[Pokémon] Kanto: The Disputed Frontier

Before you start reading: This is an incomplete chapter fic I started when I was fourteen and was just about to join the site. I was just getting back into Pokemon, and my lack of basic canon knowledge kind of shows (also my lack of writing prowess). Anyway, just know going in that the adherence to canon is little, the science is laughable, the prose is uninspired, the chapters are too short, and it isn't going to be finished. I may reboot it some day with more prior planning and attention to detail, but don't hold your breath. So, enjoy? :P

Also before you start reading: In (dis)honor of the 10th anniversary of this fic and my joining PokeCommunity, I am updating chapter 1 to include Mystery Science Theater-style commentary! Enjoy! :D

Content Advisory: Recommended for ages 13 and up. (Actually, if you're older than 15 you probably don't want to read this, either.)




1: The Unintended Massacre [Whoops!]

The spinning blades fell closer to the water, sending ripples and disturbing the previous tranquility. [Could it really have been all that tranquil when there was a helicopter anywhere in the vicinity?] In the mere action of moving air the helicopter was creating a consequence. [Oh man, two sentences in and we've already got incomprehensible teenage philosophizing. Better grab my drink now.] While it was an insignificant one, it could easily be seen as the waves spread further. Sean Crowe observed this from his seat in the helicopter, and thought about what consequences might come from the other function the helicopter was performing. [Jeeze louise, just spit it out.] This other function would inevitably cause a greater effect, for on this particular mission Crowe [We're calling him by his last name? Even though the other main characters call him "Sean?" Okay, whatever.] was clearing an island for human habitation, and he was doing it with napalm. [Yeah KIDS, there's NAPALM in a POKEMON fic. This ain't your DAD'S fanfiction. Also, our hero, ladies and gentlemen!] He could not possibly imagine the consequences that would ensue. [Crowe has a terrible imagination, we learn here.]

The flame resistant chopper [Nice detail work. Makes the whole scenario much more plausible.] landed on a mostly unaffected beach, and Crowe got out to commence with his surveying. The special suit surrounding his body was uncomfortable to say the least, but Crowe was a practical man and was thus only concerned with whether the thing would turn out to work or not. [Yeah, who needs a suit that doesn't feel like a burning metal can on the inside? IMPRACTICAL people, that's who.] A voice came from his built-in radio. "How are the conditions so far?" It was that annoying guy from the UN, and Crowe winced at the sound of his voice.

"They're good. The flames have caught, and the trees are falling quickly. I'm going to proceed to the hill and take a bio-scan."

"The airborne scan we took last week confirmed that the native tribes of last century are already gone." ["Like, we're at least 80% sure we're not setting any Polynesians on fire."]

"There's more to biology than people, [Got that, reader? We're laying out the moral or some sh*t.] I want to make sure we don't have any surviving critters." [Author's note: this chapter was supposed to be entitled, "The 100% Intentional and Meticulously Planned Massacre." Typo.]

"If you insist."

[Wow, long paragraph inbound. Who wants to bet it sticks to one topic the whole way through?] Crowe walked up to the nearest hill, stepping over a few burning, partially decomposed trees. He couldn't stand the UN and their insistence on expanding the population to islands instead of the Moon or Mars. [Yeah, sending the overpopulated hordes to space would be so much more feasible.] He really couldn't stand how they took no efforts to let the indigenous life on these islands remain. They insisted on immediately progressing to a dense urban environment instead of just settling. In short, Crowe hated the UN. This was regarded as odd by some, because he (officially speaking) worked for them. [He's also literally doing his job right now, so I'd say he de facto works for them in addition to de jure works for them.] He reached the top of the hill, and sure enough, the rest of the island was either in flames or reduced to embers. He took out his scope, and surveyed the landscape. Sure enough, no signal. He was about to put the device away when there was a flash of white on the screen. He zoomed in to the signal, and saw a most peculiar sight that almost took his breath away. [What is it? WHAT IS IT??] A small group of mammals were crowding on a rock, most of them already burned to a degree. [Oh, it was the exact thing he was looking for. Real tense, there.] The encroaching flames soon devoured them. Crowe looked at the data printout, and found that the animals were both unidentifiable visually and electronically. He scanned the rest of the island for more of them, and found a group closer to his hill. They would soon be engulfed, and he started off towards them. As he was walking, he adjusted a control panel on his suit's arm. First he disconnected a wire in a port labeled "Audio out 1" and connected it to "Audio out 2." [You got that? His radio has two transmitter ports. This is going to be on the test.] He heard on his radio, "Crowe, our radar confirms that you are moving; have you spotted something important?"

Crowe didn't hear anything from the communicator after that because he moved another wire from "Audio in 1" to "Audio in 2." [Two receiver ports as well. Are you writing this down?] He spoke to his radio, "Hey guys, I think I might have found something."

