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Challenge 7: Don't Drop That Dedenne

Aquacorde

⟡ dig down, dig down ⟡
12,511
Posts
19
Years
  • ok i'm here to finish the story, so don't post until you see it pop up. we'll probably have about 4 hours to edit and review

    i actualy have a lot written lol its probabyl not seamless and probably is goig in a diff direction but idk if you wnat it here
    Spoiler:
     

    Wobbu

    bunger bunger bunger bunger
    2,794
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • DON'T DROP THAT DEDENNE



    Written by


    Anna
    Christos
    Forever
    Guildmaster Wigglytuff
    Leijon
    Marisa
    Nakuzami
    Olli
    Wobbu​


    NAKUZAMI (NARRATOR)
    The island kingdom of Antemor was once full of roaming Dedenne, who lived peacefully and cooperatively with people. One day, however, a corrupt ambassador, named Leijon, was banned from another nearby island kingdom, Sombreria, because she was caught embezzling from the kingdom's treasury. As she traveled the seas in exile, she spent her time devising plots and scenarios for regaining the fortunes and spoils from her illicit activities. She eventually came across the marshy kingdom of Lily Valley, home to hordes of Lotad and Lombre, who are all ruled by a Ludicolo, named Marisa. Akin to Leijon, Marisa had dreams of becoming wealthy. Together, the two planned to gain their fortunes by conquering the nearby kingdom of Antemor and exploiting all of its resources, including the Dedenne. Marisa gathered all of her Lotad and Lombre citizens and formed an army with them. They all sailed to Antemor and managed to conquer much of the land and capture many of the Dedenne. Only a small portion of land, the capital (home of the monarchy and the Warrior's Guild), remained out of Leijon's rule. One of the remaining Dedenne belonged to a young Wobbuffet, named Wobbu, a person living in the capital who will do everything he can to keep his Dedenne safe and restore his home kingdom back to a time of peace and cooperation.

    WOBBU'S HOME - DAY

    WOBBU stares outside the window, observing how distraught and empty Antemor has become. He thinks to himself about the state of his home kingdom and wishes that he could live life the way he did before the kingdom was enveloped in chaos.

    WOBBU
    My home... It used to be a place of progress and solace, but now not even my Dedenne can be at ease. The military thinks that Leijon doesn't stand a chance against our city's defenses, but I know they're wrong. It's only a matter of time before the capital is seized and we lose our last form of defense. There must be a way I can help.

    Wobbu glances at his Dedenne, who is taking a nap.

    WOBBU
    I remember hearing tales from my parents about my ancestors using enchantments and the arcane forces to vanquish all of their problems. Those tales are so old and nobody has witnessed that magic for over six hundred years, but it's Antemor's last hope if and when our capital falls. Perhaps I can browse through the old family archives and see if there's any record of how my ancestors earned their abilities.

    Wobbu descends into the basement of his home, where shelves are aligned with books and manuscripts. He looks for titles with key words such as: magic, arcane, enchanting, sorcery, and prestidigitation. But to no avail, he can't find anything about the source of the magic. Suddenly, he hears a rush of wind coming from upstairs. Wobbu quickly ascends back to the main floor of his house and sees that Dedenne is missing. He begins to panic and thinks to himself.

    WOBBU descends into the basement, which is filled with old books and files.

    WOBBU
    Magic... enchanting... sorcery... prestidigitation... ? How can there be nothing here?! I'm seeing nothing about the source of these powers, only how to use them.

    A howling wind comes from upstairs. Wobbu is startled and runs to find the cause. He sees Dedenne is missing.


    WOBBU
    Where is Dedenne? Could he have been taken by a Lotad or Lombre? What do I do now? What is happening? Has the capitol fallen? Am I no longer safe in my home?

    Wobbu's fear begins to grow as he thinks the capital has been conquered. Another rush of wind is heard, but this time it came from the top level of the home. Wobbu sprints up the staircase and sees a faint, purple haze. In the haze lies a faded silhouette, enough to see that it's in the shape of a dog, but no other details. The haze persists.

