MISSING ELF: 32 years old, salt-and-pepper toupee, minty cologne, penchant for finger guns. Last seen in loose, red-and-white-striped tie, suit vest, white cuffed shirt, slacks, and pointed-toe shoes.
Signed photograph planted on the site of the Wigs for Winter charity event post-robbery.
xx From the JINGLE BELL BUGLE, ISSUE 172
Headline: WORKSHOP CEO SEEKS FORGIVENESS
Reporters last Sunday witnessed Claus' Workshop CEO,
Eben Kane, making his first public appearance since his departure in downtown Manhattan delivering presents amongst a cast of colorful characters.
"He said in his tweet he'd wanted to redeem himself, but this ridiculous." stated a Workshop PR manager with evident dismay. "At this point, he's just encroaching on other people's' responsibilities."
Said highly-penitent tweet posted five hours before Kane's disappearance from the North Pole addressed a slew of misconduct charges facing the eleven entrepreneur. After meeting the 280 character limit, news outlets sought the CEO's final world on the matter. What met them instead: a formal announcement of Chairman Benedict Grunclestack's substitution; Kane had vanished from the dimension of magic altogether.
Grunclestack has otherwise remained quiet on anything regarding Kane's antics, though an interview with
12 Days suggests, in his mind, the accusations have so far seemed "difficult to prove," or are otherwise "blown out of reasonable proportion."
A long -time employee at Claus' Workshop, who chose to remain anonymous, claims otherwise. "We've [the majority of staff] known for years.. as long as [I've been] on the assembly, we've seen Mr. Kane [make passes] at other workers. Y'know, the whole 'look who's under the mistletoe' shtick. It's honestly disgusting."
Kane himself is not a novice in the realm of public dissent. Prior to the business prodigy acquiring Claus' Workshop Inc. three years ago, he made waves with his controversial opinions regarding Hanukkah as "a myth" and that "anyone [Semitic] who takes a candle holder to heart should seriously get some holiday spirit."
Kane has also gone on record stating children should know the truth about where their Christmas presents oftentimes come from, going so far as to petition the Santa Secrecy Act established 1815, an act which even Santa Claus himself professed as "thoroughly uncalled for."
Mr. Claus has let to imply regret towards
Kane's purchase of the longstanding Claus family business all the same.
"He's an accomplished businessman," the Workshop's founder admitted to us at
Bugle late last January. "He's taken [the Workshop] farther than I'd have imagined. Not to mention, he's rich."
It is unprecedented in elven history for one of their own to gain this level of prominence in the business world; within Claus' Workshop Inc.,
Kane is responsible for over eighty thousand job positions, single-handedly usurping the unpaid labor force in manpower.
"It's why we never came out before," said Meryl "Minty" Monroe, high-profile Christmas album producer, and one of thirteen Ice Breakers to come out against
Kane's alleged charity disruptions, as well as the woman least expected to press charges against
Kane "He has so much sway here. But you can't just avoid the consequences for stealing that much hair. Honestly, what kind of man would want to screw over cancer patients, or would need a toupee himself that badly?"
This week marks the first inclination of
Eben Kane's involvement in the Global Gift Delivery Initiative (GGDI), started 2015, the same year as his promotion to CEO. With the entrepreneur being accused even throughout the elven community for his involvement in and subsequent sabotage of non-profit organizations and campaigns, critics aren't sure how to digest his latest move.
"I don't buy it." Retired toy craftsmanship manager, pro-wrestler, and past employee of
Kane's -- having spent his last two years in the company underneath him -- Darry "Cold Snow" Flattenburg is adamant. Snow told
Bugle, in regards to his old employer, "He's crazy, and he's done some terrible, no-good things… This can't be a [genuine] act."
Snow isn't the first hiree of
Kane's to show disapproval. Celebrity YouTuber and social media personality Faux Rallé spoke out about the issue. His tweet was derisive, but definitive: "[Eben Kane] bought himself into power, and now he's using magic to stay there."
It is a theory that has, until now, lacked proper footing.
Kane's involvement with Christmas magic was not unknown to the majority until last year when his thaumatologist was coaxed into talking by
Bugle affiliates. "It's rather hard to distinguish-- er, notice," the expert explained in an exclusive interview, "but it can be categorized as 'charming,' in a way. It's certainly not the benevolent white lies usually characteristic of this festive brand of spellcasting."
Kane's ability, therefore, manifests more as demands than suggestions. "He can coerce a subject into achieving any state or perspective he so chooses, as long as his wants and desires overpower their own," the doctor concluded.
This takeaway stands conspicuously similar to accounts made by
Kane's cohorts and staff. His secretary claimed, on one occasion, the wallpaper of the entire first-story floor had transformed before her very eyes at the snap of her boss' fingers.
"It happened in a big, gaudy show of sparkles," the little elf recounted. "I forgot all about it for the longest time, though. Once all this talk came out about
Mr. Kane leaving the North Pole, though, people started asking what I knew… I tried so hard to remember, and it was like I'd never forgotten!"
Even still, "The Kane I know wouldn't have used his powers for bad things, more so to make a statement," theorized Congressman Jessie J. Millfort, a close friend of
Kane, in a TV interview. "He's a good man… self-serving, though... At any rate, he's probably out giving toys to kids to prove to the corrupt media outlets out there how great of a person he is deep down.
"Though, ultimately, I guess it's up to you and how you want to portray him, huh?"
See Page 9C for follow-up editorial: 'A HOLLY JOLLY CORRUPTED CHRISTMAS: THE LONG-AVOIDED TREACHERY OF EBEN KANE.'
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