[Pokémon] Bang Head Here

Chances are, you've all, at some point, played a Pokemon game. It's a fairly safe bet, I'd imagine. Anyway, I for one am sick and tired of the 'silent protagonist' treatment. I've heard the argument about players being able to put themselves into the character's shoes, and that's all well and good. I agree with it - I've often found myself yelling at the screen because another character said something I felt warranted arguing, etc. But it's not terribly realistic. So basically, what I decided to do was to retell Pokemon Emerald Version.

Now this might not take much skill, you say, and I agree. The characters are there, dialogue, plot, everything is given to you in advance. If all I'm doing is transcribing it, what challenge is there? What merit to my work? So I set out to overcome this by 'filling in the blanks', as it were. So our lovely protagonist - who I named Topaz - now has a voice and a personality (a rather nasty one at that).

I'm following exactly what happens in the game, except I'm extrapolating. I mix set dialogue with my original material, adding extra where I feel it necessary. Because some conversations in Emerald are just so underdeveloped, it's not funny.

So with that said, I'd better give this a rating. I wouldn't put it at anything higher than PG, really. There's some mild language, and a protagonist with a sharp tongue, but there's no content that you wouldn't find in a Pokemon game, obviously.

Enough talking. I'd better get down to the story before you all get bored and leave. As per usual, constructive and helpful criticism is appreciated. Please bear in mind that this is fairly light-hearted, with a comedy vein that I haven't tried before. In other words, I'm trying to fill in all the holes left by the game designers. Have fun!

Part of the Misheard Whisper Mass Fic Update, February 28th 2010.


Everything was darkness. The world was soaked in black, and as a result, Topaz couldn't see a darned thing. This made her feel a little insecure, because Topaz liked to be able to see. Ever since she was a little girl, she'd been terrified of dark places, and this was, most definitely, a very, very dark place.

But slowly, out of the blackness, the slightly grainy image of a man swam into focus. Topaz squinted at him curiously. Standing in a pool of yellow light projected from some invisible source, he was a strange-looking fellow. He was short, with stubby legs and an unruly mop of brown hair framing a rather round face that was wearing a somewhat bland smile. He was wearing a white coat, which immediately sparked connections in Topaz's brain. Scientist, she thought, without any shadow of a doubt, which was strange, because, well, there was no good evidence that this man was a scientist of any kind.

"Hey there, kiddo! How are you doing?" he asked out of the blue. Or . . . out of the black, as was more the case. He sounded genuinely pleased that she was there, which was odd, seeing as she wasn't quite sure where 'here' was. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting."

"Uh, no . . ." she mumbled uncertainly. "I . . . haven't been here long," she finished lamely, hoping this strange man would provide her with some clues as to where she was, but slightly afraid to ask him outright.

"My name is Birch," he said affably, "but everyone calls me the Pokémon Professor." Ah, so he is a scientist after all! Topaz thought triumphantly to herself. Well, at least she'd got that bit right. Her problem-solving skills hadn't been dulled by this strange, dark world, it seemed.

"This is what we call a Pokémon," he said, pulling a familiar red and white sphere from his pocket and thumbing the release switch. With a pop, a small blue creature with a yellow beak and a green lily-pad on its head appeared, croaking happily.

"Uh, I know that," Topaz said. "My dad's the Petalburg Gym Leader, actually, so I, um . . . I know a couple of things about Pokémon."

"Oh," said Birch, looking disappointed. "Oh. Does that mean . . . does that mean I don't need to tell you what Pokémon are?"

"Um . . . no, you don't," said Topaz, starting to feel a little weirded out by this odd scientist. She considered simply leaving, but where would she go? The best option, she decided reluctantly, was to simply stay near this man and his puddle of light.

"Well, anyway, I've been undertaking research on Pokémon," Birch continued. "Even though we know so much about them, there are still so many mysteries surrounding them!" His eyes glittered with fervour as he said this, and he clenched his fists in excitement. "Think of all the untold tales, the secrets that Pokémon hold, just waiting to be discovered!"

"If you . . . say so," Topaz said sceptically. He had a point, though. It was an interesting idea, because if she thought about it, what did she really know about Pokémon? Not much, she admitted to herself. Maybe this wacko was onto something.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Birch exclaimed suddenly. "I forgot to ask you to introduce yourself! Are you a boy, or are you a girl?" Now, if somebody on the street had asked her this question, Topaz would most likely have pulled out the pepper spray and called the police, but somehow it seemed logical here. Looking down at her body, she realised that Birch's spotlight didn't extend to her. She could barely see her own outline, and supposed that Birch would be able to see even less.

"I'm a girl," she informed him, feeling around in her pocket for the container of pepper spray . . . just in case.

"Ah, I see, I see! And what's your name?" he pressed.

"It's . . . Topaz," she said, not willing to reveal her surname just yet.

"Topaz, was it?" he enquired.

"Yes, Topaz," she replied irritably. She wasn't sure how he could have misheard her. He was only a few metres away, and there was no noise other than their voices, after all.

"Ah, okay! You must be the Topaz who's moving to my hometown of Littleroot! I get it now!"

"Huh? You live in Littleroot?" Topaz asked, taken aback. She was indeed moving to a town named Littleroot, she remembered. She wasn't sure how this key piece of information had escaped her recall, but then again, maybe it just hadn't been relevant until now. For that matter, though, shouldn't she be in the moving truck right about then?

"Yes, yes, I do!" Birch said. "Now, are you ready?"

"Ready for . . . what?" Topaz asked suspiciously. Where the hell was that pepper spray?

"Your very own adventure is about to unfold! Take courage, and leap into the world of Pokémon where dreams, adventure and friendships await!" As the spotlight on Birch began fading slowly away, all she could think was: What world have I been living in for the last ten years of my life, then? Is this some kind of joke?

Out of what was now total darkness, Birch's voice echoed: "Well, I'll be expecting you later. Be sure to drop by my Pokémon Lab and say hi!" Yeah, right, Topaz thought. If this isn't some screwed-up hallucination and this weirdo really does live in Littleroot, I'm staying well away from him!

Topaz felt herself being squeezed all of a sudden, an unpleasant sensation akin to being put through a mangle, she imagined. Even though she had never been put through a mangle – thank Mew for that – she supposed it must feel something like this.

She felt herself losing consciousness, but the scariest thing was that there was no fade-to-black like usual. Just . . . black-to-black.


What seemed like hours later, Topaz became vaguely aware of a distant rumbling.

"Unh?" she mumbled drowsily, trying unsuccessfully to open her eyes. Her cheek was pressed against some hard surface, and the rumbling seemed a lot closer now. It was awfully cold, and she seemed to be bouncing up and down slightly.

Making a concerted effort, Topaz cracked her eyes open to observe her surroundings. It was still quite dark, but at least there was light, not like . . .

With a start, Topaz sat bolt upright, realisation flooding over her. It had been a dream. The slightly creepy guy called Birch hadn't really existed. She was riding in the back of the moving truck, and must have fallen asleep. Glancing around, Topaz took in the precariously stacked cardboard boxes all around her, breathing a sigh of relief for the fact that none of them had fallen on her. Surely this was against health and safety regulations, never mind the law. She hadn't even been wearing a seatbelt, not that she cared.

The truck bounced slightly as it went over a pothole in the road, and the still-drowsy Topaz somehow managed to fall over, cracking her head on the floor. Uttering some choice swear words that would have made her mother gasp, Topaz struggled back to her knees, holding her head.

"Ugh," she moaned. "I should have just waited the extra few hours at home so I could have ridden in the passenger seat." As if simply to mock her for being foolish enough to ride in the back of a moving truck, it was at that precise moment that the driver decided to slam on the brakes. Violently.

