[Pokémon] Ending Sunrise

[Legendarian Mistress]

Ending Sunrise [M]

Introduction
A/N: This is "Apocalyptic Dawn", reworked completely. I'd like to thank Fuyu for the title. The plot has been rewritten; so unlike the previous versions, it should make more sense. I'm also hoping for more reviewers as opposed to the 2-3 I'd gotten. To anyone that's new who reads this, I'd like to give you a warm welcome; any old reviewers, welcome back to LM's latest version. I hope anyone who reads "Ending Sunrise" enjoys it as much as I like writing it. Finally, if you want to be notified of a new chapter, you can inform me in your review or VM/PM me. I won't start a PM List until I'm sure that people are interested.

Disclaimer: This fic is rated M, for violence, character deaths and moderate language. Pokémon is © Game Freak and Nintendo; 1995-2010. All other characters are © Legendarian Mistress.

Chapter List
Prologue

Arc 1
Chapter 1: Feelings Left Unsaid

Prologue

BY ORDER OF THE ENDLESS EMPEROR,
let it be known that as of
THIS MOMENT, or
TWELVE AM TONIGHT,
whichever arrives first, following the
SWIFT TRIUMPH of the LEADER of the
ONES WHO RULE, who have obliterated the
DISSENTING FORCES of passivity and
complacency PLAGUING this world,
ALL CITIZENS must, shall and will abide by

THESE FOUR COMMANDS FOR ORDER:
1. All wild Pokémon are to be hunted down and killed upon sight as they are feral creatures.
2. ANY beginning trainer is to be registered at the time of birth.
3. IN PARTICULAR, the practicing of special powers is hereby ABOLISHED.
4. The Endless Emperor is THE ONE who decides all rules and laws. All NOT complying shall be SEIZED.


— As declared by THE ENDLESS EMPEROR​

The teenager couldn't define it in words. Ever since they'd come to power, it left her thoughtless every single time she even tried to ponder on it. But remain here she did; observing the poster which had been placed on noticeboards and power poles in each and every township and city in the region. She, known simply as Josephine Harris, pushed back the crimson locks of her hair from her hazel eyes as she exhaled quickly while preparing to walk home.

Josephine was a tall individual. Like her friends, she was a Chosen; it was unfortunate, however, that the Chosen had to hide in shadows now. It was said that the Legendary Josephine was bonded to was the ancestor of all of the Pokémon, that deity being Mew. The girl's grey sleeveless shirt and yellow miniskirt made it hard for other residents of Pallet Town to see her in the fading light that was dusk.

Something shot past her legs just then, giving a half-strangled yowl of fright. She glanced after it, seeing only the beige fur and curled tail. What's a Persian doing in Pallet Town? Josephine wondered, before widening her eyes almost instantly. The poster! Concerned for the evolved Meowth, the sixteen-year-old hurried after the fleeing feline. She had to save this Pokémon, there was no denying that.

Josephine allowed herself to follow the terrified cat's path. The feline's messy trail was evident as though it was running from a pack of canines; garbage bins had been disturbed and the contents littered the footpath, making it difficult for Josephine to keep up with the scared stiff Pokémon. Her purple sandshoes with a yellow streak on each pounded the pavement, and her black League hat with a purple Poké Ball insignia almost flew off in the wind, but she grabbed it in time.

Josephine eventually caught up to the distressed feline and automatically assumed she was too late when she saw it pinned down by an electrified net. Two figures stood ominously over the fallen Pokémon. One was a large, purple snake with red and yellow markings on its chest. <Looking for thisss?> the Arbok hissed, nodding at the weakened Persian.

The other dark figure was garbed all in black, with the only thing even remotely visible being the scarlet-coloured letter imprinted on the man's shirt.

"What the hell are you doing to this Persian?" she questioned.

"Don't play dumb, girl. I know you saw the poster," the man snapped back. Indeed, Josephine had seen the poster, but she refused to believe that the first law was already implemented. There'd been a massive amount of hope that the tyrants would crumble when their leader didn't reveal himself for the last twelve months, but the hope was wiped out in a second when the syndicate's boss released that poster.

