the rayquaza tribe

[lvl99rayquaza]

prologue: WAR description
Rayquaza is a lonely pokemon but he has a tribe of pokemon to fight a war with. his tribe is green with yellow crcles on them (no matter what the species is). They have been waring with the mew/mewtwo tribe and the arceus tribe. the war has been bloody and tiresome rayquaza found a queen.
chapter1: a darkrai day
Rayquaza the leader of the rayquaza tribe has become so cold hearted that his skin became black and his circles remained yellow.
"PIKACHU" bellowed rayquaza "COME NOW."
"yes?" asked the pikachu.
"get Darkrai" said rayquaza.
at that moment regular green rayquaza enters the room.
"master" said the rayquaza "darkrai has defected to arceus's tribe."
"my queen" said rayquaza " i know and there is no need to call me master."
suddenly darkrai enters the room.
"TRAITOR" bellowed rayquaza "you shall die here right now."
Rayquaza and his queen charge up a hyper beam.
"No please dont" pleaded Darkrai.
"too late" said Pikachu.
Raquaza and his queen kill darkrai with a blueish hyper beam.
"there" said the female rayquaza "now i need to tend to the eggs."
Suddenly a mew teleports into the room.
"IDIOT'" roared rayquaza "you must have a death wish."
"I challenge you" said mew.
"OUT" bellowed rayquaza "or i will kill you".

 

[Sydian]

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

The prologue was too short, the first chapter was too short, the story makes no sense whatsoever, grammar is horrbile, complete lack of description, and I could go on.

Read stickies in the Lounge. Read Thesis' OT Guide. Read anything that's well written and literate. If you're serious about writing, then you'll read that.

-Silver

 

[lvl99rayquaza]

Chapter 2: mew's vandetta (warning plot twist)
mew uses psychic (a mind blast) on Rayquaza's pikachu advisor.
"master help" pleaded the pikachu.
The pikachu dies due to his brain exploding
"MEW" bellowed rayquaza "you are dead."
Rayquaza unleashes hyper beam but mew teleports to safety.
location: Mew's lair acave with a bunch of pokemon mainly magikarpin a wading pool.
Mew teleports to the lair.
"rayquaza has a castle and his army is huge" said mew "next is arceus who has a smaller army but is planning to take my territory."
location: Arceus's castlelike rayquaza's castle (wait both arceus and rayquaza have a castle hmmmmmmm)
"ah rayquaza" said arceus "you killed darkrai".
"but mew killed pikachu" said Rayquaza "you know that pichu that joined me as my advisor when it learned volt tackle, he used to be a part of your army".
"yes i remember" said arceus "but i am in your army and our alliance is secret darkrai had to be killed to keep the alliance a secret."
"yes" said rayquaza "i know."
location: rayquaza's hatchery
"heh" said mew.
Mew uses psychic on an egg and rayquaza's queen chases mew away.
Chapter 3: Rayquaza's revenge
Rayquaza joins in the chase.
"Mew" roared rayquaza "you are dead."
"up and down up and down i will lead these two fools up and down" said mew.
"ok nice pun mew" said rayquaza "but YOU ARE STILL DEAD."
"mew hang on" said a telepethic voice.
"deoxys" said mew "attack."
rayquaza looks up and sees deoxys.
"huh?" gasped rayquaza.
a hyper beam hits deoxys.
"no it can not be my death now" said deoxys.
deoxys dies.
"Mew" yelled arceus "thats for spying on me."
Rayquaza hyper beams Mew.
Mew escapes for now.
well the ending will be the longest since it wraps everything up but that will be long from now

 

[Sydian]

Chapter 2: mew's vandetta (warning plot twist)

Okay, let me go through this slowly for you.

Try not to post chapters in the same day.

mew uses psychic on Rayquaza's pikachu advisor.

What did Psychic look like? And what did Mew, Pikachu, the Darkrai in the first chapter, Rayquaza, and Rayquaza's queen(what is his queen, for that matter) all look like? You have no description at all. And without description, readers aren't going to have a clue what you're talking about.