Picking herself up for the second time in as many minutes, Topaz was about ready to scream with frustration when she realised that the engine had stopped and the truck was no longer moving. Thank Mew for that, she thought with relief as the back doors of the truck swung open, letting fresh air and golden light flood the dark cavity. Yawning cavernously, Topaz jumped down from the back of the truck, ignoring the helpful Vigoroth who was trying to lift her down.

"I can do it myself," she snapped. It was a bit late to be offering courtesy now, after making her ride the whole way here in the back of a truck. What sort of moving company even allowed that, let alone actively practiced it? "Screw you. Go shift some boxes," she said rudely in response to the Pokémon's sorrowful bleating.

Moving a few steps away from the truck, Topaz took in the view. She had to admit, it was very pleasant. Though the entire area was surrounded by close-knit woods, the town itself was anything but overgrown. Short, lush grass seemed to be the order of the day, with freshly-scented orange and yellow flowers dotted around. The buildings were quaint little stone affairs, with terracotta tiled roofs, and each had its own little garden. The moving truck seemed quite out of place in what was obviously –

"Such a backwards place!" Topaz sulked. Sure, it was pretty, and the flowers smelled nice, but it really didn't look like there was much to do. Surely this was the most boring settlement ever devised by humankind, orchestrated purely to annoy the hell out of her?

"We're here, honey!" sang Topaz's mum from behind her, sounding a lot happier than Topaz felt. "It must be tiring riding with our things in the moving truck," she said anxiously, misinterpreting Topaz's yawn of utter boredom – which seemed to have set in automatically, she noticed with distaste – for one born of fatigue.

"Not really," Topaz said drily. "I slept for a little bit on the way." And had a dream about a weird scientist who said he lived here, she added silently, frowning slightly.

"Oh, that's nice, dear. Well, this is Littleroot Town!" she proclaimed cheerfully.

"That's reassuring," Topaz muttered under her breath. At least the driver had been competent enough to get them to the right place.

"How do you like it, love? This is our new home. It has a quaint feel –"

"– Damn right it does –"

"– but it seems like a nice place to live, don't you think?" she finished hopefully, her eyes pleading silently with her daughter to agree with her for once. Topaz snorted derisively.

"Like hell it does," she sulked.

"Ah, um . . . Well, at least you get your own room, Topaz!" her mum said awkwardly, trying to salvage the conversation.

What, I didn't have my own room back home? Topaz wondered, rolling her eyes.

"Let's go inside and have a look!" trilled her mother suddenly, breaking Topaz's chain of thought. She'd have to think about that later. Reluctantly, she followed the other through the door.

"See, Topaz? Isn't it nice in here, too?"

Inside was, at the very least, a slight improvement on outside. The entirety of the ground floor, as far as she could see, was an open-plan kitchen/dining/living room combo. There didn't appear to be a couch or anything as of yet, but there were four passably comfortable-looking chairs surrounding the square table that sat on the pink rug in the middle of the floor. Topaz had always hated that rug. It smelled of mothballs, and she couldn't believe they hadn't gotten rid of it when they moved. The TV was positioned so that everybody sitting around the table could see it without too much difficulty, and a Vigoroth techie was busy plugging in wires underneath it.

"The mover's Pokémon do all the work of moving us in and cleaning up after," Topaz's mum explained happily. "It's so convenient, isn't it?"

"I suppose it is," Topaz admitted. If it wasn't for the Vigoroth strutting around, she realised, she would have most likely been the one lifting all the boxes. Her mother was hardly one for heavy lifting of any kind, and her dad . . . well, Norman was still at the Gym in Petalburg, naturally.

"Anyway, love, your room is upstairs. Go check it out, dear. Dad bought you a new clock to mark our move here. Don't forget to set it!" Oh, whoopee, a new clock, Topaz thought ruefully as she headed for the stairs. Just what I always wanted. Thanks, Dad.

As she emerged from the ridiculously dark stairwell, dodging yet another Vigoroth barrelling down them at a hundred miles an hour – they certainly were vigorous – Topaz let out a small gasp of surprise. Her room was huge! It was almost as big as the entire downstairs section of the house, albeit just as tastelessly decorated, she noted with disapproval. Most of the floor was taken up by a pink rug that matched the one downstairs.

"Would it kill you to at least get a green one, Mum?" she muttered. At least she could always get rid of it later. Her bed, familiar and welcoming was set up on the other side of the room, and she flumped down on it with a sigh of relief as she scanned the rest of the area. There was certainly plenty of floor space. In one corner of the room, her PC was already set up on a desk, with her notebook sitting next to it. Getting up, she flipped through it idly. There wasn't much there, past a few notes she'd written to herself regarding the video game she'd been playing the week before.

Next to the desk was the familiar TV, with her GameCube already set up next to it. She checked that her Game Boy Advance was still connected as a controller and glanced around the walls. Over her desk was the map of the Hoenn region that her dad had given her for her eighth birthday. She noticed that somebody had tacked a chibified version of her face – complete with green bandana – to the spot on the map that read 'Littleroot Town'. It had been her mother's doing, no doubt. Sighing, she glanced across at the clock on the wall. It was a plain thing, round and pink.

"Meh, I'll set it later," she said dismissively, and headed downstairs, only to be met by her mother at the bottom of the stairs.

"Topaz, did you set the clock in your room, honey?"

"Well, no, but -"

"Go set it, then, love," her mother prodded insistently.

"I'll do it later, but I wanted to -"

"Go do it now, love. I can talk to you all you like once you've done that."

"But -"

"Now, honey."

"Okay, okay, jeez! What's got your knickers in a knot?" Topaz stormed bad-temperedly upstairs again. Still sulking and muttering under her breath, she took the clock off the wall and fiddled with the knobs on the back, checking against her wristwatch to make sure she had the right time. 8:44 am.

No sooner had she finished, her mother appeared at the top of the stairs, beaming.

"Topaz, how do you like you new room?" she asked.

"It's . . . OK," Topaz admitted, suddenly unwilling to admit how much she actually liked it. "You know I hate that rug, Mum! Why'd you have to put that in here?"

"That's a family heirloom, honey! It was in my room when I was a little girl, and in my mother's room before that!"

"No wonder it's so musty, then," Topaz muttered under her breath, making a mental note to toss the bloody thing out of a window the first chance she got. Even if she was forced to take it back, it would probably smell markedly better for a little fresh air.

"Good! Everything's put away neatly! They finished moving everything in downstairs, too. Pokémon movers are so convenient!"

"Yes, Mum, we've established that," Topaz said drily.

"Hmm?"

"You said the same thing five minutes ago," Topaz explained.

"Well, never mind. You should make sure that everything's all there on your desk, love. If anything's gotten lost in the move, we'll need to tell them about it now."

"Yeah, I already looked," she said. "It's all there, not that there was much in the first place." It was true, she realised as she said it. She didn't really have many things. Most of her time was spent outside, but judging by the look of this place, there wouldn't be much to do inside or out. Sighing, she followed her mother down the stairs.

"Oh, Topaz, Topaz, come quickly!" her mother called from over in front of the TV. Topaz blinked. How had she managed to get over there so fast? Sighing for what seemed like the millionth time that morning, she reluctantly moved to stand by the TV. "Look! It's Petalburg Gym! Maybe Dad will be on!" Topaz focused her attention on the screen.

"We brought you this report from in front of Petalburg Gym," the reporter said, bowing slightly towards the camera as the screen cut to a commercial for garden gnomes.

"Oh, it's over," her mum said disappointedly. "I think Dad was on, but we missed him. Too bad. Oh, yes, that reminds me! One of Dad's friends lives in town!"

"Oh, really? Who's that?" Topaz asked curiously. The idea that Dad knew someone from this backwater, middle-of-nowhere place was slightly far-fetched, but . . .

