A Guilty Conscience

[darkcowboy]

Chapter 14 – Day 3: Ecruteak City, The Final Stretch! (Vs. Gengar)​

​

Ecruteak City

Rapidash stopped in front of the Pokemon Center and Jake climbed off.

"Wow! I've never been here before!" Johnny exclaimed. "It's awesome!"

"Yup. This is Ecruteak City, and the last city between here and Mahogany town. If we don't make Mahogany by tonight, I can kiss that Gym Leader position good-bye." Jake said. He had hoped to have been here sooner, but It couldn't have been helped. "C'mon Johnny. We'd better go heal our pokemon and then hit the road."

"Okay." Johnny answered. He turned to Slice, "Come on. Let's get you healed."

Jake returned Rapidash, and Johnny returned Slice.

As they walked inside, Jake heard a radio on the counter. "Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a breaking news update."

"Mary, I'm broad casting live from Route 42, where a massive sinkhole has devoured the entire road. Eyewitnesses say that a pair of shady characters were seen fleeing the seen of the incident. It is widely believed among regional and local officials that the sinkhole was caused by the fleeing duo. Back to you Mary."

Mary came back on the radio, and began playing music, but Jake was too devastated to listen.

"Jake? You okay buddy?" Johnny asked worriedly.

"Johnny, can Slice fly us over the sinkhole?" Jake asked.

"Depends on how big it is. He could fly me all the way to Mahogany. You… I'm not sure if he could even get you over the sinkhole. I'm a tiny ten year-old. You're a teenager." Johnny explained. "Why can't Rapidash jump over the hole?"

"I dunno how far he can jump." Jake answered. He turned and walked outside followed by Rascal, and Johnny. "We're screwed!"

"Can't we call your cop friend for a helicopter?" Johnny asked.

"To jump a sinkhole? He'd laugh me off of the pokegear!" Jake looked around dejectedly, and then had a thought. "Hey wait a minute! They said that there were two people fleeing the scene of the accident. What if they caused the sinkhole?"

Johnny looked up at Jake. "You mean like maybe, Billy and Bonnie?"

"That's exactly who I mean." Jake growled. "Let's go have a look."

When they made it to the route, they saw the sinkhole. It was nearly as big as a Gym, and twice as deep. Jake sighed. "Damn…" He glanced over, and saw a girl looking down into the sinkhole. "Lookin' for somethin?" He asked.

"I was here when the sinkhole appeared. There was a Diglett in the center of it." She replied. "I hope he's okay."

"Ah, knowing Digletts, he probably started the damn sinkhole." Jake said.

Johnny looked around. "But why would he just use Earthquake right here? There was no cause for it."

"You think maybe he caused it?" Jake said staring at a pokemon on the other side of the sinkhole. It stared back intently.

"What the hell?" Johnny yelled. Jake popped him in the back of the head.

While they were distracted, a man wearing a head-band appeared next to him.

"Hey, that guy looks familiar." Jake said.

"He's the Gym Leader here. Trying to figure out what's happened here, no doubt." The girl explained.

"How's he gonna do that? If the cops can't, then what's he gonna do?" Johnny asked.

"They say he has eyes for a thousand miles. He can see anything." She answered.

"My father told me about him. He searched Johto looking for the rainbow bird, but didn't find it. Later it showed up right where he didn't expect it to: the Pokemon League Conference. Dad had a lotta respect for him." Jake said now kneeling, and looking at the dirt around the sinkhole. "There's a lot of water around here, so we know a water-type was involved. The sinkhole was created by a ground-type. The Diglett might have done it, but my money's on Billy's Golem."

"Did you say Golem?" The girl looked stunned.

"Yeah, why?" Jake replied.

"I saw a Golem fleeing the scene just after the sinkhole was created." She replied.

"You're gonna be my ticket to finding out who did this then. I'm Jake Brooks." Jake said.

"Elektra Powers." She replied.

"Did you see a crazy blonde chick, and a black haired guy running away with the Golem?" Johnny jumped to his feet, and grabbed the girl's hand.

"Ummm no… I didn't get a good look at the Golem's trainer. Just the pokemon." Elektra answered.

"That may be all we need. Lucario left a scar on his left cheek back in Olivine City. Did you see anything like that on this Golem?" Jake asked.

"Yes. Right below his left eye."

"Perfect." He looked over at the Gym Leader. He was concentrating. "Now all we need is that guy's help."

Suddenly the Gym Leader disappeared. Jake looked over and saw him standing next to Johnny and Elektra. Jake paid the fact that he teleported over to their side no mind. "Hey, we need your help."

"Morty will you help us?" Elektra asked politely.

"I assume you are searching for the cause of this sinkhole." Morty looked at Jake.

Jake stared out at the sinkhole. "That damn thing's killed my chances of being a Gym Leader. I wanna rip Billy's liver out for it." Jake handed Morty a pin that resembled a gym badge but had the letter "R" on it. "I lifted that off of Bonnie while we battled in Cherrygrove City."

"And you think this Bonnie is the culprit?"

"You're damn right I do." Jake answered.

"Fine." Morty took the pin, and held one hand to his forehead. After several minutes, Morty opened his eyes. "I saw the Burned Tower! They're going there now. If we hurry, we might catch them."

"Let's go!" Jake called, already running down the road.

Burned Tower

Jake entered with Morty, and Johnny behind him.

"Careful. This place has holes in the floor." He whistled and motioned his finger at the floor, to simulate a long fall. "One wrong step, and you'll go right to the basement."

"Hmmm…" Jake looked down into a hole that seemed to go on forever. "That doesn't sound pleasant." He looked at Rascal. "See if you can see 'em."

Rascal used his x-ray vision to look through the walls. He concentrated on one spot, and said "Ray!"

Jake looked at the spot and pointed. "Right there?"

Rascal nodded.

"Alright." He pulled out Lucario's pokeball. "Lucario, break it down."

Lucario smashed through the wall and saw Billy and Bonnie.

"You!" Billy shouted.

"That's right! You're all under arrest!" Jake yelled.