"master help" said the pikachu.
The pikachu dies

Pikachu only said? Why did he not beg, plead, call out, whisper, whimper, anything more descriptive? I mean, if you were dying on the floor, what would you do?

Oh wow. great description of Pikachu's death. -sigh- Come on. Just saying 'pikachu dies' isn't going to cut it.

Rayquaza unleashes hyper beam but mew teleports to safety.

What does Hyper Beam look like?

location: Mew's lair

And Mew's lair looks like...?

location: Arceus's castle
"ah rayquaza" said arceus "you killed darkrai".
"but mew killed pikachu" said Rayquaza "you know that pichu that joined me as my advisor when it learned volt tackle, he used to be a part of your army".
"yes i remember" said arceus "but i am in your army and our alliance is secret darkrai had to be killed to keep the alliance a secret."
"yes" said rayquaza "i know."

A little more reason as to why the alliance was kept secret from Darkrai?

location: rayquaza's hatchery
"heh" said mew.
Mew uses psychic on an egg and rayquaza's queen chases mew away.

-facepalm-

Okay, like I just told you, read this. And read this.

I'm trying to help you. Take the advice. Read it. Learn it. Live it. Obey it. Eat it.

-Silver

 

[lvl99rayquaza]

Okay, let me go through this slowly for you.

Try not to post chapters in the same day.



What did Psychic look like? And what did Mew, Pikachu, the Darkrai in the first chapter, Rayquaza, and Rayquaza's queen(what is his queen, for that matter) all look like? You have no description at all. And without description, readers aren't going to have a clue what you're talking about.



Pikachu only said? Why did he not beg, plead, call out, whisper, whimper, anything more descriptive? I mean, if you were dying on the floor, what would you do?

Oh wow. great description of Pikachu's death. -sigh- Come on. Just saying 'pikachu dies' isn't going to cut it.



What does Hyper Beam look like?



And Mew's lair looks like...?



A little more reason as to why the alliance was kept secret from Darkrai?



-facepalm-

Okay, like I just told you, read this. And read this.

I'm trying to help you. Take the advice. Read it. Learn it. Live it. Obey it. Eat it.

-Silver

ok im a rookie at fan fics rayquaza's queen should be obvious she is mentionedin the first chapter she is a rayquaza
mew's lair inside is a cave with pokemon
as for psychic it is a mind blast
the alliance was secret so mew's army wouldnt know
and hyper beam looks like whatit doesin the anime
ok and i will make a better version of this plus pika chu got hit with a powerful mind blast and i will change it so his brain explodes

 

[Sydian]

ok im a rookie at fan fics

That's no excuse, my friend. No excuse whatsoever.

mew's lair inside is a cave with pokemon
as for psychic it is a mind blast
the alliance was secret so mew's army wouldnt know
and hyper beam looks like whatit doesin the anime
ok and i will make a better version of this plus pika chu got hit with a powerful mind blast and i will change it so his brain explodes

Okay then! Apply that into the story!

I already know what the Pokemon look like, but what if someone reading this didn't? That's what I was getting at. Though I had no idea what the lair looked like at all. Nor Arceus' castle.

And on Rayquaza's queen, maybe my mind exploded in the first chapter? Because it tends to do such things.

And also, another thing, when someone new is speaking in the story, hit enter twice, not once.

 

[lvl99rayquaza]

That's no excuse, my friend. No excuse whatsoever.



Okay then! Apply that into the story!

I already know what the Pokemon look like, but what if someone reading this didn't? That's what I was getting at. Though I had no idea what the lair looked like at all. Nor Arceus' castle.

And on Rayquaza's queen, maybe my mind exploded in the first chapter? Because it tends to do such things.

And also, another thing, when someone new is speaking in the story, hit enter twice, not once.

ok im tired right now im trying to get a larvitar on wirless club while doing this you can look for bastidon for larvitar in wireless clud wireless club should not be confused with gts so this is a spare time story plus those two will make a cameo in my next chapter in arceus's army (the fact that iwant to give my bastidon for a larvitar is the reason for the cameo. so yeah i guess ill apply better techniques in chapter four. heck ill make an rpg to go along side this story.