Moving towards her with slithering motions of his body, the Poison type reared back and up, casting an intimidating shadow over Josephine. "Unless you want to be in the Persian's place, I suggest that you—"

The man was cut off before he could finish his sentence by a flurry of emerald-green leaves. <You'll pay for that, you authoritarian bastard!> A foul-mouthed voice yelled. The owner of the voice had changed from his previous form in that he had grown a couple of feet, grown lime green fur and long dark green ears. He was now slender-looking, his brown eyes and feet had remained untouched although the same couldn't be said for his paintbrush tail.

It had stretched to almost three times its former size, the lower third the same colour as his body and the upper parts resembling a long, dark green leaf, thinner than his previous form's and wonkier. A leaf sprouting from the front of his neck and his forehead completed his new appearance. His face wore a cynical, rebellious expression.

"Poison Fang," commanded the oppressor.

Arbok lunged forward, baring his fangs at the newly arrived Leafeon. The Grass type stopped his charge mid-leap and growled in agony, as he felt the toxins seep into his bloodstream. He writhed pitifully, before Arbok finally threw him to the ground. In a fierce countermove, he regained his composure and circled the snake.

"Iron Tail!"

The tail of the Verdant Pokémon began to give off a blinding white glow as it came down hard on the helpless Arbok, who was still focused on where Leafeon had been before. The impact sent the snake flying backwards before slamming into a cedar tree. To add insult to injury, the body of Josephine's partner — who had been released while her companion's Pokémon was busy with Arbok — was giving off sparks.

Suddenly, the other girl jumped at the black-garbed man with an object from her belt. He turned slightly, before falling prey to the just released Thunderbolt which had come from Josephine's Luxray.

In his short period of distraction, the man didn't notice that the Leafeon had been instructed to use Shadow Ball. As he turned his head, he saw the dark wave of shadowy energy hurtling towards his legs. In a pathetic attempt to escape, he tried to jump to the left, releasing a shout as he realised his failure. The black sphere illuminated with blue tints spread immediately into his blood, as he was unaware that some poisonous goop was merged within it. Immediately, the poison travelled throughout his body. It was at that point that the lavender-haired teen injected the object, which Josephine quickly confirmed as a syringe, into the man's chest.

With her breathing ragged from the building tension, Josephine looked at her Pokémon. "Finish it, Riley. Thunder Fang," she said tiredly.

The female Electric type nodded and roared triumphantly as she lunged forward, her fangs sparking with electricity. Taken aback by the attack on his master, the Arbok could do nothing but watch in horror as the Luxray sank her fangs into the man's chest. At the same time, the Leafeon defeated the Poison type.

Josephine's companion stood up, and it was clear she was dressed in a bright red zip-up skin-tight jumper and navy blue shorts. She moved with incredible style, striding over to the Persian whose health was deteriorating. As she bent down with her hands on the electrified net, Josephine let out a gasp of surprise. Suppressing a groan of pain, the girl ripped the net off the Pokémon.

The girl recalled the Leafeon and turned to Josephine, after picking up the feline. "Well now, that's one down."

"That's one down, alright. How did you know I would need help?" The tension had gotten to the red-haired teen, which was evident in her strained expression.

"I bonded with Celebi, remember? This one won't be the last; there'll be many more like him. Come on, we have to get going. Your parents are waiting for you."

"Why did this even happen?"

The girl, who seemed to know Josephine and vice versa, walked over to the redhead. "It happened because these dictators ousted the Kantonian government. They won't stop until all of the Chosen are dead or dying. I only wish the government had tried to stop them from coming to power." She leaned in even closer. "Now let's go — if we don't leave, your parents will do something drastic. Besides, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow and this mission needs to be done secretly."

 

[fire_and_ice]

This story is excellent! The plot is something I found really interesting and I can't wait for more! I would really love it if you could keep me informed about new chapters and such! Thank you!

