[DoubleUber]
Like you even care >.>
- 8
- Posts
- 12
- Years
- Age 25
- Seen May 28, 2012
DO NOT REPLY UNTIL I SAY SO IN 3rd POST. the story is in maintenance so please wait until the story is completed and in my writing journal.
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You can take out the parathesis and put "a Meganium" in between a comma and a period."I will be alright!" A Level 10 Riolu said to his stepmother (a Meganium).
You have two separate speakers, therefore you need two lines for dialogue. The proper formatting will be as follows:"Okay Aura, but remember. Only go to the Drinking Hole and bring a bucket of water here. And when you see a human you-" "Run away and drop the bucket."Aura interrupted.
Also, you left out a space after the quotation marks and Aura. It's two lines so your formatting doesn't look so messy and it helps avoid confusion, because the words are so jumbled up right now. This happens a lot, so please fix that up. Otherwise, it's unreadable, or annoying to read."Okay Aura, but remember. Only go to the Drinking Hole and bring a bucket of water here. And when you see a human you-"
"Run away and drop the bucket."Aura interrupted.
Again, you don't need the parenthesis. Take 'em out. I think this is the last time I'll mention it, but it's seriously bothering me.The last time Aura saw his real mom was when he was just level 5. She was on a trip to get to her neighbor (who was on the other side of the Badlands which is 1 mile away.)
...what? I don't get your description. Also, stay consistent into one tense. "Is" is different from "saw".The Badlands are a series of tough pokemon that will face you when you are in a 360 angle that is 5 ft. in radius. Aura's father (A Lucario) is the daredevil of the family.
Aura is an idiot. That's what this passage told me. Honestly, if something can't identify what simple muscles look like, it bothers me. Your characters have common sense too. Not to mention that Aura is a Fighting-type.(Aura thinks the humans call them "abs" but there is no proof since pokemon from the wild can't understand humans) and there was 6 white and red balls on his belt.
Mind if I ask why you're capitalizing human? Don't worry, I'll wait. Can't come up with anything? Exactly. You don't capitalize common nouns, unless it's like a name or something, such as Papa or Mama. You get the idea.Aura saw it was the Sneasel and the Human was put to sleep.
He calls his trainer boss? (I'm just assuming it's a dude... don't judge me.) And this raises another point. Your dialogue is a bit wooden. It's also annoying. Especially when they start screaming. You know, with the whole caps and the spam? Yeah, don't do that."This puny Riolu." The Excavalier said. "I will alert our boss about this!"