The site with the animals drew closer, and he spoke to the radio again, "C'mon, answer! Do you Silph Co. guys think you're so important that you can't check the radio once in a while? [This is a totally smooth and natural-sounding way to establish who he's talking to. Young writers take note.] Trust me, you want to hear this!"

"Hey Sean, what's up?" [See? "Sean," not "Crowe." Why are we calling him "Crowe?"] [The answer is because "Crowe" is what I named my player characters in Pokemon games back then.]

"It's about time; I may have found the big thing you guys have been looking for."

He arrived just as most of the animals expired, [See how I'm using 'animals' instead of 'Pokemon'? That's how you know this is serious sci-fi for big kids and not for little babies.] and found one isolated, still breathing steadily.

"Is it a new species?"

"Definitely. And it's about to become extinct." ["Yeah, I don't think it works either, but the execs say we need a line for the trailer."]

He sprayed a substance on it, a flame retardant that would preserve the body. [Normally you start trying to mummify a body after it's dead.]

"Can you get it sealed and off the island?"

"I'm doing it now."

"Excellent, report back when you get the chance." ["...Man, if only there were an easier way to discover a new species than asking our friend whose job it is to burn down islands to look for one after he's already burned down the island." -- A literal in-story genius in charge of a biotech company]

Crowe reconnected his radio's wires to their original positions [Aren't you going to tell us what the ports were labeled again? That's valuable worldbuilding right there!] and said, "This is Crowe. Sorry about the silence, I ran into a bit of interference. I was just checking the soil conditions down here, nothing to report. I'm returning to the chopper now."

He picked up the animal. It was a light pink color, though charred black in spots. Its blue eyes appeared very tired, and it became clear that it would pass away in a second or so. Before Crowe put it in his bag, it gave a soft cry. [Oh boy, we're about to learn what kind of Pokemon lived here! Let's see, pink body, blue eyes...]

Mew. [Oh for f*ck's sa-- THEY CAN FLY!!!]

It was good, and very descriptive.

The only thing is the reference to pokemon as "animals" and "mammals". It's no big deal, and I may just being picky. However other than that it was great.

SharinganFlames said:

It was good, and very descriptive.

The only thing is the reference to pokemon as "animals" and "mammals". It's no big deal, and I may just being picky. However other than that it was great.

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Thank you. BTW, the usage of "animals" and "mammals" was intentional.

This was great. I really enjoyed reading this one. It was decriptive and I visualized the story. I didn't see any errors but I may look back at it. I'm just a little busy at the moment. Keep up the good work and I can't wait for more.

2: The Perplexing Autopsy

There was a myriad of various sounds in the old warehouse, bombarding Crowe's ears. The collected noise acted as a mockery of a symphony. Each metallic instrument maintained its own rhythm and purpose, and only achieved an overarching goal because of the other intstruments around it. This place was a true cacophony of productivity, and it was also the only building of Silph, a bioengineering company with a strong presence in the field of quantum storage. Crowe walked into the bare room just past the main gate, and heard the echo of his footsteps contribute to the auditory collective.

Crowe thought briefly about the more important members of Silph; there was the founder Jack Norwood, who was mainly concerned with advancing the application biology in industry. There was also Emma Henderson, who was called an environmental radical by some. Jack and Emma would be considered executives if there were enough employees at Silph for that title to mean much; as it were they were like player-coaches. The lower workers at Silph were interested in restoring the national sovereignty of their various home countries, and mostly joined because Silph had a reputation for underminging the UN's regulations. These members together formed, metaphorically speaking, another cacophonous symphony. They worked as individuals towards their own goals and only seemed to move each other because they were all working in the same place. Perhaps it was this subtle link to their building that let them make do with such a wretched place.

Crowe was brought back to reality when he noticed Jack Norwood approaching him. The leader of the company inquired, "Do you have it with you?" The two had been friends for a long time, but that had no bearing on Crowe's decision to do undercover work for Silph. Unlike the actual workers of the company, he was only concerned with making a living, and there were limited opportunities for a bio-specialist in that day and age.

"Yeah, it's in this bag. Before I open it, do you have an air freshener handy?"

"It's dead, huh? No matter, we just need the proof that its death was significant. Let's head to the surgical room."

They went to a rusted metal door, and Jack pulled an equally rusted lever next to it. There was a series of grinding clinks and clanks, and when it ended they knew the door was safe to open. It was a poor makeshift elevator, but Silph's policy of "spare-every-expense" wouldn't allow for a proper one. The real problem with this company was that they didn't actually sell anything. Most of the money they had was what Jack inherited from his family, and he had used all that to buy the equipment needed for researching quantum physics. Their warehouse was acquired through some contacts that Jack had in a bank. This bank had seized the building from its original owner, and lost little in letting Silph have it. Through some free materials and engineering work provided by some more contacts of Jack's, the entire warehouse was converted to a geothermal tap to provide free power for their operation. This operation was researching and biding their time. This whole facade was made possible by yet another contact of Jack's, who occasionally "misappropriated" some UN funds to pay the employees' modest salaries.

