[Pokémon] Of Electrodes and Magnetons

Here's an example of a play-on-words fic that I've written.

Again, you saw it on Bulbagarden and Serebii first, but I thought I might as well post it here too, to see what other people think.

Although it doesn't take place in the Pokémon universe, it's still about Pokémon.


The bell rang at Olympia High School. "Oh crap, I'm late!" said Charon, who quickly picked up her Nintendo DS, closed it, put it in her backpack, and ran to class.

She ran through the hall and up the stairs. "I'd better hurry, I only have one minute before class starts."

She counted the rooms. 208, 210, 212... aha, here was room 217. She quickly flung open the door and walked very loudly to her seat, taking overly firm steps and panting.

"Welcome to my class on time, Ms. Dervian," said her physics teacher. "This is unusual for you," he added. "You're normally at least one or two seconds late." The bell rang again, sinking his point in.

She went to her seat, and sat down with the other students.

"Okay, class, today our topic is electromagnetism," said the teacher. "Would you please get out some drawing paper, we're going to be making a few diagrams today."

Charon, although chronically late by a few seconds, was always prepared with drawing paper – mainly to make doodles in class.

The teacher drew a circuit diagram on the board, which everybody else copied, although Charon decided to make a few of her own changes. Where the teacher left one end of the wire hanging on a circle, she decided to draw an Electrode in place of the circle. They were talking about electricity, after all.

When the teacher was done drawing the diagram, it was simply two wires coming out of a battery, with an electrical contact point on each end. Charon admired her work. "Hmm, looks like a very electrifying diagram to me," she mused to herself, with a satisfied smile. The teacher started speaking. "Class, what will happen if I connect these two electrodes to a lightbulb?"

Huh? Did Charon just hear right? He just said 'electrode'. Please, God, do not tell me he just said 'electrode'. Charon raised her hand slowly and timidly. "Charon?" said the teacher, calling on Charon.

"The bulb will light up, won't it?" she said. "Because they are Electrodes, after all. They'll send a shock running through the bulb, which will light it up."

"Right and wrong," said the teacher, turning back to the board and writing more words down. "The electrodes won't send a shock through the light bulb. The correct term for the electricity that runs through the bulb is a current." Everybody got out their pens and wrote this down, including Charon, who made a note on her sketch. ("The correct term is current, not shock.")

The teacher asked another question. "What about if I touch these two electrodes together?" he said, pointing to two of the circles he had drawn that were connected to the battery.

Charon thought about it for a second. If two Electrodes touched each other, they would interact and explode. She raised her hand again. "Yes, Charon? My, you're active today."

"Won't they blow up? I mean, I've seen two Electrodes interact before, and—"

"Nuh-uh-uh," said the teacher, holding out his finger. "Electrodes don't interact, they just connect. You're right that something will blow up – but it's not the electrodes, it'll probably be the battery."

The teacher drew a few more circles and diagrams on the board. "Okay, enough about currents, let's talk about magnets."

"What I'm going to be teaching you today doesn't have that much to do with what we're going to learn through the rest of this unit, but I thought it might be a good introduction."

He drew a few particles on the board, making the shape of an atom. "You know, class, that an atom contains three types of particles – protons, neutrons, and electrons. But," he continued, drawing some other symbols on the board. "But there are other particles in the mix as well. For example, light can also be represented as a particle."

The teacher drew a small circle on the board. "Light can travel in waves or particles," he said, to a class that was half asleep by now. "These particles are called photons, and they represent the intensity of light. The more photons you have travelling at you at one time, the brighter the light is."

"There are also particles called gravitons that represent units of gravity," he continued, drawing more nonsensical symbols on the board which Charon copied down. "These particles represent the force that pulls particles together, and they represent the force that keeps you and me on the ground. Now, when a current flows through an electrical wire, it creates a magnetic field that flows in this direction," he said, drawing arrows around the wire. "This field, surprisingly enough, can also be measured in terms of particles." He stopped, drawing a bunch of particles while Charon was making her own diagram. "So, who has any idea what this one might be called?"

