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Character Discussion Thread

  • 4
    Posts
    13
    Years
    • Seen Jun 7, 2010
    My Characters

    My rp characters don't take long to think up, but in my view there okay with room for improvement most of the time. My characters mostly male (even though I'm a girl not bi though) usually have dark hair with gray, cloudy blue, or brown eyes, calm but easily annoyed. Doesn't trust people often because has a depressing history, or just isn't a trusting person. Also usually pushes people away making them have to try hard to gain his trust. My female characters are usually anti-me. There girly (not to the extremes though) are sometimes dumb, think only of themselves and always try to get the guy that attracts them most. See why I prefer my male characters there closer to my personality because I'm short of a tom boy
     

    Tuxedo Clank

    So laid back he is horizontal
  • 186
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Seen Oct 12, 2012
    Firstly, I just want to say this is general RP SU stuff from my experience (Which isn't very broad or great). Secondly, please feel free to disagree with me, I am used to it.

    Ok, to work...

    I didn't RP pokemon a lot a few months back but then I got the new games and long story short, I wanted to RP pokemon again. Back then I did RP other things, from medieval fantasy to futuristic superhumans. Basically this is a few things I hated to see and would put me off any RP.

    Just to get this out of the way, my basic anti-sue rules (if you don't want to read this skip it).

    Spoiler:


    Next on my list...Ah yes, the list of instant write offs for me.

    Spoiler:


    That's mostly it for things not to do. I didn't add Mary-Sue to that because it is obvious and I have a list at the top.

    Finally the things that make me jump in happiness.

    Spoiler:


    That is about it...I don't really know how to review specific SUs but if you want my opinion, check the character against the above criteria.
     

    Rabbit

    where is my mind?
  • 484
    Posts
    15
    Years
    I know this isn't critiquing anybody's SU, but I just thought I'd bring it up. When you SU for an RP, do you:
    A) Mostly use the opposite gender
    B) Have an even mix of both, or
    C) Mostly use your gender.

    I've just been thinking about it; thought it might start up conversation.

    As for myself, I normally just use the same gender, mostly because I'd feel awkward writing from a female's perspective...

    Interesting question. I used to roleplay only male characters. Any female characters I made turned out very, very boring. It was like there was a wall there. But now I roleplay mostly female characters, because...it's the other way around. All of my ideas for male characters seem like they've been done before. I expect I'll end up roleplaying an even mix of both, sooner or later. I think it's important to be able to write for both genders.

    Spoiler:

    Looks good. :) You could still add more to her history. What's happened to her in the decades after she obtained her wagon?

    Heh heh...Tauros-drawn wagon. Now I get it.

    Spoiler:

    Your character has quite a few Mary-Sue traits. That's what stands out the most, right now. I'll list them.

    1. Name: Dusk Nightfrost? Is everyone from Snowpoint Village named after something dark and/or cold? If not, you should give him a more ordinary name, because it makes him seem like he was raised by elves.

    2. Unique traits. First, you give Kay pure white hair - that means snow-white, right? Not bleached blonde? Unique hair colours, especially when not justified, make your character special in a bad way. Second, you give him ice-blue eyes. Third, you give him some glowing scars...wait, not scars, tattoos. Is he half-elf? Or perhaps the Chosen One? I like that you give him a bad eye - that fault partially downplays the 'unique traits' - but so far, he's shaping up to look like a Mary-Sue.

    3. Orphan! Bells are going off in my head.

    4. He's an orphan, and he gets an Eevee? The most desirable starter EVER? Dang, kid's got crazy luck.

    5. You mention that Kay is uncommunicative, shy, distrusting - and then you add that he's misunderstood. I really hate that word. It's a cheap ploy to make your character seem sympathetic and it doesn't explain anything. How do people understand him? Why is their perception of him incorrect? If they think he's cold and unfriendly, well, you've just said that he is, so that's not a misunderstanding.

    6. Katana? Where did he get a katana? And it's not just a normal katana - it's a magical katana!

    7. He's also got special abilities? What?

    8. Like Kay himself, his Pokemon is one in a billion. Why would it give itself a handicap through imitating Kay's right eye?