 

[aurevesque]

I loved it!! Although, Why'd you use the <>'s to show they were speaking? and then switch to ""s?

 

[yung_link]

You used alot of words I havent heard in a long time and you described the situations and the characters so well! I enjoyed this very much.:)

 

[JX Valentine]

*headdesk* I'm going to be biting about this, and I'm sorry. But to be honest, one-liner reviews are what we've been trying for months to clean up off the forums. While you don't have to write a book, you've got to remember that it helps an author more if you actually say something specific about a work – not "oh, you use big words" but instead something like "I really liked (insert specific part here) because it was really exciting to see (insert whatever here)" or "I really liked (insert specific character here) because I think he/she/it's got a really interesting personality, especially when he/she/it (insert specific part here)." The reason why this is better is because it shows the author that you actually sat down and read through the entire work and that parts of it actually affected you. If you just leave a generic one-liner (particularly one that sounds a lot like other one-liners you've left on other fics), then the author won't actually be able to figure out how well they did and what they should keep doing. For example, if there's a specific part of this chapter that Legendarian wanted us to pick up on, she won't know that we did if you just leave a one-liner.

Also, seriously, guys? At the risk of memetic mutation, big words do not intelligent writing make. It's all in how you use words, not how intelligent they sound. In fact, an overabundance of big words may indicate thesaurus abuse – or worse, purple prose. As in, sometimes, overly eloquent writing can be a bad thing, especially if you're unintentionally over-the-top with it.

That being said, let's get into the review itself.

To start off, while I'm all for psychotic dictators, there's a couple of things that make the Endless Emperor's laws a bit difficult to swallow.

First off, there's the fact that he wants all wild Pokémon to be hunted down and killed. Aside from the fact that wild Pokémon are obviously feral because they're pretty much definitions of each other, what makes me really uncomfortable with this one is the fact that a lot of writers like to eliminate Pokémon from the world they're developing without putting too much thought into what that would entail. As a result, you're looking a few major problems right off the bat:

1. Pokémon encompass an entire species on that planet that seems to be second in terms of dominance to mankind. As in, you take out Pokémon, and you take out a significant portion of that planet's overall population. What does this mean? Put it this way: Take all the insects in this world and commit mass-extinction on them. As in, make sure there's absolutely no way to allow them to repopulate, and kill them off whenever you see them. What would happen at that point?

Well. Insects serve a number of functions, including pollinating plants, decomposition of dead material, and serving as a basic link in the food chain. So, eliminating all insects means plants can't reproduce, dead material take longer to decompose, and several thousand different species starve. In other words, it's just asking for a barren planet.

Same deal with eliminating Pokémon from that world. Insect Pokémon pollinate. Some Pokémon eat dead material. Others serve as parts of a food chain. And this isn't even taking into consideration the ones that actually maintain the balance of nature on a literal level (namely, legendaries). Eliminate Pokémon, and you're really risking throwing ecology out-of-whack.

2. Pokémon are a pretty major part of that planet's various societies. It'll be difficult to write a fic within the Pokémon universe if there aren't any – as in, if there's no chance to catch more. I'm aware of the fact that the Endless Emperor only specified that wild Pokémon needed to be exterminated, but if the rule eventually covers tamed ones, considering how much of human society in that world seems to rely on Pokémon (in construction, producing electricity, as couriers, sometimes even serving as fire fighting squads, to name a few positions), you're probably going to face a few problems in trying to get the people in your fic to get by when a wrench is suddenly thrown into the gears of that world, so to speak. It'd be a lot like trying to genocide a human minority. While there's probably ways to survive if the psychotic dictator is successful at it, it's not going to make a lot of people happy, to put it lightly.

3. I'm not sure how successful human beings would be at attempting to wipe out every single Pokémon population on the planet, especially since not all of them are dangerous and since a lot of them live in places where humans can't even go. (For example, Relicanth can live in crushing ocean depths. For another example? Magikarp literally live wherever there's water, and they're Magikarp.) This is, of course, ignoring the fact that some Pokémon are harder to kill anyway. (Dusknoir. Aside from its ability to pop over to the Great Beyond at will, it's also a Ghost-type, so this depends on whether or not you think ghosts are dead to begin with. It's just that Dusknoir would probably be harder to kill because of that whole "screw you guys; I'm going to the spirit world" business.)