"Professor Birch is his name." Oh, Mew, no! Topaz thought desperately. Please, spare me! What the hell have I ever done to deserve this? "He lives right next door, so you should go over and introduce yourself."

Had the dream, then, been more than just a dream? If Professor Birch was actually real, then did that mean . . . She didn't really want to finish that. All she knew was that she really didn't want to talk to this Birch person. She had been really creeped out by the strange scientist that had appeared in her dark dream world, and now she found out that he was living in the same town!?

No, calm down, she told herself. It was just a dream. If he's a friend of Dad's, he can't be all that weird in real life. You can't trust dreams. Shivering slightly, she gritted her teeth and decided that she would go and talk to the professor, just to make sure. Patting her pocket to make sure the canister of pepper spray was still there, she pushed the door open and headed for the professor's house.

The house next door was almost identical to her own – from the outside, at least – but not quite. It took her a moment to work out the difference, but she soon realised that it was essentially a mirror image. The door was at the opposite end of the house, and the windows were arranged back to front. A little nervously, she went to knock on the door. It swung open at her touch, and she stepped back involuntarily. When nobody answered, she poked her head in cautiously.

"Hello?" she ventured.

"Oh, hello!" Topaz swung her head around so fast that she almost cricked her neck. A beaming woman with brown hair pulled back into a bun came bustling over from the kitchen table, which, Topaz noted with some consternation, was in the exact same position as her own, just reversed. Actually, the entire interior was the exact opposite of the downstairs section of her house. It was as if she had just walked through a mirror into a reflection, rather than another building altogether. "Who might you be, sweetie?"

"I'm, uh, Topaz," she began, but didn't get any further than that.

"Oh, of course, you're our new neighbour! I'm Mrs Birch, but you can call me Mary. I'm delighted you've arrived!" Mary seemed to be a little too delighted about everything, Topaz reflected.

"It's, uh, nice to meet you," Topaz said, lying through her teeth. This woman was just a little bit too bubbly for her liking. "But I'm looking for the professor. Is he . . . around?" She glanced around, but there didn't seem to be anyone else in the room, other than a very small child tottering aimlessly about.

"Oh, no, sweetie, he's not here right now. But I have a son about the same age as you, and he's been looking forward to meeting you. He's upstairs right now, I think. Go on up and say howdy!"

"Uh, I'm not sure if I . . ."

"Oh, don't be silly, sweetie. Just go ahead, it's no trouble!" Mary flapped her hands around distractedly, ushering her towards the stairs. Topaz reluctantly allowed herself to be ushered. Maybe it would be good to make a friend anyway. It would certainly make life slightly less boring.

As she emerged from the stairwell, the first thing that Topaz noticed was that this room, too, was a reversal of her own. Maybe they used the same moving company when they moved in, and never bothered to change anything, she theorised. Either way, she made a mental note to rearrange the furniture at her house as soon as she possibly could. There was even a rug on the floor much like her own, except that this one was blue. The second thing she noticed was that she was very much alone in the room. What sort of mother doesn't know where her son is? she wondered.

"Eh, what's this?" Topaz's sharp eyes had picked out a small orb lying on the floor next to the bed. One half of it was red, and the other white, with a slim black band dividing the two, splitting into a small circle with a white button inside it. A Poké Ball. Did it belong to the Birch kid? Curious as to its contents, she bent down to pick it up.

"Hey, you!" said someone behind her. "Who are you?" She stood up and spun round guiltily.

"I'm, uh, Topaz," she said. "I just moved in next door." She sized up the person facing her. It was obviously the Birch kid – who else would be in the Birch kid's room, after all? Then again, she reminded herself, she was in the Birch kid's room, and she wasn't the Birch kid. The first thing she noticed about him was that his hair was a shocking white. It didn't look dyed; rather, it seemed to be natural, which was strange. He wore a green headband with a Poké Ball logo on it, an orange and grey jacket, matching pants and fingerless orange gloves.

"I didn't know that you were a girl," he said, looking a little disappointed. "Dad said that our new neighbour was a Gym Leader's kid, so I kinda assumed you'd be a guy."

"Well, excuse me, then! How goddamn sexist can you get? You know what, you can take your assumptions and shove them up your -"

"Ah, ah, ah!" he said quietly, infuriating her with his cool demeanour. "Be nice, now. Girls shouldn't talk like that. Anyway," he continued as if nothing had happened, "my name's Brendan." He held out his hand for her to shake. Topaz clenched her fists. She felt like punching this arrogant little sod right on the nose, but she had to content herself with simply ignoring the offered hand.

"Delighted," she forced out through gritted teeth.

"Hey, Topaz, do you have a Pokémon yet?" he asked suddenly.

"Huh? Um, well . . . no," she admitted.

"I didn't think so. You are a girl, after all," he drawled. Topaz glared at him.

"Look here, you, I didn't come here to be insulted by you! If you're going to carry on like that, I'm just gonna beat the crap out of you, right here and now! So just shut the hell up, okay?" she yelled. Brendan averted his eyes slightly and endured her tirade. When she'd finished, he spoke again.

"Fine, fine, I'm sorry. I'll take it back. Tell you what, how about I go catch you a Pokémon to apologise properly?" he offered. Topaz was caught off guard by the sudden show of generosity.

"Um, I . . . I'd . . ." she mumbled, not quite sure what to say. "That'd be . . . nice. I'd like it if you'd do that for me." Wait, what the hell am I saying? she berated herself inwardly. This guy's a total douchebag! Why should I bother with him? All the same, she was oddly touched.

"Aw, darn! I forgot!" he exclaimed, slapping his forehead. "I'm supposed to go help my dad study some wild Pokémon! Some other time, okay?" he said. Brendan dashed across to his desk and began tossing things haphazardly into a green backpack.

"Um, excuse me?" Topaz said dumbly, but Brendan ignored her, only continuing to mutter randomly to nobody in particular.

"Pokémon fully restored . . . Items all packed, and . . ." he mumbled, rifling through a drawer.

"Hmph! I don't believe you!" Topaz spat. "The nerve!" Seeing that she was still being ignored, she turned on her heel and dashed down the stairs.

"What is his problem?" she asked out loud.

"Are you alright, sweetie?" asked Brendan's mum as she caught sight of Topaz heading for the door. "I thought I heard somebody yelling."

"No, it's OK," Topaz lied, forcing a smile.

"Well, that's good. If you can't find the professor, he might be at the lab," she offered. Topaz nodded.

"Thanks." She pushed the door open and left, fuming. That guy's got some nerve, she thought angrily. He gets all high and mighty and then acts as if he doesn't understand why I get pissed at him. What the hell is up with him? She silently resolved to see as little of Brendan Birch as she possibly could.

"I guess I'd better try the lab, then," she sighed, not talking to anyone in particular. As if there was anyone in this backwater junk-town that would listen. Glancing around, Topaz decided to try the largest building in town – there weren't many to choose from, she noted with annoyance. Although it only had one storey, it had the added value of being somewhat modern. The walls were grey concrete instead of quaint red brick, the windows and doors looked heavy and industrial, and the roof was corrugated iron rather than tiles. A sign out the front proclaimed 'Prof. Birch's Pokémon Lab'. Good guess, she congratulated herself, tugging the door open.

"Hey, is there a Professor Birch in here?" she called, glancing around. There were shelves scattered haphazardly around the room, evidently with no concern for freedom of movement. Passage was further obscured by piles of books and various computer desks, arranged completely randomly around the place, or so it seemed. A forlorn-looking pot plant in once corner tried futilely to restore some sense of order to the interior. "What a mess . . ." Topaz muttered disapprovingly. There was a sudden scuffling behind one of the bookcases, followed by the ejection of a young, nerdy-looking man in a white coat, with big round glasses and slicked-back black hair. He looked as if he'd just fallen off a cliff, but Topaz was in no mood to help him up.