    What you have here, my good sir, is a grade A Mary Sue. Points number 6, 7, and 8 look like they were required (or at least encouraged) by the RP itself, so I probably shouldn't complain. However, regardless of the RP's plot, you need to explain where your orphan got a magical katana.
     
    Last edited:

    Dusk Nightfrost

    Forgotten ... or forgets ?
  • 13
    Posts
    14
    Years
    Spoiler:

    Guess my SU really is bad after all , but I need to clarify a few points . The magical ability and weapon part are , just as you thought , required for that particular RP . My bad for not mentioning beforehand . The katana , however , isn't magical , but is just without a blade . The magical ice blade is from the character's ability , not the katana hilt , though this misunderstanding is probably caused by my phrasing of words , so it's my fault . The names , on the other hand ... I'm just terrible with names . All the names I can think of have that trait one way or another , or just simply horrible .

    Anyways , your critique are greatly appreciated . I'm quite new to open RPs and this is my first SU since the past RPs I've joined are just those among a group of friends , so I'm still not sure about the Mary Sue traits even though I've read a bit about them . Just hope that I get the hang of these soon ...
     

    Dawn

    [span="font-size:180%;font-weight:900;color:#a568f
  • 4,594
    Posts
    15
    Years
    So I'm creating an OC character with the possibility I may start forum RP. (OC = Original Character, non canon)

    I've got a bare bones idea of what I want, but am partially stuck and looking for suggestions/critique. Please resist the urge to be redundant and critique the fact that it is in fact bare bones.

    Character bio below (Also located at it's own site https://https://rpocmarin.piczo.com/?cr=3 )
    Spoiler:
     

    Rabbit

    where is my mind?
  • 484
    Posts
    15
    Years
    So I'm creating an OC character with the possibility I may start forum RP. (OC = Original Character, non canon)

    I've got a bare bones idea of what I want, but am partially stuck and looking for suggestions/critique. Please resist the urge to be redundant and critique the fact that it is in fact bare bones.

    Character bio below (Also located at it's own site https://https://rpocmarin.piczo.com/?cr=3 )
    Spoiler:

    Well, your character seems to have an unusual appearance. Maybe you could start there. Why is she in good shape? What's with the hiking boots and an ushanka? Okay, so hiking boots are at least practical (and pretty much scream tomboy), but an ushanka is an odd fashion statement.

    I'm probably on the wrong track, but I'm thinking she's an escaped convict from a labour camp with slightly psychopathic tendencies and a remarkable capacity for violence. She hates cities with a passion. Her goal is to return to the place she was born, although if she ever gets there, she'll find it entirely changed. You could throw in something about her being an orphan, too. Any Pokemon she keeps are likely to be for self-defence rather than for trainer battles. And the ushanka is a trophy taken off of her last victim, a drunken loser who tried to pick her up.
     

    Zirkle38

    Insert Epithet.
  • 140
    Posts
    14
    Years
    First off - Wow, Rabbit. That's amazing. The fact you can look at just a few details of a totally random character and make all this background information for her, I mean. I applaud.

    Second -
    So I'm creating an OC character with the possibility I may start forum RP. (OC = Original Character, non canon)

    I've got a bare bones idea of what I want, but am partially stuck and looking for suggestions/critique. Please resist the urge to be redundant and critique the fact that it is in fact bare bones.

    Character bio below (Also located at it's own site https://https://rpocmarin.piczo.com/?cr=3 )
    Spoiler:

    Well, because this is SU is short, (not giving that phrase any connotation,) this review will be short. Maybe. Never mind.

    Skinny. BMI is in the higher healthy weight range due to muscle. Good shape. Medium length blonde hair and blue eyes. Seems to constantly wear hiking boots and flared jeans, along with an ushanka. (Example of an ushanka: https://russianstuff.com/products_pictures/157405406M.jpg) Shirt variates. She's Caucasian, as in white.

    I think you could do a better job with sentence flow, as in not having one word sentences. And use pro/nouns, they're your friends! I like to write it out more as a story, instead of just a description. Why is she wearing these things? How is she wearing her hair, and what do you consider medium? How blue are her eyes? I would have added the ushanka example at the end. Could you at least give me some kind of inkling for the shirt? Long sleeves? Button up? Belly showing? And I don't think you should say Caucasian, as in white. It's pretty obvious, so I'd stick with one or the other.
    Here's how I'd do it.
    Spoiler:
    I added in some information, but I hope you see my point?