"Think again!" Bonnie called back as her Skarmory caught Jake off guard with a Steel Wing attack.

Morty's Gengar took action by using Sucker Punch on the Skarmory just before it attacked him. "Sucker Punch allows my Gengar to attack in the few moments before an enemy attack. Your Skarmory attacked my Gengar and paid for it." Morty explained. "Now Gengar, Hypnosis!"

Skarmory fell to the ground in a deep slumber.

"NO!!" Bonnie cried as Rascal used Thunder on Billy's Umbreon.

"Ha! It doesn't matter now anyway. The cowboy can't get to Mahogany to become Gym Leader now. HAHAHAHAHA!!!" Billy ran over to Bonnie and threw a smoke bomb on the ground.

When the smoke cleared they were gone.

"Damn it!!" Jake shouted, punching a nearby wall. "That's getting old."

Morty looked at Jake. "You only needed to get to Mahogany? I think I can help. Elektra's father is Ross Powers. He oversaw the rebuilding of the League Stadium on Indigo Plateau, after it was attacked by Team Rocket three years ago."

"How can he help?" Johnny asked.

"Private helicopter." Morty replied.

"Sweet!" Johnny exclaimed.

Powers Estate

"Of course I'd be willing to help." Ross Powers said to Morty with a smile.

"Thank you. You're all set to go boys." Morty said.

"What about Billy and Bonnie?" Jake asked looking up at Morty.

"I have a feeling that you'll meet them again in your travels." Morty replied with a grin.

Orange Islands

"You've failed me again Captain. I've just been informed that those incompetent fools, that you call agents, allowed the boy to make it to Mahogany Town, and register for the Gym Leader Aptitude Test." The old man said from behind his desk. "You are by far, the worst commander I have ever had the displeasure of meeting."

"Sir, we had no idea that Ross Powers would take him in his private chopper." The Captain pleaded.

"Fortunately for you, I've just been in contact with Giovanni. He's taking care of some business in the Sevii Islands and has allowed me your services for free." He said.

"How is that fortunate for us? We loose a profit!" Captain Trent demanded.

"It's fortunate because if I'd been paying for that mission, then you'd pay me back the money I lost with your heads!!!" The old man spat, which made Trent wish he could shrink down to the size of a microbe. "You're dismissed." After Trent left, the old man turned to look at Scar, who had been listening to the whole conversation.

"Team Rocket isn't as powerful as it once was." A female voice chided at him.

"Venus, I want you to go to Mahogany and sign up for the aptitude test. If you fail, we'll go to plan B." He replied, while stroking Scar. "I'm going to the Sevii Islands to buy myself some more time with Giovanni."

A beautiful young female stepped out of the shadows. "Why don't I just break his heart like I did the last one?"

"I'm afraid his heart belongs to another. Yet she doesn't love him. If he weren't my enemy, I'd pity the poor boy. No I think you should just make sure he doesn't get the position of Gym Leader." He answered.

"It shall be done Lord Apollo." She left the room in silence.

In one fatal swoop, I can eliminate that bastard who nearly killed me six years ago, and I can establish an organization that's more powerful than even Team Rocket.

 

[Light Yagami]

Like the new Chapter. A new syndicate eh? Can't wait to read more.

 

[darkcowboy]

Ch15. - Everything Or Nothing, The Gym Leader Aptitude Test (Vs. Charizard)​

Jake stepped into the newly built Mahogany Gym. It was everything Ben had said it was. Jake could smell the new paint on the walls. "This couldn't possibly be the Gym that Pryce once resided in." Jake said to himself.

"It's not." Came Ben's voice from across the Gym. "I heard you had some trouble getting here yesterday."

Jake grinned. "Some jerk parked his sinkhole right in the middle of the road. I was flown in here by helicopter while the road department sorts it out."

"I'm glad you made it. A girl beat you in yesterday afternoon; the name she registered by was Victoria Lynn Martin." Ben said.

"You think it's possibly an alias?" Jake asked.

"I don't know. Not everybody's out to get you y'know." Ben looked back at the workers in the gym. "They're still making the preparations so we'll wait until they're done."

"So you're giving the test?" Jake asked.

"Yes. The pokemon league chairman will judge you. He'll be with us shortly." Ben said as they walked. "You've been making a name for yourself on your way up here. I heard from Morty, Falkner, and Cherrygrove's Police Chief that you did good deeds in their towns. If you manage to beat the Martin girl, you'll have friends in high places."

"What do you mean 'manage'?" Jake looked over at Ben.

"Jake, I'm not going to lie to you. The yesterday when she came in, a wild herd of Donphan came through the town. She faced them all down with a Clefairy."

"Clefairy huh?" Jake looked at his pokeballs. "We'll make a higher grade than she could possibly make." He announced to the world.

"That's good, 'cause she's waiting in the back." Ben answered and looked back.

One of the workers looked at Ben. "All done here Chief!"

Ben nodded. "Well let's start." He took out his pokeball just as the Chairman entered the gym.

"Are we ready?" He asked.

"Ready as we'll ever be." Ben answered.

Victoria took her place and Ben took his. "Then let the battle begin!" The Chairman announced.

Ben started off with Dragonite and Victoria started off with Clefairy.

"Clefairy use Finger Wag!" Victoria commanded. Clefairy began to wag her fingers at Dragonite. It seemed similar to Metronome but wasn't as random.

"Trying to put Buster to sleep eh? Buster use Fly!" Ben shouted. Dragonite flapped his powerful wings and lifted into the air. "Now he's out of range of your attack."

"Hmph! Clefairy, use Gravity!" Dragonite began to feel heavy. He flapped his wings harder and harder, but still began to sink to the ground.

"No! Buster!" Ben looked horrified.

"Clefairy, use Metronome!" Clefairy began to wag her fingers. She wagged them in a way that would almost put anyone to sleep. Suddenly she grabbed Dragonite with her tiny, stubby hand, threw him across the room.

Buster hit the wall with a loud crunch. He tried to get up but wasn't able to.

"He's paralyzed! Clefairy, go in for the kill!

