[Pokémon] Creepypasta- A Grim Day for Hoenn

[Armour Lapras]

How would a person feel when facing a legendary? You be the judge, or read this situation.
(I'll do 1 chapter per day.)

Chapter One

Everyone around had gone to their homes. Lightning was flashing occasionally. My Combusken came closer to me. I put him back in his PokeBall. Thunder growled from the clouds.

I was halfway through my Gym-conquering journey. I had just squashed my dad, and I was standing on the beach at Lilycove, taking a break. I was wondering why no one was about.

Then all of a sudden, the clouds above me swirled together, like a whirlpool. Inside it was pitch black darkness. Thunder rumbled louder. I felt a sudden instinct, that something was not right. I started running towards the nearby PokeCentre, but a gale of wind pushed me back. I fell. Too late.

A glaring light suddenly came from the 'whirlpool'. My PokeBalls short-circuited. There were my Pokemon: Combusken, Gloom, Manectric, Bagon, Tentacruel and Swellow. They were all shaking.

We all looked at the hole. Something was emerging! A long, green body.

Suddenly my Pokemon moved forward. Their eyes were glowing! They started to howl, I tried to get to them, but the wind was too strong. The Pokemon was coming closer....

It was facing me. I stared into its eyes, daringly. They were fiery and showed anger. Its body had markings which were glowing yellow.

It let out a loud roar into my face. I stumbled back, feeling its cold breath. It was equal to a breeze! I didn't need the roar to tell me I was facing something powerful and grand.

Instinctively, I shouted, "Combusken, Ember!" Combusken moved, but the movement seemed hesitant.

The dragon rose. Its mouth was gaping open. It turned to my Combusken and whipped its tail in his face.

"Oh, you..." I muttered. I was no longer scared of this thing, I was angry. It had hurt my beloved Combusken!

The dragon turned to me. I lost all my confidence right there. The look was enough. I turned my back to it, and began to flee. I tripped on a rock, my head spinning.

I was just about to faint, when I felt the monster' breath on my face again. I tried to lift myself, but my eyes automatically shut. I had fainted, and was finally able to finish the nightmare and wake up in Cove Lily Motel.

 

[Nolafus]

Hello there and welcome to PC! :D

The weather was stormy.

I have issues with this first sentence. Although there's technically nothing wrong with it, all the description that comes after it now seems redundant. I would take it out since I'd much rather the description show me it's stormy, rather than this sentence tell me.

Something was emerging! A long-body. A green one!

I've never been a fan of exclamation points in a story since it makes it seem as if you're trying to create excitement in a desperate way. It could just be me, but I don't like them.

This first chapter seems too short. I'm afraid I'm going to have to request you work on this one a little bit more before I can allow you to post further chapters.

If you're struggling for length, try adding more description. Right now, the story seems a little choppy. In other words, there's hardly any transition going on and that is going to greatly reduce the length. There isn't much detail going on either. I can guess at what the finer details are, but I'd rather not. Think of things like the body language of the pokemon, how the environment is reacting to the winds, and things like that. I realize you have most of these things, but they feel rushed over. Try expanding on those points, and you should be good.

I feel like the story is there, but not quite the execution. I can imagine encountering a legendary could be a truly terrifying experience, and you do capture some of that fear here, but I feel like there's a lot to improve on. If you could work on this first chapter a little bit more, we'd be good to go.

 

[Armour Lapras]

I rubbed my eyes. What had the nightmare been about? I was quickly forgetting. "Some dragon..." I muttered. Then got up to begin my day.

The breakfast room of the motel was full. People around me were all talking in a happy tone. I sat down. I didn't feel hungry, but my mom had said said that I should eat plenty of food so that I have energy while travelling. I sipped a glass of milk.

Then suddenly, the person sitting next to me stood up. He had been sitting alone. He was muttering something under his breath. He seemed tense. I wondered what had happened.

"Excuse me.."

But he was already out.

I kept sitting there. Weird.... I thought.

I glanced out the window. Thick black clouds were filling the sky. I decided I needed some air, so I walked out, leaving my toast on the table, untouched.

I ran to the sandy beach. It was empty, though there was a man jogging in the distance. I couldn't see who it was. I let out my Combusken. I bet he couldn't wait to be let out. He must hate being stuffed in a silly ball.

I took out my PokeNav and brought up the map. It seemed that the next gym was in Mossdeep, across the water. My Tentacruel knew Surf, so I had nothing to worry about.

I looked back at the man jogging closer. I could see him more clearly, as he had come down to the beach. He stood, panting. Then, he turned to me.

The sky suddenly growled out thunder. I got up and went to the man. He looked about 60, though he was fast!

"Hello!" I called out, walking up to him.

The man kept staring. Then he stood up straight, and replied, "You heard that?"

"The thunder? Yes." I said.

"That wasn't any old thunder," (he looked up at his white hair) "that was a growl from the clouds."

Did he read my thoughts? I kept that to myself.

"Do you know of the Creators of Water and Earth?" he asked.

"I do." Both Team Magma and Aqua grunts kept mentioning them.

"Good. Now do you know of the war that was waged between them?"

"Yes."

"Who had calmed them?"

That was something I did not know.

"It... was Rayquaza." Thunder echoed all around the beach when he paused.

"Oh... I see."

"Yes. The marauder of the skies. It is rumoured that he never lands on Earth. Keeps on flying for eternity."

I didn't know what this old man was mumbling about. Sure, it could add to a mythology or history book, but after everything I heard about those legendaries, I decided I didn't need to know all this. I was just an ordinary trainer!

"But with determination, you can become Hoenn's saviour." he whispered.

So he did read my thoughts. Whatever. I was bored now, and it had gotten chilly. I decided to go to the big Lilycove Mart, and began walking away.

"Do not walk away from legends, May! You might turn out to be one someday!" the old man shouted.

Great. He knew my name. I didn't turn back, and began climbing back up. The only thing I wanted to be was the Champion, so I was going to buy some Max Potions for the quest now.

 

[Armour Lapras]

Chapter Three



It had been quite a while since my last visit with the mysterious old man. I had bought supplies, battled some Ace Trainers, and decided that I would start Surfing towards Mossdeep tomorrow. The sky had remained dark the whole time, and with the arrival of evening, it was darker still.

I was sitting in the PokeCentre, watching news on the TV.

"... the situation at Sootopolis has not improved. The monsters have not yet calmed down yer, though Steven Stone, Champion of Hoenn, has arrived at the scene."

"What monsters? I asked a neighborly watcher.

"Kyogre and Groudon. Have you not heard hat they have been revived by Team Magma and Aqua?" he replied.

"Oh... I see..." I turned back to the TV.

"It seems that the stormy and the sudden sunny weather is resulting from the war currently being waged between the beasts." the reporter said.

"Here you go, May! I've healed your Pokemon!" Nurse Joy called me.

I went over. And guess who was standing at the counter? The mystery man!

"You heard the news? Kyogre and Groudon..." he started.

"Yeah, stop." I walked away.

"Do not walk away from your fate!" he called after me.