    Feel free to disregard ^^;
     
    Last edited:

    Dawn

    [span="font-size:180%;font-weight:900;color:#a568f
  • 4,594
    Posts
    15
    Years
    I think you could do a better job with sentence flow, as in not having one word sentences. And use pro/nouns, they're your friends! I like to write it out more as a story, instead of just a description. Why is she wearing these things? How is she wearing her hair, and what do you consider medium? How blue are her eyes? I would have added the ushanka example at the end. Could you at least give me some kind of inkling for the shirt? Long sleeves? Button up? Belly showing? And I don't think you should say Caucasian, as in white. It's pretty obvious, so I'd stick with one or the other.

    When I said her shirt variates I meant she changes her style of shirt on regular basis. And her location hasn't been decided yet. She could live in a very hot area. In addition we have younger kids and people who don't speak great English here. I see no problem with being clear and obvious.

    Well, your character seems to have an unusual appearance. Maybe you could start there. Why is she in good shape? What's with the hiking boots and an ushanka? Okay, so hiking boots are at least practical (and pretty much scream tomboy), but an ushanka is an odd fashion statement.

    I fully intend to leave out any "Whys" or "Hows" in the bio, as I feel the bio should only tell things that are immediately obvious to other characters. Mainly so reading the bio doesn't spoil the RP

    I'm probably on the wrong track, but I'm thinking she's an escaped convict from a labour camp with slightly psychopathic tendencies and a remarkable capacity for violence. She hates cities with a passion. Her goal is to return to the place she was born, although if she ever gets there, she'll find it entirely changed. You could throw in something about her being an orphan, too. Any Pokemon she keeps are likely to be for self-defence rather than for trainer battles. And the ushanka is a trophy taken off of her last victim, a drunken loser who tried to pick her up.

    This is... very good! I like this. I might take it and try to mold it into something that would work for me. Obviously it would need a bit adjusting for my/her personality.
     

    Zirkle38

    Insert Epithet.
  • 140
    Posts
    14
    Years
    When I said her shirt variates I meant she changes her style of shirt on regular basis. And her location hasn't been decided yet. She could live in a very hot area. In addition we have younger kids and people who don't speak great English here. I see no problem with being clear and obvious.

    Well, if she's wearing a hat made out of fur, I'd find it odd that she was living somewhere very hot. I will admit, when I read ushanka, I thought of Russia which has a cold climate. I suppose a better word was redundant than. I find repetition to be annoying, especially when I just that she was Caucasian. If you're concerned with children and people who don't live in North America, Europe, and other places where the majority of the population is Caucasian, I'd just say white then. Honestly, if I read a word I don't know, I Google it, or look it up.
     

    Rabbit

    where is my mind?
  • 484
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Fellas, fellas. Let's not quibble over word choice. The right place for that is the FanFic forum.

    I like to leave out pronouns from my sign-up sheets too. I just get frustrated writing 'She is' and 'She has' over and over again. Cut that stuff out and it's way less repetitive. :B
     

    Dawn

    [span="font-size:180%;font-weight:900;color:#a568f
  • 4,594
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Fellas, fellas. Let's not quibble over word choice. The right place for that is the FanFic forum.

    I like to leave out pronouns from my sign-up sheets too. I just get frustrated writing 'She is' and 'She has' over and over again. Cut that stuff out and it's way less repetitive. :B

    I agree. I also find it very detracting from the RP when everything you could ever want to know about a character is in the bio.
     

    XxRogueTrainerxX

    Needs a better username
  • 269
    Posts
    13
    Years
    This is my first character, so it's far from perfect. I may have said too much, but I'll know next time to shorten my descriptions. Also, sorry about the color changes - the text color was being lousy.

