DP Fanmade Story "This Could Shock Our Lives!"

[DrPokemonScience]

I wish you could live with having fanmade scripts, please.
But because of the rules, I have to obey the rules. Here is the plot of the episode I wish could exist. This is the 2nd half of the story, since I already uploaded the script of the first half. If you haven't seen it, see it now please. It's really great. How can it be such a bad one?

Ash and the gang wanted to leave, but Lucia halted them, saying, "Woawoawoawoawoawoawoa! You haven't seen anything yet! You'll be surprised by all my workable inventions! I want to be the most popular inventor on the Pokemon planet."

Ash and friends growl, but accepts. Lucia now reveals a machine of altenaties. "This," she explained, "is my favorite one, The Talk-Twister. It could alter your talking from positive to negative, normal to fast or slow, normal to high or low. Allow me to demonstrate."

Magnezone sended energy to the Talk-Twister, now working just fine...

Unfortunatly...

the machine went terribly out of control, causing everyone shocked!

Lucia, however, managed to turn it off. But...

Ash was in the Negative type, saying "Don't get us out of here" instead of "Get us out of here". Dawn was in the Fast type, talking incredibly fast. Brock was in the Low type, talking in a lowered voice.

They didn't know what to do, but Lucia found out that the machine gained too much electricity.

While Lucia was fixing the machine, Ash and friends thought it would be like they talked in the alternate types. Ash would've said "Don't use thunderbolt" instead of "Use thunderbolt" to Pikachu, and Pikachu would NOT use thunderbolt at Team Rocket, causing Ash to be frustrated. When Dawn took another spa break with Leona. Dawn wouldn't talked so fast, Leona would NOT be able to understand her. Brock would've sounded too unhandsome to fall in love with the girls.

But to their surprise, Team Rocket grabbed Magnezone out of the house and then did their motto. Ash shouted, "Team Rocket, don't let go out that Magnezone!"

Team Rocket was surprised, thinking Ash is telling them NOT to let go of Magnezone. The Narrator said, "That's my plan," causing everyone to look up.

"Hey!" shouted Brock, "Who're you?! Up there!"

"Who? Me?", said the narrator, "Why I'm the narrator, I open and each episode of this show."

Team Rocket thought Ash and company didn't want the Magnezone, so they decided to DO let go of it, by throwing it about 400 yards away.

"You may keep this Pokemon, twerps, but the next time we meet," explained Meowth, "Pikachu is not going out of our hands, no matter what!"

Team Rocket flew away.

Stay tuned for the 2nd half of the 2nd half. Is that better? Or do you hate this idea of mine?

 

[icomeanon6]

I wish you could live with having fanmade scripts, please.
But because of the rules, I have to obey the rules. Here is the plot of the episode I wish could exist. This is the 2nd half of the story, since I already uploaded the script of the first half. If you haven't seen it, see it now please. It's really great. How can it be such a bad one?

Now that's just being lazy. You could at least rewrite the first part and post it here. That being said, the problems you had with your scripted version are for the most part still here. It's short, shallow, and full of mistakes that you should have caught while proofreading. Here's an example:

The machine was terribly out of control, causing everyone to be shocked!

You forgot to capitalize the beginning of the sentence, and without "to be" in the second clause, it doesn't make much sense. Also, though it's grammatically correct, I wouldn't use "was" in this situation. It sounds awkward, I think "went" would be better.

In short, you need to proofread more to make your work at least comprehensible. Try reading the story out loud, that way it's easier to spot what doesn't make sense.

 

[Post Office Buddy]

I wish you could live with having fanmade scripts, please.

We could, if it was well written.

But because of the rules, I have to obey the rules.

As does everyone else on this forum.

Here is the plot of the episode I wish could exist. This is the 2nd half of the story, since I already uploaded the script of the first half. If you haven't seen it, see it now please.

This is nonsense. You should include the first part with it since this part does not stand alone. If it needs support, excluding the possibility of it being a sequel, which this is obviously not, then every part of it needs to be present in one way or another. Your readers should not have to search for your locked thread because you broke the rules and are too lazy to rewrite it. Nobody will do this, so you're only hurting yourself.

It's really great. How can it be such a bad one?