4. Given the fact that the humans of that world seem to have an inherent fascination with Pokémon anyway, why wouldn't this rule be called into question at once by massive numbers of people? And that's what it really boils down to. The Endless Emperor must be one seriously charismatic S.O.B. to convince people all of this would be a good idea. Now, he could be, but my point is a lot of writers don't take the above things into consideration. In other words, it's more of a warning than anything else.

While we're at it, the second note. Now, I'm confused. Canonically, being a trainer is entirely voluntary. There's no real way to know whether or not a child is going to be one at birth. Hell, there's no real way to know whether or not a child is going to keep being one after they set out on their journeys. (There's the other two kids who left at the same time as Ash and eventually gave up, for one example. Additionally, I won't get into a fangirl-related example because that'd be tacky, but I think you know what I'd probably say there.)

In other words, if you deviate from canon in ways that are pretty obvious to a reader, you'll want to make sure you explain it, especially if it sounds like it's a potential plot point. For example, I'm pretty sure this means just being a trainer will make certain characters even more sparkly-special because they're destined at birth to be one, but as someone who's only vaguely familiar with your world, I have no idea what that would mean.

The last rule just seems a little unsettling on the virtue of the Sue-dar, but we'll see how this goes.

But remain here she did; observing the poster which had been placed on noticeboards and power poles in each and every township and city in the region.

You actually don't need a semicolon here because the other part isn't a full idea on its own. Take a closer look at it. Notice how if you put a period where the semicolon is, you won't get everything after it to be its own, full sentence?

Instead, you'll want a colon, which indicates that you're going into a parenthetical phrase. Or, in simpler terms, colons separate incomplete ideas with the complete sentences they go with. Semicolons don't.

She, known simply as Josephine Harris,

You don't really say "known simply" for someone's full name. If she was commonly known by a nickname or a shorter name, then yes, you'd use "known simply" because you're saying that's what everyone calls her.

pushed back the crimson locks of her hair from her hazel eyes as she exhaled quickly while preparing to walk home.

First and foremost, it sounds a bit awkward to have "her" repeated twice within a few words of each other. I'd suggest removing the first one because it's sort of a given that it's her hair as soon as you say "her hazel eyes." Meanwhile, the preposition there implies the idea that her hair's not just crimson but that she's moving the crimson bits.

Second, she's doing one thing while doing another while doing another. It gets a bit awkward because it seems like she's trying to do too many things in one sentence. A single sentence should really get across a couple of messages. Sure, you can have one "as" clause, but I'd really try to limit it to that. Otherwise, you paint an image of someone attempting to juggle.

Josephine was a tall individual. Like her friends, she was a Chosen;

Wait. What does Josephine's being tall have to do with her being a Chosen? O_o

To put it simply, when you go into a paragraph, you'll want to stick with one topic. You either talk about how she looks, or you talk about the fact that she's a Chosen. You don't want to do both at the same time because it comes out awkwardly, especially when one of those things is actually pretty important to the plot of your fic.

Speaking of importance, you'll probably want to let us know what being a Chosen means. While there's such a thing as revealing information later, it feels like you've info-dumped a bit on us by telling us she's bonded to Mew without telling us whether or not this is supposed to define something about her. Does it affect her personality? Is she aware already that she's got a certain purpose in life that affects every single decision she makes? If she's supposed to be in hiding, why is she taking a leisurely stroll that involves stopping long enough to stare at a poster (in a yellow miniskirt, no less – not exactly an inconspicuous color, no matter what time of day it is)?

Concerned for the evolved Meowth, the sixteen-year-old hurried after the fleeing feline.

