenter immune to our special brand of crazy.
Where did Karly go? Wasn't she following us? "Karly? Oh Karly? Where...who am I kidding? Nobody could hear me through this cacophony unless it was a part of some plot device." Wait...does he know- "And I'm not in some story, that's nonsense." Aha, sweet ignorant Jeff. With a hefty sigh our hero realized that Nami had the right idea all along and he should spend some time by himself, after all he was likely to meet up with everyone else at some point, he was back in fate's cruel hands and they all seemed linked. He had seen some interesting pokemon on his surprisingly peaceful sojourn through Route 1 and decided to go get a bit of extra training in and maybe even expand his team a little more. The poor fool, to think Route 1 ALMOST had nothing epic happen within it's bounds.
Poor doomed Jeff made his way back down the path he came into Mauville through and after padding over the magically shorter bridge saw Nami about to get in a battle with some boy and a Butterfree. She hadn't seemed all that interested in talking to him earlier and she was busy, so he simply waved as he passed them on the off chance that she'd see. After once again missing the chance to not be the subject of more plot torture Jeff followed the Jeff-nip I dangled in front of him...*ahem* I mean felt himself led by some
mysterious force a fairly distant section of the beautiful green plains towards TOTAL SAFETY...I swear...muahahaha.
Jeff continued to walk aimlessly until he heard a lone sound that wasn't the wind...the
only other sound he had heard for a depressingly long while. it sounded almost like- "A bark? What the heck-" Could await Jeff besides the obvious (That is of course...pain). He turned to see a Growlithe, standing all by itself around 40 feet away, just glaring at him with the most intense and comprehensive stare he had ever seen on a pokemon's face. And he had seen that one sitcom soap-opera thing about the ingenius Audino with the messed up leg that insulted people constantly but always figured everything out and was loved in the end, his name was shed or log cabin, some stupid thing people who aren't sexy narrators live in. Jeff got that greedy and malefic grin you must all be aware of now at the sight of a challenger that might just so happen to fit in a pokeball after a beating. "Rodrigo, you've got a type advantage and
the MoPad my excellent sense as a trainer tells me you're not at the level Romanov and the Pidgey you seduced are yet, so this one's all yours!" The still-completely-alien-to-this-world instrument noises echoed through the empty air in complete defiance of physics in too many ways to count as Rodrigo emerged from his home angry for the second time in the past few hours.
At least I am free of that putrid liquid those stupid fish types that keep eating rule breaking roleplayers live in, your command will be Signor. Rodrigo took a battle ready stance and smirked at the idiot dog who was not afraid to face him in battle. Romanov, who's really managed to fade into the background lately, just watched in curiosity of what would happen next. His only concern was to keep Jeff safe if things went wrong or he was ordered into battle, so he would simply observe and be ready if the need arose to act.
Captain Beauregard Lefleur of the eastern Route 1 Growlithe Patrol stood firm at sight of the enemy, he didn't care if there was any type disadvantage to be had. He would remain resolute, the men depended on him to lead them and how could he if he couldn't keep some lousy upstart out of their territory? Rodrigo stepped towards his opponent and thought on his first attack (he had decided moments ago to ignore Jeff, but my throat got sore from all the blabbing I've had to do to communicate this long post to you, my beautiful audience. So I forgot to mention it earlier) It would be easier if there were some lovely things around he could seduce into fighting the captain for him.
When he actually thought about it Rodrigo remembered he only had one legitimate attack, so he charged at Beauregard and...bit him. Beauregard powered through the pain and did to Rodrigo what he does best...he bit him. And so went on the pointless gnawing for a while longer until Beauregard's jaw got sore from chewing on a living rock and he realized he was losing because Rodrigo's teeth could at least sink into his flesh, so he leapt back and considered the target.
Pretty impressive Rodrigo, I must concede the contest of endurance to you.
Rodrigo smirked.
You are a worthy adversary as well Captain, but I must ask, how and what do you know of me?
Beauregard's face turned grave again, as if insulted. "You can tell I'm the captain yet you don't remember me? The whole reason I joined the Growlithe patrol was because you took my sweet frozen-hearted love bear from me you swine!"