That is not up to you to decide. Your readers will decide whether or not your script was great, and honestly, it wasn't. The reasons it was bad were shown to you by a few reviewers, and you obviously paid no attention to those posts.

Anyway, on to the actual review.

You seem to have a real problem with changing verb tenses. There are some points where you use present tense verbs, but the next paragraph abruptly switches to past tense. Here are some examples.

Magnezone now sends energy to the Talk-Twister, now working just fine...

Unfortunatly...

the machine was terribly out of control, causing everyone shocked!

The first sentence is in present tense, implicated by the use of the word "now". However, the next complete sentence uses past tense verbs, implicated by the words "was" and "shocked". It is confusing to the reader when this happens because they constantly have to wonder when this is actually taking place. Don't just brush this off with a "This is my style :D" either, because this is not an effective style that will bring in readers.

Your sentence structures also disturb me. You have a few sentences in this fiction where the first half is contradicted by the second half. For example:

They didn't know what to do, but Lucia found out that the machine gained too much electricity.

First you say that they didn't know what to do, but then you say that Lucia figures out that the machine received too much electricity. (Note: received would have been a better word choice than gained.) There was absolutely no transition to show that Lucia was even trying to figure out what happened. You just say "They don't know what happened" to "Lucia discovered the problem!" Detail is crucial in a section like this, and not just for that reason. Every time you don't explain something, it gives the reader questions that you would rather not leave them with. You don't want them asking "How did Lucia figure it out?" or "When did Team Rocket show up?" If they ask that, then it means that you need major work on your narration.

Which brings me to my next point. You didn't tell us exactly when Team Rocket appeared, you just jump from Lucia figuring out what was wrong to Team Rocket running away with Magnezone. My initial thought was that I missed something, but when I looked back to see what happend, I noticed that I had read every word correctly. You give absolutely no hint that Team Rocket is going to enter the room at that moment, no narration as to how they got a hold of Magnezone, nothing. Again, it leaves your reader with negative questions.

Team Rocket thought Ash and company didn't want the Magnezone, so they decided to DO let go of it, by throwing it a mile away.

Two things wrong here. First, I'm sure Team Rocket doesn't steal Pokemon because people don't want them to. They are out to make a profit. If you are following the anime, as you say you are, then this violates the canon quite grieviously. I mean, why would they throw away a Pokemon that they coveted so much in the first half? You basically contradicted everything in the script part of this at this part. I would advise fixing it to be more true to the canon.

Second, one mile? Come on, there's no way they could hurl a Pokemon made of steel one mile, let alone anything. Do you realize how far one mile is? Depending on what unit of measure you go by, it could either be roughly 1800 meters or about 6000 feet. You can find that information here if you choose to dispute the reality of someone accomplishing such a feat. Furthermore, if you can prove that it is possible to throw something one mile, unaided by anything other than your natural arm, then I will concede.

"The next time we meet," explained Meowth, "Pikachu is not going out of our hands, no matter what!"

Why wouldn't they just take Pikachu right there? They hadn't been defeated yet, after all. They wouldn't give up pursuit just because they let Magnezone go. Again, your fiction conflicts with the canon you are using as a base.

I'm not going to go over spelling mistakes or capitalization errors because you should have proofread them out by now. I'm not your spell check.

Stay tuned for the 2nd half of the 2nd half. Is that better? Or do you hate this idea of mine?

A half of a half is a quarter. In reality, you posted the third quarter of the "episode" above, and are telling us to stay tuned for the fourth quarter. Quick question: why didn't you wait to post this until you had the entire thing written? I mean, it's obvious that you didn't use a word processing program. There are too many spelling and capitalization errors to claim that. That means you are posting directly into the reply box, and are therefore missing several easily fixable errors. So, here comes some advice.

Write your work in a word processing program before posting here. For one, it will clean up any minor errors you have in the fiction. Second, most word processors have a grammar check option and, although limited, can help you clean up most grammar errors. If you don't have Microsoft Word and can't afford it, then never fear! OpenOffice is here! OpenOffice is a free-to-use open-source program that is similar to Microsoft Office. It has a word processing program very similar to Microsoft Word. I say very similar because it has a few more flaws than Microsoft Word does, but hey, it's free.

