[Other Original] The Demon Queen

Chapter 1 : The Mother

For the longest time, I had felt out of place in my own home. My brothers and sisters, younger and older, had all gone and matured long before myself. Every year the time of progression came ?round, and every year it passed me by with no changes. My mother would assure me the day after that it would be alright, that there was always the next year. She said I was simply a ?late bloomer? and that everyone went through the changes at a different pace. We weren't all the same, as much as the preacher might lead us to believe. It's in our chemistry to be different from each other. As much as my mother tried to protect me and cheer me up, the distant gaze of my father's cold eyes tore away at the cozy blanket she tried to wrap me in. For the longest time, I never did understand why he looked at me with such disgust. Now I wonder why he even came to the ceremonies at all.

My mother was a chemist. She worked from home for dozens of hours a day searching for new ways to take apart the human gene and piece it back together into something better. She believed that humans could become something greater than what they were and what they'd been led to believe they are. Some nights I could hear her screaming in frustration, cursing something or someone that I didn't know. She participated in numerous conference calls online with doctors across the world pursuing similar research, so she new many different languages. But when she cursed in this way, she fluctuated between all sorts of languages including ones that I had only ever heard when she became truly upset. Inhuman sounds would escape her throat and then when be followed by the banging of her desk or muffled sobbing. She never let her work interfere with her primary duties which she had said were taking care of and loving her family. She always made time for us, regardless of how upset at or lost in her research she became. My father and siblings were her anchors, while come to find out I was the weight dragging her deeper into the darkness.

A few weeks prior to my twentieth birthday, my youngest brother Mark completed his own ritual. Being the last two of the children in the house at the time, we were joined only by our mother and father in sending him off into the world. As with the celebration of every other child?s passing into adulthood, we feasted. The table was set for twenty-two, with my mother and father sitting at opposite ends. The eldest of the children sat closest to Mother on her left, and the youngest sat nearest to Father on the right. Clarisse was my eldest sister, and the only one of the children older than myself. As such, I had always sat on the same side of the table as Mark albeit on opposite ends of the spectrum. Tonight, every seat except for the four of ours were empty. All seats were set only as a reminder of how far our family had come.

Our Father stared coldly as he always did at these sorts of things, while Mother gave her big speech filled as equally with tears as it was with words. I started to zone out, as I usually did at these sorts of things. Hearing the same speech eighteen times over didn?t exactly make for a welcoming environment for attention. I?m sure that my Father felt the same, even if my Mother felt as strongly about what she was saying as she did when she first said it for Clarisse. Mark was only fifteen, but he?d heard the same speech being given at least a dozen times. However, looking down at the end of the table I saw his eyes filled with tears and his body shaking. It almost made me feel bad about phasing in and out of attention for the majority of these things. Almost.

My brother left just three weeks later. He?d taken up a position at a factory a few cities over shortly after completing the ceremony, but had taken his time to pack his belongings. Every single day he came to me to talk, fearful of the life he was about to step in to. All any of us had ever known was the world inside of this house. Most of us had never even ventured into the town at the bottom of the hill upon which our home sat, nor had we ever seen anyone attempt to approach our house from the massive glass arches which made up the face of the place. There were likely hundreds of people in that cluster of dwellings beneath us, but never once had anyone even approached the gate which surrounded us. Not once had I ever seen another child lose a toy to our yard like so many had in the movies I filled my time with. We were avoided by those around us like a plague, or a graveyard filled with the lonely and childless.

Once Mark finally left, the house seemed to grow considerably colder. For nearly a week I was without any communication with either of my parents. For my Father, this was nothing new. He had never said more than a few lines to me in my entire life, and we had never once held a conversation. As for my Mother however, this was a completely new and unnerving experience. Through my entire life she had been there every day, never failing to greet me in the morning or bid me well into the night. After the first day of being without her, I grew worried. The second, third, and fourth day of the week I searched for her throughout all of the house. Starting with her office, I moved through all three floors of the mansion and then even searched the basement and my Father?s study. In every room, there was nothing. Nobody at any point and no notices as to if they were leaving for somewhere or when they had gone.