How dare you call me such you cur! I shall- Rodrigo's brow furrowed as a thought occurred to him.
Beauregard, is that you? Wait...when Meloira said her parents weren't disappointed in her because of my social status...she meant...
You did not even bother to find out if she was single before courting her? You worthless sultry hound! Forget about giving thine opponent honorable and fair combat. With the pleasantries and ironic insults over Beauregard scrabbled at the ground only a moment before breaking the surface and disappearing beneath the earth. Before Rodrigo could react the captain burst from below and hit Rodrigo's most sensitive area and simultaneously launched him into the air, thanks to Rodrigo's dual types the attack was not super-effective, but considering where it hit it still did plenty of damage.
And that's not all, I'm plenty prepared for dealing with pathetic stiffs like yourself. Guess what dear Meloira taught me through the many nights of amour we spent before she ever met you? Beauregard bared his fangs and his mouth began to fill with terrifyingly cold mist and he jumped to catch his most hated opponent in his mouth, ice began to form on Rodrigo around the frozen fangs rather quickly.
How does a simple Growlithe know Dig AND Ice Fang? There's no way, he's totally gonna forget them both right after catch him just like Rodrigo forgot Sandstorm. Who said you're going to catch him?
I'm much to persistent not to catch that damn Growlithe! He's got the fighting spirit I'm looking for! Wait can you hear me again?
I just hope I can pull it off before something horrible happens, this journey is unpredictable so far.That statement's too ambiguous! I can't tell if......Whatever.
The Larvitar had no intention of losing twice in one day, even if it was to an enemy that could break through his defenses so easily. He struggled to move his arms through the ice that was spreading from his torso, but to no avail. He could still move his head though, and righteous fury at the humiliation he was suffering filled him with power. (Guts kicked in, for anyone who doesn't remember how it works.) Luckily Beauregard was not much larger than himself and he was able to reach his target with his head. Rodrigo stretched his neck as far as he could (Rock-types can stretch?) and sank his teeth into the Growlithe captain's soft and vulnerable tail. Beauregard yelped and tossed Rodrigo away as he spasm'd in pain.
Rodrigo landed in a heap, but he had come much too far to give up. The spanish Larvitar dreamboat strained his rock-hard muscles (yup we're that low on comedic material) to stand and deliver doom to the failure in love that was Beauregard Lefleur who would soon undoubtedly be a failure in battle as well. But between his damaged lower extremities and the block of solid frost encapsulating part of his torso the warrior could not stand. "Oh no, Rodrigo!" Oh yeah Jeff, he's been shouting orders at Rodrigo this whole time, but if you know how to read he was being ignored. "You've done enough for one day buddy, return!" Beauregard sped towards the weakened object of his hatred, fangs ready to deliver love's justice. Just at the last moment a red light stole his victory from him, Beauregard slid to a stop and turned towards the human.
You...you bring him back out! Let him face me in single combat and die like a warrior you coward! His fur rose in pure rage and his teeth gleamed with murderous intent.
Jeff shuddered at the glare the Growlithe sent his way. "Uhm...alright still unnamed Pidgey, you're up!" The pokeball thrown moments later released Jeff's recently caught Pidgey to battle.
Beauregard looked down, lost in anger.
You...dare to steal my hard earned victory away from me, and then try to defeat me with numbers instead of skill? There can be NO mercy for a villain as despicable as you. And he let out a sharp whistle followed by a series of angry barks.
Brothers! The honor of this battle has been broken! It is time for punishment!
"Did...did that Growlithe just whistle? HOW IS THAT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!" Jeff's curiosity was cut short when he heard more barking...so much barking in fact that there was a low rumble behind it. Jeff looked towards the symphony of his doom and saw overtaking the crest of the hill behind Beauregard...an entire horde of Growlithe charging his way. "You've gotta be kidding me...why didn't I just go get ice cream?" The wave of orange flowed perfectly around Beauregard on it's way to murder town, and for a second Jeff had no idea how he could even stall the train to said town, let alone stop it.
*Beep* "That Pidgey knows Uproar moron."