Clefairy hit him with a hard Mega Punch, and Dragonite went down.

"You may now award the position to me." Victoria arrogantly announced.

"Victoria is the winner!" The Chairman called. "I give her battle a 9.5."

Ben glanced up quickly. He returned his Dragonite. "I choose Draco!" Ben threw out his next pokeball that released a Charizard.

"And I choose Sammy!" Jake threw out a pokeball. It opened up to reveal a tall red and grey pokemon. There were red rocks that covered his chest, like battle armor, and large stones on his elbows that resembled blades.

"What is that?!?" Ben exclaimed.

Jake smirked. "My Sensei took him into Mt. Moon, where he evolved from a Rhyhorn into a Rhydon under… questionable circumstances. Sensei gave him to me after I completed my training with him; years later that Rydon evolved into this. I call him Rhyperior, because he's superior to any other rock-type pokemon I've ever seen."

"Fine! Let's begin!" The Chairman announced.

"Draco, use Brick Break!" Ben called.

"Use Dig, Sammy!" Jake commanded. The massive Rhyperior's horn began to spin, and he dove headfirst into the ground. Draco's Brick Break attack missed him completely.

"Fly up high!" Ben ordered. Just as Draco took off, Sammy came out of the ground and grabbed Draco's feet. "Ha! You fell into my trap Jake! Draco, use Seismic Toss!"

Draco grabbed Sammy and flew up into the air. Jake watched in horror as Draco slammed Sammy into the ground from thirty feet up. "SAMMY!!"

The impact kicked up a cloud of dust that reduced all visibility. From the cloud of dust, four rocks flew out at Charizard, and hit him squarely in the head.

As the dust cleared, Sammy launched himself out off of the ground with his horn spinning faster, and faster. "Oh no! It's Horn Drill! Draco, MOVE!"

It was too late. The horn hit Charizard and slammed him into the ceiling. "Now let's see how you like being thrown to the ground! Sammy, use Seismic Toss!!" Jake shouted. In a split-second, Sammy grabbed Charizard's arm and hurled him to the ground.

Now it was Ben who was watching in horror as his Charizard hit the ground with so much velocity that it created a crater in the floor. Sammy landed close to Charizard and approached the crater.

Without warning, Charizard appeared out of the hole and hit Sammy with a Sky Uppercut attack. Sammy flew back into the wall behind him, and fell to the floor unconscious.

Charizard then took a step forward, and then fell flat on his face. He was defeated as well.

"I declare this match a draw!" The Chairman announced. "I give this battle an even 10!" He added. "Black Brooks, I declare you the Gym Leader of Mahogany Town!"

"I'd prefer Jake, if you don't mind, Mr. Chairman." Jake said.

"Jake, I'll call you the Mauville Kid if you want." The Chairman laughed. Jake found it ironic that a remark like that would come up, since he really was the Mauville Kid, though Jake kept his mouth shut, due to the fact that he'd been trying to keep it a secret ever since he registered for the Hoenn League six years ago.

"Congratulations, Jake." Ben slapped Jake on the back.

Jake glanced around quickly. "Where's that girl that came in before me?"

Ben looked back at the door to see it standing wide open. "Ah, she probably couldn't stand loosing to you." Ben chuckled.

"I don't know… Sensei taught me to be suspicious of everyone." Jake replied.

===========================================================

Victoria stood on the ledge of a nearby rooftop, looking down at the Gym. Suddenly her face began to melt away to reveal the face of Venus. The ooze that melted off of her face was really a Ditto. "Thanks for that trick you taught me, cousin." She said out loud to someone who wasn't there. Venus pulled out her pokegear and dialed a number.

"Report, Venus!" Apollo growled over the communicator.

"Lord Apollo, my mission has failed." Venus stated.

"I see… this is very troubling. Very well, proceed to plan "B"." Apollo replied.

"Yes, Lord Apollo." Venus said. She hung up, and stared down at the building. "I will defeat you, young cowboy. This I promise." Venus turned and disappeared into the nearby forest, as the sun set for another night.

 

[bobandbill]

...didn't realise that there would be so many chapters. I'm going to review the first four chapters, and when I've finished reading another day, I'll give a summarisationof my thoughts on the story's movement and all.

Now, so far I'm liking this story. The plot is quite interesting and is moving nicely. It's an interesting concept to have the main character working for the police and all - and the action scenes that come about are quite intriging. The characters seem interesting - I'm liking their personalities and how they interact with each other, and I can see motives making the whole story seem more realistic.
A very nice sense of mystery here as well, such as the antagonist's actions and true goal, and Jake's father's past and all - quite intriguing, and seems well thought out.

Description, when used, is quite good - but I wouldn't mind seeing more of it in places - sometimes things seem a little bare without it. Generally though it is rather sound.

There are a fair few mistakes here and there - most seem to be repeated however, there's nothing major, and most are also regarding dialogue - commas, full stops and capitalisation around quotation marks. Take this part:

"We'll be moving to the Hoenn Region in May." The man said to Ben.

"Someday you'll explain all this to little Jake right?" Ben asked

"Yeah, I will." Replied Jake's father.

Now, when the dialogue links in with the following sentence - flows on with it, use a comma before the quotation mark, rather than the full stop - treat the spoken sentences and the sentence that follows as one longer sentence with a comma in the middle, if it feels like it. If the two sentences are separate and can't link together, than use the full stop. As such:

"We'll be moving to the Hoenn Region in May," the man said to Ben.

"Someday you'll explain all this to little Jake right?" Ben asked

"Yeah, I will," replied Jake's father.

This occurs over and over again in the story I've noticed, so you'll have a fair bit of fixing up to do. I'd recommend reading Dark Persian's guide recently posted in the Louge section - covers all aspects of that so if there are any iffy ones you can see for yourself how it should be. :)

Sentence structure is another minor issue - sometimes, the sentences are too similar to each other - not all that often, but nevertheless happens. Try to use shorter and longer sentences - change it arrond, use shorter ones more often in dramitic scenes, etc - so that there is more variety. Also, at times, there is a lack of showing and a bit too much 'telling' - e.g. 'Jake walked here. Then he did this. Some said 'Oh no.'. Jake did a dance' - rather, show us how this events happen more, be using more description to describe the setting, how things happen (how fast, how slow, how unexpectedly, etc), how the characters view the events and how they react to them, etc. You already do this to a degree in places - just add to it.