Because you already identify the Persian, you don't need to do it again in the same sentence. I'd suggest dropping "for the evolved Meowth," actually, because it's not much of a descriptor compared to "the fleeing feline."

She had to save this Pokémon, there was no denying that.

This is actually a comma splice. Here's a tip: put a period where the comma is. Notice how you get two full sentences as a result? You'll want to do this for pretty much every comma you insert into your fic.

Her purple sandshoes with a yellow streak on each

...And she's trying to be inconspicuous?

But seriously, there's probably a better way to describe her shoes. While coupling descriptions with actions is a good idea, you'll also want to avoid awkward bits, like attempting to insert prepositions before the action. The reason why is because at first glance, your reader might mistake "streak" for the verb because they're expecting it to come up soon. I'd suggest saying "her purple and yellow sandshoes" or just dropping the bit about the yellow streak altogether. You don't have to go into super-intense detail, after all.

Josephine eventually caught up to

Caught up with. You don't really say "to catch up to" someone after chasing them.

The other dark figure was garbed all in black, with the only thing even remotely visible being the scarlet-coloured letter imprinted on the man's shirt.

If this is Team Rocket, that actually introduces another glitch in trying to swallow the rules the Endless Emperor put in place. Team Rocket actually has no desire for killing off massive amounts of Pokémon. They might experiment on them, but they see them as tools to get what they want from the world. It's more likely that they'll want to try catching them all (literally) than it is to kill off every wild one because, hey, wild Pokémon are fair game to capture and train to be part of one massive army.

<You'll pay for that, you authoritarian bastard!> A foul-mouthed voice yelled.

First off, even if you use an exclamation point, if you have a dialogue tag that occurs after a quote (like you do here), you'll need to keep the first word lowercase, regardless of punctuation marks. This is because that dialogue tag is still part of the sentence. It's a necessary modifier (think along the same lines as an adjective) that describes how something is being said.

Second, "a foul-mouthed voice" is sort of redundant. We already get that the thing's got a not-so-kid-friendly mouth because of the word "bastard," so it's not really necessary to say it again.

Third, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable with how eloquent this Pokémon is. Pokémon typically don't have concepts of authority that aren't defined themselves. That's because most Pokémon live the same way as animals. (They might not be animals exactly, but that doesn't mean they don't live in packs and flocks and not with structured governments.) So, they probably wouldn't know what it means to be authoritarian.

Not to mention that the word itself doesn't exactly apply to this situation. The guy's following orders. He's just being an ass while doing them. If anyone's authoritarian, it's the boss or the system, not the lackey. You can't really call a lackey authoritarian because they really don't have much of a say in how subjects should be treated.

in that he had grown a couple of feet, grown lime green fur and long dark green ears.

This isn't particularly symmetrical when it probably should be. You have two items in this list that have verbs (the parts involving "grown") and one that doesn't. It would be better if you dropped the second "grown" (which is slightly redundant anyway because occurs so soon after you use it once) and made this all into a list of just noun phrases.

I'd also like to point out that Persian and Leafeon are roughly the same height unless we're talking about a giant Leafeon. If that's the case, then given the fact that it was randomly able to transform, I guess the fact that it's a giant would be the least of my concerns here.

(Note: I realize later that the Leafeon wasn't Persian, but we'll get to that in a moment.)

He was now slender-looking, his brown eyes and feet had remained untouched although the same couldn't be said for his paintbrush tail.

Again, comma splice.

thinner than his previous form's and wonkier.

Besides being slang (which you should avoid in narration), "wonkier" unfortunately doesn't mean anything to a reader. What's wonky to me might not be wonky to you. It's better to be specific than it is to just leave it at "it looked weird."

The Grass type stopped his charge mid-leap and growled in agony, as he felt the toxins seep into his bloodstream.

Drop the comma. Inserting one would imply that you're launching into a comparison, and "as" when used as a time word doesn't really need a comma before it. (Same thing, for that matter, with the word "before" in the next sentence.)

The impact sent the snake flying backwards before slamming into a cedar tree.