"Huh? Professor Birch?" the man burbled. "The Prof's away on fieldwork. Ergo, he isn't here."

"I see," Topaz said. "And what kind of fieldwork might that be?"

"Oh, of course. Let me explain. It is to study things in the natural environment, like fields and mountains, instead of a laboratory. The Prof isn't one for doing desk work. He's the type of person who would rather go outside and experience things rather than read about them here. He's so great like that! He's a role model and an inspiration to me!" he babbled. His eyes shone when he talked about 'the Prof', she noticed.

"Are you some kind of assistant?" she asked him.

"Yes, yes, that's me!" he exclaimed, extending an ink-stained hand. "I'm Shelley, Shelley Richards. I help the Prof with his research." Topaz shook his hand thoughtfully. Despite having what could only be described as a fanatical devotion to Professor Birch, Shelley was the most sensible person she'd met in this town so far, including her own mother.

"I'm Topaz," she said. "I just moved in next door to the professor, and I'm trying to track him down for . . . some reason. Not sure why I'm bothering, to be entirely honest, but . . . do you have any idea where he might be?"

"Oh, I imagine he'll be out on Route 101, studying the Pokémon there. I'm not really sure what he's up to, though. He just dashed off about half an hour ago, shouting something about Zigzagoon."
"Thanks, Shelley," she said, heading for the door. "I can't stop to chat now, but I'll drop by later, 'kay?"

"Oh, Topaz!" Shelley exclaimed, stumbling after her. "Just remember: be careful out there! You don't have any Pokémon, so keep clear of wild ones, alright? You'd be in quite a pinch if you ran into one in the long grass," he warned. Topaz smiled.

"Don't worry, Shelley. I'll be fine. I'd like to see some little Pokémon try to take me on – I'd beat the hell out of it and send it crying home to its mummy! But, thanks for the tip anyway!" With that, she bolted out of the door, leaving a very bemused Shelley behind her.

Hmm, I've never actually played Pokemon Emerald so my commentary might be off, but here goes.

Now, if somebody on the street had asked her this question, Topaz would most likely have pulled out the pepper spray and called the police

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I loved that. And all of the pepper spray references peppered throughout the story. (Yeah, that pun was AWFUL.)

I always like snarky characters, so I'm interested to see how you develop Topaz. I feel bad for her mom though. :p

I'm also interested to see how closely you'll adhere to the storyline (never played Emerald, but I assume it's SOMEWHAT close to Ruby/Sapphire).

Anyways, yeah, can't wait until the second installment!

Wow...

I uh, I....

LOVED IT!! THAT WAS TERRIFIC!!

Seriously, I feel the exact same way about the "Silent Protagonist" in Pokemon! I love how you replaced God with Mew. That was hilarious. You know I never really thought of Brendan as Sexist, but I love this quote, God (I mean Mew) I laughed at this so hard:

"Well, excuse me, then! How goddamn sexist can you get? You know what, you can take your assumptions and shove them up your -"
"Ah, ah, ah!" he said quietly, infuriating her with his cool demeanour. "Be nice, now. Girls shouldn't talk like that.

This is a really great story and I would love to see more of this humour!

With all regards,

-ChrisTom

My review as follows...

. . .

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I've never raised it before, but quite a lot of authors do it like this: ...
I'm not saying you should do it that way, I'm just saying it'd be easier.

What sort of mother doesn't know where her son is? she wondered.

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she

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This should have a capital.


Other than that, my friend, you've done a very fine first chapter. If you have a VM/PM List, I'd like to be added to it.

Legendarian Mistress said:

My review as follows...



I've never raised it before, but quite a lot of authors do it like this: ...
I'm not saying you should do it that way, I'm just saying it'd be easier.

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When I first started writing fanfiction, I did them like that, but funnily enough, it was your friend SL who threw a spaz at me for doing it like that. So I changed it, and I've stuck with it. It just looks a little less cramped, I must admit.

This should have a capital.

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Hmm, this bothers me too, but it's intentional. It's not actually the start of a new sentence. If I capitalised that, it would make 'What kind of mother doesn't know where her son is?' and 'She wondered' two separate sentences. They're not, though. 'What kind of mother doesn't know where her son is' is the direct object, 'wondered' is the verb, and 'she' is the subject, so they need to be all in the same sentence.

A simpler way of explaining it would be likening it to speech.

"What kind of mother doesn't know where her son is?" she asked.

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Note that the 'she' is uncapitalised, even though the speech ends in a question mark. Thoughts work like that too; they just look a little more awkward due to the lack of question marks.

Other than that, my friend, you've done a very fine first chapter. If you have a VM/PM List, I'd like to be added to it.

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Hmm, there's no list (too much trouble for all these fics tbh), but there's a Subscribe button that I'm quite fond of.

This is terrific and hilarious! Awesome write!

Just because you know, what kind of Fanfiction writer would I be if I didn't do reviews. XD
I'll find time to do Shattered later...

Misheard Whisper said:

"I'm a girl," she informed him, feeling around in her pocket for the container of pepper spray . . . just in case.

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Lmao

she said rudely in response to the Pokémon's sorrowful bleating

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I always assumed Vigoroth's had a kind of grunt to them... Kind of like baboons or chimps...

"Topaz, did you set the clock in your room, honey?"

"Well, no, but -"

"Go set it, then, love," her mother prodded insistently.

"I'll do it later, but I wanted to -"

"Go do it now, love. I can talk to you all you like once you've done that."

"But -"

"Now, honey."

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Lol, love this part.

"Well, excuse me, then! How goddamn sexist can you get? You know what, you can take your assumptions and shove them up your -"

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My suggestion would be to italicize the 'excuse me' portion to denote sarcasm. Nevertheless, a lulworthy moment right here. XD

"Don't worry, Shelley. I'll be fine. I'd like to see some little Pokémon try to take me on – I'd beat the hell out of it and send it crying home to its mummy! But, thanks for the tip anyway!" With that, she bolted out of the door, leaving a very bemused Shelley behind her.

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I am forever going to be imagining Topaz with a Brittish/Australian accent since you used 'Mummy' instead of 'Mommy'. And that makes a difference in my head. :P

Porygon-Z said:

This is terrific and hilarious! Awesome write!

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Also starting to get annoyed with one-liners recently... Did you even mention what you liked?

Mizan de la Plume Kuro said:

Just because you know, what kind of Fanfiction writer would I be if I didn't do reviews. XD
I'll find time to do Shattered later...


Lmao

I always assumed Vigoroth's had a kind of grunt to them... Kind of like baboons or chimps...

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Hmm, yeah, perhaps. I guess I just thought 'sorrowful bleating' had something of a ring to it . . . maybe I picked it up somewhere.

Also, I must say I'm actually planning to drop Shattered, unfortunately. :( So it probably wouldn't be worth your while to review it. :/

Lol, love this part.

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I vividly remember, on my first playthrough of Emerald, walking down the stairs over a hundred times in a row just to see if she'd get the idea that I didn't want to set my clock.

She didn't.

My suggestion would be to italicize the 'excuse me' portion to denote sarcasm. Nevertheless, a lulworthy moment right here. XD

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Yerse, I may just do that . . .

I am forever going to be imagining Topaz with a Brittish/Australian accent since you used 'Mummy' instead of 'Mommy'. And that makes a difference in my head. :P

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Hahaha, yes. I tend to use British English in all my works (seeing as it's what we use here in New Zealand, but I see your point.

ANNOUNCEMENT: FROM THIS DAY HENCE, TOPAZ IS CANONICALLY BRITISH

Also starting to get annoyed with one-liners recently... Did you even mention what you liked?

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Me too, but I didn't even think it was worth replying to. :/

Anyway, why not have a Chapter Two?

Before we get into the next chapter, though, I want to say a couple of important things.