The elevator slowly but surely reached a floor several stories below the surface. Crowe braced himself as Jack opened the door, letting in a waft of cold air. They walked on the dimly lit steel pathway, and paid no heed to how the walls were mostly soil, with cut ends of tree roots sticking out to try and trip a passerby. It wasn't long before they came to a room that Jack had been itching to use.

*****

"Pass that scalpel over here."

It looked like an ordinary surgical table, surrounded by doctors in sterile attire. The animal found by Crowe was laid on its back, its blue eyes now closed. Jack placed his blade gently against the sternum, and made a practiced incision down the abdomen. The skin and muscle was carefully pulled back, revealing a world of mysteries inside.

"The organs appear intact, but the blood's all dried up. I'm going to have to chip it off to look further."

Emma Henderson, who was also participating in this procedure, replied in her perpetually calm voice, "I've got a sterile bag here. We should store it for testing later."

Crowe watched as the animal's operation continued. He did not feel any remorse for having killed all the other members of its species, for he was not sentimental in any definition of the word. While he considered animals important and concerned himself greatly with them, he never made the mistake of personifying them. He could see no reason as to why this one should be treated any differently. He looked at what he could see of the thing's skeleton, and became curious about something. "Is it OK if I take a quick bio-scan? I want to examine its bone structure."

Jack said cordially, "Feel free."

Crowe moved his little instrument over the table, going slowly in order to get as detailed a reading as possible. He then connected the device to a nearby computer, tapped a few keys, and waited for the analysis to load.

"Oh my God…"

Jack took on a look of extreme concern and asked, "What is it?"

"This thing might not even be a carbon based life form."

Emma replied, skeptically, "What are you talking about? Let me see."

She walked over to the screen, and saw that Crowe was right. Only the skeleton and blood registered as organic matter, the rest was completely unidentified. "Give me a piece of its skin. I want to run some tests of my own."

*****

It turned out that Crowe's statement was slightly farther from the truth than they had first anticipated, for it was carbon based. However, it operated differently on a molecular level when compared to any other being they had seen. For one thing, The DNA was in the form of a single helix as opposed to two. And, every carbon atom in its body had twice the normal number of electrons, yet still bonded normally.

"That's impossible. You misinterpreted the data."

If Emma was annoyed at Crowe's quick rebuke, she didn't show it. "I can assure you, it's correct. I only took the same test five times and reanalyzed the data five times for each test."

"But, an atom only becomes stable when it has eight or zero electrons in its valence level. It can't have sixteen and stay together."

"If you don't believe me, you should run the test yourself. I guarantee you'll find the same thing."

Jack decided to intervene, "So, according to your data, are the atoms carbon or not?"

"They are carbon by definition because they contain six protons. They're carbon ions, but unlike any that anyone has ever seen."

There was a long silence, which Jack ended by saying, "This is more than I ever could have hoped for. We can finally show those stuck-up UN jerks that there's still reason to fund the science of life. I think it's clear what we have to do now. As I'm sure you know, Sean, there's another, larger island close to the one you found this guy on. It's close enough that species similar to this one could inhabit it. If I can pull the right strings, we can probably get the UN to fund a research base we can establish there."

"That won't be happening," Crowe replied coldly. Emma looked up at his eyes, as if dreading something.

"The UN already passed a bill. I'm going to be burning the place in six months."

Emma's head slowly fell away from Crowe's and went towards their subject. She then lowered it again, staring at the floor. Crowe thought he saw her eyes water and dry quickly, as if guarding a weakness of which no one must ever know.

"I see," were the words that came from Jack's mouth, "That throws a wrench into things. I might be able to get around it, but it'll take every string within my grasp. And even then it'll be a long shot. Well, all I can say is this: If you two want to stay with me and my cause on this, and keep all your work from having been in vain, you'll do what I'm about to tell you. Pack your things, and get ready for a long trip."

3: The Endangered Island

The ripples returned to Crowe's perception, only this time they were closer, more real. And they were not in concentric circles; they pushed out from the side of the boat, leaving a trail of disturbance getting larger as the vessel continued. He wondered if he would have the same devastating effect on this area as the last one, or if this time the land would not be wasted so. It would all depend on Jack, and whether he could find the right political levers to push. Crowe found it hard to concentrate on all of this, for the saline breeze around him was such a comfort. The ocean wind was enjoyed even more by Captain John Pallet, who approached Crowe with a concerned look on his face.

"We need to talk."

Pallet was an experienced sailor, and was in charge of transporting this little expedition. Crowe hadn't known him for very long, but he already respected him a great deal. He was a hardy man, over fifty but still as tough as they come. Crowe asked what they needed to talk about.

"If you don't already know, then we have a bigger problem with crew dynamics than I thought."

"Am I not getting along with someone?"

"It's Dr. Henderson. She seems worried about some of the cargo you're taking."