 

[Sydian]

ok im tired right now im trying to get a larvitar on wirless club while doing this you can look for bastidon for larvitar in wireless clud wireless club should not be confused with gts so this is a spare time story

Spare time? -sigh- If this is only in "spare time" and has no effort whatsoever, don't write it. Don't even worry about writing it. You're making up excuses as to why you aren't writing good. Excuses, excuses. They just don't cut it. You make it sound as if writing is a drag and I'm not quite getting why you wrote this in the first place. If you were serious about writing this, you would've worked much harder and it wouldn't have been your 'spare time' activity. Writers write because they want to, not because they have to. And yes, some of us do write in our spare time, but the way you put it, you just make it sound as if it's a hassle.

 

[lvl99rayquaza]

Spare time? -sigh- If this is only in "spare time" and has no effort whatsoever, don't write it. Don't even worry about writing it. You're making up excuses as to why you aren't writing good. Excuses, excuses. They just don't cut it. You make it sound as if writing is a drag and I'm not quite getting why you wrote this in the first place. If you were serious about writing this, you would've worked much harder and it wouldn't have been your 'spare time' activity. Writers write because they want to, not because they have to. And yes, some of us do write in our spare time, but the way you put it, you just make it sound as if it's a hassle.

If you knew me in real life you would know that my writing sucks but my typing is better oh btw i am planning to make this a full time thing

 

[JX Valentine]

If you knew me in real life you would know that my writing sucks but my typing is better oh btw i am planning to make this a full time thing

She's not referring to handwriting versus typing. She's referring to the fact that you're pretty much disregarding a lot of basic rules of the English language and that your storyline and description could use as much improvement.

That and the way you write in real life is irrelevant. You're writing online, so that's really all we have to judge you by. We can't judge you based on what goes on in places we can't see, so there's no possibility for comparison. Hence, it's your job to fix up your writing online because that's all we know about you.

Full review may come soon, but off the bat, I can see there's some oddities that need to be fixed up. For the basics, look over the guides in Writer's Lounge as well as OWL at Purdue to see how you can fix up your typing to make it easier to read. That is, the more mistakes you have in your typing, the more your readers will be tripped up by them, so they won't focus on your story. So, logically, you'll need to proofread before you submit so you have as few mistakes in grammar and spelling as possible. That way, your readers don't get tripped up by something they know doesn't look quite right. (It's a lot like seeing a hot pink bulldog. You really want to ignore the fact that it's hot pink, but you just can't.)

That's, of course, not the only problem, but at the moment, I don't quite have the time to submit a full review. That and I'd like to hear what you have to say about the above. So, I'll come back later.

 

[lvl99rayquaza]

Chapter 4 -The shield pokemon and rock skin pokemon recruits
Rayquaza has sucessfully scared Mew away for now and Arceus killed deoxys with a blue-green hyper beam that had the intensity of so many stars that deoxys could not survive.

"WE WILL BEAT THE MEW/MEWTWO TRIBE" bellowed Rayquaza,"IF MEW APPEARS HERE AGAIN KILL HIM."

"We would like to help" said a mysterious voice.

"Show Yourself" said rayquaza "NOW."
Rayquaza then summons a Luxray to find out who the mysterious voice came from.

"Time to put my species to the test" said Luxray.
Luxray's eyes turn crimson red as his targets try to stay mysterious by playing a game of cat and mouse. "you can not hide forever" said Luxray, :I can spot my prey if it is hiding behind a building."

"YEAH WELL I EVOLVE FROM SHIELDON" said a second mysterious voice.

"Ah the shild pokemon Bastidon" said Luxra, "I also presume that your friend is a larvitar because we were expecting a larvitar and a bastidon."

"How did you know we were coming?" asked the first mysterious voice.

