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A Hollow Heart Echos..

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104
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13
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    • Seen Feb 24, 2011
    A Hollow Heart Echos..

    Drawing black circles
    Into blue eyes
    In pictures of you

    I won't desecrate your name
    Into a poem
    That doesn't see thru
    The color of your eyes

    I know not the future
    And the present is black
    She has never felt my touch
    And so i do not know
    How gentle she really is

    There is nothing
    That i can say that will
    Rise from the pit of my stomach
    And escape from my faded smile
    To capture her eyes

    Thumbs seperate
    These pictures of you
    Brush over over your cheeks
    Press against your heart
    Tearing apart painful remeinders
    Of broken men in pieces
    Who wept for you
    As the days closed in
    Mumbling sweet nothings
    While I waited

    Now you can see why
    Every shard of my heart
    On the floor
    Still gleaming
    The reflection
    Of your empty presence
    Still breaks my skin
    Every so often.
     

    TJgamer

    A Pokémon Poet
    1,093
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Seen Oct 13, 2021
    If this poem represents what I think it does, I know the feeling very well.

    This is one gorgeous free-verse poem.
    Often I don't appreciate that style of poetry, but this one is different. The description in the strong emotions is wonderful.
    Just a couple spelling fixes here and there, and this poem will be fantastic!
    Excellent work!
     

    bobandbill

    one more time
    16,932
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • It was nice imo as well - nice emotion which was well conveyed throughout the poem, I felt, and it didn't seem too overdone either.

    As said by TJgamer though you should proofread for simple errors as they did distract from the poem itself - for instance:
    That doesn't see thru

    And so i do not know

    Brush over over your cheeks

    Tearing apart painful remeinders
    Rather than thru, I suggest going for 'through; - ie the proper spelling rather than the shorthand one, as otherwise it just distracts and makes it seem almost too casual in word choice. A few times you did not capitalise 'I' such as in that line, 'over' was repeated by accident and 'reminders'. A spell/grammar checker would have picked at least most of those errors, so make sure to employ one as well as a proofread so your story is that much better.

    I also did feel at times that the sentences were broken up too often (such as the last verse in particular) which gave it a too choppy feel imo - might be something to consider. Perhaps merge a few lines together so it can flow better?
     
    104
    Posts
    13
    Years
    • Seen Feb 24, 2011
    Wow, you explained much bobandbill, kudos to you. XD

    Thanks by the way, I'll check it next time.
     
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