Firstly, I'm now using nifty chapter headers. :3 Well, I had them originally here, but eh. Huzzah for copypasta.

Secondly: if you've played Emerald, you should be aware that there are enormous periods of time where nothing really happens. So as determined as I am to stick to the original like glue, I'm making one major (not so major?) change.


Meet Xavier. In Emerald, he's the first NPC you meet on Route 101. He's nameless, and he doesn't have a Pokemon or even anything interesting to say beyond a recommendation to drop in at the Pokemon Centre (I use British spellings, guys, so don't eat me for that) in Oldale Town. So anyway, he's gonna be tagging along with Topaz. He won't affect the plot much, because he's too little to have his own Trainer license. He's just there so that Topaz has someone to talk to without me having to pull Brendan or Wally out of orbit or something.

So, now that we've got that sorted . . .

Oh yeah, almost forgot. A little note about money. Because 'pokedollars' sounds utterly stupid, and because I'm something of a weeaboo, I'm going to call them yen and use my rough interpretation of the exchange system. That is, 100 yen roughly equals 1 USD. Or AUD, or NZD, or wherever you are that uses these roughly equivalent(ish) currencies. It's not a major deal. But if you use rupees or something, you might want to put them through a more localised currency converter so you have an idea of how much Topaz is spending. So a 200 yen Poke Ball ~$2. 300 yen Potions ~$3.

I just like things to be logical. >_< K, this time, here we go.



Route 101 was the only road out of Littleroot Town, so Topaz had little trouble finding it. It disappeared almost instantly into light woodland, wending its way between the trees like a Seviper.

At the point where the road vanished into the trees, Topaz spotted a small girl of about seven in an orange dress, hovering around anxiously and looking very worried. The girl saw Topaz almost as soon as Topaz saw her, and immediately accosted her.

"Um, hi! There are scary Pokémon out there! I can hear them, and I want to see what's going on, but I don't have any Pokémon of my own. Can you go see what's happening for me?" Topaz cocked an ear towards the trees. Sure enough, there were faint sounds drifting on the breeze. Sharp yaps suggested a small Pokémon, and it sounded as if there was something larger moving about as well.

"Hmm, I guess. I'm going out this way anyway, so I might as well." Topaz shook her head in annoyance and headed into the trees, determined to drag Birch out by his ear if she had to.

The woods were surprisingly light, she realised. There really weren't many trees at all, just a lot of long grass. Her view of the sky was mostly unimpeded, unlike in Petalburg Woods, and the sun was shining. It was oddly silent, though, other than the sounds she had heard before, which were growing steadily louder as she followed them.

Within a minute, she had reached the source of the commotion. She stopped and stared in disbelief, suppressing a laugh. The man from her dream was running round in circles in a state of utter panic, and snapping fiercely at his heels was a tiny brown Pokémon with spiky fur.

"A Zigzagoon," she murmured, remembering Shelley's words. Birch didn't seem to have noticed her yet, too busy looking back over his shoulder to make sure the crazed Zigzagoon didn't catch him. The stubby little man was obviously not built for running, and Topaz was tempted just to let him be for a laugh, but she decided against it.

"Professor Birch, I presume?" she asked. Birch cried out in surprise and almost fell over, but managed to keep running somehow.

"H-help me!" he begged hysterically, backing up against a tree as the Zigzagoon advanced on him, growling menacingly. "Please! Help!" Topaz laughed, watching Birch's attempts to push the little Pokémon away with his foot. It was somewhat ridiculous that a grown man would be so afraid of a small Pokémon like that, she thought.

"What do you expect me to do?" she asked.

"In my bag! There's a Poké Ball! Please, help me!" Topaz glanced around. Sure enough, a few metres from where Birch was now attempting to climb the tree in an effort to escape lay a brown leather satchel. Again, Topaz debated simply leaving him to his own devices. It wasn't as if she was under any compulsion to help him, and it was likely that he was in no danger anyway.

"Fine, fine," she muttered, picking up the bag and rifling through it. She was supposed to be tracking the Professor down in the first place, and she doubted he'd be able to answer her questions in this state.

Inside the bag were three Poké Balls, not one. Still giggling to herself at Birch's predicament, she selected one at random and thumbed the release button. There was a pop and a flash of red light, and a small orange Pokémon materialised before her. It appeared to be a small, flightless bird, with a yellow beak and a disproportionately large head. Topaz recognised it immediately as a Torchic, a Fire-type. It chirped merrily, evidently enjoying being out of the Poké Ball.

Now, what moves does Torchic learn? Topaz wondered, racking her brains. It looks to be fairly inexperienced, so it's a safe bet that it'll only know moves like Scratch and Growl . . . pretty useless, but let's give it a shot.

"Torchic! Use Scratch!" she proclaimed, feeling a sudden rush of adrenaline at the command. It was a marvellous feeling, telling the Pokémon what to do. It made her feel . . . in control. Topaz grinned vindictively as Torchic's claws raked across the Zigzagoon's back, causing it to yowl in pain and turn away from the panting professor. Birch let out a huge sigh of relief and flopped down to the ground, sweating and breathing heavily.

The Zigzagoon's ears flattened back against its skull as its stubby little paws pounded the ground, propelling it towards Torchic at speed. It slammed into the Fire-type headfirst, causing its target to screech angrily as it stumbled backwards.

"Scratch, one more time!" Topaz ordered. "Sick 'em!" Torchic complied gladly, its claws aided by the power of righteous indignation, slashing the Zigzagoon across the muzzle this time. Yapping in frustration, the Zigzagoon backed down slowly. "Go on! Scram!" Topaz shooed it. Growling, it scurried into the undergrowth. Torchic squeaked triumphantly, and Topaz grinned. Winning felt . . . good. It hadn't been a terribly challenging battle, for sure. It was nothing compared to the Pokémon League battles she used to watch on TV with her dad, but it was a start.

"Whew . . ." Birch panted, pulling himself to his feet. "Those Zigzagoon really were vicious."

"Zigzagoon aren't vicious," Topaz objected. "They're quite docile, or so I thought."

"Yes, usually," Birch said, "but I noticed that they've been acting strangely lately, so I decided to come out here today to have a look. I was in the tall grass, observing them, when I was jumped. You saved me. Thanks a lot!"

"Eh, it's OK," Topaz said. It's not like it was a hassle or anything. Well, it had been to begin with, but she'd let herself get caught up in it. The battle had probably lasted all of thirty seconds, but she had never felt more alive. And maybe I was wrong about this guy. That dream really was weird, but I guess it was just that – a dream.

"Oh? Hey, you're Topaz, aren't you?" Or maybe not.

"How did you know my name?" she asked suspiciously.

"Uh . . . doesn't matter," Birch said quickly. "Anyway, this is no place to chat, so come back with me to my lab, all right?" Topaz's eyes narrowed.

"What are you suggesting?" she asked shrewdly.

"Huh? Nothing at all. Don't be silly!" Birch laughed. "Come on."

Maybe I'm just over-thinking it, Topaz admitted to herself. "Fine," she said aloud.

* * *


"So, Topaz," Birch said, once he had calmed down. They were back in the lab, surrounded by the familiar mess of shelving and other furniture. From somewhere in the room, a high-pitched whistling sounded, as Shelley prepared a pot of strong black tea, at Professor Birch's request. Topaz thought privately that if Birch had requested curried ice cream, Shelley would have found a way to procure it for him. "I've heard so much about you from your father."

"That's strange. He never mentioned you," said Topaz drily.

"Well, your father is famous, after all. I wouldn't expect him to tell you about all of his acquaintances," Birch said. He did look a little put out, however. "Anyway, one of the many things he told me was that you don't have your own Pokémon yet."

"No, I don't," she admitted. "Brendan offered to catch me one, but I think he kind of . . . had something else to do."