Other things - battles are good - got a bit of description, but sometimes go a bit too fast or quickly for my liking - i.e. OHKO's. Try to drag out battles a bit more often.
Slow down the pace just a tad - occassionally there is a run-on sentence - too much happening in one sentence, but that's rare and only slightly a run on. Usually a comma thrown in would fix it as well.

Lucario and Shinx-line as Jake's Pokemon... eh. Nothing agaianst them - just seen them a fair bit already in fics. No matter.

Other stuff:

To his right stood his friend and fellow officer Ben Cane, and to his left a boy about six years old lay in the snow, making snow angels. His name was Jacob Brooks.

Missing full stop - maybe a bit more description on the characters here...

10 years later

A word of advice - refrain from doing such things. It seems a bit like a lazy way out of it, and such information can be told to us in other ways and more subtly, so that it doesn't stick out so. For instance, Jake himself already thinks 'oh, it's been ten years' - so there didn't seem much point for that.
Also - with numbers, it's better to write out the word of the number if it is less than a hundred generally - e.g. 10 --> ten, 55 - Fifty-five.

It was seven in the morning and the fog was just clearing, as the ship slid through the harbor without hardly a sound, and slowly made its way into the port where Jake would get off and meet an old friend.

Bit of a run-on sentence, the sparate ideas could be separated into separate sentences. However, nice description.
Also, without, not 'with out' - occassionally you separate words such as those - keep them as one word. (e.g. them selves - themselves).

His father had been a detective here at that time, but, (for reasons unknown to Jake) decided to leave Olivine City.

Suggest the comma.

After a long silence Jake walked up to the officer and said, "How are you Uncle Ben?" as he stretched out his hand to the older man.

Sounds more like a question to me... reminds me something as well - you overuse the word said. Mix it up more often than you do - exclaimed, stated, whispered, etc - gives us more of an idea how things are being said. By the same token however - don't totally not use 'said - just not as much.

"Pretty good. And yourself?"

"Yeah, you found the case didn't you?" Ben said leaning forward.

Leaning forward while Jake is talking to him on a phone? Might have mentioned another part beforehand telling us that we would see Ben's physical reactions, such as him picking up the phone.

"That'll be 40,000 dollars." Said the clerk while trying to see over the mass of stuff.

"Here you go." Said the girl, managing to pick up the whole pile in both arms.

Heh. :) Just an ordinary shopping spree - like that small jab at the currancy of Pokemon. :)

"Yes, and what will your pokemon have?" she asked, looking at Rascal who was gnawing at his left fore leg.

A sentence moving a tad too fast - comma should fix that.

trying not to be seen by anyone else in the restaurant.

"That so? It's illegal to battle in town, so you meet me outside of town at four o'clock sharp." Jake said trying to hide his displeasure.

Again - don't separate those words. Really felt like a scene from a 'wild west' movie or something of the like though with the stranger... :)

Pidgeotto went down for the count. "Return." Pidgeotto turned red, and returned to his pokeball. "Try this." The stranger pulled out his last three, and summoned them all at the same time. They were: Golbat, Wailmer, and Kadabra.

Without hesitation, before the stranger could give a command, Jake gave his command, "Rascal, Thunder." Rascal released all the electricity he had into all three of the other pokemon, knocking them all out.

Cough*Pokemonmoviereferenceiwager*cough.

Jake said to himself,

"Hey! Stop right there." The men stopped at the sound of Jake's voice.
Out of the shadows came a large gray fist that connected with the left side of Jake's head. The men jumped in the truck, and shut the doors. Jake stood up and ran to the back of the truck, climbed on, and hung on for dear life.

Here is a bit of the 'telling rather than showing' part. '"Stop!" - they stopped - he got puched... from somewhere - men jumped on truck and shut the dorrs - Jake jumps on truck and hangs on' - that's the generall feeling I've gotten from that. One - the truck magically went from being stationary to moving without you saying so, and the lack of reaction from Jake at being punched (him 'staggering in recoil form the pain' or something for instance) - makes it feel a bit lacking - add in more character reactions to such events.

"Adrian, use flamethrower on his right front wheel!"

Pokemon moves/attacks - and for that matter, the word Pokemon should always be capitlised - occassionally you didn't with Pokemon.

"Good work." Jake said to the Arcanine. "Now if you'll excuse us, I've gotta see a doctor."

"What for?" Rose asked

Without turning around or stopping Jake said, "When I fell off that truck, I dislocated my shoulder."

Gah. Try to avoid having random facts like 'I dislocated my shoulder, by the way' being given so... randomly - at least hint towards it happening when it does happen rather than afterwards (e.g. Jake griminced as a sharp twinge of pain emerged around his shoulder).

Somewhere in the Orange Islands.

Similar to the '10 years later' comment - try to avoid giving specific information like that - although here it's not as important.

A female voice said: "Citizens of New Bark Town! A robbery is taking place at the pokemon lab. A curfew is in effect as of now. Anyone caught on the streets will be arrested immediately!"

Missing quotation mark, question the importance of the word 'female' - how relevant is that piece of information?
Also, insert various examples of the comma/full stops around quotation marks problem that I mentioned eariler.

Overall, though, not bad - the story itself is enjoyable to read, and that's the main thing. Fix those mistakes, add in a bit more description and all the other stuff I mentioned, and it should only get better. Give that thread I mentioned a look, and I'll probably be back at a later date - how much later depends on other stuff - chances are it may be a while off...

 

[bruom]

well, lets say... its simply fantastic! it has the perfect balance beetwen making it very mysteryous and, on the other hand, easy to understand the situations.
i like the way you give informations little by little, specially about jake's father.

cant wait for more! rating 5 starts!