"What cargo would that be?"

"Don't play dumb, doc. False ignorance puts you so much out of character that you stick out like a sore thumb. I'm talking about that fire suit you don on occasion. I was under the impression that you were a part of my crew so you could save that island."

"That's my intention, yes."

"Then why bring the damned thing?"

"It's like this, Pallet. I'm out here to make a living, and I can either do it with Silph or with the UN. If Silph pulls through, I'm going to have a great job secured and be set for life. But if Silph blows it, I'm not about to fall to rock bottom by dropping my job with the 'United Nutcases.' I've got too much to lose to not keep that suit handy, but you can rest assured that I'll give it all I've got to keep this crew on that island for the next half year."

"I'll trust you, Crowe, but you should talk to Dr. Henderson about this. I don't want your antics to throw off my ship's balance, y'hear?"

"Right."

To put it bluntly, Crowe didn't talk to Emma. He almost did a few times, but he never really got around to it. Maybe it was because she kept avoiding his gaze, or maybe he didn't want to risk saying something that would only make her angrier. At any rate, he had to forget about it as they drew within of day of their destination. The crew, consisting of some thirty people, had to make sure that they could get off the boat and transport all of their equipment to the island as quickly as possible. They were making a close shave with the deadline that Norwood had given them, and the plan would not work if they had not lived on the island for a certain amount of time.

The day came at last, and everything was packed into motorboats. The colonists themselves went in rowboats, mostly because Norwood couldn't get any more motorboats. The night before, the crew had all met together, and discussed what they would call this new land of theirs. One member of Silph by the name of Kensuke Ishida came up with an interesting idea for the name of the island itself. Around a decade before these events, a region in Japan called Kanto was nearly destroyed by a napalm attack from warring China, only to be saved at the last minute by a small but determined air force squadron. The parallels to the current situation, while obvious, were powerful, and the name Kanto was agreed on. However, they could not decide on what they would call the settlement they were to establish. Captain Pallet had an interesting idea, the leader of whichever rowboat reached the island first would achieve naming rights. This made quite a bit of fun the next day, as the adults laughed like children and sent catcalls back and forth during the race. As could have been predicted, Pallet's boat won thanks to his expertise in instruction. Thus there was no objection when he christened their settlement Pallet Town.

*****

There was no real beach for them to land on, just a steep incline of rocks leading up to a grassy field. They started their colony on this field, cutting down the grass to a more workable height. Before they did this, they blew several horns, and heard many hidden animals scatter. They pitched several tents on wooden platforms, the tents being made of a highly durable material. Every member of the crew worked at this, save for three women who were carrying unborn children. They came because Norwood insisted on the importance of having children be born on the island. They would stay in more comfortable tents, which were set up by their husbands. Emma and Crowe were working on the scientific lab, which was merely a larger tent for storing more expensive items. After all structures were assembled, everyone returned to the boats to pick up their belongings and other equipment. Emma looked with shock as Crowe casually took his fire suit to his tent. "How can your conscience allow you to bring that thing?"

"Easily, I just remind myself that animals aren't people."

"They still have feelings, and I don't see how their not being people excuses genocide!"

"Do you think I enjoy burning entire islands and everything on them? Well, I don't. I can't stand it, and I only do it because there's no other job in the world I can take."

"You could work for Jack, he needs people like you!"

"I intend to work for Jack as soon as Silph gets in a position to pay me a salary. I've looked at the records. You guys couldn't have one more employee without sending all of you under the minimum wage. If this scheme pays off, I'll join for good, and toss this suit in the garbage. If it doesn't, I'm not giving up my life for the sake of some animals that no one except you will miss."

At this, Emma walked off angrily, and Crowe couldn't help but feel that he could have handled that better. He didn't know how sociable people survived, there were so many vague rules that they had to follow so strictly.

That night, Crowe was hard at work getting all of their equipment in the lab running. There were some strange devices in a box that Norwood had marked 'fragile,' and they came with a note.

Sean,

The items in this box may greatly assist you; they're the prototypes of the concepts in quantum storage I've been developing. They should be able to contain any organic matter of any size with little effort or electrical power. The units for storage are small spheres with one circular port on the front. Its interface device is shaped like a gun and has cartridge slots for both a sphere and a one-shot battery. The gun can be used to capture wildlife and release it later. The batteries are rechargeable with the solar adapter that's included.

Have fun with it!

—Jack

Crowe reached in the box and picked up one of the spheres, it was white and about the size of a baseball. He turned it over in his hand, unaware of how important it would one day become. Meanwhile, in the tall grass to the north a new anomaly laid in the shadows, waiting and watching the newcomers.

[I would have posted about a month ago, but a major school project came up and I had to forget about this for a while. Please comment, I'd like to know if you think the story's headed in the right direction!]

