Darker Than Black [prologue for now][T for now too]

Spanish John

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    Darker Than Black [prologue for now][PG13-borderline R for now]

    Darker Than Black
    Prologue: Bloody Rain

    And there she stood, in all her "gloriousness". Her black hair was ruffled, and her red eyes glared out over the misty fog from her viewpoint at the top of this steep, skyscraping cliff. Her protruding cat ears were flattened against her skull, and her tail limped between her legs. The tight black clothing against her pale skin was ripped in some areas. Her eyes shifted downward as the rain began to fall, washing away some blood from her emotionless face, her small hands, and the patches and splatters of the red liquid across her body. Her eyes focused on where the body should have fallen.

    She was the legendary Pokemon, the wonderful, the great. How could she have been reduced...to something like this?

    The rain fell from the grey sky, perhaps responding to the cold heartlessness she felt. Perhaps it was responding to the small flicker of remorse deep inside her. She smirked at this thought and a small, humourless "Ha!" escaped her.

    She turned to walk away, away from that hate, that jealousy. Towards what very well could be her end.

    -x-x-x-x-

    Author's Note: This story took a turn for the...violent.
    Also, this story will be continued, pay no mind to my later post...temporary depression, I suppose...something like that.
    One last thing, this is not related to the anime of the same title. I'm just borrowing it for the purposes of this story. >>"
     
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    Spanish John said:
    She smirked at this thought and a small, humourless "Ha!" escaped her.
    Click to expand...
    Misspelling. It is in bold. There is only one u in humorless, unless that is an English thing, I don't know. Just run it through a spell checker next time, 'kay? And why was it so friggin short? You should at least try to get a whole page in, but I'm not forcing you. Also, please keep the text at the forum default. If you really had read the rules, instead of putting that single part of them in your signature, you would know this. Other than that, your story had few mistakes, but was confusing. What is 'the legendary pokemon' and why was it some sort of cat creature? Also, why not give your readers some plot, huh? That would be nice. it does seem somewhat orginal, I can't tell from what you wrote though. Anyways, spellcheck, more story if possible, and please do not write in the reply box!
     
    Hippy! said:
    Misspelling. It is in bold. There is only one u in humorless, unless that is an English thing, I don't know. Just run it through a spell checker next time, 'kay? And why was it so friggin short? You should at least try to get a whole page in, but I'm not forcing you. Also, please keep the text at the forum default. If you really had read the rules, instead of putting that single part of them in your signature, you would know this. Other than that, your story had few mistakes, but was confusing. What is 'the legendary pokemon' and why was it some sort of cat creature? Also, why not give your readers some plot, huh? That would be nice. it does seem somewhat orginal, I can't tell from what you wrote though. Anyways, spellcheck, more story if possible, and please do not write in the reply box!
    Click to expand...
    Ah, sorry. It was a prologue, intended to be short, give some small insight to the story, things like that.
    Humourless is spelled right, it is an English thing.    ​
     
    I echo such sentiments as Hippy!'s; it was way too short and frankly... just a skeleton. Although the grammar and spelling are fairly good, you need more substainance. Why is this legendary Pokemon what sounds like a Neko? Why is she on a building in the rain after what I assume to be a fight?

    Frankly... why should we, the audience, care about this creature, whatever she is exactly? You need to write out more more details so we understand in full what is going on here, and make it so it hooks we the readers in. Right now, it's a tad too short, lacking in good material, and makes me no longer want to read whatever is to come next.


    EDIT, because I was ninja'd in my post:
    I can understand a short prologue, for certain; you just need to tie it all together a bit more. It feels like the audience has been shoved onto this building with this odd legendary person... Pokemon... thing, without the "how? when? where?" or "why?".
     
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    DO NOT TELL ME YOU ARE GIVING UP THAT EASILY! Seriously, just because some people did not give mindless praise to it does not mean you should give up so easily. Just because I treated you like a n00b does not mean you are one. Just get better. I did say I showed an interest in this (really, I did) so please do not just give up. Give it another chance, an if your first chapter is extremely n00bish, then maybe you have the right to give up. Otherwise NO!