Wait. Where were they? From what I could tell a moment ago (with the garbage cans and the telephone poles), I assumed they were in a suburban version of Pallet Town – or, to be more accurate, an alley. Where did the tree come in?

Speaking of confusion...

To add insult to injury, the body of Josephine's partner — who had been released while her companion's Pokémon was busy with Arbok — was giving off sparks.

You'll actually want to mention that Josephine released a Pokémon a bit earlier, in part because this would be hard to miss and in part because it took me about a minute to realize that you weren't talking about a random Pokémon in the alley/whatever that no one noticed yet. The confusion lies in the fact that you mention the words "partner" and "companion" in the same sentence, which ends up implying that you're talking about the same Pokémon because there isn't a third one in this scene yet.

In other words, while it's good to be descriptive, always remember to include the right descriptions – as in, mentioning where the battle is taking place, who's all there, and where a new character came from, at the very least.

Suddenly, the other girl jumped at the black-garbed man with an object from her belt.

There was another girl? O_o Why wasn't she mentioned until now? Wouldn't she be a bit difficult to miss?

In his short period of distraction, the man didn't notice that the Leafeon had been instructed to use Shadow Ball.

How does he not notice this when the only person who could have given Leafeon such an instruction is lunging at him? O_o (He couldn't have instructed himself to do it thanks to the very definition of the word, and considering Josephine isn't his trainer...)

As he turned his head, he saw the dark wave of shadowy energy hurtling towards his legs. ... The black sphere illuminated with blue tints spread immediately into his blood, as he was unaware that some poisonous goop was merged within it.

I... what?

First off, Shadow Ball is either a ball or a wave. They're two different forces, so unless there's another attack (whose source you'll want to name to avoid making this entire battle be a mire of confusion), you'll want to choose one or the other.

Second, Shadow Ball has no chance of inflicting poison, so... what? (If Toxic was used at the same time, then you're still probably going to run into the problem of trying to figure out how. Sometimes, moves just aren't particularly compatible.)

Third, if you're going by anime and game descriptions, Shadow Ball doesn't actually pass into the target's body. It's a concussive force, meaning it hits you and hurts like a mother when it does. (Toxic doesn't either, for that matter. Depending on the canon interpretation you're going with, you're either looking at a cloud of gas that needs to be inhaled, a liquid that needs to burn into the skin, or a poisonous body part that needs to be stabbed into the target. In any case, it's not really something that just magically passes into the opponent's body. It's a physical poison that needs to be administered a certain way – however you prefer to consider it done – in order to do the job. Additionally for this reason, the ways it can be done might not necessarily mesh well with a flying ball of pure energy.)

Immediately, the poison travelled throughout his body. It was at that point that the lavender-haired teen injected the object, which Josephine quickly confirmed as a syringe, into the man's chest.

Okay, I get why Citrinin did the whole syringe thing in his fic (because, well, the thing that was chasing the girl was a literal monster), but here? Why is it that the murder of choice in these kinds of fics is poisoning anyway? Anything you do with a syringe is not an instant death, and it's certainly not a certain death because everyone's body is different. Some people survive popping enough pills to subdue an elephant, and others... not so much. And it's not like it's particularly difficult to figure out when someone had a syringe jammed into them, especially if they were struggling in the meantime. At the very least, you could have had him forcibly inhale more poison from either of the Pokémon on the field, and that'd be harder to detect and easier to pass off as an accident. (I mean, he does have a Poison-type anyway. All it would take is a "I swear, officer, he was stupid enough to run into his own Pokémon's attack," and that would probably do it.) Not to mention isn't he poisoned anyway? Why would he need to be poisoned even further?

But getting back to the point, why kill him off in the first place? They seem to have no problem outmuscling the grunt. All it would take would be beating the crap out of him and destroying his sense of pride. He'd probably face an even worse punishment back at base for not fulfilling his duty to kill a wild Pokémon anyway, and it's not like he probably knows who Josephine and her friend are anyway. (He certainly doesn't react to either of them.)