Charon paled. Oh no, don't tell me it's—

A student raised his hand. "Yes, Mr. Karli," said the teacher. The student said, "Sir, would it be called the magneton?"

"Bingo," said the teacher. "The magneton is the quantum unit of the strength of magnetic fields."

Charon was looking, wide-eyed, at her piece of paper. When the physics teacher had been explaining the magnetic fields, she had been busy drawing a Magneton, floating around the wire in the directions that the magnetic field was pointing. It was about magnetism, after all.

Charon raised her hand suddenly, pausing the teacher who was explaining what a tesla was. "Yes, Ms. Dervian," said the teacher.

"Do you mean to say that there are actually Magnetons floating around a wire when a sh—I mean current runs through it?"

"Well," said the teacher, looking back at his diagram. "I wouldn't say that there are physically any magnetons floating around the wire, but the strength of the magnetic field depends on how many of them there are."

The bell rang at that point. "Wow. Short period," said the teacher, who looked at the clock – 1:30. "Okay, class, remember to read your homework tonight," said the teacher, as they all walked out the door.

Charon sighed. This was going to be a long unit.


Now, as I learned later, my proposition was wrong - the magneton is not a unit of magnetic field at all - it is a "natural unit" of magnetic moment, which is the other factor (along with magnetic field) that determines the amount of force a magnet can exert.

In other words, the magneton is the "quantum unit" of the strength of a magnet, not a magnetic field.

Eventually, I'll revise this to make it accurate.

Very amusing little story. XD

I could definitely relate to this one, partially because physics was my favorite science class. And I think everyone can think of something that they heard the name of in a game or movie before hearing about the actual thing in a class. You handled Charon's reaction to this very well, and very humorously.

I didn't actually catch the science mistake, but then again I don't remember all that much about magnetism. :P The mistake doesn't affect the quality of the story, though, so I won't hold it against you. Getting science 100% right in fiction is as challenging as it is annoying. (That makes me wonder: does this fic count as "science fiction"? Hm.)

The writing seemed pretty well polished, and I can't recall spotting any grammatical mistakes, but I might have missed some so it still wouldn't hurt for you to go back and check. There was one sentence, thought, that I had trouble parsing at first:

Charon, although chronically late by a few seconds, was always prepared with drawing paper – mainly to make doodles in class.​

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When I first read this, I read the first part as saying "Charon is late right now, as she usually is," which isn't what you were going for. I would either change "chronically" to "normally," or rephrase it as saying that she's "a chronic latecomer."

That aside, this was a nicely written, relate-able, and funny little one-shot. The forum needs more of those, so well done.

No, anon, I'm not stalking you. :P

Selamat sejahtera, Encik Dragonite Ernston.

Guess the language!

Anyway, I decided to pop over to the FF section and do a bit of a reviewing spree, see, and I was enticed by your fic title which reminded me of the 'Of Mice and Men' novel which I have never read. Suffice to say, this is a humorous little slice-of-life diddy (oh god, did I just say diddy?) you've written here, and like anon, physics is an interest of mine so I quite like where this is going.

On the subject of the story, I was a bit miffed by one part which stood out to me. Namely, the teacher explaining both the graviton and the photon to the class. From what I can gather, the fic is set in a regular high school physics class, and I don't know of any country where elementary particles are taught in the syllabus. A photon I can understand, seeing as electromagnetism is a big topic and all, but a EDIT: graviton, no. Still, I admit that I just like showing off my knowledge of science, so I can accept the references to Graviton on the basis that the teacher was merely using it as an example on which to introduce boson (there we go again with the sciencey stuff) naming conventions, and subsequently the magneton, which isn't technically a boson. Hence, my displeasure, but still.

Anyway, interesting read, and suffice to say, I was definitely amused.

Thanks, you two.