 

[darkcowboy]

Chapter 16 – Master and Student; a Joyful Reunion! (Vs. Arbok)​

​

The role of a Gym Leader is to strive for a better understanding of his or her capabilities, and to improve those capabilities at every possible moment. Along side that role, it is also the role of a Gym Leader to accept challenges from aspiring trainers and confer badges upon trainers who the Gym Leader deems worthy of such an honor.

With his new appointment as Gym Leader, Jake expected challenges from trainers near and far, but he didn't expect his first challenge to be from an old friend.

===========================================================

The day after Jake's appointment found him sleeping in his brand new office, which was situated at the very back of the Gym.

It seemed like a day for gifts; Ben had given him a comfy office chair; Jake gave Rascal the first badge that his father had ever won, in the form of a collar with the badge hanging down like a pendant. Johnny gave Jake his hat, which he immediately asked to have back, after realizing he felt naked without it.

Jake was very tired from the previous day's events and it definitely showed. He was slow when it came to getting out of the chair. Even when Johnny offered to buy lunch that day, Jake seemed indifferent.

He was even too tired to be paranoid about Broken Sword coming after him and Johnny. It would be more of a challenge to avoid him, now that he was tied down to a Gym.

"Jake, how can you be so wiped out? Yesterday was nothing compared to the battles I've seen you fight," Johnny said after gulping down a mouthful of ramen. "You haven't even touched your hamburger,"

"When did you become my dietitian? I'm fine, it just feels like I'm being drained," Jake replied swiftly.

"Hmmm," Was all Johnny could force out through yet another mouthful of ramen. After he swallowed the previous mouthful, his eyes became rather thoughtful. "You think your pushing yourself too hard?"

"Not at all! It has nothing to with pushing myself. I was trained to push myself to the limit," Jake answered. "I just need to remember…"

"Ruhmemfer rutt," Johnny choked over a mouthful of bread roll.

"Huh?" Jake chuckled.

Johnny gulped down the food and repeated himself. "I said, remember what?"

"Oh… I just need to remember my training. It's been a while, and I'm out of practice." Jake stared at his hamburger. "I think I need to go fishin',"

"Wha??" Johnny nearly gagged. "How is that going to make you remember your training?"

"It won't… I just need to relax. South of Mauville City, there's a lake where my dad used to take me fishing. A six-pack of soda and a good fishin' rod was all I needed to relax back then." Jake stood up from his desk and walked to the door of his office.
"You can have my burger."

Jake came out of his office with a fishing pole and a tackle-box, "If you leave, lock up the gym. If anybody wants to know where I went, tell 'em I went to the Lake of Rage."

Just when Jake made it to the door, the phone in his back office began to ring. "I'll get it!" Johnny yelled across the gym. He came back out two seconds later with the phone in his hand. "It's for you!"

"Tell 'em, I just sailed away," Jake said with a half grin.

"Jake! That's not funny," Johnny called after him, but it was too late. Jake had already gone outside.

Jake threw out Rapidash's pokeball and out came the horse pokemon. "Rapidash, let's go to the Lake," Jake said with a smile. Jake climbed on Rapidash's back and squeezed his heels into Rapidash's sides.

Soon they were galloping off to the north, with the sun happily moving west, and the bird pokemon happily chirruping.

In no time, they were at the lake. Jake called back his Rapidash and laid out his coat to sit on while he fished. Jake sat on his coat, reached into his tackle-box, and grabbed a soda.

"Never go fishing without one," he chuckled to himself as he popped the top and took a sip.

After several hours, not even the mosquitoes were biting. As Jake cast the line out for the nine-hundredth time, a silver blur crossed his field of vision, and cut the line. Jake glanced over in the direction that the blur was moving, and saw a star-shaped piece of metal with a pokeball in the center, buried in halfway into the sand. "A shruken?"
The pokeball opened and released a purple snake with markings on its flaps that resembled a face.

"An Arbok," Jake grabbed a pokeball, not even looking through the transparent dome to see who it was. "GO," he shouted as he threw it out.

It turned out to be Sammy, Jake's Rhyperior. "Sammy, use Horn Drill!"

Sammy's horn began to spin, and then Sammy charged the Arbok.

Arbok quickly dodged the attack, and then used Constrict. Arbok paused, and then there was laughter. It seemed to coming from everywhere.

"Just like you, Jake. Always brawn before brains," the mystery voice taunted. "I've come to challenge you to a gym battle!" He called.

"I accept your challenge," Jake replied. "Sammy will be my first pick!"

"And Arbok will be mine! Arbok use Poison Sting!" The mystery voice commanded.

"Sammy, you gotta get outta there," Jake cried, "Use Surf!"

The waters from the lake began to churn and waves began to break on the shore. A massive wave rose up out of the lake and rode over the shore, where it crashed down on Arbok and Sammy.

When the water washed back into the lake, Sammy was standing alone. Arbok had released him at the very last minute to save his own skin.

"On your toes, Sammy," Jake looked around for his opponent and its trainer, "We're not outta this yet."

In a flash, the Arbok lurched out of the nearby shrubbery, and used Constrict on Sammy again. He had Sammy bound up now, and was squeezing him as hard as he could.

Jake thought quickly. "Sammy, use Horn Drill! There's no way you can miss now," Jake called to him.

Sammy's horn began to spin once again. He looked Arbok right in the eye, and grinned wickedly. Sammy brought his horn down right onto Arbok's head.
The Arbok released him and began to slither away, but Sammy grabbed him by the tail, and pulled him back.

"That's enough," the mystery voice called. "You've made your point."

"Sam-Sam, let 'em go," Jake ordered.

As Jake ordered, Sammy released Arbok who slithered into the forest. Soon, a man stepped out of the forest. He wore a black ninja outfit, and his hair was black and spiked. His face looked as though it had seen many battles, and Jake recognized him immediately. "Sensei!"

"Hello Jake. It's been a long time." He said with a smile.

"Master Koga, I had no idea! Can you forgive me?" Jake knelt before Koga.

"Forgive what?? You put up a hell of a fight, and won! That's what I taught you, was it not," Koga answered with a look at Jake.