"Shut up dex, you aren't in this post!"
"I am now bumfuddling ninnyjack."
"Hey!...Yeah thanks, jerk...why does that sound familiar?" Heheh. "Alright Pidgey, use Uproar!
In a bit of surprising luck the horde of killdogs was not concerned with eating the delicious bird, so when it began to stomp around in their midst and squawk so loud that they're ears actually hurt it disrupted their harmony. Anarchy ensued as Growlithes began to crash into each other left and right until on loud bark silence them, and another focused their rage again as Beauregard pointed at the Pidgey with his nose. When the horde simultaneously turned towards her the Pidgey realized very quickly the human was
not worth her own life, and she flew straight up before they could rip her to pieces. "She...She abandoned me...I thought Rodrigo's philandering was more powerful than that...crapcrapcrapohmigodimgonnadiehere." When he made the mistake of speaking all the Growlithes focused on Jeff once again and he realized he was truly and utterly screwed.
Romanov however, was surprisingly quick witted and rational even in this situation, ESPECIALLY for a Munchlax. He danced back and forth, waggling his glowing fingers all the while. Jeff was so sure of his incoming death he forgot what this meant and yelled at his last hope. "ROMANOV THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR DANCING! WE ARE GOING TO DIE! WHY DON'T YOU HELP INSTEAD OF-" Jeff was silenced when the ground actually began to shake at the closeness of the doompuppy stampede and he only just then noticed Romanov was glowing brighter and brighter. Just as the sea of orange crashed over Romanov and barreled towards Jeff the brightness of the Munchlax's body reached it's peak and spread outward from in in sweet, yet still unimaginably painful salvation.
~~~
Jeff's aching eyelids were forced open by plot stuff and he was able to turn his head just enough to gasp at the sight around him. He was on the edge of a huge crater with unconscious fuzzy orange lumps strewn all about, and a scorched Munchlax in the middle. "That was some Explosion...I guess I'm not catching anything else today, that would require the strength to crawl towards one of them. Maybe this is what that doctor meant when he diagnosed me with 'Protagon-itis' the day I was born..." The only moving figure throughout all the destruction was a single Pidgey, which hopped around until it found a pokeball that had rolled away from Jeff, and shook back and forth with attempts to weak to break out of it. The Pidgey tapped the button with it's beak.
Oh Rodrigo! Are you alright? You must live so we can escape this stupid human and be together! The time that followed rendered her attempts to fight back tears a failure.
The pokeball released it's grasp and a Larvitar flew out shouting in it's pokemon shouts.
Argh! I don't fear that loveless sack of fur! Let me face him in-uh-uh...such carnage...could the tubby bear have done this? After analyzing the situation it became clear to Rodrigo that the battle was at a tie for the moment, but he still had a way to win. He could not beat the Captain in single comment at this point...but he could imprison him. He limped along to the inattentive and no longer conscious Jeff and grabbed one of the prison sphere's that had fallen around him in the chaos. He made his way over to the crater next, but he couldn't keep his balance between the terrain, his fatigue, and the lump of ice on him even with the boost of power from Guts. Rodrigo tumbled all the way down the crater until he slammed into a rock that had been hard enough to survive the explosion, and the ice shattered.
With his mobility restored Rodrigo sauntered over to the lump in the center of the crater that was Romanov, he dug through the Munchlax's fur until he found a Citrus berry before dropping it in it's mouth. The snoring quickly made it clear that with the healing power of the delicious berry made sure Romanov was more napping then unconscious. With his savior likely to survive Rodrigo could finally search until he smelt the world's greatest stench of unrequited love, then there was no doubt he knew which Growlithe was Beauregard. He summoned the last of his strength to drag his feet next to the limp form of his greatest enemy, regretting that he gave tubby the berry instead of eating it himself.
Enjoy servitude, it's all a weakling like you could ever amount to with a strong woman like Meloira. When Rodrigo moved to take another step his leg gave out beneath him and he hit the ground like a sack of potatoes, his final movement as his vision faded was lightly tapping the sphere against the Growlithe before giving in to the dreamless darkness, content that he might have another chance to battle the Captain.