Chaos Past, Present, and Future (R)

[emosillyputty]

The sky was dark, and the night was devoid of any moonlight, though there were a few stars. The evening was the host to empty streets, save a handful of shady characters, and the usual drunks and bums, a surprising change from the normally busy streets of Celadon. The events we are going to follow tonight involve 3 such characters, two men and a woman. The first man was named Gregory, though most just called him Greg. The man and the woman were named Frederick and Susie, respectively.

As the trio made their way to their objective, the man named Frederick, in an attempt to start up a conversation, made the remark, " The streets are so empty now, don't you think?"

"Of course it is, dumbass, why do you think we're doing this now?" came the swift reply, though in the dark, Frederick could not tell who answered him.

"So why did you guys join?" he asked for the umpteenth time, this time he could tell it was Greg who answered, "I was having money troubles, and considering my skills, this was the best option I had, if it'll make you shut up," sensing the hostility, Fred did as he was told.


As they neared the rendez-vous point, Fred began to grow nervous. "What if there's an ambush? What if the info's wrong?" he could've kept asking himself those questions, if not someone for addressing the group of twenty or so people. "Ladies and gentlemen," the woman in charge started, "We all know why we're here, and we all know what we're doing, but just for good measure, I will go over the plan once more. Group A will go in first, closely followed by group B, which will then hide and wait. group A will create a ruckus, and try and take up as much attention as possible, allowing group C to sneak up behind them and turn off the alarms, and lock the doors. Group A will then neutralize any opposition, and group B will provide support if needed. After this, do not let anyone escape, and if any hostages try to escape, kill them. Ransom demands will then be made, and if all goes well, there will be no casualties. Got it? good, now move out, Team Rocket," finished the woman with a grim smile.

 

[Astinus]

Your chapters fall on the dangerously low-quality side. I don't have much time to do a great review, but I'll give a few pointers.

With dialogue, each new speaker gets a new paragraph. So this part here of your fic

As the trio made their way to their objective, the man named Frederick, in an attempt to start up a conversation, made the remark, " The streets are so empty now, don't you think?" "Of course it is, dumbass, why do you think we're doing this now?" came the swift reply, though in the dark, Frederick could not tell who answered him. "So why did you guys join?" he asked for the umpteenth time, this time he could tell it was greg who anwered, "I was having money troubles, and considering my skills, this was the best optopn I had, if it'll make you shut up," sensing the hostility, Fred did as he was told.

will become

As the trio made their way to their objective, the man named Frederick, in an attempt to start up a conversation, made the remark, " The streets are so empty now, don't you think?"

"Of course it is, dumbass, why do you think we're doing this now?" came the swift reply, though in the dark, Frederick could not tell who answered him.

"So why did you guys join?" he asked for the umpteenth time.

This time he could tell it was greg who anwered, "I was having money troubles, and considering my skills, this was the best optopn I had, if it'll make you shut up," sensing the hostility, Fred did as he was told.

Just in this short part alone I can see many many errors. I suggest writing in some word processing program to catch the basic spelling errors. ("Option", "answered". Even the fact that proper names aren't always capitalized.) Writing in such a program will allow you to read over your chapter before posting to catch your mistakes.

Since it seems like you might need the help, I suggest applying for a beta in the Beta Thread.

You have a good story here. Just work out the basic mechanics to make it more readable so people can enjoy the story that you have.

 

[emosillyputty]

thanks, I'll do just that!

 

[JX Valentine]

thanks, I'll do just that!

You know, a review is kinda useless if you only just copy and paste the corrections instead of read the advice she gives you carefully. I'd hate to write a one-liner, but you did kinda miss this part:

With dialogue, each new speaker gets a new paragraph.

So, yeah. It's amusing, but I'm a bit discouraged from submitting a full review of your work because I'm not sure how much you'd actually take in.

Other than that, you stop just short of any action, so it feels like we're only getting part of a scene here. Are you writing in a word processor or directly onto PC? If it's the latter, please consider using a word processor (like Microsoft Word or Open Office) because saving it there gives you more time to put effort into your work before we can see it. That way, it doesn't feel like you're stopping just short of the actual action. I mean, this scene would've been more of an attention grabber, I think, if you continued and showed the audience what Team Rocket was actually doing, rather than just the rough plan. All we have right now are just voices talking to each other, which just isn't as exciting as watching people move.

 

[Astinus]

I took the time I could have used to finish writing a review for someone who would appreciate it to help you out. I used your story as an example to explain more of what I meant by the advice I gave. You took the lazy route and just copied over my fixing of your mistakes and called it done. There were other parts of your story that you should have fixed with the advice I gave you. But you didn't.

Honestly, I doubt I'm going to keep this thread open. You get advice, and you don't take the time to change your story. I didn't expect major change. But I would have figured that you would fix your mistakes by yourself.

That isn't something I want around here. You take the time to improve your story. You don't look for short-cuts.