"Ah, you've met Brendan? Yes, that sounds like him. Always so distracted, that boy. Don't take it personally."

"I won't," she said, "but he needs to be a bit more careful what he says, if you don't mind me saying." Birch sighed.

"Yes, he does. He tends to run his mouth off a bit and insult people accidentally without realising it. Again, don't take it personally."

"Hmm . . ." Topaz was unconvinced, and she could tell that Birch knew it. He hurriedly changed the subject.

"Anyway, you've never handled Pokémon before?"

"No, not at all. Dad never let me help him with the Pokémon at the Gym, and I only just turned ten."

"You're only ten?" Birch asked in surprise. "Darn . . . You wouldn't know just by looking at you . . ."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Topaz asked, glaring at him. Maybe he was just a creepy old man after all.

"Uh, I just assumed that you were older. I was going to recommend you get a Trainer's license, but I don't know . . ." Sure, that's what you were thinking, you old pervert, she thought.

"Just because I'm ten, it doesn't mean I couldn't make just as good a trainer as someone older!" she growled.

"True, true," said Birch. "The way you battled earlier – you pulled it off with aplomb! I guess it's your father's blood in your veins."

"Hmph," she said, still unconvinced. Birch smiled.

"That frown is just like your father's, too," he laughed. "You look a lot like he did when he was your age, actually."

"You knew him that long ago?" Topaz asked, taken aback.

"Sure I did! I've been friends with him since we were kids. But that's a story for another time.
So, as thanks for rescuing me from that Zigzagoon before, I'd like you to have the Pokémon you used."

"Really?" Topaz sat, open-mouthed. "I can keep it?"

"Yep!" Birch said cheerfully as Shelley appeared with the tea. "Torchic is yours now. I'm sure you'll be quite the team!"

"I – I . . . Thank you, Professor!" Topaz cried. Her very own Pokémon? This day was starting to look up.

"If you work at Pokémon and gain experience, I think you'll make an extremely good Trainer." Me, a Trainer? I'd like that, but . . . I'd have to leave home. There's no way I could become a Pokémon Trainer by staying in this little place! Then again, she realised, she wouldn't really have a problem with leaving home. She didn't like Littleroot that much, anyway. And Mum will probably be glad to get rid of me for a while.

"Brendan is also studying Pokémon while helping me out. Topaz, don't you think it might be a good idea to go see Brendan? I mean, now that you're going to be a trainer as well and all?"

"No!" Topaz said firmly. "I'm sorry, Professor, but I don't want anything more to do with him!"

"Oh, don't be that way. You should go and say hello to him! Come on . . ." he pleaded. Topaz sighed. How pathetic can you get?

"Fine . . ." she said reluctantly.

"Great! Brendan should be happy to see you, too. Get Brendan to teach you what it really means to be a Trainer, and while you're out, I'll process your license application."

"Where do you think he is?" Topaz asked. She hadn't seen him since she'd stormed out of his house, and she had no idea where to start looking.

"Hmm, Brendan? Gone home, I think. Or maybe that kid's scrabbling around in tall grass again somewhere. Like father, like son, I guess." That's for sure. Complete wackos, the both of you, she thought irritably as she navigated her way through the sea of shelving.

"See you, Shelley!" she called over her shoulder as she left.

"Take care, Topaz!" Shelley's voice came at her from somewhere in the corner of the lab. Probably still making tea.

Topaz sighed as she closed the door behind her, leaning against it with her eyes closed for a few seconds. She had to admit, she was pleased with these developments. She had her own Pokémon for the first time in her life, and Professor Birch was going to get her a Trainer's license. That would give her an excuse to get away from the boring life that she had just been forced into, and it had never been more welcome.

"Well, I guess I'd better go track Brendan down," she sighed. Wondering why the hell she even cared, she knocked on the Birch residence's front door.

"Topaz, sweetie! Come in, sit down! Can I get you anything? A drink?"

"I'm fine, thanks," Topaz said. Damn, I forgot about Mary, she chastised herself. I need to get out of here quickly, or she'll talk me to death. "I'm just looking for Brendan."

"Oh, Brendan left not long ago, sweetie. He was headed for Route 103, I think. Can't sit still for ten seconds, that boy. You, know, when he was seven years old, he used to –"

"'Kay, thanks, bye!" Topaz called as she dashed off, leaving Mary hanging mid-spiel.

Wondering – not for the first time – why she was even bothering to look for Brendan, Topaz headed for Route 101 again. This time, she avoided the long grass as much as she could. Fighting Pokémon battles was all very well, but right then all she wanted was to find that damned Brendan and drag his sorry ass back home.

Despite her best efforts, she couldn't escape being jumped by a wild Wurmple, a small red and white caterpillar with a little yellow spike on its head and two more on its tail. It squeaked at her aggressively, annoyed at being disturbed, and tried to block her path. Topaz considered simply kicking it out of the way, but she supposed it couldn't hurt to let Torchic have a go at it. She pulled the Poké Ball from her belt and let it fly.

"Now, what to do with you?" she wondered. "Might as well just use Scratch, seeing as you don't know anything useful yet." Torchic squeaked indignantly, but obeyed. The Wurmple shrilled in protest as Torchic's sharp claws raked across its soft, segmented body. Moving with surprising speed, it charged at Torchic, ramming into it headfirst.

"Scratch, again!" Topaz commanded, beginning to feel the excitement rising up in her again. But before she could get any more into the battle, it was over. A third Scratch finished the Wurmple off, and it limped off, squeaking pathetically. Topaz sighed in disappointment.

"Can you do anything other than scratch things with those claws?" she asked Torchic, trying to contain her annoyance. The little Pokémon shook its head sadly. "Hmph," Topaz snorted. "What good's that going to do me? How am I supposed to become a decent Pokémon Trainer if that's all you can do?" Become a Pokémon Trainer? Since when had that been her goal? I'm only doing this so that . . . so that . . . I really don't know what I thought I was doing before, she admitted to herself. How could I not have thought of that? I entertained myself with vague ideas of leaving home and being a Trainer, but now it's official!

"I'm going to be a Pokémon Trainer!" she said aloud. "The best there's ever been!"

"That's nice," sneered a voice from behind her. She spun around in shock. She hadn't realised that anyone was there. Leaning nonchalantly against a tree, blue baseball cap poking jauntily backwards, was a young boy, probably a year or two younger than she was. He was dressed in a green t-shirt and slightly darker green shorts. He seemed to be laughing at her with his eyes, although his round face showed no emotion.

"Who are you?" she demanded, fuming at being caught in such an embarrassing way.

"The name's Xavier," he said, "but you can call me Xavier. Everyone does."

"That's . . . not funny," Topaz said. Xavier's impassive demeanour faltered.

"Really?" he asked, sounding a little worried.

"Really," she assured him.

"Well, damn," he said, his face breaking into a wide smile. "Let's start again. You're gonna be a Pokémon Trainer?" Topaz blushed slightly, nodding defensively.

"Yeah, I guess. It's better than living in this boring corner of the world for the rest of my life." Xavier nodded in apparent satisfaction.

"Well said, well said. Couldn't have put it better myself. What's your name?"

"Topaz," she said, warming to this strange kid. Xavier shook her hand firmly.

"It's nice to meet you, Topaz. Anyway, as you're obviously a new Trainer, you may not know this, but there's a Pokémon Centre in Oldale Town, just up ahead. Your Pokémon will be pretty tired once you get there, seeing as how inexperienced it is, so you'll want to stop in and let it have a rest."

"Uh, thanks. I'll do that."

"You probably would have forgotten to do that if I hadn't mentioned it, wouldn't you?"

"Of course not!" Topaz denied vehemently. Well, actually, he's right, but . . .

"Sure." Xavier seemed amused. "Well, I guess I'll see you around." Without a further word, he turned and disappeared into the trees.