    NARRATOR
    As Wobbu fears the worst, the wind begins to howl one more, beginning to sound more akin to a dog Pokémon than wind.

    [wind howling]

    NARRATOR
    He sprints to the top level of his house, following the cacophany, and finds himself confronted with a faint purple haze. He can barely make out the silhouette of what may be a dog Pokémon in the midst of the haze.

    WOBBU
    Who are you?! What are you doing in my house?!

    [wind stops howling]


    HAZE
    Welcome, Wobbu. Or should it be you welcoming me, since this is indeed your house? I'm here because I put you through a test. I have taken your Dedenne to see your reaction, and I have gathered, through your fears, that you possess a strong bond with it and your kingdom.

    Wobbu's panic dissolves into a sliver of nervousness. Wobbu begins to speak but stops himself and fidgets nervously.

    HAZE
    I am Forever, the Herdier, the goddess of magic, and the one who oversees the archipelago that makes up Antemor and the surrounding kingdoms.

    Wobbu doesn't know whether to be frightened or hopeful.
    Wobbu's expression is a bizarre mixture of fear and hope.

    FOREVER
    I prefer to leave situations in my domain untouched since you mortals abused my gifts six hundred years ago, but you may be the one who rekindles my sense of hope. Antemor is in danger, as are the other islands. If Leijon can't be stopped now, she may take over the whole world. As a means of giving you aid, I have enchanted your Dedenne with a powerful magic. However, since I must not be partial to one side, Leijon will soon know about your powerful acquisition. The first person to hold Dedenne becomes the Holder. The Holder has the ability to paralyze only one person on this world just by the thought of it. Dedenne cannot be taken from the Holder unless the Holder loses grip of Dedenne. If Dedenne is held by a new Holder, the new Holder has the power to move the paralysis effect to someone else. I have also put Dedenne into a state of permanent slumber. At any time, the Holder can request Dedenne to awaken, but at the cost of permanently losing the enchantment.

    Wobbu tries to speak, but Forever vanishes before he can say anything. Dedenne is still missing. He returns to the main floor, only to see Dedenne sleeping in the same spot it was at before it disappeared.

    Wobbu tries to speak once more, but Forever disappears before he can. He slowly makes his way to the main floor, where he finds Dedenne sleeping where it had been before the incident.

    WOBBU
    Did that really just happen? Is Dedenne actually enchanted? Perhaps all hope is not lost!

    Wobbu proceeds to pick up Dedenne. Wobbu goes to pick up Dedenne, but hesitates.

    WOBBU
    I have to be really careful about this. I must not drop Dedenne under any circumstances. My first thought must be about paralyzing Leijon.

    Wobbu picks Dedenne up. Before he can even think about paralyzing Leijon, he feels a strange numbing in his arms and he can't move them. The numbing soon fades, along with the lack of movement, and Wobbu assumes it to be part of the enchantment. He then thinks about paralyzing Leijon.

    NARRATOR
    As Wobbu picks up Dedenne, he feels his arms go numb. Miraculously, he does not drop the Dedenne, and the numbing fades as he concentrates on paralyzing Leijon.


    WOBBU
    Hopefully everything is happening the way it should be. But wait! Leijon has spies everywhere. Forever said Leijon would soon find out! Surely she knows what has happened by now. I must find a safe place for myself and Dedenne while I figure out how I can liberate Antemor!

    Wobbu's next thought was that Leijon should know about Dedenne by now. He thinks of somewhere safe to hide while he can plan a way to liberate Antemor.

    WOBBU
    Maybe I can hide in the capital building, that's where the highest security is.

    Wobbu carefully leaves his house with Dedenne and travels a few blocks to the capital building.

    CAPITAL BUILDING EXT. - DAY

    Wobbu tries to explain to the guards that he needs their protection, but they don't comply. Wobbu tries to enter the capitol, but is stopped by some guards.

    GUARD 1
    Sir, this area is off-limits to the public.


    WOBBU
    Please, I need to stay somewhere safe! Leijon will likely be sending someone here soon because she knows I have something that she wants.

    GUARD 1
    I'm sorry but we can't just provide someone our city's best protection without official documentation and allowance from the king. These are serious matters that you're talking about and we don't appreciate you taking light of the situation.

