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Lost

darkpokeball

Beware the Chainsaw Meowth 0.o
762
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14
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    • Alright, so here I go...again with poetry.

    Poem #1: Lost

    Spoiler:
    Spoiler:


    Poem #2: Who am I?

    Spoiler:

    Note: School is mispelled purposely to give anyone a clue as to who it might be

    Poem #3: Waterslide

    Spoiler:

    I will say the ending was a bit dark on that one. But who cares?!
    --
     
    Squirrel

    Squirrel

    9,535
    Posts
    12
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    • Age 29
    • Seen May 11, 2023
    darkpokeball said:
    Alright, so here I go...again with poetry.

    Poem #1: Lost

    Spoiler:
    Spoiler:

    --
    Click to expand...

    Wow, I very much like this poem. There's such a dark setting behind it which really complements the intricate title of the one word "Lost" standing alone, with nothing by its side. The mechanism you've used with the dramatic concept followed by a comma and story evolution was very well-received whilst reading the poem, it adds a huge sense of power behind the words, emphasizing just what they mean to you and this poem. I do wonder if full stops would be welcome in this poem just to add the the drama behind the statements in each line, but I suppose the recurring pause is implied whilst reading the poem. Words such as "crushed", "fatal" and "fear" really help to show just what you mean by the term "Lost" and what the poem is trying to relay, good choice of words throughout. Great work on this poem, impressive!

    As for the other poems: #2 I can't work out (but I think it could be Genosect?) and #3... wow... that's dark. xD
     
    bobandbill

    bobandbill

    one more time
    16,935
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Can't say I can work out number 2 either - your mention of the 'skool' clue doesn't suggest much Pokemon-y to me so I'm guessing it isn't one but I'm afraid I didn't get the subject. Ah well. It was interesting although I felt the rhyming sounded a bit forced with that poem in that some lines (like the fifth and sixth) didn't feel to match up that well beyond the rhyming-with-each-other aspect. I'd suggest maybe considering 'Loves the thought' as well (rather than Love without the s), and with 'annihalate' I think it ought to be spelt 'annihilate'.

    The waterslide poem I quite liked - certainly captured the person's uneasiness about going on the water sldie with the whole preparation part there, and the opening line started it off particular well imo. The ending was certainly a twist I didn't expect - maybe you could have forgone 'dead' at the end as the conclusion is pretty obvious without it after all, I feel, and I would suggest maybe changing 'And...you slide off the side' to 'Then you slide off the side' and hence remove the ellipse as the pause it creates somewhat unsettles the flow, and also removing the pause should make the twist that bit more sudden and surprising. Besides that all in all a nicely pulled poem, imo.
     
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