Electric type

Types are usually hyphenated because they're serving as one word – one adjective, one noun, just one phrase in general.

Taken aback by the attack on his master, the Arbok could do nothing but watch in horror as the Luxray sank her fangs into the man's chest.

First off, isn't that a bit overkill? They've poisoned him, injected him with something, and had him stabbed with multiple sharp objects in the chest. (This is, of course, ignoring the fact that unless you've got massive jaws, you really can't bite someone in the chest and have it be lethal anyway. You can't really get at any vital organs thanks to the shape of the ribs.)

Second, why couldn't Arbok move? All of this would have taken time, and although I don't blame any human for being in shock, Pokémon are loyal creatures that tend to think more like animals. In other words, it's a lot like attacking a human right in front of a dog. Seconds after you do it, the dog will most likely react somehow (such as, for example, going for your throat) to protect its owner.

At the same time, the Leafeon defeated the Poison type.

How? O_o What attack did he use?

Josephine's companion stood up, and it was clear she was dressed in a bright red zip-up skin-tight jumper and navy blue shorts.

Why didn't she notice what she was wearing earlier? O_o I mean, usually, you can spot what a person is wearing at first glance.

She moved with incredible style, striding over to the Persian whose health was deteriorating.

I... wait, what's going on? O_o

Let me rewind here.

1. Josephine corners Persian, who's in turn captured by the grunt with a net. At this point, there's a grunt, an Arbok, the Persian, and Josephine.

2. Something transformed into something else. Thanks to the description about tails and whatnot, we're led to believe that it's a Pokémon turning into another one with super-special sparkly powers or something. (Hey, you mentioned that they're outlawed anyway, so it's actually not that unusual to come to this conclusion.) Because Arbok's attacked, this leaves Persian because you haven't mentioned anyone else at that scene and because the transformation scene makes it clear that it's a Pokémon who's already there. (Otherwise, you'd only mention what it looks like, not what it's growing.) So, the only logical option is Persian, which would mean that the reader's assuming that Persian broke out on his own. This is helped a bit more because you don't mention the fact that Persian is right there throughout the battle.

3. Along the way, Josephine releases a Luxray. So, the cast count, from what the reader can tell, is the grunt, his Arbok, Persian-Leafeon, Josephine, and her Luxray.

4. A girl comes the eff out of nowhere to stab the grunt with a syringe. The cast count is now up to the grunt, his Arbok, Persian-Leafeon, Josephine, her Luxray, and the other girl.

5. Now the girl is releasing the Persian, who happened to be there the whole time? Then what was up with the transformation scene? O_o

And now you know why I said you've got to remember to clarify and include important details. It's nice to know what characters look like, but you've got to go all the way and tell us where a scene is happening, who's in it, and where characters come in (as soon as they come in unless they're ninja). Otherwise, you have this big, confusing mess, and you really don't want to have something like that happen for a moment that needs to grab a reader's attention and hold it well (like a battle).

While we're at it, avoid vague descriptions. Rather than just tell us a character is moving with "an incredible style" and that a Persian's "health is deteriorating," show us what these look like. Did the girl move fast, or did she saunter? Was the Persian burned from electrocution? Shaking? Eyes rolling back in its head? Be specific because those kinds of things will help the reader to imagine things that could be important later – like what a character is like or how badly a Pokémon is injured.

The girl, who seemed to know Josephine and vice versa,

If that's the case, then you'll want to tell the reader. Clearly, you're following Josephine around. While you're not telling the story in first-person, you're still letting the reader be privy to her thoughts and view of the world. As such, whatever Josephine would know, the reader will probably need to know, too. At least, about characters, like ones Josephine is obviously acquainted with. As in, as soon as Josephine saw this character, she'd most likely recognize her on the spot, and that sort of thought would be passed along to the reader. Otherwise, you're implying that she doesn't know this character because you're having the narrator linger on details she'd already be used to seeing.


Overall, you have a potentially interesting plot, although I'm a bit wary about all these Chosen bits. The problem lies in the fact that you really don't pass along details to the reader.