"Well… yes sir, but Sammy may have injured your Arbok," Jake replied.

"Arbok is fine. He's been through much worse," Koga looked around. "I seem to remember that you had a Luxray during our training. What's happened to him?"

"He goes hunting everyday, at least once a day. He went hunting just before I left," Jake replied looking back at the lake.

"So I hear that you're a Gym Leader now. I came to congratulate you," Koga said, as Jake stood up.

"Yes sir," Jake looked at Sammy. "Sensei, can I confide in you?"

"Yes," Koga was looking down at his apprentice.

"I've found Broken Sword. He works for Team Rocket, just like you suspected," Jake whispered.

"I've been in contact with Sabrina recently, and she says Broken Sword was expelled from Team Rocket for performing outside jobs. If he tried to kill you in New Bark Town, he was doing it for someone other than Team Rocket,"

Jake didn't bother with the fact that Koga new about New Bark Town. He was quite used to him knowing things that nobody else would. Jake was more preoccupied with the fact that Koga had talked to Sabrina. "You've spoken to Sabrina," he gasped. "How was she?"

Koga grinned. "I told you, she's way out of your league, boy."

"I know… I can't help it though," Jake sighed.

"I understand. She's had that effect on many men," Koga said looking out into the setting sun.

Jake looked thoughtful for a moment, but then it passed. He glanced up at Koga. "You wanna come back to the gym for dinner? I'm pretty sure there's a cold hamburger sittin' on my desk."

"Sure, why not," Koga replied.

They walked back down the route, back to Mahogany Town, and the Gym.

 

[Light Yagami]

Koga is the mysterious sensei? Wow, I love it.

 

[bobandbill]

Ok then, a quick-ish reviw for the latest chapter then - short on time.
Overall, it was good - generally cleaner in mistakes and all. A few small ones, and the occassional 'punctuations-in-dialogue) mistakes, probably due to habit methinks. But it's better however, and interesting that Koga made an appearance (and that Sabrina has had something to do with the story as well). I can say that the plot really feels well though out and all, although I'll need to read the other chapters to check. ;)

It seemed like a day for gifts; Ben had given him a comfy office chair;

Minor - I think either : or - would serve better there, given the semi-colon afterwards in description, but not that important.

Dietitian

Unless it's different, in Australia (assuming you don't live there...), it's Dietician.

"Hmmm," Was all Johnny could force out through yet another mouthful of ramen. After he swallowed the previous mouthful, his eyes became rather thoughtful. "You think your pushing yourself too hard?"

Small 'w' for was, and you're instead of your.
"I think I need to go fishin',"
Full stop here. Think that Fishin' might as well be fishing, as it's the same think, but matter of opinion.

Arbok quickly dodged the attack, and then used Constrict.

Use more description still, such as here. How did Constrick look like? Describe these things in battle more.

"Hello Jake. It's been a long time," he said with a smile.

Jake didn't bother with the fact that Koga knew about New Bark Town.

Not bad overall - some more description really as the main thing, as the story (or just this chapter) lacked a bit of substance, particularly in the battle. Good that the characters are reacting more than the first four to events however, and sentence structure seemed ok here as well. Keep it up!

 

[darkcowboy]

Hey. I was gonna post chap 17 and 18 today but my laptop crashed so i'm gonna have to retype. I'll post chap 17 when i can.

 

[Espreon]

Hey. I was gonna post chap 17 and 18 today but my laptop crashed so i'm gonna have to retype. I'll post chap 17 when i can.

What a tragedy! Ugh, it would have been nice if the data was backed up, oh well. I guess me and everyone else will have to wait.

 

[bruom]

oh man... well, guess youre right, and we can only wait..
im liking this fanfic, but i think things are going a bit fast.. it tooks 3 really big chapters to reach cherrygrove and only 2 to go from cherrygrove to mahogany... well, maybe its because there were no important facts?
anyway, cant wait for more =]

 

[Post Office Buddy]

lol it appears I was the only one to notice that the Pokemon in your banner was Mewthree from the hacked rom, Chaos Black. I figured someone else would have noticed by now. Anyway, this is a good story you have going so far. I'm not usually for revenge fics, but this one perked my interest. Keep it up.

 

[darkcowboy]

oh man... well, guess youre right, and we can only wait..
im liking this fanfic, but i think things are going a bit fast.. it tooks 3 really big chapters to reach cherrygrove and only 2 to go from cherrygrove to mahogany... well, maybe its because there were no important facts?
anyway, cant wait for more =]

This isn't really a journey fic, but more like a fight against evil fic. can't wait to get my next chap up though! thanks for y'all's support!

 

[darkcowboy]

Chapter 17 – Red's Message! (Vs. Ditto)​

A week after resuming his training with his former teacher, Jake had accepted over forty challenges, and defeated every challenger.

This, along with a week of intensive training was preparing him for a long and grueling struggle to survive the harshness of the ice cave.

======================================================

"Well done, Jake," Koga called from across the field as Cole defeated a wild Bellsprout.

The Cyndaquil panted heavily. He had never been through such a battle, and it was obvious that he was doing well.

"Alright Cole, good job! Let's finish up with an Ember attack," Jake shouted as the Bellsprout's companions began their attack.

Cole stopped. The attack was bearing down on him but Cole remained fixed. He shivered horribly, as Jake tried to gain his attention. "Cole! C'mon buddy; this is no time to freeze up,"

As the attack fell, Cole squealed. His body began to change into another form. When the transformation was complete, the quills on his back had partially disappeared leaving a few around his neck, and a few on the top of his head.

Jake's pokedex began to beep, and Jake pulled it out of his pocket. He read the message that was appearing on the screen aloud. "Congratulations! Your Cyndaquil has evolved into Quilava."

"A Quilava huh? Alright Cole, let's see how your Flamethrower works out," Jake commanded with a lopsided grin.

Cole opened his mouth and unleashed a torrent of flames. With a loud cry, the frightened and out-gunned Bellsprout all disappeared into the forest near the lake.

Jake watched them flee while Cole tried to chase them down.