    WOBBU
    Sir, I'm being honest! She wants the Dedenne, it's the only thing that will prevent her from taking over the city! My Dedenne has been enchanted by Forever and it can't fall under the wrong hands!

    GUARD 2
    What makes you think we would believe something as outlandish as that? You realize that nobody has seen Forever in six hundred years? Magic is a thing of the past. We've been stripped of that privilege long ago and we will never get it back. Now leave, or else we'll have to force you out of here.

    Wobbu leaves with a tint of frustration. He heads back to his home while still holding Dedenne. WOBBU's frustration is clear, but he turns toward home, still clutching Dedenne.

    WOBBU'S HOME - DAY

    Wobbu enters his home and closes the door. Suddenly he's slammed onto the ground and loses hold of Dedenne. The impact blurred his vision; the only thing he can make clear of is a sombrero on a strange figure. His vision returns and he sees a Ludicolo holding the Dedenne.

    LUDICOLO
    Dedenne is mine now. With it, I will return to Leijon and give her the power that lies in Dedenne's enchantment. Nobody will stop us!

    Wobbu stands back up.

    LUDICOLO
    I'm Marisa, Leijon's primary commander. I've been sent to retrieve Dedenne from your pathetic grip, and my mission was a success. If you don't mind, I'll be leaving now!

    Marisa bolts out of the house and through the busy city streets. Wobbu chases after her.

    CITY STREETS - DAY

    The chase continues, but Wobbu loses distance as the chase leads into busier streets. Eventually Marisa is lost in the crowd and Wobbu gives up. He begins to sob from frustration and exhaustion.

    WOBBU
    What will I do know? There's no telling who Marisa will paralyze. I need to warn the king!

    CITY HALL EXT. - DAY

    Wobbu walks up to the guards again but receives the same fate as his last encounter. They brush him off and ensure him that the king will be safe. They also said they will begin an investigation on the kidnapping of his Dedenne. Wobbu heads home.

    WOBBU'S HOME - EVENING

    WOBBU
    Now what? I have no chance of getting Dedenne back from Leijon. It's hopeless; Antemor will be under the reign of Leijon within a matter of days...

    Wobbu struggles to fall asleep, but eventually manages to and has a strange dream. In the dream, he sees the city's Warrior Guild and a Spheal, and nothing else - not even the rest of the city - just a foggy backdrop.

    WOBBU'S HOME - MORNING

    Wobbu wakes up with a plan. He intends to go to the Warrior's Guild and ask for their assistance. The members of guild have pledged to help out all of those in need, and Wobbu is certainly in need of help. Wobbu leaves home and heads to the guild.

    WARRIOR'S GUILD - MORNING

    Wobbu enters the guild and is greeted by a Jigglypuff.

    JIGGLYPUFF
    Hello there, welcome to the Warrior's Guild! What can I do for you?

    WOBBU
    Help! Someone has stolen my Dedenne!

    Wobbu thinks it's best to leave out the enchantment part.

    JIGGLYPUFF
    That's terrible! Fortunately, we have our best men available. I'll talk to the guildmaster and get his approval.

    Jigglypuff walks into a room. A few minutes later, Jigglypuff walks out of the room with a Wigglytuff.

    WIGGLYTUFF
    Hello there, I'm Guildmaster Wigglytuff. It's been a while since my men have had to deal with any problems, so they're all itching to help. I'll take you to my strongest member and you can tell him your issue.

    Wobbu and Guildmaster Wigglytuff walk into a training room. In the room is a Spheal testing out weapons on practice dummies. Guildmaster Wigglytuff closes the door and locks it.

    GUILDMASTER WIGGLYTUFF
    Listen, I know exactly what's going on. I saw Marisa steal your Dedenne. Marisa is the captain of Leijon's army and her best fighter. Something big must be going on if she sent Marisa herself. The two are hiding out in a nearby abandoned tower. Our reconnaissance tells us that the two plan to take over the city soon, and we've been preparing for the worst. I sent a couple of my men to warn the king a few hours ago. They should be back any time soon.

