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-removed due to intense hatred-
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Grammar mistake: You put a comma after 'say', but that was unnecessary, as is the comma after you."What would you say, if I said I love you, right now?" Your voice is soft, and I can barely hear it. You try to connect with me, but I stay un-responsive, shutting you out.
After 'falters', you don't need that pesky comma.Your hand falters, when you realise that mine is still pulled closely to my side, but you still persist, attempting, once again, to connect.
After 'wild', that comma is unneeded.Your eyes, so wild, and full of fear, beg me.
None of the commas in this quote are needed.A single crystal tear spills onto my hot cheek, and I don't even bother wiping it away, as I begin to realise that this could be my last moment with you. I look up, and our eyes lock.
The contraction of 'can't', for me, doesn't work well in this sentence. Instead, you should've just said 'cannot'.I see the pain of my rejection etched on your face, and I want to reach out and comfort you, but I can't.
None of the commas here are needed.You don't belong here, and comforting you would only make everything I have to do, so much harder.
You repeated 'kiss', but that was a no-no. You should've found a synonym for kiss as it would've had better. . 'Flow', I suppose I should say, to the sentence.Your lips meet mine, for one last token kiss, and I try to put all my love into this one kiss, so you know just how much you mean to me.
"Your" could probably be lower-cased right here."Goodbye, my love." Your voice cracks, and I know it tears you apart to say it, because I feel my heart tearing in two.
A single crystal tear spills onto my hot cheek, and I don't even bother wiping it away. . ..
sounds better (to me) as:I bend my head, but I still feel your gaze, even through my protective curtain of hair.
See how it flows more smoothly? It shifts the emphasis from the hair to the gaze.I bend my head, but I still feel your gaze through my protective curtain of hair.
I was getting into the groove until this line hit me. Single tears and hot cheeks feel cliche to me.A single crystal tear spills onto my hot cheek, and I don't even bother wiping it away,
Is this meant to be two sentences? I ask because it looks like you might have meant for there to be a comma after 'it' meaning that the words are cried (instead of said, shouted, etc.), but you could keep it as it is, perhaps with a line break like:"Please, stop it." I cry, and push you away.
It's like what you do it in this line."Please, stop it."
I cry, and push you away. You stop...
The trouble I'm having is with your story being in first person. I need to feel empathy for a character I'm supposed to "be." When I read"I love you." It's all I can say, because I know...
I need to feel it. I need to understand the character somewhat because I'm supposed to be in their shoes.You try to connect with me, but I stay un-responsive, shutting you out.