"Because we have an alakazam" replied Luxray, "He is wise and he recently evolved from a kadabra, he is Rayquaza's new advisor."
Suddenly a larvitar and a bastidon appear from the shadows and the bastidon bows down to rayquaza while the larvitar kneels down for rayquaza.

"YOU SHALL JOIN" bellowed rayquaza.
Thus begins the recruitment war between the three tribes. Rayquaza and Arceus will beworking over time to getnew recruits for their army and Mew will probably recruit magikarp like always.

"master" said luxray, "as your chief recruitment officer imustmake notice that this will call for a recruitment drive."

"I know" said rayquaza, "Send out the charizards, they are your best recruiters."

"SIR YES SIR" said Luxray.
To be continued. Chapter 5 will be called the pokemon recruitment drive

 

[Blue Screen of Death]

Dude, can't you make your chapters any longer? Or at least more descriptive?

 

[lvl99rayquaza]

Dude, can't you make your chapters any longer? Or at least more descriptive?

ok i will try to make them longer and mor descriptive.

 

[Sydian]

Chapter 4 -The shield pokemon and rock skin pokemon recruits
Rayquaza has sucessfully scared Mew away for now and Arceus killed deoxys with a blue-green hyper beam that had the intensity of so many stars that deoxys could not survive.

That is a tad better, though 'the intensity of so many stars' isn't making any sense to me. Maybe you mean a super nova? I'm not sure what you were going for here.

"WE WILL BEAT THE MEW/MEWTWO TRIBE" bellowed Rayquaza,"IF MEW APPEARS HERE AGAIN KILL HIM."

Let me put it this way: if you were saying this out loud, it would sound like, "We will beat the Mew slash Mewtwo Tribe,"

And that doesn't sound right at all. And why is Rayquaza constantly shouting? Without punctuation marks in your sentence, it's like...calm shouting, which doesn't make sense for this.

"YEAH WELL I EVOLVE FROM SHIELDON" said a second mysterious voice.

Said? More like shouted for no reason. Keep in mind, if you're capitalizing all of this sentence, it appears to the reader as if the speaker is shouting.

I MEAN, DO YOU LIKE READING THIS? BECAUSE I KNOW I SURE DON'T.

"Ah the shild pokemon Bastidon" said Luxra, "I also presume that your friend is a larvitar because we were expecting a larvitar and a bastidon."

It's Bastiodon, not Bastidon. And I think you mean Luxray, not Luxra. Always proofread your story before you post it. But, because this is so short, I'll just assume you're typing this in the reply box and posting it on a whim. And if that is the case, then I highly recommend typing it in Microsoft Word before posting it.

Aside from the horrible grammar, the storyline is still not making any sense at all. There needs to be more backstory to this.

And as almost everyone in this thread has told you, check the stickies in the lounge(I have a link in a previous post), Thesis' OT guide, and heck, go read a story that is actually up to par. We're trying to help you. And if you're thinking I'm getting meaner and meaner by the review, that's only because I'm trying to get this through to you. Be thankful I haven't just said, "Forget it" and never returned to this thread.

-Silver

 

[Duncan McNeil]

Let me say something first. I really appreciate that you're new to writing. Everyone is new at some point, which makes it all the more important that those of us who've been writing a while try to help out.

Like everyone has said, you've got some problems here. They aren't impossible to fix, but you'll need to make some changes in the way you write to correct them. First and easiest of is English.

"Show Yourself" said rayquaza "NOW."

Better than before, but you can do better. Like this:

"Show yourself," said Rayquaza. "NOW!"

The parts I fixed are in bold. It might be a hassle to have to do this, but once you get used to writing correctly you'll find it gets much easier. I still recommend you reading the guides of at the Writer's Lounge to get a better feel for all the kinds of rules to writing.

Rayquaza then summons a Luxray to find out who the mysterious voice came from.

One "unwritten" rule of writing in general is the show, don't tell one. The idea is that instead of telling us what happened, show us with description. It may not seem like that big of difference, but trust me when I say it means a lot.