4: Capture and Research

The silence around Crowe seemed to act as an amplifier, sharpening the tension of his situation. The butt of the converted rifle he got from Jack was flush against his shoulder, and the stock was supporting his cheek. The tree he was sitting in provided shade, but that did not stop the sweat from crawling down his forehead. He had been spending the last two minutes taking aim at an oversized rat. It was a deep purple in color on top, and was bleached white on the bottom. Its long tail curled at the end, and its teeth looked like they could inflict a serious wound. Crowe wondered why its outrageous color scheme had not been weeded out of the gene pool long ago by natural selection, but he set that thought aside and focused only on capturing it. When he was positive that the cross hairs met the thing perfectly, he pulled the trigger. The gun's battery flashed like a camera's bulb, and a beam of red light shot forth from the barrel, striking the rat with unexpected precision. The light seemed to envelop the creature, and it minimized. When it had completely disappeared, Crowe lowered the gun. He looked at the containing ball, and found that the top half was now lit red. He assumed that this meant the thing was caught, and removed the ball from its slot. He then climbed down the tree and returned to the lab.

The rat-like animal was sleeping in a cage, apparently not too bothered by the sudden change in its environment. It was getting to be late evening, and Crowe was ready to call it quits. He had been studying the rat's gene sequence, and had been noting similarities between it and the sequence of the now extinct animal he had found not too long ago. Scientifically, neither of the two animals had a name, seeing as there was no real way for them to be classified. The temporary name "Mew" had been given to the first one Crowe had found, though Emma found it disturbing that it be named after its dying noise. Crowe was wondering what they should name the rat when Emma suddenly came into the tent. "Has it made a good transition?"

Crowe waited a few seconds to reply, keeping his eyes on his work, "Yeah, it's been pretty quiet. But here, take a look at this."

Emma walked over to Crowe's table, and looked at the notes he was taking. "Single helix, just like Mew."

"And that's not all, from what I can tell, this guy's gene sequence is the entirety of Mew's plus a little extra. Look, the first 99.998% is exactly the same."

"That has to be a mistake."

"I'll run the test again tomorrow."

*****

The tests that Crowe took several times early the next day confirmed one thing—it was not a mistake. The rat was literally Mew plus a little extra. On that same day, Crowe also managed to capture another animal, a bird around the size of an owl but physically more similar to a pigeon. Specifically, it was one foot high, brown in color, and had a beak best suited to eating insects. The DNA test Crowe took showed that this bird shared the rat's similarity to Mew. It had Mew's complete genetic code, but also a section afterwards modifying what had previously been defined. Its DNA was also in the telltale single helix. Crowe found something slightly unnerving about the bird, which Emma had affectionately named "Pidgey." This unnerving trait was that it would keep a constant stare pointed at him, as if fascinated by whatever it was he was working on. Emma's explanation for this anomalous behavior was that perhaps Pidgey was a bit fond of Crowe; however he silently dismissed this theory on the grounds that no animal in the world had any genuine feelings.

That evening, Crowe ran a new experiment. It had long been accepted that early life began in the primordial soup, a liquid containing the main ingredients for a cell. Crowe was reversing a small flesh sample from Pidgey (retrieved in a completely humane way, of course) to try and create something similar to the primordial soup. This method was the most efficient way known of finding out the basic composition of a particular cell. When the sample was prepared, Crowe began to run various tests. He found nothing particularly interesting until the conductivity test. While it was apparent that current was flowing from the positive terminal, nothing was being received on the other end. This put Crowe unreasonably ill at ease, and he inspected the negative terminal to try and spot any obvious problems. Not seeing anything, he decided it would be safest to remove the tips of the wires. He stared at the stuff for about a minute with a concerned look on his face, and finally picked up a generic metal probe. He moved the steel tip slowly towards the sample, his hand shaking with an instinctive fear of the unknown. When the probe finally came within a few millimeters of the soup, Crowe felt a prick of electricity as the tool acted as a wire for the newly formed liquid battery. He dropped it quickly, breathing heavily from surprise. He turned his gaze quickly to Pidgey, who was apparently startled by his reaction. It was at that moment that he heard a faint call on his hand radio. "Dr. Crowe…Are you there?"

It was one of the lesser Silph workers. Crowe, being eager for an opportunity to get his mind off of Pidgey's possible electrical property, picked up the radio quickly. "Yeah, need something?"

"Keep your voice down…we're observing the first interaction we've seen between two different species."

"What are they? And what are they doing?"

"One of them appears to be one of the rats you captured earlier, and the other looks like some sort of bipedal lizard, but there's something you should know about it."

"What?"

"The lizard's tail appears to be on fire."

"Don't put it out; we want as little outside intervention as possible."

"You don't understand, let me finish. The lizard hardly seems to notice the flame, in fact, it's almost like the fire's supposed to be there!"

"I'll be right over."

One feels this fic needs more attention - as it makes for quite an interesting read.

