Love comes before fame

Chapter 1
[Kayla's Point of view, or POV]
I woke up this morning in my room on my bed, only to see my little sister, Aura, in my face. She was shoving something familiar up in my face. I immediately snatched it away and looked at them. I observed them for a while, only to find they were concert tickets. I looked at the small print on them. I almost screamed when I saw they were Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Aura smiled. Aura, my little sister, is 3 years old. She is strangely already a bit good at speaking.
"Kawya happy? Yay! I go wif you?" She asked me. I smiled.
"Maybe, Aura, maybe. You can only go…if you be nice to me until the date it's on," I told her. Aura looked disappointed.
"When, sissy, when?" She asked me, jumping up and down.
I squinted my eyes hard and then saw when. Tomorrow.
I smiled. "Tomorrow. So you only have to be nice to me for a day," I told her.
She jumped up and down again. She clapped her hands.
"Yay! I so excited Kawya!" She yelled. I put my hand over her mouth.
"Shhh!" I hissed. She nodded doing it quietly now. I got up, going in the kitchen to get some breakfast. I also have a big sister, Emily, who's 15. She acts like she's the queen of the world. She pretends to hate Justin Bieber, but I know she secretly likes him. I saw her secret stash of merchandise of him in her closet hidden deeply. Emily was on the Internet. I peered over her shoulder to see what she was doing. She was looking up Justin Bieber songs. Typical. I mean I like Justin Bieber enough to meet him, but not so much that I would love him or something. I decided to eat some cheerios. I got out the box, got a bowl, some milk and poured my cereal in the bowl, then my milk. I put the cereal box up, the milk up and I then got a spoon.
I started munching on my cheerios when Emily came up to me.
"Ahem!" She cleared her throat. "Don't you have something to say to me?"
I gave her a glare, then smiled. "Oh, yeah. Go away," I said. Emily sighed. "No. I got you those Justin Beaver tickets," She growled, making fun of his last name.
I rolled my eyes at her poking fun of Justin routine. She made fun of him basically every morning.
"Fine. Thank you," I said it in a rude and sarcastic tone. Today was Friday; but no school. My mom and dad were on a business trip so Emily was taking care of Aura and I. She couldn't drive yet, we didn't have a bus in this district, and it was too far to walk. So we automatically didn't have to go to school.
I went in my room and turned on my laptop, going on Twitter. I had posted a Twitter comment a few days ago saying, "I hope Justin Bieber would follow me, but I doubt he'll ever notice."
My username was KaylaBieberxx. I saw he had replied to it. I almost lost my breath when I saw what he said.
He had replied back like this, "@KaylaBieberxx: I hope Justin Bieber would follow me, but I doubt he'll ever notice= J Hi! Welcome to the club!" I chuckled.
I posted on Twitter, saying a thank you note to Justin. "@justinbieber: Thank you so much for following me, Justin! I really appreciate it! J"
And then I closed out the window, and turned my laptop off, closing the top. I decided to walk around my neighborhood, maybe even go to Starbucks. I got dressed in a purple t-shirt with blue jeans and Purple vans. I brushed my hair in a curvy, yet straight wave and I then was on my way out. I knew Emily wouldn't care where I was as long as I was away from her. I looked around for a local Starbucks. I bumped into someone. The person looked extremely familiar though.
"Oh, um, I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, truly sincerely meaning it. The person just smiled.
"It's okay. Um…can I show you something?" The person asked me. I just nodded, the voice even sounded familiar. We were in a back alley near my house. Well, actually, it was right next to it. The person was wearing a hat, sunglasses and many things that wouldn't allow me to see his face. He took the sunglasses off, allowing me to see hazel brown eyes. He took the hat off, allowing me to see brown, cute, wavy hair. I then immediately realized who it was.
"Oh gosh," I squealed quietly. "I-it's…J-Justin Bieber!" I said it extremely quietly so no one could hear me. He chuckled a little.
"U-um…do you want to come into my house?" I asked him. He smiled and nodded. I led him into my house, and let him sit on the couch. Emily and Aura were gone. They left a note saying, "Went to gas station. Don't know when we'll be back."
I smiled. Perfect. Alone time…with a celebrity.
I sat next to him and he tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. He smiled.
"H-has. Anyone told you…. you're a very beautiful girl?" He asked me. I blushed deep red.
"N-no…to be honest, you're the first person to tell me that," I admitted. Tears started running down my face. Everyone made fun of me at school…. because I covered myself up. I covered my arms and legs and anything I could cover. Justin noticed I was crying. He wiped a tear off my face.
"Don't cry…" He told me. "By the way, I never got your name. What is it?"
I trembled while speaking. "It's…I-it's Kayla…. Kayla Burns," I trembled.
He frowned. "Why are you crying?" He asked me.
I sighed. I turned away. "You'll laugh at me…" I sighed. He turned me towards him. "No, I won't," He said. He seemed like he would mean it.
"F-fine…I. I'm crying…. because you said I was beautiful…. and everyone at my school makes fun of me…. because I cover myself up," I admitted.
He was puzzled. "Why do you cover yourself up?" He asked me.
I sighed. I pulled my sleeves up to reveal tons of cuts on my arms.
Justin looked shocked. "W-why, Kayla…? Why do you cut yourself?" He asked me.
"Because…. my parents are having financial problems and relationship problems…and I cut myself…. to cope with my problems," I revealed.
He looked up into my eyes and I looked up into his. He closed his eyes and leaned over. Oh gosh, was the famous Justin Bieber…. about to kiss ME; a small town girl?
I just decided to go with it. I leaned over and he gave me a rough, yet soft kiss on the lips. He broke the kiss, though.
He turned away, blushing.
"U-um…. sorry," He said. I smiled. "I-it's fine. But…. why did you kiss me?" I asked him.