    A loud pounding comes from the locked door. Guildmaster Wigglytuff unlocks the door and opens it. A Pidgey and Marill stand in the doorway.

    PIDGEY
    Master, the king has been paralyzed!

    MARILL
    Without his guidance and strategies, we have no way of defending our city from Leijon! What shall we do?

    GUILDMASTER WIGGLYTUFF
    I need you two to head to their hideout and find out when they plan on attacking. Be careful, though. We don't want anything happening to you two.

    PIDGEY
    What about Christos? Wouldn't he be a better choice?

    GUILDMASTER WIGGLYTUFF
    No, we need him here just in case the attack starts sooner than what we can anticipate.

    Pidgey and Marill leave the guild and head for the tower. Wobbu is trying to grasp the current situation. He realizes that Leijon had paralyzed the king, but he knows nothing about the guild's plans. Spheal approaches Guildmaster Wigglytuff.

    SPHEAL
    Master, I'm not going to sit around while Leijon builds up her army. We have plenty of capable men in the guild right now who can hold off Leijon's offense. I'm going to the castle, too.

    GUILDMASTER WIGGLYTUFF
    Don't be rash, Christos! You don't even know much about the castle. Anna and Olli have spent the past few weeks scoping the place out. By now they've learned the ins and outs of that building.

    Wobbu pieces together that Spheal is named Christos, Pidgey is named Olli, and Marill is named Anna.

    CHRISTOS
    But those two are weak! They have little fighting experience and they will easily fall prey to Leijon's army! How can you-

    GUILMASTER WIGGLYTUFF
    Enough! Those two are the stealthiest members here and they'll be fine. I know what I'm doing and I would not have sent them if I knew they weren't capable. You've done enough work for today, it's time you went home.

    Chistos leaves the guild. Guildmaster Wigglytuff turns to Wobbu.

    GUILDMASTER WIGGLYTUFF
    I'm sorry you had to stand through all of this. We will do our best to get your Dedenne back, but for now our priorities lie on protecting the city. Why is it that Marisa herself stole it?

    WOBBU
    I honestly don't know.

    Wobbu keeps the enchantment a secret. He leaves the guild.

    WARRIOR'S GUILD EXT. - DAY

    Wobbu sees Christos mumbling to himself. Christos evetually storms off towards the outskirts of the city.

    WOBBU
    Where are you going?

    CHRISTOS
    I'm going to the tower, now leave me alone.

    WOBBU
    I'm going with you. There's more to that Dedenne than meets the eye and I want to help save our kingdom from Leijon!

    CHRISTOS
    Do you have any fighting skills?

    WOBBU
    No, but...

    CHRISTOS
    Just don't get yourself hurt. We, as guild members, pledge to never turn down requests for assistance. Even though you're not much of a fighter, you'll have me by your side, which makes you one of the toughest people in this kingdom. You'll need some equipment, first.

    Wobbu feels ecstatic on the inside but tries to hide it on the outside to avoid looking weak. They go to Christos's home and gather some armor. Wobbu equips them. The two head for the castle.

    CITY OUTSKIRTS - DAY

    WOBBU
    Do you know where we are going?

    CHRISTOS
    We're heading straight north, to that tall tower in the distance.

    A tall, black figure looms in the distance. Lotad and Lombre regularly patrol the area surrounding the tower, but nobody bats an eye because the tower has been abandoned for over three hundred and fifty years and the Lotad and Lombre leave travelers alone. As far as the eye can see are a few small battles being fought between Leijon's army and what remains of Antemor's military. If it wasn't for Antemor's higher technology, Leijon's army would have easily overpowered that army with their overwhelming amount of troops.

    ANTEMOR BADLANDS - EVENING

    Wobbu and Christos draw closer to the tower. There are significantly more Lotad and Lombre on patrol, but they are still minding their own business. Wobbu and Christos decide to set up a camp for the night. While they make their camp, three more members of the Warrior's Guild appear.

    GUILD MEMBER
    Hey, Christos! We saw you leave for the castle earlier today and we knew what you were up to. We all want to help! There should be a couple more members coming later. Our enemy won't be easy to defeat and we will need all the help we can get.

