Asty's covered grammar pretty well, but all I have to say is switch to Microsoft Word, Open Office, something better than Wordpad. That way, it's easier to do things like spell check if you need to.
You also really,
really need to put spaces between your punctuation marks. Most marks, like the period and comma, actually need spaces after them to separate one word from another. (Yes, you are technically merging words together if you don't put a space between the mark and the next word.) I'd hate to be blunt, but I know this is something that the author has to do themselves. Wordpad has a lot of quirks when it comes to copying and pasting, but removing spaces between words isn't one of them. Additionally, again, I'd hate to be blunt, but it's extremely difficult for me to read writing that isn't spaced properly. That includes responses.
With that said...
Keep in mind I am 11 years old and still have trouble with things like that.
Please don't bring up your age. It's actually a pet peeve of mine, especially since some of our best writers (such as Citrinin and Giratina) were only thirteen when they started posting their fic. This is actually more encouragement than criticism, but don't think that you can't do something because you're only eleven. You can; it's just that you need to be taught how, which we'll cover.
The only person I know who could proof read it for me and stuff is a little lazy
Get a better beta reader. If you can't find someone there, ask around the forum to find someone who isn't lazy. There's a lot of people who would be willing to help you.
I don't mean to use "text talk" but its a force of habit.
Tip: Break yourself from this habit. On forum posts and in chatrooms, don't use text talk. Instead, write things out normally. Yes, this takes a little more time, but it'll improve your vocabulary and grammatical skills greatly.
I've tried every way to explain why they chose a 9 year old girl instide of someone else.I decided when they broke into the teacher's house,the teacher herself wasn't there.Nobody was.
You didn't actually mention this within the story, however, and it still doesn't quite make sense to me. Why didn't they simply come back or stalk the teacher? They've just learned that it's easy to break into that house when it should have been the most guarded (because normally, people put up alarms whenever they're away to avoid being robbed while they're not even around to defend their homes). So, they could have easily had someone figure out when she
would be home (by watching her) and grabbed her then. Alternatively, since they're already inside, they could have waited and grabbed her as soon as she walked in the door.
With kidnapping a nine-year-old, they're kidnapping someone who isn't even an expert in the subject. Sure, she's the highest scoring student, but that doesn't mean she knows
everything. Considering she's nine, this could mean she's good at easier exercises. (For example, the math you'd teach to a nine-year-old is usually simpler than the math a nineteen-year-old would learn.) So, she might be able to translate things like "My name is Aleka," but Team Galactic has no way of knowing whether or not she can translate long, complicated passages. They have better chances with the teacher or someone who's actually more of an expert in the field (like a college professor or an ancient linguist).
If you read my reply to Narciss I explained about the proof reading.
Yes, get a better beta.
Also about the kiddnaping,if what I said doen't help,do you have any idea's on how that could happen?
With all character actions, you'll need to think hard about what the characters would do. In order to do this, you'll need to know the characters themselves -- what they're like, how they think, that sort of thing. In other words, for canon characters (the ones in the show, games, et cetera), you'll need to look things up and refresh your memory about them. Pay attention to what they do and how they act towards other characters. With original characters (characters you create yourself), you'll need to think hard about what their personalities are like and what their routines and habits are. Once you've got a good idea how characters act, figuring out what they'll do inside your story shouldn't be too difficult.
With that being said, Team Galactic is extremely organized when it comes to their evil plans and whatnot. They would have had things planned carefully so that they can grab what they need with as little fuss and commotion as possible. While they might use distractions, they probably wouldn't want people to connect disturbances with them. So, they'd probably have someone watching the teacher, first off, to scout out important information so they don't end up breaking into her home whenever she's not there. Second, they'd send only enough people to get her -- no more and no less. There probably wouldn't need to be a distraction, depending on
how it's done. (She's only one person, after all. They could very well send a handful of people armed to the teeth with Pokémon and have just
that do the job. Alternatively, also remember that they're a rather high-tech and violent organization, so perhaps a solution is there.)
Keep asking yourself questions about your characters and plotlines, and you should be able to add more and more to your plot. If you can ask yourself a question about the plot itself (like "Why would they need a huge distraction?"), chances are, you've got a plot hole.
All the police were worried about the ones still inside,I forgot to mention that sorry.
Still doesn't explain how anyone managed to get out of the building in broad daylight. ._. Because it's city hall, chances are, police would work quickly to get that place well-guarded (to prevent
anyone from escaping through pretty much any exit without being checked).
As for your next part...
I'm not sure what you mean by the black flashes either. I've never seen any commercials with something like that, so I'm still in the dark, no pun intended. Point is, be very careful. If something is too vague, this will just confuse the reader, not prompt them to figure it out themselves.
Do not do things like this. You can do it in normal posts because it's understood that you're the one doing the action, but in writing, you have to write out the full sentence. Instead of something like this, write, "Mars quoted from the letter."
Also, remember that once you choose a tense (past tense, present, whatever), you'll want to stick with that same tense. For example, you use past tense in some sentences (like when you say "Mars said"), but in others, you use present (like when you say "Mranda and Lewis start fighting"). It's neater and makes the timeline clearer to the reader if you just remember to read over your work and stick to one tense or the other.
And yes, even if you think you're terrible at grammar, you've got to read over your work yourself before you even send it to your beta reader. The reason why is because you can fix some of the simpler mistakes right off the bat. For example, if you knew that you're supposed to add quotation marks, reading over your work yourself (a few hours after you finish writing a chapter) can help you fix things like that.
Also, don't do this. Combining words with a slash just makes it look like you were indecisive about how things went. Not only that, but "quietly" and "yellingly" are complete opposites, so this ends up confusing the reader as well.
Overall, here's a tip: put your work on pause and read a
lot. Pick up a bunch of books, a bunch of fics, anything you can get your hands on. Look at how they do things, how they describe actions and treat characters. Someone else's writing can be a valuable learning tool for you, and it seems like you're the kind of person who would find it easier if you had a few good examples to help you figure things out.