Overall it is very well written - the concept in quite different and intriguing - and well thought out and delivered thus far. Haven't really read that many fics set 'in the real world', so to speak, with a different UN to the one we normally know, and with Pokemon seemingly undiscovered until now.
Description is decent, and the pacing is steady as well, but I fell the plot and the various ideas having to do with it are the highlight of your work thus far.

Now some critique, as I often have the sort- most of it is minor however. :) Although the events you give usually happen at a ncie steady pace, sometimes it jumps ahead a bit with a lack of occurances inbetween. For instance, a part from the last chapter:

He looked at the containing ball, and found that the top half was now lit red. [FONT=' mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma]He assumed that this meant the thing was caught, and removed the ball from its slot. He then climbed down the tree and returned to the lab.
The rat-like animal was sleeping in a cage, apparently not too bothered by the sudden change in its environment

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In the first part, you have had the Rattata (yet named) into the 'Pokeball of sorts', and when Crowe returns, the rat is already in the cage. That's one minor sort of a 'jump' that you do - another is the paragraph that starts off talking about Crowe'snot talking to Emma, and so forth - a few events start to jump out suddenly in a time-leap, instead of occuring smoothly one after the other.

Also, with paragraphs, you can shorten up a far few of them - chop them up and separate into smaller paragraphs, as it does get a bit hard to read the longer ones. Stories on the internet are harder to read than books.

To put it short, Crowe hated the UN. This was regarded as odd by some, because he (officially speaking) worked for them.

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'To put it short' does work, but better is 'to put in shortly', or 'in short'.
Suggest a comma after 'he' and the closing bracket for a slight pause - there are a few (but not manny) instances in which your fic could use a comma to make a pause.

"Excellent, report back when you get the chance."

Crowe reconnected his radio's wires to their original positions and said, "This is Crowe. Sorry about the silence, I ran into a bit of interference.

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Another small occurance of the 'jump ahead' - could have mentioned that he signed off with his conversation with Silph, or have a tad more 'padded' part about him changing the wires after signing off or something - minor however. That part did move a tad quicker than the surrounding parts though.

"That won't be happening," Crowe replied coldly. Emma looked up at his eyes, as if dreading something.

"The UN already passed a bill. I'm going to be burning the place in six months."

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Bugger. Like the whole dilemma developing, and the plan that follows - you have a really strong plot.

The crew, consisting of some 30 people, had to make sure that they could get off the boat and transport all of their equipment to the island as quickly as possible.

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Also minor, but with numbers, you write out any that are less than a hundred (e.g. thrity over 30).

There were some strange devices in a box that Norwood had marked "fragile," and they came with a note.

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With signs and the such, refrain from using quotation marks as they are for dialogue rather than signs - do something like this for instance - 'sign message'.

He had been spending the last two minutes taking aim at an over sized rat.

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Oversized as one word, rather than two.

Not much wrong with it at all though - overall you have a pretty good story going there, that is more or less solid and with a well executed plot - mostly just make sure not to have those small time jumps, and no large paragraphs that go for ten lines for presentation - two half of that size is fine. Keep it up!

Thanks for the advice, it'll really come in handy when I write the next chapter, which should be in around a week or less.

Alright, 301 views!

It is a great story so far and I like how you made the UN an evil organization instead of the incompetent one we know.

5: Confrontation

Crowe quickly turned off his radio and grabbed the containment gun, having completely forgotten about what he was doing earlier. He ran from the tent, being as fast and quiet as possible. There was some adrenaline unlike any that he had experienced in years flowing through his veins, making it even harder for him to remain composed. When he reached the tall grass, he bent down to limit his visibility, and set out to find his companions and the new life form. It wasn't long until he found them, and saw the lizard that had been described to him. Its tail did indeed have a steady flame flowing from it, which seemed appropriate for an animal colored a deep shade of crimson.

In the call, Crowe had been informed that this lizard was interacting with one of the rats, but by this point there was hardly any rat left for the lizard to interact with. It was a gruesome spectacle, but Crowe was used to seeing this kind of predator-prey relationship in nature. One thing he did find slightly disturbing was how the deceased rat's blood blended in with the lizard's skin tone. However, Crowe was still fascinated with the sight in general. This lizard was reminiscent of the dinosaurs; it stood on two legs and had the same ferocious look in its eyes. There was no chance that Crowe would just let it get away.

Crowe gave a silent signal to one of his comrades, and loaded a white ball into the gun. Then he raised it to the firing position, and took aim. He had to take more haste this time; he didn't know when the lizard would decide to leave its meal. Crowe found his hands shaky, and had trouble getting the crosshairs to line up. And then he was struck with a greater sense of urgency as the lizard apparently started to leave. Gathering all of his concentration, he lined up the gun, and fired.

The red light shot forth and struck the lizard perfectly, covering its entire body. However, this time it was different. It began to minimize, but the process was slow, and unsteady. Just when it looked like it would be caught permanently, it became large again and the light disappeared. The lizard let out a terrible and angry roar, turned on its heels, and charged at the first person it saw. This person was the Silph worker who had called Crowe over, and he was tackled to the ground with hardly a struggle.