    Full Name: Bryan Drake Allister

    Age: 15 (Born on August 1, 1994)

    Gender: Male

    Appearance: Bryan is tall and slender, standing at 6'1" and weighing a mere 145 pounds. He has medium-length light brown hair that he often styles with gel. When the sun shines on it, it vaguely resembles a lion's mane. His skin tone is unnaturally pale, but it looks strangely beautiful in the moonlight. Although he isn't very satisfied with his facial features, they are actually quite attractive. His cobalt blue eyes shine like a clear summer sky. A slightly pointed nose and a somewhat handsome smile complete these features. As for clothing, Bryan prefers to dress lightly, since he grew up in a warm, moist climate. Formal suits and polo shirts disgust him. He could never envision himself wearing any of the two. Instead, he wears a casual black or gray t-shirt that hugs his torso. Tighter shirts have always been his preference. His black leather jacket, which he had won in a bet not too long ago, is his favorite possession as far as clothing goes. Because it's relatively light, he often wears it even while traveling in sweltering heat, mostly due to him growing up in a region that is warm year round. Most of the time, he wears faded blue jeans with a thick black belt. He cut a small loop in the belt and attached a strong bonding system to fasten his satchel to it, eliminating the need to strap it over his shoulder. His brown satchel is surprisingly spacious despite its small exterior. It has six different sections, each serving a different purpose. He uses one section for empty Poke Balls, one for medicines, one for stones and other items, one for food, one section for his Pokemons' Poke Balls, and one section for important items. Running shoes bathed in a military gray and black color complete the ensemble.

    Personality: Since infancy, Bryan has always exhibited characteristics of ambition and determination. He is always looking for new ways to become stronger, both physically and mentally. Wilderness survival is one of his strongest points. He is rather intelligent for his age, and he applies various strategies to every battle he fights, whether it be using his opponents' attacks against them or using the environment around him to his advantage. Although Bryan is headstrong and stubborn, he also has a passionate and caring side, especially when he sees a person in need. He believes that the satisfaction and encouragement of others is the key to becoming stronger mentally. Bryan also has a good sense of humor, often mocking his opponents' battling techniques and occasionally cracking jokes. Although when he defeats an opponent, he often congratulates them for trying. Even though he has a wild side, he is very loyal and kind to his Pokemon, and treats them like family, not just comrades.


    History: Bryan was born a few minutes after midnight on the first of August, 1994, in Solaceon Town. He was born prematurely, about two weeks early. His mother tragically died while giving birth to him due to unforeseen complications. This left Bryan's father, an archaeologist working at the ruins on the outskirts of town, to take care of him. Even without his mother, Bryan still enjoyed a normal infancy and toddlerhood. He became unusually interested in books, and he read almost constantly. This allowed him to develop an extensive vocabulary and a sharp mind early in his childhood. When he was five years old, he received his first Pokemon, courtesy of his father, a baby Gible. Since Bryan had a love for Pokemon at such a young age, his father knew that Bryan would train it and develop a close friendship with it. Bryan played with it every day and won his first Trainer battle not long after. At the tender age of six, tragedy struck yet again when Bryan's father was killed when one of the ruins he was working at collapsed. In the wake of grief, Bryan decided to embark on a journey with Gible. He had no idea where he was going, but one thing was certain: He had to leave Sinnoh. Bryan felt that if he stayed, he wouldn't be able to shake the feeling of sadness that plagued him, since simply being in Sinnoh would remind him of his dead father. He bid Solaceon a final farewell, and began his adventure, a six-year-old boy carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He walked for miles and miles, sometimes going a few days without eating. Luckily, there were many towns and cities along the way, and he often pilfered food and supplies from local Poke Marts to allow him to survive. Bryan and Gible became very close, often challenging wandering Trainers to battles and winning almost all of them. Bryan now makes his home in the Ferius region, an area with deserts and wastelands covering approximately two-fifths of it. Ferius has crime lurking in every corner. Bryan, now aged 15, decided that he should form an organization of able Pokemon Trainers to help put a stop to this crime. He believed that he would make his parents proud if he made a difference in the world for both humans and Pokemon alike. This new organization came to be known as the SRT, or Stability Revival Team for short. Although the SRT is small in quantity, Bryan is actively looking for new members.

    Pokemon:

    Gabite
    Bryan's Gabite was given to him as a baby Gible as a gift from his father when Bryan was five years old. His father found it wandering around the ruins. Gible and Bryan developed a very close relationship over the years. It later evolved into Gabite during a Trainer battle. Gabite's known moves are Dragon Rage, Secret Power, Rock Tomb, and Sandstorm.