He sighed turning back to me. "Because…. I felt bad for you, for all your problems and cutting yourself. But please…make me a promise, Kayla Burns," He told me. I nodded, looking into his mesmerizing eyes.
He sighed. "Please…don't…cut yourself anymore," He told me. I nodded. "Alright. I promise." And I gave him a kiss on the lips again. He kissed back smiling in between. A few minutes later we finished the kiss.
"But you can't tell Scooter about this. Don't tell my manager, please…he would kill me if he found out!" He told me. I nodded.
"No problem, Justin…." I said. "I, guess…I'll see you at the concert tomorrow then." He smiled.
"Yeah. Um see you then, Kayla," He said and started to walk away. I then remembered something.
"Wait, Justin!" I called out. He heard me. He turned towards me and I saw his face was red. Was he…crying? I felt a wet drop on my head. I looked up and saw it was raining. He was right next to me, our faces inches apart.
"Justin…. were you crying?" I asked him. He sighed. "Yes," He admitted. Why would he be crying, though…?
"Why…would you be crying?" I asked him. He sighed. "Because…. I'll never get to be with you. If…Scooter sees me with you…he will…fire me from singing…and I don't want that to happen," He told me.
I sighed as the rain pelted onto my hair and made my hair damp and soggy. Justin put a lock of my hair behind my ear and smiled.
"But, you know…we can always secretly dat-" He started to say but I gave him a rough, smooth kiss on the lips and put my arms around his neck. He kissed back just as rough, but like mine, in a way it was smooth to my lips.
We both let go, and Justin put his arm around my shoulder, and we started to walk back to his house.
Chapter 2
[Kayla's POV]
When we were back at the house, I looked around and noticed it was empty. I laughed. "Why's the house so empty, Biebs?" I asked him. He smiled and turned to me.
"Well, for one, I have a tour, so I can't go. And, I have other things on hand too, you know…" He answered, chuckling. "And by other things…I mean you." He put one of his hands on my waist and kissed me on the cheek. I blushed. I still wasn't used to Justin…being my boyfriend.
"Justin, does this mean were dating now?" I asked him when we were on his couch. He chuckled.
"I guess so. Why? You don't like it?" He joked. I laughed.
"I love it Justin. But the only thing I'm worried about is Scooter finding out. You said…you would get fired if he finds out," I told him. He laid back and put an arm around my shoulder.
"Well…to be honest…I haven't really being doing my job lately. Because of you, but that's good. Then I get to spend more time with you," He said. I smiled and stroked his neck. He played with my hair and kissed me on the lips roughly. I kissed back, matching pace with him. We kissed more and he pushed me against the wall, kissing me until I was out of breath. I sighed and blushed. "J-Justin…. I love you," I said. He smiled.
"I love you too, Kayla," I said back. We sighed. "So what do you want to do now?" I asked him.
He shrugged. "Maybe we can go to the mall or something," He said. I smiled and grabbed his arm. "Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!" And I started running out of the house.
"Wait…Justin…how are we going to get there?" I asked him. He chuckled. "Oh…you'll see," He said. He brought up a car, probably stolen.
"Is that stolen, Justin?" I asked hi. He chuckled a little.
"No, it isn't. It's my brother, Ryan's. He said I can use it while him and the rest of my family are gone," He told me. We got in the car and started driving towards the mall, not knowing what was going to happen next.
When we were in the mall, I saw tons of girls, about to run towards Justin and I. Justin stopped them just in time. "Woah, woah, woah, girls. There's enough Justin for all of you," He told them. Pfft, what a charmer. After he was done signing their autographs, (that's what they wanted sorry I didn't mention it) we walked into the mall and I saw an Abercrombie store. I squealed with delight and dragged Justin in there. Obviously, it was for girls so he didn't wanna go in there. I laughed and looked around for some clothes to buy. Hmm, what to choose what to choose...
I was just about to buy my clothes when a shadow leaped over me, and dragged me elsewhere. I screamed for help, but he covered my mouth. Apparently, Justin was gone. The shadow dragged me out of the mall, and found a back alley nearby the mall. IT shoved me in there. I saw it was nighttime and it started unbuttoning my shirt.
[Kayla's POV]
I growled and kicked the shadow off of me, only to see it was...Justin. I started to cry. Oh...dear. This was certainly an awkward situation. Justin turned to me, his face blushing red.
"Uh..." was all he said. I buttoned my shirt back up and sighed. "Justin, um...you know...I..I'm not ready for that yet."
He sighed. "O-okay. I understand," He said. He smiled, and his face was no longer red. He grabbed my hand and we both started to walk back to the car. He pressed the unlock button on his car and we went inside of it and he drove me home.
My thoughts: Why did Justin do that...? Does...he love me so much....he did that to me? When we were back in the house, I sighed, plopped myself down on the couch and went to sleep.
The next morning when I woke up, Justin was sleeping next to me, his arms wrapped around me. I giggled. Justin was so cute when he was asleep. I slowly took his arms off of me and got up from the couch. I saw it was 7:00 A.M. i sighed and saw Justin woke up.
"Justin..." I mumbled, "Go back to sleep, it...it's 7:00." Justin smiled. "I'm not going to sleep by myself." He laughed. Then I laughed, "Oh, does little Bieber need me to sleep with him?" I joked. He smiled and wrapped his arms around me. "So, how did you sleep?" He asked me.
I smiled. "I slept good," I old him. "But only because you were there." He laughed. He kissed me on the forehead and then let his arms off of me.
"So...you wanna do something else today?" He asked me, chuckling.
I ignored the chuckling, "Like what?" He grabbed my arm and smiled, "you'll see." was all he said before we started driving to this unknown place.