    Christos is happy to gain reinforcements but at the same time wanted to do things on his own.

    ANTEMOR BADLANDS - NIGHT

    Everyone but Christos and another guild member are sleeping. The two are awaiting the arrival of the other two guild members as they sit near a fire. Suddenly, Anna and Olli appear.

    CHRISTOS
    These are the two members who we've been waiting for? Why didn't you ask the stronger members?

    GUILD MEMBER
    I didn't tell them. They weren't even at the guild earlier. I'm not even sure how they knew about this. We didn't tell Guilmaster Wigglytuff or any other members about our plan. Hey, Anna and Olli, what are you guys doing here? How did your reconnaissance mission go?

    There was no reply. As Anna and Olli walked closes to the fire, there was enough light to see that their eyes were pure white. Their pupils were gone.

    CHRISTOS
    Whoah, what's going on with you two?

    There was no reply.

    GUILD MEMBER
    Is everything alright?

    Still no reply. Suddenly, Anna and Olli started to attack. The noise woke up Wobbu and the other two guild members. The two guild members sprung into battle immediately, aiding Christos and the other guild member. Wobbu nervously watched and thought to himself.

    WOBBU
    I can't just stand here, I have to help!

    Wobbu joined the fight. Being a Wobbuffet, he could only effectively counter. His offensive skills were not great. Fortunately the guild members were able to defeat Anna and Olli. The two flee towards the tower. The other two guild members finally arrive. Everyone stakes out the nearby land in search for other enemies, but the coast is clear. Everyone but Wobbu and Christos go to sleep.

    WOBBU
    I guess Forever really does remain neutral.

    CHRISTOS
    What are you talking about?

    WOBBU
    The reason why Marisa stole my Dedenne is because it was enchanted by Forever. Whoever holds the Dedenne has the power to paralyze one person of their choice for as long as they hold Dedenne. That's why the king is paralyzed.

    CHRISTOS
    That's unbelievable. Meeting Forever is a rare occurrence, especially in today's world. We must make sure to retrieve that Dedenne before it falls into other wrong hands.

    WOBBU
    Don't worry too much about Dedenne. After we defeat Leijon, I'm going to request Forever to disenchant Dedenne.

    The two go to sleep.

    ANTEMOR BADLANDS - MORNING

    Everybody wakes up, feeling refreshed and ready to fight. The castle is much more visible now. A storm dramatically approaches from the north, directly above the tower. As the heroes get closer and closer to the tower, the Lotad and Lombre attack. The mobs are small, though, so defeating them is no challenge for the heroes. They eventually reach the tower.

    TOWER EXT. - DAY

    The eye of the storm hangs directly above. The rain gives Leijon's army an advantage by doubling their speed and restoring their health. A large group of Lombre stand in front of the tower doors, larger than any group that the heroes have encountered so far. The Lombre attack. The result of the battle injured two members of the guild, but everyone is still capable of fighting. With nobody guarding the door, the heroes make their way into the tower.

    TOWER INT. - DAY

    The tower is strangely empty. Nothing but a stone spiral staircase that leads to the roof. The heroes are suspicious. They carefully examine the staircase but find nothing wrong. They slowly work their way up the staircase. After climbing a few feet, a stone slab door falls on the entrance to the stairway, preventing the heroes from turning back. A flood of Lotad and Lombre run down the staircase, looking strangely weaker than the others. They fought as they appeared, giving easy victories to our heroes. The process continues until the heroes finally reach the roof.

    TOWER ROOF - NIGHT

    The rain is pouring harder. Thunder and lighting are present. Marisa and Leijon are seen standing on the other side, near the edge. Leijon is holding Dedenne. Marisa approaches the heroes.

    MARISA
    I see you've made it. Congratulations on getting this far. Too bad you won't go any further.

    She begins to dash towards the heroes, but spontaneously collapses.

    MARISA
    What is going on?

    She speaks with a hoarse voice.

