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Book 1: Heartbreak and Repair (fanfiction) (AshxMay)

SgtWaffle

Advanceshipper
  • 8
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Sep 15, 2007
    Due to technical difficulties (and my own stupidity) I finally got the story up!



    Well here's Chapter 1 it's kind of short though. Here's a proverb I made up that I would like to start off with. "When a heart splits in two, one can't mend it themselves, they must find the other half which is sent to somone who doensn't know they have it."


    Book 1: Heartbreak and Repair

    Chapter 1: Misty's Good-Bye​

    It was a rainy-day in the Johtoh region. Ash had just finished at the Johtoh Silver confrence.

    "Ash," a girl with orange hair in a pony-tail to one side said to the trainer.

    "Ya, Misty" Ash replied.

    "My sisters just called," she sighed, "Looks like have to go back to Kanto for a while to watch the gym while they're on vacation."

    "Well then I'll catch up with you when you get back!" Ash said with a hopeful tone of voice.

    Misty didn't know what to do, she knew Ash liked her, but she doesn't like him. She used to like him but that was before she met Tracey.


    The Next Day at the Pier​

    Ash and company headed toward the boats, Ash was as happy as ever! He was glad to start a knew journey, but he didn't know what Misty was going to tell him. As they arived at the docks they were greeted by Tracey Sketchem.

    "Hey guys!" Tracey called out.

    "What's he doing here?" Ash said quietly, and with a hint of jealosy in his voice.

    "He's coming to Kanto with me." Misty said very quietly.

    "Why him?" Ash said louder then he intended to. "Anyone but him" Ash thought to himself.

    "C'mon Misty lets get going!" Tracey yelled across the pier.

    "Be there in a second!" Misty called out. "Brock, I need to talk to Ash." she said so Tracey couldn't hear. Brock nodded, and walked toward the boat.

    "What do you need Misty." Ash said with a smile.

    "Ash, theres some thing I need to tell you." Misty said in a whisper.

    "Yes?" Ash replied as his smile widened

    "I" Ash's hopes were getting high "love" higher "Tracey"

    "C'mon Misty! The boats gonna leave with out us!" Tracey yelled now slightly annoyed.

    "Gotta go Ash" Misty said, Ash just stared at Tracey "here take this to remember me by." she handed Ash a handkercief, and he just kept on staring.

    "What does she see in him?" Ash just kept wondering to himself, when Misty walked over to Tracey and grabbed his hand Ash's heart split in two.


    ~~~~~

    C'mon guys, please post comments so I know that someon's reading this! :classic:

    For those who are reading this (If anyone is) the rest of the story and trilogy will be on the website posted in my signature.
     
    Last edited by a moderator:
  • 10,179
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen today
    Ah...um. There are a few problems with this that I can see.

    For those who are reading this (If anyone is) the rest of the story and trilogy will be on the website posted in my signature.
    That's just a cheap way to get people to go to your website. If you are going to post the first chapter of this here, then there is no reason for you to not keep posting here. :/

    Your chapter is on the short side. Aim for three pages at the least for a substantial chapter. There's a lot more that could have been added here, like description of the setting and the characters. And not just physical descriptions of the characters. Their feelings as well should be addressed.

    Johtoh region
    It's "Johto".

    Tracey Sketchem.
    It's "Sketchit".

    These words could have easily been looked up on any Pokemon website dedicated to the anime. Some research is involved in writing fanfiction to make sure that you have the facts straight about what you are writing about.

    I really don't know what to say about your grammar. In some paragraphs, you have correct grammar and punctuation. In other paragraphs, you don't have any punctuation at all. You should check over your chapter before you post it to make sure that you don't have any mistakes. It's a basic part of writing with the idea of publishing it. (Yes, posting it on the forum does count as publishing.)

    My best advice for you is to head over to the Writing Guide v1.0. It's full of useful information you can apply to your writing.
     
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