The Thunderstorm: Sgt-Shock's Review

Love Comes Before Fame by Shadow_Angel

I suppose an introduction is needed. I am Sgt-Shock, resident fan fiction/hopeful fantasy writer, and I will be reviewing your story Love Comes Before Fame. Good thing to keep in mind throughout this entire review is that I'm not trying to bully you in anyway. In fact, I am trying to help you by pointing out mistakes. Believe it or not, I think everyone was at this point at one time or another. I'm going to address many of your problems with pure honesty. Just because I rip through your story doesn't mean that you should stop writing It is the simple fact of being a writer to take and give criticism. I wouldn't expect anything less if I was receiving this review myself. With this introduction done, read with caution and keep yourself hydrated (that was a joke) because this is going to be a long one.

Formatting is important. It is tedious to do on a forum, yes. But, that doesn't mean you can avoid it all together. Wall-of-texts burns the eyes. Space out your paragraphs. Other reviewers have probably pointed this out already. No one likes bad formatted works. It's an instant turn-off. Split your chapters up in separate post. Post one to two stories at a time. Work on them for quality, not quantity. Proofread. These are just the basics.

To begin, your concept is truly weak (Not to mention that the concept has happened in almost all nine or so stories that you have written). There is no avoiding that. It has no depth whatever to even be considered something anyone what to read. That was harsh. I know. But truly, I don't see any structural work at all. The entire beginning paragraph was completely awful. I have reasons to back this up. This is basically what happened in your first paragraph:

• · I woke up
• · Sister has Bieber Tickets
• · I swoon
• · I have breakfast

Truly, I can't figure out a person who would want to read that. Would you want to pick up a book in school and it entails that content? I wouldn't think so. With that said, the writing itself was executed poorly. First person points of views are tricky enough as it is. You have to show the story in their eyes with their thoughts and their feelings wrapped in the narration. Honestly, I didn't get any insight on her character what-so-ever aside from Justin Bieber.

There was times where you not only jumped from one topic to another; you did a completely leap of faith back and forth from one to another. Your paragraphs are meant to split thoughts together in groups. One paragraph talks about one thing—you flow to the next. Paragraphs are essentially groups of sentences with similar thoughts. Let's take this paragraph in particular:

"Shhh!" I hissed. She nodded doing it quietly now. I got up, going in the kitchen to get some breakfast. I also have a big sister, Emily, who's 15. She acts like she's the queen of the world. She pretends to hate Justin Bieber, but I know she secretly likes him. I saw her secret stash of merchandise of him in her closet hidden deeply. Emily was on the Internet. I peered over her shoulder to see what she was doing. She was looking up Justin Bieber songs. Typical. I mean I like Justin Bieber enough to meet him, but not so much that I would love him or something. I decided to eat some cheerios. I got out the box, got a bowl, some milk and poured my cereal in the bowl, then my milk. I put the cereal box up, the milk up and I then got a spoon.
I started munching on my cheerios when Emily came up to me.