On the sixth day, as I lay in bed I heard the front door of our house creak open and then slam shut. I?d been unable to sleep for almost the entire week leading up to this moment, so for me to finally get some sort of confirmation that I was no longer alone here was relieving. Within minutes of hearing the door close, I was asleep. I drifted from dream to dream, but in each new world that I went to I was finding small similarities. In each place, there seemed to be the repeated sounds of a door creaking open and then clicking softly shut. I could hear heavy breathing when the door was opened, and when it shut each time I would swear that I could hear my name being whispered.

?No, stop this. It?s Vanessa.?

Shortly after hearing this, I would shift into a new dream with a recognizable break in my subconscious. The similarities between dreams stopped here, but the longer I slept the more I began to focus on what kept happening. The dreams themselves became more and more distant as I tried to further myself from them and focus on the recurring element.

?No, stop this. It?s Vanessa.?

Again and again I could hear my name being whispered in this context. I felt a weight on my chest as I tried to listen in closer, completely doing away with the dreams altogether as the words set themselves on repeat.

?No, stop this. It?s Vanessa. My baby girl? I couldn?t? I shouldn?t but I? I can?t resist any longer? the research is pointless anyways. There is no hope for her or any other. These primal instincts, these similarities in our genetics? curses can?t be cured anymore, no more than they can be replicated in those not already involved in them. It?s pointless to search any further. I must? I must??

I hadn?t even realized that I?d been woken up until the voice was already through its monologue. My eyes peeled open, the moon?s light shining down on the door which was slowly creeping ajar. Something caught my eye in the corner of the room, and without making a sound I turned my ever so slightly so as to get a better look at whatever it was. There in the corner of my room I saw a white cloak, and a feminine figure with its arms wrapped around itself as if attempting to restrain itself.

?I must not? It?s not right, not after all that we?ve been through together. I can?t do this!?

The figure screamed out and then lunged at the bed, digging its long fingernails into the mattress. I slammed my eyes shut and gripped at the sheets of my bed beneath the cover of my blanket. Putrid, rotten smelling breath washed over me as I heard the sound of bones popping and breaking. Drool dripped from the creature?s mouth as it hovered over my bed, digging its nails still deeper into the mattress of my bed as it sobbed.

?Just let me do it! Just let me do it! It?s pointless anymore! You can?t hold us back any longer! Just give in!?

The creature continued to argue with itself as it ripped its nails through the mattress and fell back into its corner, sobbing as it tore away at its own skin. The corners of my mouth twitched as I tried not to sob as well, my fear growing steadily now after having nearly been killed by whatever this monster was. Tears fell from my eyes and I rolled over, trying to face away from the creature. I had always had this strange feeling that I should keep a knife at my bedside, but never understood for what reason. It was only now that I found the reason.

?Are you awake Vanessa??

My Mother?s voice.

?Oh child, did I frighten you? There?s no need to be afraid. I would never hurt you. You are my favorite after all. Why do you think that I saved you all those years ago? Why do you think that I-?

I could feel the monster climb up onto my bed. I lowered my hand into the dresser door next to me and wrapped my fingers around the knife which I kept inside it. I pursed my lips as I felt the creature?s hot breath roll over me. Chills ran up my spine as I pulled the weapon out of the drawer and down to the side of the bed, my muscles tensed as I readied to stab away at the monster beginning to mount me.

?Don?t you see my darling Vanessa? This is what we are. This is why we went through the rituals. I tried so hard for so long? but now that Mark?s gone, there?s no reason to hide it any longer. You are not one of us, nor have you ever been. I wish I could help you, but this is just the way that things are. You understand, don?t you? Without me, you would have died when you were still just a baby. Now, it?s time to repay your debt to me. The flesh of a hunter is always so much more delicious than the average person's.?

I felt the creature?s fangs begin to scrape across the gown I?d worn to sleep. The liquid which fell from the monster?s mouth dripped down onto my bare skin and began to melt away at my flesh, causing me to scream out and fling my hand around the side of the bed with all of the strength that I had. The knife pierced the monster?s eye, causing it to wail in pain and fall from my bed. The creature stumbled back and then was illuminated by the light of the moon which shone through the window. Grey-ish black scales glistened with the pale night?s light, and two long tusk-like teeth dripped with a liquid which melted the ground which the creature stood on as it fell. The monster wore my Mother?s complete outfit, down to the I.D. that she wore to enter the video meetings.

