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Apocalypse #1: The Beginning

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darkpokeball

Beware the Chainsaw Meowth 0.o
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  • Apocalypse
    The Beginning


    Introduction:
    Spoiler:

    Current Chapters:
    Spoiler:

    Summary:
    Spoiler:

    Chapter One: When It Started
    -
    Nicholas, a young teenager with a good heart but a strange secret, scribbled a few more lines onto his drawing. It was his dream to become an artist after all. The drawing was that of his friend's pet cat, Leslie. He portrayed Leslie's careless personality perfectly, each detail screaming a fact about what most would interpret as a simple kitten. In a few quick seconds, his signature was where a white void used to be in the bottom-right of the page of his sketch-book. He then scanned the picture and e-mailed it to Cassidy, the owner. Cassidy was a blonde-haired girl with sapphire blue eyes that was seemingly careless, but when something she was close to was lost, her personality would crumple away if only for a second, exposing a new emotional, tear-stained Cassidy. Which was how she was now, as she pasted the picture into a Word Processor and wrote near the bottom of it:
    L O S T:
    My kitten, Leslie.
    Please return her to 4019 Ghaiebah, FW(Forwen.)

    She continued describing her pet, and the reward money, while Nicholas began another doodle on the next page of the pad. It was that of himself, in a cartoonish format. It took him a full hour before he finally finished the amazing drawing that wasn't so cartoonish in the end. Drawing was his hobby, and he flipped the page before starting another. Of course, it didn't occur to him that the next day he was going to return to school and he forgot to do his Math homework. Of course, when tommorow came, it really wasn't going to be needed. Tommorow was the day that everything would change. Tommorow was the day the end would begin. Tommorow was also the final day that Nicholas would ever see his little sister again, and the worst part about that was a few minutes ago, Nicholas had yelled at her harshly and locked her in the basement to teach her a lesson. Of course, at the moment, Nicholas was blinded with rage from what she had done. Little did Nicholas know how wonderful being locked in the basement would be tommorow.

    Peg was rather bored now.
    "Stupid Nicholas, I was just having a little fun..." she mumbled under her breath. Of course, she was talking to herself. She was the only one here, in this drab and smelly basement. What a night for her parents to be on date night. She sat on the concrete floor that wooden steps led to. To get to the steps, you had to go through the warped wooden door, with white paint peeling off of it. On the stairs, there were wooden rails on either side, and holes between each plank that was called a step. It was poorly made, but her family had learned to live with it. Of course, the door leading to the steps was locked, putting her in pitch darkness. FInally, a sliver of light fell in. Peg looked up and saw her brother frowning down at her.

    "You can come back now." he said, with a sigh. Little did she know, he intended to let her out a long time ago before he was so wrapped up in his drawing that he forgot that he locked Peg in the basement in the first place. Peg spat on the ground and glared at him. She tried to look fierce, but it was kind of...pathetic. Nicholas rolled his eyes, and placing a doorstop to keep the door from closing again, he walked away. A few moments later, Peg was darting up the steps...until she slipped. She fell backwards, her head hitting first, then her legs came up and went over her head. She cried a bit, in much pain, before blacking out due to the speed her head hit the ground at. Speaking of her head, the back of it now had a little drop of blood on it...

    Nicholas's parents were back. They sent NIcholas to bed, assuming that Peg was already sleeping. Nicholas assumed she got out of the basement, so with haste, he removed the doorstop and climbed up the stairs. In the darkness of the basement, he hadn't seen Peg, who was still unconscious. He assumed she was asleep too. Soon, he drifted off into sleep himself, still not remembering his math homework. Meanwhile, Peg was still locked in the basement, with no food, no water, no entertainment, and no happiness. However, compared to what would happen the next day, that was marvelous.

    Cassie had posted the "Lost Cat" posters all over, looking for Leslie herself at points. However, the poor kitten was nowhere to be found. Cassidy was worried about Leslie, but was determined that somebody would return Leslie tommorow. Well, Leslie did return...sort of. Leslie was actually part of the start that would make tommorow horrid. And as for that day, if Cassie knew what had happened to her cat, she would've been glad that it was missing.
    --
    THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE CHAPTER.
     

    bobandbill

    one more time
    16,932
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  • I'm sorry, but only finished chapters can be posted:
    Do not post unfinished work.
    If your chapter is not finished, then there is no need to post it. Use a word processing program to type your fic in so you can have all the time to work on it. An unfinished chapter/story will result in a closed thread.
    Going to close this seeing this is the second time I've told you this. Hence I strongly advise for you to don't type up your story in the reply box as it'll likely result in lower quality, and typing it up in the reply box isn't anything to boast about either. Take the time to write it and save your work in a program (you don't need Word if you don't have it - there's Wordpad, OpenOffice which is free to download, and so forth) as well as proofread and edit it.

    I might add more to this post soonish... but as a beside, your Bleeding Moon fic got two reviews so I'm unsure why you say you have been never reviewed. =/

    Certainly the story could do with some edits, I feel - for instance with the opening paragraph:
    He portrayed Leslie's careless personality perfectly, each detail screaming a fact about what most would interpret as a simple kitten.
    This sentence was rather confusing to me - it implies that each detail in the personality or picture screams facts or kittens, in all honesty when first reading it and I'm still unsure what exactly you are trying to say after rereading it. It's too confusing and too elaborate in my opinion, and could use some rewording.
    Tommorow was also the final day that Nicholas would ever see his little sister again, and the worst part about that was a few minutes ago, Nicholas had yelled at her harshly and locked her in the basement to teach her a lesson.
    This seems a bit questionable as well for a boy to just go and lock someone in the cupboard like that, personally, along, as well as the parents to not check up on their daughter (btw, what had they been back from? such details were not made clear at the start of the scene so it came as a surprise for them to come back), and with Nick not noticing or hearing her fall either felt unrealistic to me. It certainly makes for an interesting situation, but it could be better carried, imo. Also, Tomorrow.
    They sent NIcholas to bed, assuming that Peg was already sleeping.
    Then there's minor errors like that as well that a word processor's spell and grammar checker would pick.


    Overall you have the beginnings of an interesting concept, but it needs a fair bit of tidying up and some editing as the mistakes and somewhat rushed events distract from the story itself.
     
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