    Cacnea
    Bryan found Cacnea while he was walking through an arid desert when he first reached Ferius. The Cacnea took an instant liking to Bryan, and began actively following him. After some contemplation, Bryan decided to take Cacnea with him. Although Cacnea's mischief has gotten him into trouble at times, he still cherishes it. Cacnea's known moves are Brick Break, Ingrain, Needle Arm, and Facade.

    Staryu
    While en route to a nearby oasis city in Ferius, Bryan found a Staryu floating on a small pond in the middle of the desert. The Staryu was fatigued, as if it hadn't eaten for days. Bryan gave it some of the Pokemon food he was carrying. The Staryu warmed up to Bryan and wanted to travel with him. Bryan happily accepted. Staryu's known moves are Water Pulse, Confusion, Rapid Spin, and Recover.

    Luxio
    Luxio was caught as a Shinx, courtesy of Cacnea. Cacnea's incorrigible knack for trouble sent it wandering into a den full of Shinxes. Terrified, Cacnea ran out of the den, followed by about twenty Shinxes. After scolding Cacnea for wandering off, he ordered Cacnea and Gabite to control the angry Shinx pack. Although almost all of them ran off in fear, one remained. Instead of knocking it out, Bryan showed remorse for the Shinx and decided to catch it. Shinx later evolved into Luxio during a training session. Luxio's known moves are Shock Wave, Charge, Bite, and Mean Look.
     
  • 2
    Posts
    13
    Years
    • Seen Aug 29, 2010
    i usualy use online dress up games to create some random thing, give it a name that suits, and build up from there :)

    (like my profile pic)
     

    Dark Pulse94

    Scienta Potentia Est
  • 388
    Posts
    13
    Years
    ok, this is my Character. I've been looking for a place to put him as I want to develop him.

    Name: Jacob Darkon
    Age: 23 (born 29th Feb)
    Appearance: Jacob is tall, pale skin, and has hair that covers his eyes (it is also combined with his posture, always looking slightly down).
    Pesonality: Very self-sustaining, doesn't talk or interact with people very much, but when alone he is very caring. He also has an air of self-richeousness

    Biography

    Early Years: on the 24th of September, Jacob was born In the Verdanturf town. His mother died in childbirth, and his Blood-red eyes terrified his father so much that he thought it was a bad omen, and orphaned the child as a baby (in Mauville City, where the Pokemon day-care is now).

    Childhood: While in the pokemon orphanage, he was avoided by all the other children, and the caretakers told him not to go outside.
    He took to pokemn at a very early age. pokemon seemed not to fear him like others did, and treated him like any other person. His first pokemon was a Roughnor (see https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthr...=229005&page=2 on my post, it evolves into my pokemon.)
    By age 8, he was the champion of the orphanage at pokemon battles, even against the elder orphans. As a result, nobody wanted to battle him. He has never lost a battle.
    while he was unwanted and kept to himself, he was kindhearted to anyone who would speak to him, even though deep inside, he hated being alive, and had only the pleasures of his Pokemon (by then, Roughnor, Duskull and Absol). but when he turned 12, that all changed the orphanage went out on a field trip, but he wasn't allowed to go. he was left alone in the orphanage. after a whole day and night alone, he left and travelled through the town, hearing whispers from the villagers, saying "that's that orphan, the demon" and other things like that. people shut their windows, and he was left by himself. he was ruthless and viscious ever since then. they wanted a demon, they would get one.

    Teen Years:After he turned 16, he left the Orphanage, he said that he wanted to travel, so he did. he travelled all over the place. through cities, across several regions, he has been through all the lands, but hasn't gained a single Gym badge. He attempted the Elite four but was turned down because of that. he simply said "No matter, i just wanted my training to be quicker, i guess i'll train the long way" and left.