Mizan de la Plume Kuro said:

On the subject of the story, I was a bit miffed by one part which stood out to me. Namely, the teacher explaining both the graviton and the photon to the class. From what I can gather, the fic is set in a regular high school physics class, and I don't know of any country where elementary particles are taught in the syllabus. A photon I can understand, seeing as electromagnetism is a big topic and all, but a graviton, no. Still, I admit that I just like showing off my knowledge of science, so I can accept the references to Graviton on the basis that the teacher was merely using it as an example on which to introduce boson (there we go again with the sciencey stuff) naming conventions, and subsequently the magneton, which isn't technically a boson. Hence, my displeasure, but still.

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I'll admit I didn't get the science right in this fic. But the teacher was probably showing off his knowledge of science too >_> (He did mention that it had nothing to do with their curriculum.)

And no, the magneton isn't a boson, but I didn't think that the -on suffix only applied to bosons at the time of writing >_<

****in' Magneton, how do they work? Sorry. That had to be said.

Anyway, to start things off, I will say that the plot was cute. I'm a sucker for stealth puns, and I have to admit I wish I had the courage when I was attending school to work in as many Pokémon puns as possible. (In college, I would have gotten away with it. High school, not so much.) It was cleverly done; the conversation between Charon and her teacher seemed completely natural, particularly at the part about electrodes and how they work. I liked how Charon was able to work in the species pun and then see it as a pun without anyone around her being none the wiser. (Or, at least, I'm reading it as if she's perfectly conscious of the fact that she's actually making subtle jokes, but it could also be that she literally just can't help it. Wasn't too sure about which interpretation to take here. One implies she's a pretty clever character; the other implies she's a crazy fan.)

A few notes on the side of concrit, though:

1. That first line feels like it could be separated into a few more sentences. Namely, that list of actions right after "said Charon" feels like it's a bit wordy, so you could perhaps try to cut it off after "Charon" and work the rest into one or two sentences about her going to class. Remember, the main idea of the sentence with the quote is to capture what Charon says and how she says it. Maybe even what she does at the exact moment she's speaking. If you run into things she does well after she's done talking (like putting away her DS and running to class), you might as well put that in a different sentence to separate one idea from another. You might even get away with splitting it up into multiple sentences: one about what she does with her DS and another about her running to class. This last idea is optional, however.

2. I can't help but wonder why her name is Charon. From what I can tell, this is set in real life, with ordinary people and naming conventions. (For example, while you might have a Galactic admin named Charon, that's only because the creators were being punny on a meta level, not that anyone hated their child enough to name him that.) The reason why I ask is because it seems a little on the jarring side because Charon is the name of the ferryman for the dead. It's a lot like naming your kid Death.

3. Going to verify Mizan's comment about elementary particles in a syllabus. (Although, yeah, the photon is sometimes covered in high school physics.) However, there's something about the syllabus that struck me as more unusual than how advanced the material was: the content itself. This physics teacher went from explaining pretty basic stuff about circuits and electricity to somewhat advanced stuff about magnetism. Not only that, but he covered this in a pretty short period, too. As in, he doesn't go in depth about electricity (even though it's clear that his students don't really know that much about them, given Charon's need to note down that the term is "current" and not "shock"), and immediately after the joke about Electrodes being "shocking" was done, he moved on to what's practically a completely different subject with very little transitioning between the two concepts. Usually, a teacher would not only focus on one concept for one period but also try to spend a lot more than a couple of minutes on it to make sure everyone's got it. Maybe even give students the opportunity to ask questions about the lesson before/if he moves on to another one. Otherwise, there's no point in trying to teach the idea at all because he'd just be going way too fast for his class.

That and it just felt that you were focusing too much on the punchline and having the jokes at all than actually working up to the joke. Like I said, it seemed as if the teacher transitioned right when the Electrode puns were over. So, it felt a little on the awkward side.

But don't get me wrong. Like I said, it was very cute and a pretty enjoyable read. It's just that the transitioning felt a little awkward, and there were a couple of details that tripped up anal-retentive me.

JX Valentine said:

****in' Magneton, how do they work? Sorry. That had to be said.

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I don't know where that pun came from, so your joke has not gone to waste.