"Hold it there Cole! No need to get blood-thirsty," He called after Cole, who seemed to want to chase the grass-types and finish them off.

While Jake trained, Koga stood on the branch of a nearby tree. With the threat of assassins around every turn, Jake would need someone watching over him while he couldn't watch himself. Though, I can't do this forever… Koga thought to himself as he watched Jake's Quilava happily eat a pokeblock. "Hmm?" Koga noticed Jake's Pokegear lying on the ground by the tree. He jumped out of the tree and picked it up as it began to ring.

"Is that my Pokegear," Jake called back to Koga.

"Yes. It seems you have an incoming call," Koga announced, "from Mahogany Gym."

Jake grabbed the Pokegear and answered. "Hello?"

"Jake, there's a package here that's addressed to you, and Claire of Blackthorn City has been calling all day looking for you." Johnny droned.

"What does she want?"

Johnny stifled a yawn and droned on in a monotone voice. "She wants to know why you're not in the gym…"

Jake glanced over at Koga who'd become obsessed with cleaning some dirt from under his fingernails with a shuriken. "Did you tell her that I'm out training?"

"Hang on…" the sound of papers rustling seemed to be all that Jake could hear until Johnny came back on, "…she said (and I quote) you have a gym now; that's where you train. She went on to say that if you're not back in the gym by the next time she calls, she was gonna come over and stuff you in a dumpster…"

Koga glanced up immediately.

"Damn… that sounds a bit harsh," Jake said while sniggering to himself. He had heard about her brutal attitude but had never experienced it first hand.

"No, actually I made that last part up, but she did say it was gonna be bad…" Johnny added finally.

"We're on our way," Jake announced before hanging up the phone.

"I'm not," Koga answered, "I've got to go back to the Elite Four and tell them what you told me about The Titans. If they're as bad as you say, we'll need to be ready to fight them."

"What about my training?"

"You're fine as it is. I have evaluated and decided that you are no longer in need of my instruction," Koga replied as he stepped into the clearing.

Jake grinned, "It's the Mask of Ice crisis all over again huh?"

"Not this time. I'm not abandoning you with a false hope… this time I believe in you and your abilities," Koga replied.

Jake looked up at Koga. "If you ever see Sabrina again, give her my love…" Jake said.

Koga knew immediately who Jake was talking about. "Jake, I want you to know that you're wasting your efforts. She's never loved anyone, and you're no exception."

"I thought maybe I could change her." Jake said weakly.

"I know…"

====================================================

Back at the Mahogany Gym, Jake was greeted by a phone call from Claire of Blackthorn City.

"Brooks, where were you," She asked directly.

"Training."

"You have…" She started but Jake finished for her.

"…A Gym now; that's where I train."

"Exactly. You see, challengers can't win badges from a gym that doesn't have a gym leader," Claire lectured.

"It won't happen again. My mentor has gone back, and I'm ready to accept any challenge," Jake answered.

"Excellent. I'll call back within the hour," Claire answered.

"Yes ma'am." Jake hung up the phone.

Johnny who had been listening suddenly handed Jake a disc. "That's what the deliverer gave me."

"It's a DVD," Jake said to himself. He plugged it into the DVD player sitting in the back corner of his office.

The DVD displayed static at first and then Red's face appeared on the screen.

"Jake, I need you to meet me in the ice cave west of MahoganyTown. Come alone." The DVD went back into static, and then ejected itself.

"Jake?" Johnny looked dumbfounded. "That was the Champion from six years ago wasn't it?"

"Yep. That's the great Red. I guess he wants me to bail 'em out of another jam," Jake chuckled.

He could just hear Red now: "You didn't save me Jake, Poliwag-erm Poliwhirl did."

"Technically I did. I let 'em out of the ball." Jake would always reply.

Jake walked outside and threw out Rapidash's pokeball. "C'mon partner, I need a ride."

Rapidash whinnied and stomped his foot. He was ready to go, and Jake knew it.

"Johnny, if I'm not back by tonight…" Jake handed some cash to Johnny, "…order out."

Johnny took the wad of cash and pocketed it. "I don't like your cooking anyway… you use too much salt."

Jake raised an eyebrow at Johnny and smiled. "I'll see ya later," He said turning around and climbing on Rapidash's back. Jake turned him around, and they rode away towards the west.

======================================================

As they neared the ice cave, the sun began to set. Jake had hoped that Red wasn't in some kind of trouble, because the kind of trouble Red usually got into spelled bad news for the world.

Maybe he wants to congratulate me on my appointment as Gym Leader… no he would come to the gym. Many thoughts were racing through Jake's mind as they came to the cave's entrance.

"Hello? Red! Where are you," Jake shouted, only to be answered by his own echo.

He walked farther into the cave, and then saw him lying on the ice, with his back to Jake.

"RED!!" Jake shouted as he ran out onto the ice, and stopped at Red's body. "Damn son! Who did this to ya?"

Red rolled over to face Jake. He smiled faintly and said "Ditto," in a funny sounding voice.

Jake stood up and took a few steps back. "What the hell?!"

Just as the words left his mouth, a shadowy figure slammed into him from behind, and pinned him against a nearby rock.

The last thing he saw before loosing consciousness was Red's form morphing into a purple blob. Jake gasped and then lost consciousness.

 

[.emerald]

HEY, ISNT THIS THE FAN-FIC A MEMBER IN A WEBSITE SIMILAR TO THIS CALLED POKEMON 2000 ELITE TRIED TO STEAL?(I HEARD HE GOT BANNED)

 

[darkcowboy]

Yeah. "He" did get banned, and "he" owes me an apology too.

 

[bruom]

this chapter was very good. just one thing: youve written "blaire" instead of "claire" many times.. wait.. i tought it was clair... i may be wrong, as it has more than 4 years since ive last played g/s/c :p

 

[darkcowboy]

Damn it!! i thought i got all of those. kk, thanks bruom.

Edit: Ok fixed it!

 

[darkcowboy]

Chapter 18 – Venus: The Lady of Ice (Vs. Jynx)​

"He wasn't so hard to take out; my granny coulda knocked his ass out."

