[Pokémon] Kanto Region Adventure

Chapter 1: The Trip
Vermilion City - Pallet Town, June 14

"Dain, don't forget your tent. You too, Jasmine. The ferry leaves in ten minutes!" said Mrs. Maximilian. Dain and Jasmine -his sister- were packing to go camping at Pallet Town for Dain's graduation celebration. Dain packed everything he would need for his journey that he had.
"Do we have to go?" Jasmine wailed.
"Yes," Mr. Maximilian said "unless you want us to miss your graduation ceremony."
6 hours and 10 minutes later
"Look at those Lapras's leaping out of the water!" Dain exclaimed, "They're amazing!!"
"Psh, that's nothing. If you lived on Cinnabar, you'd see them all the time." A snooty looking girl, apparently from Cinnabar, scoffed. "Come along Adrian, let's see if they have any decent food on this miserable excuse for a ship." The girl tossed over her shoulder as she and another boy walked away.
"Well, that was nice." Pete said sarcastically.
"Ignore them." Sara soothed, leaning over the railing on the side of the boat. "All Cinnabar Island kids think they're so great, that is, until they all get beaten in Pokémon battles. Money can't buy skill!" Suddenly, a loud, high-pitched squeal came from one of the cabins.
"That sounds like Jasmine." Dain said. "I wonder why she's squealing?" When Dain walked into the cabin, Dain saw Jasmine petting a hyperactive, bouncing Growlithe. Dain walked in last, missing a Charizard soaring in the sky, not far off.
"He's soooooooooo cute!!!"Jasmine said with a squeal to Mikey, who was sitting next to her.
"Jasmine, we're almost at Pal-" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The loud horn blared so everyone could hear
"Pallet Town!" the ship operator called.They gathered all of their stuff and got off the S.S. Star.

Wow bro, that chapter's pretty short. You should work on that. I mean, you don't need a whole novel to serve as a chapter, particularly the first one (which is traditionally exposition), but it'd be better to have more meat in it, alright? Also, this story reeeaally stretched out the page.

Dain and Jasmine -his sister- were packing to go camping at Pallet Town for Dain's graduation celebration. Dain packed everything he would need for his journey that he had.

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Very unique name there, "Dain." Two comments here though: you could've integrated the fact that Jasmine's his sister into the sentence, i.e. "Dain and his sister, Jasmine, ..." or "Dain and Jasmine, his sister, ..." or even "Jasmine and her brother Dain..." Secondly, the second sentence could've been expressed just as easily in dialogue, I think.

"Look at those Lapras's leaping out of the water!" Dain exclaimed, "They're amazing!!"

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When it comes to Pokemon plurals, you gotta think about this: Goomy, Goomies, or Goomys. Also, after "Dain exclaimed", it would be a period instead of a comma, as the sentence comes to a full stop.

On that note, there are a lot of times in the chapter that you use the opposite: a period instead of a comma. If the little dialogue is followed by some form of speech, i.e. "he said/scoffed/scowled/shouted etc.", then you use a comma; otherwise, it'd be a period.

"He's soooooooooo cute!!!"Jasmine said with a squeal to Mikey, who was sitting next to her.

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I understand that Jasmine's hyped up and totally excited, I really do, but that "so" didn't have to be so biiiiig.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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That too.

Hey! So, Aisu already pointed out ways you can fix the dialogue (puncutation wise as well as toning down some of the dramatics). I also agree this is a pretty short chapter. While nothing wrong with having dialogue, I do think there are oppurtunties where you can add more description. For instance, the first scene you can describe everyone rushing to leave for the graduation. For the second scene you can describe Dain and the others looking at the sea during the ship ride. I also think to make the chapter longer you can add another scene or two where everyone is settling in Pallet Town and getting their things ready. Then after that, plot happens.

While I don't know what kind of plot you're going for, you want to try your best in making your first chapter hook your readers. What you have so far while kinda sweet everyone will be celebrating Dain's graduation, I'm left wondering what will keep me coming back to this story. Perhaps someone gets kidnapped/killed shortly after they arrived Kanto? They stumbled upon a legendary Pokemon? They discovered an artifact? Again, I don't know which direction you're going, and if you're unsure yourself these suggestions I gave are examples of ways you can end the first chapter and get the plot kicking.

Opps, I rambled off a bit haha. I apologize if this is overwhelming. I highly recommend trying your best in expanding Chapter One first before writing Chapter Two. I wish you luck, and hope this helps along with Aisu's comments.