So, let's say we're going to redo that last quote with some good description. One tip is that you can do this after you've written the chapter. Let's say you just finished, and yet you think that a few parts could be better. All you have to do is reread through it and fix things that don't seem right. Like what I'm going to do here.

Rayquaza then summons a Luxray to find out who the mysterious voice came from.

Reading it, you as the writer will obviously know exactly what happened here. However, the key is to make sure we, as readers, can. So let's start with inserting some good description and see what that does to it.

Rayquaza closed it's eyes in concentration, making a portal that summons a Luxray to find out who the mysterious voice came from.

This is largely the same, yet a decent start. The first part helps us understand better how Luxray appears in the first place. Consider this the bare bones version.

Rayquaza closed its' eyes in concentration, creating a shimmering portal out of thin air. With a muffled crack, a Luxray stepped forward.

A bit better. Here, you can show a bit better description, but most importantly this is far easier for a reader to understand. Even if this is far less than perfect, do you have any trouble understanding it? You can go far beyond this, by describing the Pokemon in more detail (though usually you would just do that once, as we don't want to read the same description over and over again, would we?), experimenting with more elaborate language, there's all kinds of things you can do once you get the basics completely down.

I wish you luck in improving with this. As you continue to write, you'll find all kinds of fun things you can do to improve yourself, so keep at it.

 

[Clark]

Okay. Seriously, you need to listen to these reviewers. This story is not descriptive enough, has terrible grammar, and lacks any real plot whatsoever. I'm sorry I have to tell you that, but it's true.

You still have shown no effort to DESCRIBE your Pokemon, your settings, your emotions, your anything. And no, one poorly-described Hyper Beam at the beginning of a single chapter is not what we are asking for. Where's the detail? Where's something like "Rayquaza's open jaw burst with an amazing blast of energy, as its emerald scales reflected the Hyper Beam in a brilliant display of colors."? Or, "Pikachu fell over, writhing in pain and clutching its head in its paws, unable to prevent the mental attack that would lead to its death."? Just saying "Insert Pokemon here did Insert thing here" is not nearly good enough.

Much, much more importantly, why are these legendaries having a war?! You gave us absolutely no backstory or plot, which simply does not work. It just seems like you decided to randomly make a story about legendaries going on murderous rampages of violence and killing each other for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and if that is the case I have some more news I'm sorry to give you: Nobody else enjoys reading "Legendary Pokemon A killed Legendary Pokemon B" without any real purpose, description, or reason behind it. If you don't give your whole story a plot, nobody cares how many Pokemon reasonlessly get killed or how legendary they are. Everyone will just think you're an immature kid who thinks that meaningless killing is "cool".

That said, this NEEDS a plot. This NEEDS a backstory. This NEEDS more description. You could be at least trying to make this better, because you have to realize your "fic" won't get any better if you don't work hard at it. If you aren't willing to at least attempt to make your writing better, then what's the purpose of writing fanfiction?

My advice? Read the rules. Read the Pokemon Fanfiction Writing Guide. Read this grammar advice thread. Read this good fanfic analysis. And when you're done reading all of that, why not read some fics from the Fanfiction Archive? That might give you an idea of how a fanfic is supposed to look.

And please, don't just make the next chapter the same way your previous ones have been and not even acknowledge that I (or anybody else for that matter) gave you a review. This is meant to help you, and make you a better writer, not put you down or insult you. And you can say "I'm new to this", or "I'm not good at writing", but let me tell you that those excuses are completely irrelevant. How are you going to get any better if you hide behind those excuses all the time? Exactly. You won't. So quit ignoring reviews, actually apply them to your fic, and maybe you will get an actual positive review.

 

[Astinus]

And no one noticed he had a chapter four without a chapter three?

Yeah, learn English, take your time writing/typing/whatever you want to call it. Listen to the reviews that you've been giving. Read the guides that are stickied in the Lounge that people linked you to.

Learn English. Yeah, can't stress that enough.

You had your chances to improve at least the amount of punctuation in your story. Sorry. You can try again with another version of the story or with a different story. But this one...