"Yeah, well he was busy with the fact that his friend was hurt. I've heard things, man. If that really is the Mauville Kid, then we should really tie him up."

"Shut up, you two. There's no way that's the Mauville Kid. My friend saw the Kid's face, and said he had to be at least in his twenties. We're wastin' our time."

Jake's eyes opened slowly. Things were blurry at first, and then they became clear. A female, and two males stood on the other side of the cave with their backs turned to him. As Jake's eyes began to focus, he noticed they all wore Team Rocket uniforms.

Now was his chance to take them by surprise. Jake jumped to his feet and ran at the largest grunt, who was at least six feet tall. He leapt into the air, turned sideways, and thrust his boot in the direction he was moving.

The side-kick caught the grunt off guard, and threw him into the nearby cave wall.

The other male stood in disbelief as Jake pivoted on one foot and rammed his fist into the grunts face. With a pained cry, he fell to the floor clutching his face.

As Jake whirled to see where the female went, he was met with a solid black boot to the face, which knocked him off balance, and threw him to the ground.

She put one high-heeled boot to Jake's throat and pressed down.

Jake grabbed the boot, and rolled over, throwing her to the ground. As he stood up, he caught the larger male's punch with the left side of his face.

"Damn," He cursed loudly, staggering back.

The big man approached him but was sent flying back by a roundhouse to the face.

"Enough!" The smaller man yelled as he reached to his belt. "Go, Houndoom!!"

The hell-hound came out of the pokeball and grinned wickedly at Jake.

Jake reached to his belt and grabbed… nothing. "What?!" Jake looked down to see that his belt was gone. Come to think of it, his coat and blue shirt were gone too, leaving a black t-shirt.

Jake looked up and smiled innocently. "BYE!!" He turned and ran without looking back.

The female looked up at a large dark hole in the upper cave wall. "I'm sorry Lady Venus."

"It's fine Victoria. It's obvious that he is the Mauville Kid." Venus leapt out of the hole, and ran after him with amazing speed.

======================================================

Jake came to a fork in the cave tunnels. "Damn, looks like we're gonna have a problem Rascal…" He looked down and saw that Rascal wasn't at his side. "Oh yeah… I told him to watch the gym."

"That's not the only problem you have." A female voice called from behind him.

Jake wheeled around and saw a woman wearing a skintight leather outfit. "And who're you?"

"I'm known by many names. You may call me Venus. I'm the one who shall kill you," Venus said.

"You know, you Rocket lackeys are getting to be a pain in my ass," Jake growled angrily.

"Surrender now and I promise your death will be painless. Try to run and I promise your death will be slow and cold." Venus spoke in a very dignified tone.

"Bite me!" Jake turned to run into the cave to the right, but was stopped by a sudden wall of ice.

"I see you've made your decision." Venus replied. "Jynx, take him."

A Jynx stepped out of the darkness, and used Ice Beam.

Jake skillfully dodged the ice attack and grinned. "If that's all you've got for me, then you might as well go home. I was trained by the best, and a single attack like that isn't going to help."

"Ahh. Of course, since you are the Mauville Kid," Venus said with a wicked grin.

Jake's eyes widened. "Who sent you?"

"An old friend of yours. He's been very anxious to see you disposed of since you are interfering with his plans."

Jake couldn't think of anyone, that she could be talking about.

"Oh, of course. You can't remember anything about that fateful day, except helplessly watching your father's murder." She looked down at her hand, and picked at a fingernail, "It would be terrible to if you found out that they weren't even after your father. They were after you…" She looked up as if she realized that she said too much. "Oops. I wasn't sure if you knew that."

"WHAT," Jake thundered. His anger was evident, and he was ready to strike. Jake ran at her.

Venus snapped her fingers, and Jynx responded with another Ice Beam. Jake dodged it, and kept running at her. Another Ice Beam attack just missed his head, and another barely hit right behind his heels.

Just as Jake drew his arm back to strike, an Ice Beam caught his feet, and brought him to a dead stop. "DAMN YOU!! I'LL FIND OUT WHO DID IT, AND I'LL BURY HIM! AND YOU WITH HIM," Jake shouted.

"Struck a nerve, did I?" Venus taunted.

Jake remained silent as the ice slowly made it's way up his leg.

"It doesn't matter in any case. You'll soon be dead." Venus added.

The ice was now up to his waist. Things were looking grim for Jake. "What happens when I'm dead? I have powerful friends, and I don't think they'd like it if I died."

Venus scoffed coldly. "Do you remember the trick with the Ditto? I'll easily fake your death, and pin it on Johnny Slade."

"Slade?"

"Oh, yes we know all about his real name, and the fake one he told you that day in the forest." Jake could see the evil in Venus's expression. "I'll pin your death on him, taking care of you both."

"They won't try a child for murder." Jake said quickly.

"Your friend Ben Cane then."

Jake growled.

"Everybody freeze!!" A voice shouted.

Venus looked over Jake's shoulder in surprise.

"Hmmm. It seems that I have a need to leave you, but know this Jake Brooks. I can find you at any time." Venus said placing a finger under Jake's chin.

She pulled out a smoke bomb, and smashed it on the ground. When the smoke dispersed, she and her Jynx were gone.

A tall slender figure came up behind him, and placed a warm hand on the side of Jake's neck.

Jake's instinct told him who it was, but he was still unprepared for her appearance.

"Are these your pokeballs," She asked, holding them in front of him so he could see.

"Y-yes…" Jake said, his teeth chattering as he spoke.

"You should have been more careful. Didn't Koga's training teach you anything?"

"Why did you come?"

"I foresaw my former student in danger, and came to help."

Jake shivered. "Former student" seemed a bit distant. Way more distant than "the girl whom he's been in love with for the last four years." "Thank you for your concern… Sabrina."

 

[darkcowboy]

i just wanted to announce that i now have a beta reader, and he's assured me that it may take longer to get them out now, but that's something i'm willing to do in order to improve the quality of my fics! ^_^ Can't wait to get Ch 19 out to ya'll!