Crowe heard a painful cry as the lizard bit into the worker's shoulder, and then he decided to do something that he might regret later. He removed from his jacket pocket a certain object that he hadn't dared to show anyone. He knew that most of them would tolerate the fire suit, but he didn't trust them to allow him to bring a pistol. The small gun was already loaded, so all Crowe had to do was flip off the safety and fire. There was a sharp exploding noise, and Crowe felt the kick from the gun jostle his unsteady hand. The shot grazed the lizard's back, drawing some blood but not disabling it in any way.

The creature roared again and began to charge straight towards Crowe. He continued to shoot, firing four times and missing each one as the thing drew closer. Just as it dived for his neck, Crowe agilely stepped aside. He turned around and found the thing charging at him again. He raised his leg, and delivered a kick to its chest as it jumped at him. Unfortunately, the recoil sent him falling as well. He started to get up as quickly as he could, but the lizard proved to be faster. It tackled Crowe to the ground, and would have bitten his neck if he hadn't grabbed its own. As long as his arm remained fully extended he had the range to prevent the lizard from using its jaws or claws, but he was tiring quickly. His arm began to quake. Sweat rolled down his forehead. The gun was still in his other hand, and he slowly prepared to use his final shot. He had to be sure to get it right, but his hand was far too unreliable for accuracy. It was a now or never situation. He did not question his morality, only whether he could be sure to kill it. In that final instant, Crowe made the decision to fire.

He didn't need to. One of the Silph workers pacified the lizard by falling on it with a chain-linked net, and succeeded in knocking it off of Crowe. The net only covered most of the tail, but almost seemed to snuff its flame. The lizard gave a shrill cry, more in shock than in anger. It quickly retracted its tail and ran off into the woods. Crowe slowly stood up, panting hard and aching all over. He had trouble getting his eyes to focus, but when he did he instinctively surveyed the scene around him. Two Silph members were carrying off the one who was injured, and several others were rushing over to see what had happened. Among them was Emma, who ran to Crowe to see if he was OK. Before she asked him, she noticed the pistol in his hand, and stopped instantly. Crowe wanted to say something, maybe just an excuse. He couldn't. There was a silence. He was exhausted, and she was struck dumb by the idea of Crowe trying to kill an animal that they were meant to be researching. The silence lasted much longer than Crowe hoped it would, and it was only ended when Pallet informed him that Norwood was on the radio. Crowe rushed off, eager to get his mind off of what had possibly been the most awkward moment of his entire life.

Ok, first thing first - don't upsize the font, it doesn't quite help either, and makes paragraphs seem even larger.

Overall, ok there - interesting events, and indeed an awkard stituation for Crowe after the battle. :) The 'battle' was done well, but I would have liked to have seen some more reactions of Crowe and the other people there. And Crowe didn't seem all that affect by the battle after it ran off...

Also - the sentence length here was rather similar all of a sudden, making it feel like a list, albeilt detailed. Mix it up more - some longer or shorter sentences in places, like you did in other chapters, to break it up every so often.

Still, not bad - a little short and quick, but all right. Keep it up!

And one other thing I need to quote by someone else:

It is a great story so far and I like how you made the UN an evil organization instead of the incompetent one we know.

Click to expand...

WIN! :)

I have to agree with bobandbill with his view of the chapter. However I found nothing wrong with the font. Also thank you bobandbill for quoting me with regards to my UN comments.

The first chapter is wicked good! No insults or anything on that line! Hopefully you become an awesome author, icomeanon6! :)

Well, you asked me to review this, but there was nothing I could really find that was wrong. It seems that you smoothed down the chapters quite a bit before posting them, or edited them after posting. Either way, nice job. I'll take a look at the next chapter that you post.

6: A Consequential Decision

Crowe entered the encampment that he had come to call a town, and didn't seem to notice the stares that he gathered. Everything was in a haze, his mind was simply an amalgamation of distracting emotions and thoughts, and he almost forgot that he was supposed to be heading to the communications tent. He completely forgot that he was still holding the firearm. By this point almost everyone in the crew knew of his previously well guarded secret. Around five seconds before he realized it, he arrived at the tent where Norwood was waiting to speak with him. As he walked in he stopped suddenly, and stared at the radio. Logic told him that it was just an object, and nothing that he should be personifying. However, his mind's eye told him that it was a person, that it was Norwood sitting in the corner, with an atmosphere of frustration and disappointment hanging about him. And sure enough, when Crowe put on the headset, words of that exact mood came forth.

"Why don't you take a few deep breaths and tell me what the hell you've been doing over there?"

Crowe stared at the radio, and saw Norwood more clearly. Somehow, he knew exactly what his partner and friend must have looked like at that moment. He could tell that Norwood had a cross face, with brows at a slight angle. And yet, it didn't convey anger as much as it did a feeling that Crowe had let him down.