"Hmm. Weird kid," Topaz muttered. "Stuck-up little . . ."

Five minutes and a Poochyena later, Topaz found herself facing a sign that read 'Oldale Town – Where things start off scarce.'

"That was stupid," she said aloud. "What sort of idiot town planner puts two towns this close together?" Shaking her head in disappointment, she glanced around. The town, as far as she could see, was little bigger than Littleroot. At least there was retail, she noted with some relief upon seeing the PokéMart to one side of the main road.

Anyway, that kid said I should go to the Pokémon Centre . . . he's probably right. Torchic's looking a little tired, she thought as she made a beeline for the red roof that stood out from a mile away.

The automatic doors hissed open as she approached them, granting her access to one of the cleanest rooms she had ever seen. Every surface practically shone. From the squeaky yellow tiles on the floor to the large plastic Poké Balls on the desk, everything was ***** and span. Behind the desk was a pink-haired young nurse with what was clearly a forced smile on her face.

"You don't want to be here either, huh?" Topaz asked wryly as she approached the desk. The nurse jumped.

"Eh? Wa-was it that obvious?" she asked bashfully.

"I've spent ten years pretending to enjoy myself when Mum's talking. It's pretty obvious, yeah."

"Oh, well, um . . . anyway, hello, and welcome to the Pokémon Centre. We restore your tired Pokémon to full health. Would you like to rest your Pokémon?"

"Well, that's what I came in here for, isn't it?" Topaz said grumpily, handing over Torchic's Poké Ball.

"Okay, it'll just be a few seconds," the nurse said faux-cheerfully, plonking the Poké Ball into a large machine beside her. The machine came to life, humming and beeping, while a display on the wall flashed blue. Almost as soon as it had started, however, the action stopped, and the machine quieted down. The nurse plucked Torchic's Poké Ball from the slot on the machine and handed it back to Topaz.

"That's it?" Topaz asked dumbly. "It only took, like, five seconds!"

"Yup! That's technology for you! But anyway, thanks for waiting! We've restored your Pokémon to full health. We hope to see you again!"

"You sound like you're reading from a script half the time," Topaz said suspiciously. The nurse fidgeted awkwardly.

"Well, to be honest with you . . ."

"You're frigging kidding me."

"No . . ." She pulled out a sheet of paper from beneath the desk and handed it sheepishly to Topaz. She scanned it quickly.

(Customer enters)

Hello, and welcome to the Pokémon Centre. We restore your tired Pokémon to full health. Would you like to rest your Pokémon?

(Customer replies in the affirmative)

Okay, I'll take your Pokémon for a few seconds.

(When healing is complete)

Thank you for waiting. We've restored your Pokémon to full health. We hope to see you again!

(Don't forget to smile)

"So you say the exact same thing to every Trainer that comes in here?" Topaz asked, dumbstruck.

"Well, yes, pretty much."

"This corner of Hoenn is so screwed up!" Topaz complained, storming out of the Pokémon Centre.

"Bloody hell," she muttered. "The sooner I get out of here, the better. Otherwise, I'll start going crazy too!"

"What, you mean talking to yourself isn't considered crazy?" Topaz jumped.

"Xavier?" Sure enough, the kid had been leaning against the wall of the Pokémon Centre as she exited.

"The one and only," he said smugly.

"You're beginning to annoy me a little," she frowned.

"Eh, what can I say? I'm bored, and you seemed interesting."

"What, so you decided to follow me around?"

"Um . . . yeah, pretty much!" he said cheerfully. "I see you took my advice, but is there anything else you need help with?"

"I don't need your help, I'm just fine as I – well, actually . . ." Topaz glanced around hopefully. "Do you know which way Route 103 is?" she asked. Xavier chuckled.

"You're not gonna make a very good Trainer if you keep getting lost like that, you know," he said.

"I'm not lost! I just . . . I'm just not sure which way to go next, that's all," she protested.

"In other words, you're lost," Xavier smirked.

"No, I – yeah. Yeah, I guess I am," she admitted. "So please, which way is it?" she pleaded. Xavier grinned widely.

"Up north," he supplied, pointing. "If you'll deign to listen to another of my suggestions, however, you'd be wise to drop in to the PokéMart before you leave. Items can really come in handy for when you're in a pinch. And there's a fair chance you will be, because the Pokémon on Route 103 tend to be a little bit more aggressive than those on 101."

"How do you know so much, Xavier? No offense, but you're just a kid." Xavier grinned mysteriously.

"It's a long story. I'll tell you on the way out." Topaz sighed.

"Fine. PokéMart it is."

"This way, then," Xavier said cheerily, leading her in a direction roughly perpendicular to that he had indicated earlier. Topaz had little choice but to follow him.

The PokéMart was a squat, white building with a blue roof that was just as easily recognisable as the Pokémon Centre's red one, but before they were even within a block of it, Topaz was accosted by a young man in a white apron.

"Hey there, miss! I work at the Pokémon Mart just down the road there. Can I get you to come with me?" He spoke very fast and very loudly; his voice sounded like one of those annoying radio ads.

"Uh, no thanks, actually, I was just -"

"Good!" the man said, taking her by the wrist and practically dragging her towards the PokéMart. When they were standing outside, he continued talking, firing words out like bullets from a semi-automatic. "This is a Pokémon Mart. Just look for our cool blue roof! You can find branch stores all across Hoenn, so just drop in anytime you need something!" Topaz was really starting to get pissed off by this guy.

"I know, damn it! I used to -"

"We sell a variety of goods, including Poké Balls for catching Pokémon," he continued, speaking over the top of her.

"Are you reading off a bloody script as well?" she practically screeched.

"Well, actually . . ." The apron-wearer began to reach into his pocket.

"No! Bloody hell, I don't want to know!" she said forcefully, slapping his hand away before he could annoy her any more. "Are you done?"

"Um . . . here, I'd like you to have this as a promotional item," he said, handing her a small pump-'n-squirt bottle full of purple liquid.

"Eh? A Potion?"

"A Potion can be used any time, so it's even more useful than a Pokémon Centre in certain situations."

"Fine, thank you, whatever! Now are you done?"

"Er . . . yes, pretty much. Please shop with us whenever you need new items!"

"Whatever," she muttered, dragging Xavier into the Pokémon Centre.

Inside, rows of neatly arranged shelves bore perfectly stacked rows of merchandise, from Poké Balls to Repels, Antidotes to Paralyse Heals.

"Hmm, that's useful," Topaz mused. "I'll just get a couple more Potions and some spare Poké Balls for now, I think." She reached for a shelf filled with the small purple bottles, but Xavier grabbed her wrist.

"You can't do that!" he hissed.

"What? Why not?" she asked, bemused.

"Just go up and tell the clerk what you want, and he'll get it for you. It's an anti-theft system," Xavier explained.

"That's kind of stupid," she frowned. "Fine." She approached the counter ruefully.

"Welcome!" said the clerk happily, a wide grin plastered across his face. Unlike that of the nurse at the Pokémon Centre, however, his was clearly not forced. Here's a guy who enjoys his job far more than he should, she thought. "How may I serve you?"

"I'd like to buy some things, please. Isn't that what you normally do at a PokéMart?"

"Sure!" The clerk seemed unfazed by her sarcasm. "The price list is right here!" He gestured at a plastic sign bolted to the counter. Topaz scanned it quickly.

"I don't see any Poké Balls," she said, frowning.

"I'm terribly sorry, miss, but we're currently out of stock! Perhaps you could try one of our other branches. In the meantime, can I get you anything else?" he asked cheerily. Topaz's frown deepened.

"But . . . there were Poké Balls on the shelves over there!" she protested, pointing. The clerk continued grinning blandly.

"I'm sorry, we're out of stock," he repeated.