    LEIJON
    You've done your work. Antemor will soon be conquered, our only foes will soon be slain, and I have a whole army of peons who will do whatever I want them to. You've served your purpose, now you're simply just getting in the way. Our two powers alone are not enough to defeat these fools, therefore I'm going to absorb your strength, just like I did with those Lotad and Lombre who failed to stop these pests from reaching the roof.

    MARISA
    Why? How could you do this? After everything I've done, you simply think of me as an obstacle?

    LEIJON
    Silence!

    Leijon absorbs all of Marisa's energy. Marisa lies on the ground, unconscious. Leijon's strength greatly increases and the heroes start to worry and grow fearful. Their next move is to attack. They all charge at her, but she knocks them all away with her arm. They try a few other approaches, but they all end in failure. Wobbu thinks of a plan, however.

    WOBBU
    We need to get her to drop that Dedenne. I'm going to run straight at her fist. When I get close enough, she should attempt to punch me. When that happens, I'll counter it and send her fist flying back to her, which will hopefully knock Dedenne out of her grasp.

    Wobbu executes his plan, but it fails. Rather than punching Wobbu, Leijon dodges his attack and knocks him across the roof with her foot. Wobbu takes a lot of damage and can't get up. The guild members all charge at her, but she also knocks them across the roof. The heroes all lay on the roof, barely mobile. Leijon approaches them, preparing to deliver her final blow. Suddenly, when all hope had seem lost, Olli sneaks up from behind Leijon and pecks her face. Anna appears from out of the staircase and shots bubbles at Leijon. Leijon flails her arms and accidentally throws Dedenne across the roof. Wobbu regains some energy and makes a run to Dedenne. Leijon does the same. What seems like a simple race can possibly change the fate of the world. The two both jump for Dedenne. In a split second, Wobbu was able to grab Dedenne before Leijon. His first thought was paralyzing her, and it happened.

    WOBBU and LEIJON
    I can't believe it!

    Wobbu looks over at Anna and Olli.

    WOBBU
    Anna, Olli! what happened to you two?

    OLLI
    Forever gave some of her magic to Marisa.

    ANNA
    Marisa then used that magic to hypnotize us. We were ordered to attack you guys at your camp yesterday.

    OLLI
    When Marisa was knocked unconscious by Leijon, we were freed from her spell!

    ANNA
    We immediately headed back to the tower when we regained our will.

    OLLI
    It seems we showed up just in time!

    Wobbu is still in disbelief. He is unsure of what to do with Marisa's and Leijon's motioless bodies. Suddenly, Guildmaster Wigglytuff ran out of the staircase and onto the roof.

    GUILDMASTER WIGGLYTUFF
    I see I'm too late!

    WOBBU
    What do you mean? Leijon has been defeated.

    GUILDMASTER WIGGLYTUFF
    Precisely! I wanted to see it happen myself.

    Wobbu chuckles. Soon, a whole police force arrives. They put Leijon and Marisa in binds and carted them off towards the capital's highest security prison. Guildmaster Wigglytuff looks at Christos.

    GUILDMASTER WIGGLYTUFF
    Well, well, well. Look who decided to try and be the big hero. When we noticed you hadn't shown up in the guild today, we knew immediately where you went. If it wasn't for Anna and Olli saving you, you'd all be in big trouble right now. I think you owe both of them a huge apology.

    All of the guild members apologize. Everyone begins to head back towards the city, but Wobbu stays. He looks at Dedenne.

    WOBBU
    Forever, if you can hear me, I'd like to remove the enchantment from Dedenne!

    The purple haze returns.

    FOREVER
    Keep in mind that your wish will be permanent.

    WOBBU
    I'm fine with that. I just want Dedenne and everything to be back to normal!

    Dedenne disappears for a moment, only to return without an enchantment. Forever fades away. A voice can still be heard, however.

    FOREVER
    Wobbu, you have proved that mortals still have some responsibility with magic. However, Marisa and Leijon have both contradicted your efforts. With that said, everything will soon return to normal tomorrow. When you wake up, Antemor will be exactly the way it was before Leijon arrived. Leijon will forever wander the sea, in search of revenge.

    The voice subsides. Wobbu accepts the fate.