The last thing I will comment on before ending this review is that you ask us if it is better. Whether or not it is better is a matter of opinion, and you shouldn't take that too close to heart. For instance, I could say that it is better because it is not in script form, and someone else could say it's worse because the spelling and capitalization is a bit off. See? Difference of opinion. Only you can decide whether or not you think it is better or worse.

As for the hating part, I have to say I am neutral. I don't really like much of the anime past the first season, and part of the second season was good in my opinion, so I can't really judge this from an objective viewpoint. In terms of plot, I think it is okay. If you worked on it a lot more and refined it well enough then I believe that it could be a really good concept, but again, that is an opinion as well.

 

[DrPokemonScience]

I kinda fixed the 2nd part.
(Is this story UNoriginal? PLEASE! Do you really want to have SAME OLD SAME OLD?)

 

[Post Office Buddy]

I didn't show you every error you made in the chapter, only an example of most you made. I suggest proofreading it as closely as you possibly can and smooth this down more. It's still full of grammar problems that need to be fixed. =\

Is this story UNoriginal? PLEASE! Do you really want to have SAME OLD SAME OLD?)

I don't really get what you're asking here... As long as it is not an actual episode, and the entire plot was by your design, then it's original. However, if this is the contrary and you have plagiarized this, which is, by the way, against the PFF&P rules, then it is not original. The second part just confuses me. In what context are you using please? Are you desperately wanting to know our opinion, or are you using it as more of a dismissal? Too many lost meanings in written language...

 

[DrPokemonScience]

That's it. I'm done!
I'm sorry, but I quit.

 

[Post Office Buddy]

That's it. I'm done!
I'm sorry, but I quit.

So you're going to quit because you got one lengthy review? Why would you choose to write for perhaps one of the strictest PFF boards on the net then? It's not like you could hide under the radar of the reviewers here.

Besides that, the review you received was nothing compared to some I have seen done. I only briefly touched on areas you struggled when I could have pointed out each error you made and given them a full paragraph explanation. I did this to help you improve, not to put you down.

If you're giving up this quickly, then it only leads me to believe that you didn't care that much to begin with. If you were as dedicated to this as you should have been, then you would have read through my review and tried to improve your writing rather than correcting some of the things I pointed out. I didn't take the time to write that just to annoy you. I did it to help you.

Trust me, I struggled with writing just as much as you are. The only difference between the two of us is that I did everything I could to improve while you are fighting everyone who tries to help. Please, just take a minute and read through my review. Look through what you wrote and try to find every error you can. Look for verb tense errors, punctuation, spelling, spots where you could have added more description, etc. After that, write another part. While writing it, consciously think of all of the errors you usually make and try your best to avoid them. After you write it, wait one day and proofread it. If you decide that you still want to keep writing, then let me know and I will help you improve. If not, then I'm sorry that you feel that you can't write on this forum anymore.

 

[DrPokemonScience]

OK then, could you please try to make how it should be. OK?

 

[icomeanon6]

OK then, could you please try to make how it should be. OK?

No one is going to write your work for you. If you think our standards here are too high, try going to FFNet, you'll get all the gushing praise you need at that place. Better yet, if you don't have the patience to make this fic better yourself, scrap the idea entirely and work on something else.

 

[Lukespade]

That's it. I'm done!
I'm sorry, but I quit.

dude hold up one dang second. u have one chapter and tried to write one time! comone man just give it another try make revisions... i dont know... be descriptive! dont quit! thats never a good idea... turst me i know

 

[Post Office Buddy]

OK then, could you please try to make how it should be. OK?

*Headdesk* That does not help you improve at all as a writer and totally contradicts the idea that you are the one writing it. You won't learn how to fix your mistakes if you have someone else do it for you. The only way to get better is to practice.

Lets look at some famous authors. JK Rowling, Charles Dickens, Truman Capote, Joseph Conrad, for example. None of them had anyone correcting little spelling and grammar mistakes, they did it themselves. If they had sent something in to a publisher that was littered, no, polluted with a vast amount of minor, but noticable, errors, then they would have been rejected and none of their books would have made it to your hands.

The lesson? Learn from your mistakes and improve your writing without telling us to give you a corrected copy. After all, it's not our job as readers to fix your mistakes, it's your job as a writer to do this.