?How dare you! How dare you!? The monster screeched as it scraped at its own face, attempting to pull free the blade that I?d plunged into its skull. ?You ungrateful fucking bitch! I?ll kill you! I?ll rip you limb from fucking limb as you scream for me to save you once more!?

I rolled out of bed, clutching my shoulder where the flesh had been eaten away at. Tucking my head down, I placed my one good shoulder in the creature?s chest and used all of my weight to send it and myself toppling out of the fourth story window.

Man, I mainly wanna say "Avoided like a cemetery for the both lonely and childless," is a great line. I feel a lot of your prose has some of those really nice lines, but it's a bit inconsistent. That same great line starts off with "avoided like the plague," for example. It could've done without it, I'd say. I think I might prefer the line without it because it's just better imagery, instead of a cliche.

A lot of your prose also feels a bit distant. The tone is usually a bit of a clash with your dialogue. The authorial voice you use is usually very literate, usually avoiding the simple words, which reads as a hard juxtaposition from your dialogue, which is way more vulgar. In this case, as the story is in first person POV, it makes me wonder a lot about the character. Why do they talk like that? As a 20-year-old myself, I don't know many people that talk like that. It really makes me wonder about their childhood. I also know your writing style resembles this character's voice a lot, though, so it does make me wonder if it's intentional.

The plot doesn't really hook me in, just yet, but it might be because the first actual event that happens is a dream sequence. I'm super biased against dream sequences, so I generally kinda fizzle out whenever they show up. I kinda miss actual events at the start though. You describe these familial relationships, but I never get to see them. I don't feel as connected to the events that transpire after that, with the who I assume to be mother attacking her adopted daughter. Because of the very exposition nature of the start, I feel like I'm just missing a connection to both the character and the scene. It feels like there's more to show, and it could be really interesting, rather than tell.

You set-up an immediately interesting world, so I feel it's kinda wasted to just brush past those pieces of setting and dive immediately into the momma-monster. This setting clearly feels alien, so it might be cool to actually explore that alienness.

I agree with Ice the exposition at the beginning was a bit much and I don't really get the sense of the family's interactions. The part mentioning the feast celebrating Mark moving out is a great oppurtunity to flesh out the family's interactions more by dialogue (you do have some body language there like Mark shaking though, which is a good start). You could have also show at least one instance of Mark and Vanessa talking while Mark was getting ready to leave.

Otherwise, the momma monster stuff that comes later did pull me in and also makes me curious what is going on.

Chapter 2

This could have gone one of two ways. The first way was by omitting one of the characters used in this chapter and giving the spotlight to the other. But, I went the other direction but I don't know if that was really the best way to go. Both would accomplish the same things just in different ways. So. If I. Anyways here you go.

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I'd blacked out for a while. As we'd fallen out of the window, we spun around a couple of times as we wrestled to see who would hit the ground first. The monster ended up mounting me, but once my back hit against the stone slabs beneath us it had flown off. The last thing I heard before darkness as an inhuman screech reminiscent of that which I'd heard so often before late at night.


"Mother."


My lips spread and the word escaped from between them as my eyes sealed shut. I don't know how much time passed. Any way you look at it, I should have died. I felt something snap in my back when I hit the ground, and was out in that darkness for so long that I actually forgot what it was like to feel my body or see the light. It was if I were floating through an endless sea of black sand, my body sinking and rising indiscriminately.


Eventually, I came to. The light of the sun shone down on me as I moved my arm to block it out. Slowly I blinked, adjusting my eyes to the light which washed over me. I ran my hand along my spine, trying to find a bruise from where I'd landed. Nothing. I rose to my feet, stretching my body in every which direction as I tried to find any sort of pain. There was nothing at all. In fact, I had never felt better. For as long as I could remember there had been a catch in my left shoulder if I moved it back too far, but after waking up even that was gone.