    WOBBU'S HOME - MORNING

    Wobbu wakes up the next morning. Everything is exactly the way it was before Leijon arrived. Nobody has any memory of the recent events. Wobbu walks up to Dedenne and pets it. Wobbu can now live his life the way he always wanted to. Little did he know that Dedenne was enchanted with a new effect. Dedenne will be Wobbu's greatest lucky charm from now on!
     
    Last edited:

    Nakuzami

    [img]https://i.imgur.com/iwlpePA.png[/img]
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  • Sorry, it got to the point where it was one in the afternoon and I hadn't been asleep since the previous day.

    I can see we're making progress with the story. Any assistance required?
     
    Last edited:

    Salzorrah

    [font=Montserrat][b][color=#66CC66]g[/color][color
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  • omg wobbu and anna, the story is just wow <3 sorry if i can't able to help since busy uni is busy D:

    but i love it <3
     

    Wobbu

    bunger bunger bunger bunger
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  • ok the rough draft is finished. sorry anna for not seeing your post in time ;__;

    Spoiler:


    Can someone please read over it and make sure there aren't any plot holes?
     

    Aquacorde

    ⟡ dig down, dig down ⟡
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  • I don't really se any holes though the climactic battle is quick to come up and quick to be over imo. And the major things I would do is what I was doing before- splitting up your descriptive stuff and doing more showing than telling. You know, getting more characters to say what's going on and giving more dialogue to the narrator instead of having so much in stage direction. And also I do think nakuzami should be one if the guild members. It's just nicer to have another dialogue character and like I said we haven't done much with narrator-as-a-character
     

    Nakuzami

    [img]https://i.imgur.com/iwlpePA.png[/img]
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  • I'm in agreement with what Anna said. So much description shouldn't be in the stage directions. If you want to remedy that and retain my role as the narrator, you could easily put the description as lines for the narrator, as that's kind of the narrator's duty. d:

    I went through and did some brief formatting. Simple indenting and centering where necessary. I can look over it again once some of the story is edited. (I'm thinking that I might need to add an extra indent to each piece of dialogue)

    Spoiler:
     

    Wobbu

    bunger bunger bunger bunger
    2,794
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  • We only have two hours left but if somebody wants to change the story then you better make it quick. Our current story meets all the standards, so I'm fine with it. But use Nakuzami's formatting for the final version since it's much closer to an actual screenplay than my format.
     
    2,736
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  • I really love the story we have right now. Great job, you guys!
    I have nothing to add, since I'm severely lacking in the creativity department. Sorry I wasn't too much of a help during this challenge, but like I said, I'm not creative. D:
     

    Wobbu

    bunger bunger bunger bunger
    2,794
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    12
    Years
  • I'm going to send the PM soon. If anyone has any objections, say so soon! But I think our story is pretty good considering the circumstances.
     

    Nakuzami

    [img]https://i.imgur.com/iwlpePA.png[/img]
    6,896
    Posts
    13
    Years
  • Issue: Anna only has three lines. Not sure if anyone else needs more, but we need to remedy that.

    EDIT: Also Marisa and Leijon, it seems. They're mentioned a lot, but it's necessary for them to have more actual speaking lines.
     

    Wobbu

    bunger bunger bunger bunger
    2,794
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • now everybody has at least four lines
    Ludicolo = Marisa, Pidgey = Olli, Marill = Anna
    i also gave the narrator more lines

    Spoiler:
     
    Last edited:

    Wobbu

    bunger bunger bunger bunger
    2,794
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • I added a couple more relevant "don't drop that dedenne" lines and gave anna and olli another line

    i'm sending he message in ten mins. say something if you want lines added or changed
     

    Aquacorde

    ⟡ dig down, dig down ⟡
    12,511
    Posts
    19
    Years
  • holy ♥♥♥♥ i cant believe we pulled this off tbh. mad props to wobbu esp damn son
    i cant do anything from my phone rlly (well actuallu just formatting and writig on an iphone is a ♥♥♥♥♥ sooo) but it looks damn good. and actually really cool for what a ridic concept it was based on hahahaha
     
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