"Well, there was a sighting of a reptile on the border of the forest…"

"I heard about that. Tell me about what you did. Pallet mentioned that he heard gunfire."

He already knew. Crowe had to recognize that Norwood was too smart to not already know. Crowe made his response with heavy pauses between sentences, weighed down by the shame he felt.

"I failed to capture it with the equipment you sent me. It went into a rage and attacked one of your guys. I think his name was Rivera, but I'm not sure. I took out a pistol that I had smuggled, and shot at it. It wasn't seriously injured and retreated into the woods after I struggled with it."

Norwood waited a few seconds before responding, as if to give Crowe time to think more carefully about his words and actions.

"I see."

There was another pause that made Crowe feel even worse. He felt like a child who had just been found out for committing some forbidden action at home or school and was explaining himself to an adult. He felt even worse because of how calm and quiet Norwood was being. Crowe wasn't sure if he was supposed to say something else, but fortunately Norwood did.

"Why did you bring it?"

"I brought it for that exact kind of situation. I made a promise to myself early on. I said that if I ever had to make a decision between an animal and a human, I'd have no trouble making it."

"Were you shooting to kill?"

"I don't remember. It was too fast. It was almost instinctive."

Crowe heard Norwood let out a low and long sigh, which he followed with a response.
"Go lie down for a few hours. We'll discuss later what to do."

*****

Five hours had past, and Crowe was standing at the edge of the ocean. He was observing at just the right time for the sun to hit the horizon in such a way as to light the sky on fire. Beams of color painted the surroundings in the most brilliant of tones, which gave Crowe an excuse to be distracted if only for a while. He, Norwood, and Pallet had made the decision, and Crowe had to begin carrying it out in a few minutes. He heard footsteps coming from behind, the light pacing told him that they probably came from a female. He had a guess as to whose they were, but he didn't want to admit it. However, when the footsteps stopped and a voice replaced them, he had to face his suspicion.

"I…wanted to apologize for the misunderstanding earlier. I don't think you were at fault for bringing a gun."

Crowe was surprised to hear Emma say words of that kind. Of all people, Dr. Emma Henderson was the one whom Crowe would have expected to take the reptile's side. He thought she would be angry at how he had brought such a weapon, and that she would scold him for bringing an object that implied intent to kill the animals that he was researching.

"In that case, why were you so upset about the fire suit?"

The calm sound of the waves made the tone of this conversation seem lighter than the one Crowe had with Norwood earlier. Emma took a few steps closer to Crowe, and stood beside him.

"I'm not upset about the pistol because you attacked that animal to save Rivera. I understand that sometimes you need to remove individual beings for the sake of something more important. The suit is different. You brought it for yourself only. With the gun, you could remove a problem. With the suit, you could do nothing but destroy everything that we are trying to do here."

"So, you're telling me that I'm being selfish."

"Well…yes. I guess I am."

Crowe looked at Emma, and their eyes met. Her eyes seemed deep with understanding, as if she wanted to help. Crowe was unused to seeing her like this; he was always of the impression that she cared about animals and nothing else. And yet, it seemed at that moment that she cared about him, too. Crowe wanted to find something personal to say to her, but he couldn't.

"I have to go."

He picked up the backpack that had been resting at his feet, slung it and the capturing gun over his shoulder, put a containing ball in his pocket, and started to walk off. The way eastward was dark, in sharp contrast with the fading but still beautiful light behind him. When he was about 10 yards away, Emma spoke again.

"Goodbye."

Crowe did not know how to interpret her speech. Was she being speaking to him as a friend, or was she implying that she didn't think he would ever return? Was it rather a combination of both? Crowe couldn't decide, and didn't want to ask.

*****

In a matter of minutes, Crowe reached the edge of the forest. He found some footsteps that the reptile had taken, as well as the blood stained in them. He took out a device from his bag, and used it to scan the footstep and take a sample of the life-bearing liquid. This device was of Norwood's design, and was the only one of its kind. It could track almost any being with almost no chance of inaccuracy. Crowe looked at the readout, analyzed it, and took the course into the forest that it described. He had promised Norwood that he would amend his mistake, and he had promised himself not to come out of the woods without the same reptile captured.

I enjoy this story - I really do. It's a great concept for the world of pokemon to meet our world in the future. One thing I can suggest to make it better is only indirectly related to the story - make the table of contents link to your posts of those chapters. XD;

Also, the story is a little weak on imagery, I think. It's not that we don't know what's there, as you do explicitly tell us, but it's a case of showing vs. telling: more imagery could definitely help this story.

But still, a novel (this is what I want to say, but after watching Yes Minister it seems like an insult, which is not my intention XD) concept and a great read. Keep it up. ^_^

Your fanfic is awsome. :]

gosh that was cool and long it was very entertaining

I just read the latest chapter and was impressed by it.