    Adulthood: When he turned 20, he had his very first Birthday. After the Defeat of Nightmare, Woody (a grass type elite four member attempting to stop Nightmare) thanked him, and demanded to know who he was, his only reply was "you could at least say Happy Birthday First" before turning to leave. Woody refused to let Jacob Leave without joining the celebration in the city. Jacob accepted his offer, but asked woody not speak a word of him or his involvement in Nightmare's defeat. After the celebration he left, heading off to a new region...
    He defeated team Rocket (age 18), Galactic (18), Plasma (19), Void (19) (wanted to use the power of Darkrai to block out the sun) and Nightmare (on his 20th Birthday) (Nightmare were essentially terrorist of the Akachi region) single-handedly (while Woody and the others were struggling, Jacob came in on Bladian's Back, and defeated all the trainers, before proceeding the leader), saying they were not worthy of such power they desired (note: this means he isn't actually evil, just power-hungry)

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    ok, this is my entry for the get-together, but I also want to develop him further and make him more real, tell me what you think

     

    BlazingRose

    Burning flower~
  • 6
    Posts
    13
    Years
    This is my first character. I don't think I gave much detail on her though... what do you think? I didn't give much on her history, mostly because it was uneventful and she'd only 12. But if you think that I could add more to it and you could give me advice how to add to it, that would be great.

    Name: Jamie Hannah Rose

    Age: 12

    Gender: Female

    Personality: Jamie is generally good-natured, and will listen to anyone that tries to talk to her. She can be defensive, but will usually control herself if she brings it too far. She is kind, and will put others before her most of the time. When it comes to awkward situations she will bottle up and get embarassed; she has been shy most of her life after an experience she had in her school's assembly. Her main ambition is to overcome her fears of standing up to people, as she feels that it is an important quality. She will come to the aid of any person or Pokemon that needs help, even if it is a Poison-type, which she is not too keen on.

    Appearance: Jamie has long blue-grey hair that's quite straight, and she doesn't usually like to show it, so she wears a dark red beanie hat to cover it up. Her eyes are a beautiful silver hue, like fresh mountain ice. She wears a black and red shirt, black jeans that are fairly close-fitting, red trainers that are a bit worn, black fingerless gloves and a white scarf around her neck. For Pokemon competitions, she wears a black, slightly sparkling dress that comes down just above her knees, smart black trainers and she ties her hair back in a ponytail. When swimming / at the beach, she will wear a simple red bikini. However, she feels slightly body-conscious when wearing it because she's not particularly used to wearing revealing clothes as such.

    History: Jamie grew up in Ecruteak City without any brothers or sisters. When she was 11 she got her first Pokemon, a Riolu who had been named Chip by its previous owner. A week later she caught an Eevee whom she named Shadow. Over time her Pokemon closely bonded with her. When she was battling the Ecruteak Gym Leader Morty, her Eevee began to evolve. Considering as it was winter, and the sky had already gone dark, the Eevee evolved into Umbreon, thus learning Dark Pulse as well. This allowed her to win her Gym battle. She now has two Gym badges, and is aiming to travel to Blackthorn to battle the Gym Leader there.

    Pokémon:
    Chip, male Riolu. Moves: Aura Sphere, Force Palm, Leer, Pound

    Shadow, male Umbreon. Moves: Shadow Ball, Growl, Sand-Attack, Dark Pulse
     
    Last edited:

    dragonite149

    I am not male
  • 594
    Posts
    13
    Years
    My views are in bold.
    ok, this is my Character. I've been looking for a place to put him as I want to develop him.

    Name: Jacob Darkon
    Age: 23 (born 29th Feb)
    Appearance: Jacob is tall, pale skin, and has hair that covers his eyes (it is also combined with his posture, always looking slightly down).
    The appearance is too short. It doesn't give much info.
    Pesonality: Very self-sustaining, doesn't talk or interact with people very much, but when alone he is very caring. He also has an air of self-richeousness
    First sentence seems like a list. Overall, Personality is too short and it doesn't give much info. Not very many imperfections make this character Gary-Stuish.

    Biography

    Early Years: on the 24th of September, Jacob was born In the Verdanturf town. His mother died in childbirth, and his Blood-red eyes terrified his father so much that he thought it was a bad omen, and orphaned the child as a baby (in Mauville City, where the Pokemon day-care is now).
    Again, doesn't give much info.