Anyway, to start things off, I will say that the plot was cute. I'm a sucker for stealth puns, and I have to admit I wish I had the courage when I was attending school to work in as many Pokémon puns as possible. (In college, I would have gotten away with it. High school, not so much.) It was cleverly done; the conversation between Charon and her teacher seemed completely natural, particularly at the part about electrodes and how they work. I liked how Charon was able to work in the species pun and then see it as a pun without anyone around her being none the wiser. (Or, at least, I'm reading it as if she's perfectly conscious of the fact that she's actually making subtle jokes, but it could also be that she literally just can't help it. Wasn't too sure about which interpretation to take here. One implies she's a pretty clever character; the other implies she's a crazy fan.)

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I was personally going for the second one. Charon notices that the teacher says these things, and is shocked by it. The point of the story is that none of them will actually understand what's going on in the other persons' head, but the conversation will carry on smoothly regardless.

A few notes on the side of concrit, though:

1. That first line feels like it could be separated into a few more sentences. Namely, that list of actions right after "said Charon" feels like it's a bit wordy, so you could perhaps try to cut it off after "Charon" and work the rest into one or two sentences about her going to class. Remember, the main idea of the sentence with the quote is to capture what Charon says and how she says it. Maybe even what she does at the exact moment she's speaking. If you run into things she does well after she's done talking (like putting away her DS and running to class), you might as well put that in a different sentence to separate one idea from another. You might even get away with splitting it up into multiple sentences: one about what she does with her DS and another about her running to class. This last idea is optional, however.

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I'll take that into account.

2. I can't help but wonder why her name is Charon. From what I can tell, this is set in real life, with ordinary people and naming conventions. (For example, while you might have a Galactic admin named Charon, that's only because the creators were being punny on a meta level, not that anyone hated their child enough to name him that.) The reason why I ask is because it seems a little on the jarring side because Charon is the name of the ferryman for the dead. It's a lot like naming your kid Death.

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Honestly, I don't put that much thought into these names. I chose Charon because it sounded gender-neutral and because I keep pronouncing it between Sharon and Karen.

3. Going to verify Mizan's comment about elementary particles in a syllabus. (Although, yeah, the photon is sometimes covered in high school physics.) However, there's something about the syllabus that struck me as more unusual than how advanced the material was: the content itself. This physics teacher went from explaining pretty basic stuff about circuits and electricity to somewhat advanced stuff about magnetism. Not only that, but he covered this in a pretty short period, too. As in, he doesn't go in depth about electricity (even though it's clear that his students don't really know that much about them, given Charon's need to note down that the term is "current" and not "shock"), and immediately after the joke about Electrodes being "shocking" was done, he moved on to what's practically a completely different subject with very little transitioning between the two concepts. Usually, a teacher would not only focus on one concept for one period but also try to spend a lot more than a couple of minutes on it to make sure everyone's got it. Maybe even give students the opportunity to ask questions about the lesson before/if he moves on to another one. Otherwise, there's no point in trying to teach the idea at all because he'd just be going way too fast for his class.

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The advanced stuff about magnetism, as I probably would have explained it, was just the teacher's idea of showing how far the topic of electromagnetism could go. Of course, he's wrong about it too, but that's for the purposes of the joke. ^_^

That and it just felt that you were focusing too much on the punchline and having the jokes at all than actually working up to the joke. Like I said, it seemed as if the teacher transitioned right when the Electrode puns were over. So, it felt a little on the awkward side.

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Yeah, I guess I just wanted to squish it in there. Just having Electrodes and electrodes being confused wouldn't be any fun, you know? XD

I also wrote this fic as an example of a story where capitalization of Pokémon names does matter. That was actually the primary focus when I got the idea for this fic.

But don't get me wrong. Like I said, it was very cute and a pretty enjoyable read. It's just that the transitioning felt a little awkward, and there were a couple of details that tripped up anal-retentive me.

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It's fine. I've got to make it smooth for anal retentive people too, you know.

Dragonite Ernston said:

I don't know where that pun came from, so your joke has not gone to waste.

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Know your meme. ;) /stealth pun

Honestly, I don't put that much thought into these names. I chose Charon because it sounded gender-neutral and because I keep pronouncing it between Sharon and Karen.