"Why can't I just get those Poké Balls off the shelf?" Topaz asked loudly.

"I'm afraid we can't sell you display models, miss. Can I get you anything else?" he offered. Topaz fumed.

"Fine, I'll just get . . . three Potions, then."

"Right away, miss!" chirped the clerk, bustling off towards the shelves.

"Anti-theft measure it may be," Topaz whispered to Xavier, "but what sort of retarded shop won't let you get things off the shelves and bring them to the counter?" Xavier laughed quietly.

"Yeah, well, nothing is logical about this chain," he said drily. "They won't sell you anything unless they feel like it, and evidently he doesn't feel like selling Poké Balls today."

"I'm sure that's illegal," she grumbled. "False advertising or something."

"Probably, but we can sue them some other day. For now, just pay and let's go."

"Here you go, miss!" the clerk said brightly. "That'll be 900 yen, please!" Topaz happily handed over a few notes. It wasn't a bad price, actually.

"Thank you! Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No. Thank you, we'll be leaving now."

"Thank you, and please come again!"

"Don't count on it," Topaz said under her breath as she stalked out of the shop.

"Honestly, that's just stupid," she complained to Xavier as he guided her towards Route 103. "If it wasn't for how cheap it was, I'd never be shopping there again."

"Yep, it's pretty dumb," said Xavier, "but you'll just have to get over it. They're like that in every town I've been to."

"You've travelled, then?" she asked curiously as they passed the sign reading 'Route 103'.

"That's right! I said I'd tell you, didn't I?" Xavier laughed.

"Yes, you did. Go on then, spill the beans!" she prodded him. Xavier nodded.

"OK, fine. Here goes nothing."

~~~~~


Aaaand you'll have to wait for Chapter Three to find out about this slightly creepy kid's past.

And recolouring sprites is fun.

And, and, my game time is now nine hours and thirty-five minutes. Topaz is, like her fic counterpart, standing on the first tile of Route 103. Dear lord. In a normal playthrough, I would have been at Fortree by now. XD

Mizan de la Plume Kuro said:

Also starting to get annoyed with one-liners recently... Did you even mention what you liked?

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Dear me, sorry for not writing a love letter. I didn't know there was a protocol just for saying you liked somthing, but since there is I might as well comply since I'm getting so many good laughs of of this fanfic!

Overall I like the language used. "Puddle of light" made me giggle.

The observational humor is top notch. I liked that she actually couldn't leave her room until the clock was set and that her Mother is just so blissfully ignorant to the neuroticness. Especially the pokeballs in the pokemart in chapter 2. I never notice they were on the shelves, lol!

Also the fact that the salesmen were actually reading from scripts, made me laugh.

I like that Xavier is a foil for Topaz's sarcasm, it made a nice change of pace.

I think the overall feel is like Alice in Wonderland, with a bunch of nonsense characters and one person who can't make sense of any of it. lol.

There is a lot more I could say that made me laugh, but without going back over it with a notepad, I wouldn't be able to get everything, but that was what stood out for me.

The wittiness if fab so keep it up! :)

Very interesting concept. Witty, and humourous. (I like the British spelling better.) I loved how the people were reading from a script, that was hilarious. The Xavier kid is interesting, and funny. Brendan is the perfect opposite of Topaz, they could produce some great lines together. Can't wait for Chapter 3!

Hah, it's so much like the games and hilariously hilarious. I like it.

Also, British?

D=

My review of Chapter 2 is as follows:

Because 'pokedollars' sounds utterly stupid

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I oppose that. Take that back! Pokédollars sounds fine!!

weeaboo

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And what's that supposed to mean?

"The name's Xavier," he said, "but you can call me Xavier.

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Not very original, if you want my opinion.

"Eh? Wa-was it that obvious?" she asked bashfully.

"I've spent ten years pretending to enjoy myself when Mum's talking. It's pretty obvious, yeah."

"Oh, well, um . . . anyway, hello, and welcome to the Pokémon Centre. We restore your tired Pokémon to full health. Would you like to rest your Pokémon?"

"Well, that's what I came in here for, isn't it?" Topaz said grumpily, handing over Torchic's Poké Ball.

"Okay, it'll just be a few seconds," the nurse said faux-cheerfully, plonking the Poké Ball into a large machine beside her. The machine came to life, humming and beeping, while a display on the wall flashed blue. Almost as soon as it had started, however, the action stopped, and the machine quieted down. The nurse plucked Torchic's Poké Ball from the slot on the machine and handed it back to Topaz.

"That's it?" Topaz asked dumbly. "It only took, like, five seconds!"

"Yup! That's technology for you! But anyway, thanks for waiting! We've restored your Pokémon to full health. We hope to see you again!"

"You sound like you're reading from a script half the time," Topaz said suspiciously. The nurse fidgeted awkwardly.

"Well, to be honest with you . . ."

"You're frigging kidding me."

"No . . ." She pulled out a sheet of paper from beneath the desk and handed it sheepishly to Topaz. She scanned it quickly.

(Customer enters)

Hello, and welcome to the Pokémon Centre. We restore your tired Pokémon to full health. Would you like to rest your Pokémon?

(Customer replies in the affirmative)

Okay, I'll take your Pokémon for a few seconds.

(When healing is complete)

Thank you for waiting. We've restored your Pokémon to full health. We hope to see you again!

(Don't forget to smile)

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*bursts out laughing*

"Are you reading off a bloody script as well?" she practically screeched.

"Well, actually . . ." The apron-wearer began to reach into his pocket.

"No! Bloody hell, I don't want to know!" she said forcefully, slapping his hand away before he could annoy her any more. "Are you done?"

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Same reaction.

Well done, SD/MW. You've excelled in this chapter. Keep up the good work.

Misheard Whisper said:

Because 'pokedollars' sounds utterly stupid, and because I'm something of a weeaboo, I'm going to call them yen and use my rough interpretation of the exchange system.

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Well then, it's a good thing that the Pokémon Platinum game guide calls the currency "Poké", isn't it? ;D

Anyhow, onto the actual chapter.

propelling it towards Torchic at speed.

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Unless you're trying to pull an Aqua here, then I think this part of the sentence could use some revising.

Other than that, I have to say that... well, after the first chapter, it actually isn't all that funny. Sorry. If you want something to be funny, it also has to be believable to an extent. Even though this is a comedy fic - where not everything is really that solid or logical - if you don't have that it just seems like you're stitching some witticisms together and putting a few protagonists in between. I mean, we've all noticed the goofy things about the games, but it takes a lot of skill to have a character romp around pointing them out and not seem like the fourth wall is their personal wad of Play-Doh. For example, I would imagine that Joys are trained to recite that same dreadfully boring speech all the time, and not stray from the script no matter what snarky Trainer comes in. It just seemed like Topaz magically realized that she was lying - and besides, if you're lying yourself and you're not looking in the mirror while doing so, how would you even know what bad or good acting really looked like? My point is, you need to stop using Topaz as a Miss Exposition, pointing out every odd thing that comes her way, because it gets pretty boring pretty fast. Not to mention that she's acting more sixteen than ten. Xavier, too, is a little strange - he's supposed to be what, just-turned-ten? I don't think he would have quite a... 'mature' personality at this age, if you're going by the general Youngster manner. If you can find another way to point out the LOLz than have a couple of little kids point them out then more power to you, but I find that most parody fics depend on a satirical protagonist to keep it afloat and... that gets pretty generic after a while. Call me jaded if you like, but it's what I've observed.

So... a parody Trainerfic is a long, hard road, harder even than a regular Trainerfic. Since this obviously isn't meant to be particularly serious and with emphasis on elaborate characters, I can't hold you too responsible for those, but I should say that you need to find some better ways to deliver your funny lines and remember to keep in mind exactly how old your protagonists are.