    Childhood: While in the pokemon orphanage, he was avoided by all the other children, and the caretakers told him not to go outside.
    He took to pokemn at a very early age. pokemon seemed not to fear him like others did, and treated him like any other person. His first pokemon was a Roughnor (see https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthr...=229005&page=2 on my post, it evolves into my pokemon.)
    By age 8, he was the champion of the orphanage at pokemon battles, even against the elder orphans. As a result, nobody wanted to battle him. He has never lost a battle.
    while he was unwanted and kept to himself, he was kindhearted to anyone who would speak to him, even though deep inside, he hated being alive, and had only the pleasures of his Pokemon (by then, Roughnor, Duskull and Absol). but when he turned 12, that all changed the orphanage went out on a field trip, but he wasn't allowed to go. he was left alone in the orphanage. after a whole day and night alone, he left and travelled through the town, hearing whispers from the villagers, saying "that's that orphan, the demon" and other things like that. people shut their windows, and he was left by himself. he was ruthless and viscious ever since then. they wanted a demon, they would get one.
    Never losing a battle, especially one against a older kid.Seems very Gary Stuish.

    Teen Years:After he turned 16, he left the Orphanage, he said that he wanted to travel, so he did. he travelled all over the place. through cities, across several regions, he has been through all the lands, but hasn't gained a single Gym badge. He attempted the Elite four but was turned down because of that. he simply said "No matter, i just wanted my training to be quicker, i guess i'll train the long way" and left.

    Adulthood: When he turned 20, he had his very first Birthday. After the Defeat of Nightmare, Woody (a grass type elite four member attempting to stop Nightmare) thanked him, and demanded to know who he was, his only reply was "you could at least say Happy Birthday First" before turning to leave. Woody refused to let Jacob Leave without joining the celebration in the city. Jacob accepted his offer, but asked woody not speak a word of him or his involvement in Nightmare's defeat. After the celebration he left, heading off to a new region...
    He defeated team Rocket (age 18), Galactic (18), Plasma (19), Void (19) (wanted to use the power of Darkrai to block out the sun) and Nightmare (on his 20th Birthday) (Nightmare were essentially terrorist of the Akachi region) single-handedly (while Woody and the others were struggling, Jacob came in on Bladian's Back, and defeated all the trainers, before proceeding the leader), saying they were not worthy of such power they desired (note: this means he isn't actually evil, just power-hungry)

    -------------------------------------------------------------
    Defeating a villianous team single Handedly, when the E4 were struggling? Seems like a Gary Stu to me.

    ok, this is my entry for the get-together, but I also want to develop him further and make him more real, tell me what you think

    You could improve this character a lot.
     

    GrifSpark

    Your personal livin' Pokedex
  • 629
    Posts
    13
    Years
    Let's see if ole' GrifSpark can help yee' with ya'r SU's.

    (Don't worry. I shan't write like that through it all)

    Dark Pulse94

    Let's start chronologically, shall we?

    First off, the appearance.
    'Tall' can be taken in many different ways. I may think 5'10 is tall, while someone else might think of 6'7 (Ta~ll...), so it's best to specify a little more about the height.
    His hair may cover his eyes, but what colour is it? Brown? Black? Green? Always a good idea to state the colour of things, which brings me onto eyes. Even if they are covered by his hair, they must have a colour.
    And then we come onto his clothing. From what I have read (And in no way quoted from the first post), he may as well be wearing nothing. I think the only time when clothing isn't needed is if you are actually playing as a Pokemon, and even then they tend to wear a bow or something like that.

    Personality
    You seem to have created the classic anti-hero. While he acts harsh and often cruel on the outside, his sole wish is to help people. Don't be afraid to step out of the box a little when designing your character's personality.
    Does he have any hobbies? Maybe he has some kind of fear (As long as it's not Papaphobia. Fear of the Pope...)?

    History
    I can see very little wrong with this section, other than the fact that you've created a new Pokemon. This is always a difficult situation, and is usually un-allowed in most RPG's. But toher than that, the history seems fine.

    This review has been brought to you from 343 Indus-

    Anywho, that was a fairly short review, but I hope it helps ya'll! Tallyho, my fellow RP'rs. Live long and prosper, etcetera, etcetera...
     
  • 16
    Posts
    13
    Years
    Okay, so this is the first time ever that i have really, i mean REALLY tried to do something like this and this is what i have so far. I am having so much trouble coming up with a history, so if you would like to give me a few pointers on that it would be greatly appreciated. So let me know what you think and critique me hard, haha, i really want to improve. Also, i'm not sure that my spell-checker is working right, so i apologize for any misspellings. Thanks!



