[Pokémon] Aura's Adventures: Book 1, Rise of the Dark Rebellion

[[DoubleUber]]

DO NOT REPLY UNTIL I SAY SO IN 3rd POST. the story is in maintenance so please wait until the story is completed and in my writing journal.

 

[psyanic]

The formatting for this is weird, to start with. You indented a few things and did some thing and yada yada. In other words, it looks messy. Format the paragraphs like this review will. It should just be in nice neat chunks. You can keep the indentions if you want, but make sure they're not in some weird spot.

Next point. You describe Aura's age with levels. That's a weak description in my opinion. There's nothing wrong with saying his age. If you wanted to emphasize that Aura was young, use young. Don't put it into a number, specifically levels. Do you describe yourself in levels? No, you use years.

"I will be alright!" A Level 10 Riolu said to his stepmother (a Meganium).

You can take out the parathesis and put "a Meganium" in between a comma and a period.

"Okay Aura, but remember. Only go to the Drinking Hole and bring a bucket of water here. And when you see a human you-" "Run away and drop the bucket."Aura interrupted.

You have two separate speakers, therefore you need two lines for dialogue. The proper formatting will be as follows:

"Okay Aura, but remember. Only go to the Drinking Hole and bring a bucket of water here. And when you see a human you-"

"Run away and drop the bucket."Aura interrupted.

Also, you left out a space after the quotation marks and Aura. It's two lines so your formatting doesn't look so messy and it helps avoid confusion, because the words are so jumbled up right now. This happens a lot, so please fix that up. Otherwise, it's unreadable, or annoying to read.

The last time Aura saw his real mom was when he was just level 5. She was on a trip to get to her neighbor (who was on the other side of the Badlands which is 1 mile away.)

Again, you don't need the parenthesis. Take 'em out. I think this is the last time I'll mention it, but it's seriously bothering me.

The Badlands are a series of tough pokemon that will face you when you are in a 360 angle that is 5 ft. in radius. Aura's father (A Lucario) is the daredevil of the family.

...what? I don't get your description. Also, stay consistent into one tense. "Is" is different from "saw".

(Aura thinks the humans call them "abs" but there is no proof since pokemon from the wild can't understand humans) and there was 6 white and red balls on his belt.

Aura is an idiot. That's what this passage told me. Honestly, if something can't identify what simple muscles look like, it bothers me. Your characters have common sense too. Not to mention that Aura is a Fighting-type.

Aura saw it was the Sneasel and the Human was put to sleep.

Mind if I ask why you're capitalizing human? Don't worry, I'll wait. Can't come up with anything? Exactly. You don't capitalize common nouns, unless it's like a name or something, such as Papa or Mama. You get the idea.

"This puny Riolu." The Excavalier said. "I will alert our boss about this!"

He calls his trainer boss? (I'm just assuming it's a dude... don't judge me.) And this raises another point. Your dialogue is a bit wooden. It's also annoying. Especially when they start screaming. You know, with the whole caps and the spam? Yeah, don't do that.

I don't get how the boy was still sleeping either. It's weird. He must be passed out or something. I'd prefer it if you explain it, even if you explain it later or something.

You have some spelling issues here and there I don't really feel like pointing out anymore. But you really should read over your story again and start fixing a few things. It looks unprofessional that way.

On a lighter note, I like your idea. The motivation behind the two Pokemon are interesting (not the annoying Riolu). They wanted to destroy their trainer's PokeBalls, but I can't stop wondering why. I mean the Sneasel was training with him so that means they must be kind of close. Unless of course that was all a guise, but whatever. I just liked that part. But I'll remind you that it's not enough about having an idea. People have brilliant ideas, but it's how you execute it. To be honest, this wasn't that great. Polish it up. I can only give you so much feedback, but I'll suggest that you take a look at our wonderful Writer's Lounge and check out the writing tutorials sticky. It's a good read full of links and all, and it'll definitely help.

Oh yeah, your poll was multiple choice and I thought that was funny. So I voted for all of them, because I can.

 

[[DoubleUber]]

[DELETED POST] DO NOT RATE THE POST HERE.

 

[psyanic]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa there bucko. Just because it's a fanfiction doesn't mean you throw logic out the window. I don't think you go around and say "I'm level 13, what about you?" And besides, level doesn't necessarily mean age. It means their battle aptitude. And I didn't mean the Lucario the daredevil whatever. I meant the Badlands description. The way you worded it, the Badlands sounds like a small circle, which it really shouldn't since it's lands. I only emphasized the daredevil part because of the verb in that sentence, and it's convenient to put it into one part.

And what do you mean I can't send in reviews? Are you telling me I have to get permission? That's a bit... ridiculous. I mean you're posting your story on the internet for the whole world to see, so you could get feedback right? If not, then there's some issue with your logic.

And as I scrolled up, I noticed you just took down your whole story for editing. You don't have to go to such drastic measures to edit your story. Leave it as it is and just edit it. I mean what if someone else wanted to make a suggestion? Then you'd have to take it down again and that whole process will just repeat itself.

 

[[DoubleUber]]

[deleted post] For rudeness.

 

[Astinus]

It's not a good idea to be extremely rude to your reviewers. psyanic pointed out ways to improve your story while mentioning what he liked about it, and you essentially call him an idiot and tell him that he can't read. You do not act that way towards another member on this forum. Don't do it again.

Since you removed your story, the thread is now breaking the rules of this section, but I'll let this pass because you're going to be editing in the revised chapter. But if you don't readjust your attitude towards getting opinions on your work, your thread will be closed.

 

[[DoubleUber]]

improved now. edit your posts.