A short ways away from me there sat a skeleton in a torn and tattered lab coat. The bones in the hands and head were ridiculously elongated and sharpened into points, but the skull had been impaled by a spiked fence which bordered the garden on the ground outside my room. This was without a doubt the creature which had attacked me, but it was unthinkable that it could have decomposed in such a short time. I made my way over to the skeleton and ran my fingers along the bones which made up the right arm of the creature. Immediately after I touched the skeleton, I heard a scream come from within it as the entire system of bones crumbled into dust. In that pile of dust, I found the knife which I had plunged into the monster's eye before jumping from the window.


I picked up the weapon and held it firmly in my right hand, unsure of what to expect as I came around the corner of our house. The building was the same as it always was and even the lights inside were still on. The cluster of buildings beneath the hill which we sat all were still in prime condition as well, which assured me that not much time had passed. I was perplexed, but I entered the house anyways. Maybe I could find my mother or father inside and they could answer some of my questions. Something in the back of my head told me that I should have left then and there, but I didn't listen to it. Somewhere in there, another voice was telling me that I absolutely had to stay or else I'd forever regret it.


I made my way through the house, checking every room once more as I searched for either one of my parents. Finally, I came into the dining room and found the entire table freshly set. All along the center of the table were plates of covered food, steam rolling out from beneath the lids. The aroma of a baking cake came from the kitchen alongside the sound of clanging pans. This was the feast that we normally had when someone completed their passing, but whoever it was for escaped me. All of my siblings had already gone, so I was the only one left - but I'd never completed the passing. Every year that it came I attempted it, but every time I tried I inevitably failed. My mind was racing as I tried to piece everything together. I walked into the kitchen, expecting to find my mother there slaving over the stove as she completed the final preparations for the feast.


"Mom? You in here?"


I pushed open the double doors gently, but the sight that I was met with completely threw me off guard.


"Hello sister. I'm so very happy that you've finally made it. If you don't mind going back and taking a seat, the feast will be ready soon. Father will be in shortly, so don't worry about anything sweetie."


"C-Clarisse." My eyes filled with tears as I laid them on my oldest sister for the first time in years. "What are you doing here?"


Clarisse turned towards me, her blond hair brushing against her slender hips. Her jade-colored eyes pierced through mine, forcing all of my worries to settle. "Go wait in the dining room Nessa. We'll talk about things then."


I nodded my head, unable to disobey her. I took my seat at the end of the table designated for the girls, and waited for everyone to come join me. My father entered first, taking his seat at the other end of the table without so much as looking my direction. His eyes were fixed on the floor, but his hands and head were shaking so violently that without focusing on him he appeared to be completely still. My sister entered second. Always the eccentric one, her black thigh highs and grey-white plaid shorts went oddly well with the matching checkered polo. Placing the cake on the center of the table, she looked over at my father and made eye contact with him. He bared his teeth, a mouthful of razor sharp fangs matching that of the creature which attacked me the night before.


"Now then, shall we feast?" My sister took her seat directly across from me and smiled, her head switching slowly between myself and our father.


I swallowed hard. My palms were beginning to sweat as I realized the knife was still held tightly in my hand. I started to shake as I licked my lips, slowly being overcome by an intense feeling of unease. "W-what about Mom?"


My father slammed his fists on the table and lunged across it, sending plates of food flying off in every which direction. His nails elongated into talons and his body doubled in size as he quickly closed the distance between the two of us. Clarisse slowly rose from her seat and then stepped up onto the table, brushing her hand across our father's face and causing him to fly across the room.


"Come now father, surely you wouldn't forget your promise." Clarisse stepped down from the table and walked slowly over to the monster which was scrambling to get up off of the ground. "It's finally happened, just like mother always said it would. You must respect that, even if she is gone."


I fell out of my chair and clutched one of the table's legs, staring into the eyes of the beast which my sister continued to refer to as our father. "What's going on?" I whispered beneath my breath as I clutched my chest, close to having a panic attack. "Where's mom? What's happened to our dad? Why did you really come home?"


Clarisse turned her head to look at me. Her pupils had been cut into slits and the green of her eyes had grown even brighter. As she spoke to me, the teeth in her mouth grew into fangs and began to turn black. "Surely you know sis. You've taken the test so many times, surely you can't be that naive. Especially not now that you've been passed the entire torch. Sure, you might not exactly be one of us… but mother put forth everything she had to ensure you could at least understand one day."