    Hippy! said:
    I do think this is interesting.
    Click to expand...
    See, I did say it!
     
    *rubs her head* Now, now, I wasn't trying to be mean in my... well, I guess I can't exactly call any of that advice, now can I? I echo Hippy! again; don't give up so easily just because you aren't the next J.K. Rowling, as I told someone before, long ago. Your story needs work, yes, but when someone tells you how what's gone wrong... *pumps fist* you go out there and try to fix it! If all goes wrong still... well, good writing takes time and practice; lots of it.

    If you like, perhaps I can find one of my older works and point out/analyize what I mean by your story needing details and meat, if you don't understand?


    EDIT: and "n00bish" isn't how I'd put it; novice. N00bish makes me think of someone who writes... well, really innapropriate (in content) stories just to get banned, which this is not. oo;
     
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    And despite the opinions to the contrary, I think that this isn't all that n00bish.

    Short prologues as a general rule should be accompanied by a longer opening chapter, but I see nothing wrong with prologues that are short, especially since this prologue does exactly what a prologue's job is supposed to be: it makes me wonder what's going on, and sets a backdrop for the rest of the story. Everything I see is now going to be taken in the context of the prologue.

    By the way, while it isn't a general rule, stylistic choices on the part of the author can be used to justify shorter chapters. If the story is meant to be told with short, but well-thought out chapters it can be. I mean, there's a reason the "drabble" exists.

    The small font could be part of the problem, in my opinion. If you put your chapters in standard font, it would make them look more like their actual length. Of course, then you lose the advantage of smaller text, which inexplicably makes your posts look smarter and better-thought-out. (No, I don't know why it works that way, it just does).

    But seriously, reviewers: don't call 'foul' just on basis of a prologue. I would say that the writing itself is fine, though the prologue should have been posted along with chapter one to avoid the stand-alone short issue. But really, for a first-timer this seems to me to have the potential to be very well thought it.

    Although I do remember, for some reason, an anime called Darker Than Black out there somewhere... is that any relation to this story?
     
    Hi everybody! (Hi, Dr. Nick!)

    I'm agreeing with AC...The... :/ The above poster (I still love you!) in that you can't very quickly judge a prologue as "bad writing" just because it's short. There's nothing really more that Spanish John could add to this prologue to make it longer without making it seem like "too much".

    Look, prologues are used to intrigue readers from the get-go. I'm intrigued. I want to know more about this wounded creature.

    It feels like the audience has been shoved onto this building with this odd legendary person... Pokemon... thing, without the "how? when? where?" or "why?".
    Click to expand...
    o_____________O That's the point of the prologue. You want to read more about this creature to find out "how, when, where, why did this happen?" It's not going to be all explained in the prologue because that's just odd. Like I said, prologues are meant to hook the reader into reading the rest of the story. The rest of the story is to explain the prologue.

    It's like a prologue that starts in the midst of the story. The character is in a situation that's taken from the climax of the story. The reader reads the actual story to find out how the character got in the situation.

    The writing isn't n00bish. Not at all. I can understand the confusion between British/American English, because America thinks "This is my United States of America...in America!" But when you think about the story Spanish John wrote here, it's good. Might I dare say "Damn good"?

    Look, you gotta look at the whole package. Short prologue? Possibly for a reason. Spanish John did it for a reason. =/

    But yeah, Spanish John, the font needs to be returned to forum default. :D

    lulz, i just noticed that Spanish John is female. XD
     
    In that case, my apologies for my... whatever-you-want-to-call-my-posts. oo? Ahem, I suppose after my years of reading longer prologues, I'm a tad too quick to judge. Sincerest apologies, honest.
     
    Back to the Wordpad! >>"
    I'll do my best to update soon, once I sort a bunch of things out.
    Thank you everyone, for your praise. =]
    And your criticism, that's helped me a little too.
    DGexe, you don't have to apologize.
    ...I might've said the same thing. o.o

    Well I'll start now~
    ...as soon as I get some inspiration.    ​
     
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