A Sense of Self

[aurevesque]

hey guys! i've returned!
anyways Voila:

"A Sense of Self"
I
I am more than you can see
more than the stereotypes
that surround me
Look
Beyond my race
Beyond my status or my self
Beyond my face
Inside
I am confused and crystal clear
confident and proud
paranoid, full of fear
Myself
I am more than you think I can be
I know i'm myself
I just have to find me.​

 

[Dr Gregory House]

That's a nice poem. I love the way you've got the first word of each line before the actually stanzas. It's great.

 

[aurevesque]

Thank you! actaully it was just plain luck that the lines came out that way.^^ i'm glad you liked it!

 

[aurevesque]

HTanks cookie!^^ yeah, it's not very flowy.
font? i didn't think about the skin part thing. merci for pointing it out.
haiku? i ddin't mean for it to be a haiku.
i figured the myself part sorta summarized the whole part of the poem.
good to see different crticism though. thanks!^^

 

[Spearow]

Short poetry is okay so long as they have nice flow and they're tonkas, Cinquains(I think), and haikus.

I'm not sure if I misunderstood you here. Are you saying that all short poems have to be structured like cinquains and haikus?

You guuyyyys. Just cuz there's a stickied list that tells you about different types of poetry doesn't mean that everything you write has to fall within the constraints of a certain style or pre-arranged structure/rhyme scheme. Historical knowledge of poetry is great, knowledge of popular styles and formats is all good, but don't let it ultimately control and restrict your writing. Your poem will suffer for it if you try to squeeze it into a rigid format, I guarantee it. Some people hate free verse but in my opinion it is always 1000000x better than forced rhymes that make no sense within the context of the piece.

And if that's not what you meant, cookie, I apologize but I had to get this little rant-type thing (though I don't know if I'd call it that, I'm not angry) out sometime.

AS FOR THE POEM IN QUESTION, since I feel bad about coming into this thread to derail it, I thought it was nice and hangs together well. Here's a little hint, if you want the last stanza to form a coherent "sentence" like the other ones do and thus conclude the pattern, you could add a colon after "myself". :)

 

[aurevesque]

good ideas guys! thanks for the advice! anyways, i put the myself there as sorta like a title like the rest of them. the myself is hwat i am. although i'm thinking i shouldv'e put like an elliipses before my last word.

 

[kevcrash]

hey guys! i've returned!
anyways Voila:

"A Sense of Self"
I
I am more than you can see
more than the stereotypes
that surround me
​

Okay this part of it is looking good with structure so far. It's already very literal, so you can tell what it's about easy.

Look
Beyond my race
Beyond my status or my self
Beyond my face

Again, very literal. When you say look beyond my self, do you mean you in complete or the outside of you?

Inside
I am confused and crystal clear
confident and proud
paranoid, full of fear

Okay, this verse is my favorite so far. It's not as literal which is good because you always want to have some sort of metaphoric phrase within a poem to make it more interesting. One part I'm not sure of is the contradictory statement "I am confused and crystal clear", forgive me if I am misunderstanding it but if you're confused it's kind of like blurry to you, but crystal clear is like, totally clear in sight. I'm not sure if that's what you meant by it, but that's how it looks.

Myself
I am more than you think I can be
I know i'm myself
I just have to find me.

I like this verse to end this because you are basically coming to them and saying "This is me, I am who I am, and I can prove that I am more than you think I am", a good way to end it, indeed.


Overall rating 8/10
Try to add in more metaphors (that's my opinion) just to make it a bit more interesting.

​

 

[aurevesque]

thanks world! yeah, but the 2 nd verse, is supposedto be contradicting, because no one's mind isn't clear as glass, it has its conflicts and all, and that's what i was trying to get across.^^