"W-what do you mean? I've been passed the entire torch? I don't understand. Where's our mom at?"


"Surely you haven't forgotten? It hasn't even been a day, hell, it's not even been a full twelve hours since you tore her through your window."


"Since I tore her through… what? That monster was…"


"Jesus christ Nessa, you can't be that retarded. Look, dad's nearly just like her isn't he? And I'm nearly just like both of them in the way that I look now aren't I? This is what we are sis, this is what you've become. Well sort of, at least. See, you're a little more special than the rest of us."


"Special? What do you mean special?"


"You're a human." Our father stood up, pressing his fist deeper into the wall. "You're not one of us, and yet I suppose you are now… regrettable as it is to say."


This was the most my father had ever said to me. Even if he would talk to me before, he'd never say things directly to me but in a more vague sense pertaining to all of the kids instead. "Dad... " tears began to fall from my eyes and I began to choke on my own spit as I tried to say more.


"The only reason I'll let you live now, is because of what you've become, because of the promise I made to my wife. I despise you for what you've done to her, to our family. I'll let you go, but I'll never forgive you. You may have the blood of a demon now, but you'll always have the spirit of a human and for that I will never accept you. As of now, you no longer are welcome in this house. I'll give you until tonight to pack your things, but after that I'll hope I never have to see you again."


The man stared at Clarisse as he narrowed his eyes, shaking his head. Slowly, our father made his way out of the dining room, his entire body still shaking with the rage at my existence built up over twenty years.


"Well, that couldn't have gone better." Clarisse laughed slightly as she kicked one of the lids that had been covering the now tainted food. "I'm surprised he waited for you to come inside before attacking you to begin with. I was sure he would have snuck outside while I was busy cooking."


"Clarisse." I crawled out from under the table, my clothes covered in food and dampened with my tears. "Tell me, what is going on? Do you know what promise he was talking about? What did they mean by… demons…"


"Look, I'm sure you have a lot of questions and that's understandable. Most of us I'm sure did have questions when we first passed the trial. For now though, we have to leave. Father will eventually call the rest of the family here, but before that we want to be as far away as possible."


"Why would he call the rest of the family here?"


"What are you; twelve, or retarded? You killed his wife, the mother of all of us except for yourself. Once everyone finds out the truth about you and realize that mom's gone, they'll obviously be out for blood."


"Then, why aren't you trying to take revenge? You knew mom for the longest after all…"


"Because, I was here when she first brought you home. After your parents tried to kill mine… our mother took you in as a baby. She told us you were going to be special and that we should always love and cherish you. You changed our mother, but unlike father I don't think those changes were exactly for the worse. It was because of how she changed that our father never spoke to or acknowledged you. And every year that passed, his hate for you grew greater as you failed trial after trial and proved to be a waste of time. Maybe if you could have changed before Mark left you could have salvaged a relationship… but not anymore. The time for that has passed, and so too has the time for explanations. For now we must leave, so stop fucking distracting me and go get whatever shit you need from your room."

Clarisse turned her head to look at me. Her pupils had been cut into slits and the green of her eyes had grown even brighter. As she spoke to me, the teeth in her mouth grew into fangs and began to turn black. "Surely you know sis. You've taken the test so many times, surely you can't be that naive. Especially not now that you've been passed the entire torch. Sure, you might not exactly be one of us… but mother put forth everything she had to ensure you could at least understand one day."

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This particular paragraph I can see why Ice mentioned the prose feeling distant in some instances. Mainly Vanessa seems to get a bit wordy, like right here. The bolded parts I personally might tighten the wording a bit with "her eyes lit up even brighter" and "her teeth grew into fangs and turned black"

The last few paragraphs, after their Father left, I feel there should be more urgency with Clarisse helping Vanessa leaving while she explains to her sister their situation. The sentence "What are you, twelve or retarded?" near the end I think "retarded" can be taken out since Clarisse said that earlier.

I do think you did much better giving us a sense of uneasiness within the family this chapter than in the beginning, especially with the Father there.