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You went from going breakfast, telling us randomly you had a sister, talking about your sister, talking about how you like Justin Bieber but not enough to love him, and back to breakfast. That is something that writers wouldn't do. It's just horrible and confusing. You introduced Emily out of complete nowhere. You were talking about breakfast in then EMILY. It's not appealing. There is something called flow within a writing.

· Shock's Definition of Flow: Flow in writing is connecting thoughts smoothly from one point to another. It reduces choppiness and creates a sense of order in the piece. In layman's terms, making one thing go well with the next.

Achieving flow isn't as hard as it sounds. It's basically connecting the dots. Does the end of the sentence of the last paragraph connect smoothly to the beginning of the next? That's something that you have to ask yourself until it becomes natural. With that explanation done, work on that. We will be moving on the next concept that is probably harshest thing I slam you for—characters.

You can ask anyone that I know. Character development is my biggest pet peeve. Your characters have no character. Let's begin with Kayla. The personality that you created for her has no interesting feature what so ever. She likes Justin Bieber. She's rude and sarcastic to her sister. She likes Justin Bieber. She has depression issues. She loves Justin Bieber. I found myself internally screaming in my head. Her character is flat.

· Definition of a Flat Character: A flat character is a character that basically seen one way throughout the entire duration. These characters have no personality. Thusly, the reader tires of them easily.

Add depth to her character. Make her dialogue (as well as her sister's dialogue...) important.

Common mistake, do not stop narration just to tell me what you are wearing or how you look like. It is possible to explain what they are wearing while still keeping the reader's attention.

"I got dressed in a purple t-shirt with blue jeans and Purple vans. (Side Note: Purple is not a proper noun. Vans, on the other hand because it is a brand, is a proper noun). I brushed my hair in a curvy, yet straight wave (Curvy yet straight. Is that an oxymoron somehow) and I then was on my way out.

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The fact that she was wearing a purple t-shirt, blue jeans, and purple Vans doesn't appeal to me. Yes. It is nice to see what they are wearing. But, you need to smoothly integrate it within story. Make your character interact with their clothes in some way to progress the storyline while getting your point across.

We are now going to talk about the terms of how your character met Justin Bieber." I'm going to Starbucks. I'm bump into a guy. WAIT. It's Justin Bieber. Want to come to my house, Justin?" That doesn't make sense…at all. Completely fantasy, probably.

Then we go on to the fact you are suddenly alone in the house with Justin Bieber. Emily and Aura suddenly just goes off to a gas station…an unlimited amount of time. That was plot convenience. We proceed to you talking Justin Bieber on a suddenly romantic level—revealing everything about yourself. You guys kiss. All your problems were quelled by this famous boy kissing you. Not to mention it was the most cliché raining kiss seen I've read in a while. Raining-kiss scenes can be good if executed correctly. That just wasn't it.

It's just not good literature to read. Your character is completely unrealistic. The fact that Justin Bieber just fell in love with Kayla out of nowhere was Mary Sue. I'm going to avoid explaining Mary Sue because someone without a doubt has probably explained it to you. Your characters needs some work. Your story telling needs some work.

In conclusion, your work isn't something that I would recommend anyone to read. I've read your work just to get the work of your style. Improvement is differently needed. There are plenty of writers on this site that are great at what they do. It's nice that you write on your spare time. Not a lot of people pick up this talent. Yet, you need to learn and practice on a level beyond what you have given us thus far. It is coming off as childish and underdeveloped. Just because you write a lot doesn't mean it is done well.

I am going to avoid the second chapter all together. Let's say that was….awkward. Work hard and try to avoid using celebrities in your work. It's not charming at all. Think of your own characters to revolve a storyline around. Avoid using yourself as the basis for a storyline. Work to become a better writer.

Thanks for your review. I will try to do better at writing, and make the dialouge better and the plots.

I just have to get three things off my chest, (comic relief, really)

Shadow_Angel said:

I bumped into someone. The person looked extremely familiar though.

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The person was wearing a hat, sunglasses and many things that wouldn't allow me to see his face.

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It may be obvious now

"It's okay. Um…can I show you something?" The person asked me. I just nodded, the voice even sounded familiar. We were in a back alley near my house.

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she followed a cloaked stranger into a back alley. if this wasn't one of your stories i would have thought something horrible would have taken place.

--

Okay, just two more things to help you, use paragraphs online, it is much easier to read.

And also, to avoid unrealistic meetings of a star, try adding some reality to their meeting. Your star is a singer, so maybe the girl has a job at an entertainment center and she meets him there through some fateful events. (okay, still unrealistic, but you know)