[Pokémon] Dawn of Darkrai

LOVED IT!


Dawn's personality is uh...well...different! But it fits they way you worked it in with the text.
 
Yeah, I know it's different. Dawn isn't really like that, BUT this IS angst and I explained how Dawn turned form that happy-go-lucky girl to a sad, depressed one. I'm glad you liked it.
 
Looks good, like the story by the way. It's so dark and depressing, just like one of my favorite authors Edgar Allan Poe. Most of the characters (apart from Brock) were a bit OOC but I can understand it if it's angst so I don't really care. Now a review:

that something inevitably bad will happen to me.
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Do you mean, 'that something bad would inevitably happen to me' or did you really mean it in that context?

cold body on the ground, in an unconscious state being poured on by the cold rain.
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I think you need to rephrase this because it doesn't seem right. If he's dead I don't think you need to put unconscious because it's already implied.

I watched as the rain pummeled his face and drop from his wet black hair.
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Water is dripped.

Why didn't you just stayed away from me and let me die?
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Present tense, stay away from me.

My tears camouflaged with the rain that was already sliding down my face
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I think here, it's better to put
The rain camouflaged my tears.
Or
My tears melded with the rain.


when he so determined to protect me.
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When he was so


Unless you're not aware of this, try to work on your tenses because they don't sound right. Apart from that great fic and if this truly is a one-shot, next time label it so. (Can't do it now because then you'd need super modding powers)




 
Neo Groudon said:
Looks good, like the story by the way. It's so dark and depressing, just like one of my favorite authors Edgar Allan Poe. Most of the characters (apart from Brock) were a bit OOC but I can understand it if it's angst so I don't really care. Now a review:


Do you mean, 'that something bad would inevitably happen to me' or did you really mean it in that context?


I think you need to rephrase this because it doesn't seem right. If he's dead I don't think you need to put unconscious because it's already implied.


Water is dripped.


Present tense, stay away from me.


I think here, it's better to put
The rain camouflaged my tears.
Or
My tears melded with the rain.


When he was so


Unless you're not aware of this, try to work on your tenses because they don't sound right. Apart from that great fic and if this truly is a one-shot, next time label it so. (Can't do it now because then you'd need super modding powers)
Click to expand...

Actually it's not a one-shot. If you assumed that because of the index, I was planning to add chapters to it as I go along. So I won't have to do all of that work later on. Thanks for the review, I'm going to edit a few things according to your revisions.
 
It was good, but there was something wrong that Neo Groudon hasnt pointed out

timoteyo7 said:
I watched as the rain pummel his face and drip from his wet black hair
Click to expand...

shouldnt it be pummeled and dripped from his wet black hair
 
dark_giratina said:
It was good, but there was something wrong that Neo Groudon hasnt pointed out



shouldnt it be pummeled and dripped from his wet black hair
Click to expand...

It could also be "I watched the rain pummel his face and drip from his wet, black hair"

Either way, good story so far buddy. Can't wait for more
 
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