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Yeah, sometimes, a name is a good thing to think about as well. You know that old fantasy cliché that power lies in a name? They're not that far off. On a real-world level, names say a lot about a person: the culture they came from, the personalities of their parents, even sometimes what they think of themselves if they choose to go by a nickname. When it comes to writing, it takes on other levels of meaning. These levels can be anything from an author's own creativity (or lack thereof) to how well-developed the character in question is. For example, look at the name Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. (Sadly, this is not a name I made up myself.) What conclusions can you draw just from looking at the name and never actually reading the fic? You've probably got a few ideas about the author, right? A reader will look at the names of your characters and draw similar conclusions. Sure, it's judging a book by its cover, but fic readers tend to do that a lot in general because sometimes, it's a single detail that turns a character from a well-developed, interesting cast member to a target of scrutiny.

Yeah, I guess I just wanted to squish it in there. Just having Electrodes and electrodes being confused wouldn't be any fun, you know? XD

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I can understand that. Maybe if you inserted a bit more time between the two, you can keep both jokes but make the transition a little smoother. There's two ways you can get that extra stretch of time. You can either draw the conversation out a little more or mention a time lapse (like Charon's attention wanders to something else, only to find that her teacher is suddenly talking about a different subject). Most of that comment, really, is basically on the transitions between the two, so it seemed like each topic was covered unusually briefly.

As a note, even if you're focusing on getting in a few jokes, it's a good idea to be careful about the set-up and delivery as well. Good comedy isn't basically just a handful of jokes surrounded by a lot of story. It's pretty much the other way around, with a story surrounded by a lot of jokes. What I mean is that rather than restrict yourself to only the amount of time you need to tell a joke, remember to build up to the joke and transition smoothly. Unless you're trying to go for the over-the-top absurd, the story part should be believable. As in, make it feel like a real class. This helps because the joke -- the absurd part of the story -- will stand out a bit more against a backdrop of normality.

JX Valentine said:

Yeah, sometimes, a name is a good thing to think about as well. You know that old fantasy cliché that power lies in a name? They're not that far off. On a real-world level, names say a lot about a person: the culture they came from, the personalities of their parents, even sometimes what they think of themselves if they choose to go by a nickname. When it comes to writing, it takes on other levels of meaning. These levels can be anything from an author's own creativity (or lack thereof) to how well-developed the character in question is. For example, look at the name Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. (Sadly, this is not a name I made up myself.) What conclusions can you draw just from looking at the name and never actually reading the fic? You've probably got a few ideas about the author, right? A reader will look at the names of your characters and draw similar conclusions. Sure, it's judging a book by its cover, but fic readers tend to do that a lot in general because sometimes, it's a single detail that turns a character from a well-developed, interesting cast member to a target of scrutiny.

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Unfortunately, I've seen that name too. But alright. Personally, I actually didn't know that Charon was the ferryman of the dead.

I can understand that. Maybe if you inserted a bit more time between the two, you can keep both jokes but make the transition a little smoother. There's two ways you can get that extra stretch of time. You can either draw the conversation out a little more or mention a time lapse (like Charon's attention wanders to something else, only to find that her teacher is suddenly talking about a different subject). Most of that comment, really, is basically on the transitions between the two, so it seemed like each topic was covered unusually briefly.

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Alright. I'll post a rewrite of this one-shot sometime, addressing these problems.

As a note, even if you're focusing on getting in a few jokes, it's a good idea to be careful about the set-up and delivery as well. Good comedy isn't basically just a handful of jokes surrounded by a lot of story. It's pretty much the other way around, with a story surrounded by a lot of jokes. What I mean is that rather than restrict yourself to only the amount of time you need to tell a joke, remember to build up to the joke and transition smoothly. Unless you're trying to go for the over-the-top absurd, the story part should be believable. As in, make it feel like a real class. This helps because the joke -- the absurd part of the story -- will stand out a bit more against a backdrop of normality.

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That's what I got right in the first part, right? The second part was just too sudden?