    Name: Teric Bellamy
    Age: 14
    Gender: Female


    Appearance:
    Holding her head high at a whopping 4' 6", you can see her lightly toned, childish muscle under soft pale skin. Deep chocolate spiral curls fall over her slightly pink cheeks, that turn to soft waves near her ears and reach down to the middle of her back. Multi-faceted green eyes peer through too long bangs, on either side of a thin cute nose dusted evenly with barely visible freckles. Full delicate lips part into a small pearly grin that defines a cutely clefted chin.
    Around her neck she wears a silver heart pendant, with two tiny saphires fastened to the middle, on a thin silver chain. A too long, green and black striped hooded jacket, fit snuggly to her thin frame falls just below the hem of her blue jean mid thigh shorts. Her spindly legs are mostly covered by a pair of thigh-high black leggings. For shoes, she has a pair of simple, black hi-top sneakers with thick soles that add about an inch to her height, with bright green laces.



    Personality:
    Confident and cheerful, Teric is usually smiling and enthusiastic. However being a 14 year old girl, she is equipped with the temper of a volcano. She is nervous and indesicive under pressure, and is very naive. Though skillful with her Pokemon partners when she stops to think things through, she often gets very hasty and can become slightly cocky. She is kindhearted and eager for others to be pleased with her. She is very exciteable about everything, even if it's very minor.
    She gets bored very easily, and may become rather annoying if not given something to do. She can always make you laugh, and pick you up when you're feeling low. She can be nosy at times, and very persistant to know what you're thinking. She's sincere and trustworthy, and knowledgeable for her age. She is a gentle trainer, but requires respect from her pokemon and fellow trainers. She beleives that positive reinforcement is the best way to train.
     

    slls81

    What does that even mean?
  • 1,512
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Brittani1123

    Appearance
    Okay, what you've done here is a classic example of what I call the 'list approach'. You've just taken each body part in turn and described it. While this gets the characters appearance across, it gets very repetitive and can be boring to read.

    The thing with descriptions of a characters appearance is that you don't have to tell people every little detail. Pick up your favourite book, and read the character descriptions. The author won't go into detail on every aspect of a character, they'll focus on a few select points and move on. I know that RPing is different to writing a book, but I think the point still stands.

    When I write a character appearance, I usually try to find two or three things about the characters appearance that I really want to stand out, and then concentrate on those aspects. Maybe the character has an interesting birth mark, or a dazzling smile? Whatever it is, focus on what makes your character different from everyone else. Of course still reference hair colour and the like, but find something to be the focus of the description. This helps to avoid the 'list approach'.

    I also recommend trying to add a bit of the characters personality into the appearance section. This can be something as simple as saying that the character is self conscious of their weight, and always wears baggy clothes to combat this. This is a simple example, but can help create some depth to the character and helps the reader relate.

    Personality
    I know this isn't really personality, but I think it should be referenced here (or history if you have one). You've gone for a unique name in 'Teric', and as someone reading the profile I'd want to know where this name came from... especially with a surname like Bellamy. It can be as simple as saying Teric's mother was from a different culture, and this opens up the possibility of talking about Teric's upbringing. Did her mother impart the traditions or values of her culture on her daughter? How has this affected Teric? It could add a new layer to the character, and also helps explain the choice of name.

    Right, on to your personality section. You have a couple of contradictions in there. You have Teric as 'nervous and indecisive', but a few lines later she 'often gets very hasty and can become slightly cocky'. If she's indecisive, she can't be hasty as well. The two terms contradict each other. You also refer to her as 'confident', which again contradicts the 'nervous' statement.

    Her personality just seems a bit all over the place. I think you would be better to just focus on one personality trait, and build slowly around it. Maybe throw in a couple of experiences from her past to show why she feels and acts the way she does.
    ---------------------
    Sorry that was so long, I got a bit carried away :P. I hope that it makes sense, and that at least some of it is helpful to you. If you want to ask any questions about what I said, or it doesn't make sense feel free :)
     
  • 16
    Posts
    13
    Years
    Oh my gosh! THANK YOU!!!! i have been looking for a decent critique for DAYS! lol every single one ive gotten on any other site was like 3 words long and left me thinking "huh?" haha. THANKS SO MUCH!!
     
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