[Pokémon] Burned

[Firework.]

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prologue
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"panting, i was ready to kill anyone that got in my way.

i grabbed my less than conscious four year-old sister,

inflated the small orange raft and jumped in.


i thought about my parents,

about Dacia,

about the boat,

but didn't look back
to watch it burn.
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disclaimer
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Rating: PG-13 (Mild violence and swearing)
Summary: Having his parents died in a boat accident, Nick Siomia struggles to raise his four year-old sister Dacia in the Altima region, a region of vast mountains, bitter tundras, sizzling deserts, and uncharted forests.
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chapter index
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one


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one
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The streets were busy. They were filled with meaningless banter and muffled shouting. It made my head hurt, but Dacia, sipping her lemonade across the table from me and giggling, seemed to take it quite well. Looking around, I saw what I heard. Busy markets in downtown Crescent City and rushed people and Pokemon whom so densely covered them. Looking back at Dacia, I noticed she was looking at me funny. Her glistening blue eyes, which usually popped right out of her skull, looked relaxed and calm. Her head was cocked and she pointed behind me.

Dacia seemed to be pointing at something by the beach, a Pokemon perhaps. I squinted my eyes and still only managed to discover that it was indeed a Pokemon, and an injured Pokemon at that. It limped helplessly across the empty beach. I stood up to get a better look.

"Brother, brother..." Dacia stuttered. "Wh-what is that?" She asked, her head still cocked in confusion. I told her I didn't know and that my vision wasn't all that good anymore. "Brother, can we go help the Pokemon?" She asked, with a frown on her face. I could tell she was sad for the Pokemon. She's always been the sympathetic one, especially towards any kind of Pokemon.

Without even waiting for my permission, Dacia got up from her chair, thumb in mouth, and looked at the small blue Pokemon wobbling our way. I followed her. "It's a, it's a..." she said, searching for an answer on the tip of her tongue. "It's a Poliwag," I told her, and she looked up at me and smiled.

She ran towards the struggling Pokemon and I followed her. The closer I got, the more damage I notice on the lone Poliwag. Along with its limping "leg" (Is Poliwag's "leg" really a leg? It seems like more of a foot), It had scratches over its eye, bruises everywhere, and it kept one eye shut. When Dacia attempted to reach out at it, Poliwag used Bubblebeam on her. She screamed and ran behind me.

It was quite obvious to me that this Poliwag was seriously hurt and that's why it wouldn't let Dacia touch him. He must have been mentally damaged by whoever beat him as well as physically, and most likely emotionally. I grabbed a potion out of my pak and slowly moved my hand towards Poliwag.

"Listen, Poliwag," I said, trying to keep as gentle of a voice as I could. "This potion will help you feel better." Poliwag cooperated, and proceeded to drink all of the potion. It seemed like a truce, like Poliwag knew I wouldn't hurt him, and therefore he would refrain from hurting me. I picked up the small, damaged Poliwag up, put it in my arms and examined his bad foot. It was black, dry, and felt warm. Burned.
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[bobandbill]

The prologue is interesting, but I will say that the huge text chosen might have been too big for that... it somewhat distracted from the prologue itself and wasn't great on the eyes either - maybe consider downsizing it then. Same goes for the text type used in the chapter - some people might find it too small, and hence the default text/text size would simply make it easier to read - unfortunately stuff is harder to read on a computer screen in general.

less than conscious

I also feel that perhaps 'unconscious' would be more to the point and simpler than that as well.

Overall certainly an attention-grabbing prologue, and interesting technique in forgoing proper grammar as well in there. The beginning is a neat set-up of the setting, I thought, as well as the introduction of the hurt Poliwag, which is a neat beginning (and a good way to link its injuries to the title of the story too ;p). I'm certainly curious to see how the following parts lead to the bit in the prologue...

There is the odd thing to watch out for - mainly repetition, really:

"Wh-what is that?"She asked, her head still cocked in confusion. I told her I didn't know and that my vision wasn't all that good anymore. "Brother, can we go help the Pokemon?" She asked, with a frown on her face

These 'She's' should be 'she' - uncapitalised as the part following the dialogue is referring directly to it, and so you can treat the dialogue and 'she asked...(etc)' as one sentence in both instances - hence the lack of a capital needed. Also in the same paragraph, the part following the two pieces of dialogue struck me as rather similar:
- she asked, her head still cocked in confusion
- she asked, with a frown on her face
Both have the same structure and both say similar things -she asked and something about her head/face. Struck me as a bit repetitive, there.

Along with its limping "leg" (Is Poliwag's "leg" really a leg? It seems like more of a foot), It had scratches over its eye, bruises everywhere, and it kept one eye shut.

The 'it' after 'foot),' doesn't need to be capitalised there as it is in the middle of the sentence. Note also that it is a bit confusing when you mention that it has scratches over its eye and then it was closed - is it the same eye, or another one? That should be mentioned, I feel.

Dacia attempted to reach out at it, Poliwag used Bubblebeam on her. She screamed and ran behind me.

I feel you could add in a bit more in the first sentence, as otherwise it sounds like you have merged two separate sentences together with a comma (e.g. ...reach out at it, but the Poliwag used...' for instance). For that matter, a bit more description could have been used - for instance, how did it attack her with bubblebeam - out of fright? Was it aimed at her hand or face? Was there a lot of bubbles or only a few because it was injured? Adding in something along those lines would make it more interesting.

He must have been mentally damaged by whoever beat him as well as physically, and most likely emotionally. I grabbed a potion out of my pak and slowly moved my hand towards Poliwag.

B'mentally damaged' says generally the same thing as 'most likely emotionally' so I feel you're just repeating yourself there, and could go without the last bit of the first sentence. Also 'pak' isn't an actual word in my knowledge unless one talks in terms of the game paks for the GBC/GBA - bag or backpack or the such would be a good substitute.

Overall though a decent start - just watch for those small issues and consider reformatting the text and prologue's size in particular. Good luck with the rest of the story!