First of all, I only vaguely know what a Chosen is. Considering the fact that this is your older fic completely reworked, I'm supposed to be coming into this not really knowing what it means to be a Chosen or why they're being hunted down. (As in, this isn't a sequel, so you've really got nothing to serve as your foundation. Ergo, your reader isn't supposed to know anything about your world except the canon elements until you tell them about it.) I don't know how many other people are Chosen, what powers they have as a result, and why this is all important. Considering the fact that your main character is one and knows she's one, I'd assume that this would be one of the first things you'd tell your reader.

Second, as you can probably tell, there were a lot of parts in a large chunk of this chapter where details needed for understanding what was going on were either missing or not entirely clear. You did an all right job at describing the characters, but you've really got to go beyond that to give us a clear image of what's happening and where it's happening. I'm not talking about revealing everything. I'm just saying reveal details that would be incredibly hard to miss, and make sure you're clear about them when you do. For example, it's weird that no one mentioned the fact that a girl was right there, especially since she summoned Leafeon herself. So, she looks like she came right out of nowhere, and she ends up feeling like a stranger when she was actually right there and when she should have been familiar to Josephine all along. On top of that, I have no idea what's up with that transformation scene, considering there wasn't an Eevee mentioned before that point. (Never mind the fact that it couldn't have spontaneously evolved because this is Pallet Town.)

In other words, it has the potential for being an interesting story, but the details need a lot of work. If those aren't worked out with a bit more thought and careful wording, then you'll end up confusing the reader a lot more down the road. Be careful and good luck.

 

[nokyo-chan]

Wow, Legendarian Mistress! You're rewriting your fic again? You're as bad as Sgt Shock! XD

I'm really enjoying the story so far; it drew me in a lot better than the other writings, and since I'm coming in on the beginning, perhaps I'll be able to actually read the whole thing this time! I don't have a lot of criticisms, so I'll just start.

Josephine was a tall individual. Like her friends, she was a Chosen; it was unfortunate, however, that the Chosen had to hide in shadows now. It was said that the Legendary Josephine was bonded to was the ancestor of all of the Pokémon, that deity being Mew. The girl's grey sleeveless shirt and yellow miniskirt made it hard for other residents of Pallet Town to see her in the fading light that was dusk.

The last sentence in this paragraph--the one about her grey sleeveless shirt--just kinda appears, like, A wild DESCRIPTION appeared! (Couldn't resist--sorry, sorry. XD) You should probably put this into a new paragraph, possibly with the sentence about her being tall, like this:

Josephine was a tall individual, and her grey sleeveless shirt and yellow miniskirt made it hard for other residents of Pallet Town to see her in the fading light that was dusk.

That way, it wouldn't be so choppy and confusing. ^_^

But remain here she did; observing the poster which had been placed on noticeboards and power poles in each and every township and city in the region.

You'll probably want to put a comma instead of a semicolon there. Then, your sentence will read like this:

But remain here she did, observing the poster which...

Like Valentine said, semicolons separate ideas that can be complete sentences. A comma separates different incomplete ideas.

Speaking of Valentine--you are really harsh. Unnecessarily so, even. Like this comment:

But to be honest, one-liner reviews are what we've been trying for months to clean up off the forums.

Sometimes, one-liner reviews are the choice of the author; I like long reviews full of constructive criticism, but I also enjoy one-liner reviews simply because the reviewer lets me know that they are reading and enjoying my story.

Plus, a lot of things you said:

Pokémon encompass an entire species on that planet that seems to be second in terms of dominance to mankind. As in, you take out Pokémon, and you take out a significant portion of that planet's overall population.

I'm not sure how successful human beings would be at attempting to wipe out every single Pokémon population on the planet...

the author might have a plan for. After all, this is only the first chapter. You don't know what she has in mind for the rest of the story. She might explain all this; you shouldn't judge a story because you don't understand everything in the first part. This comment especially proves my point:

...if you deviate from canon in ways that are pretty obvious to a reader, you'll want to make sure you explain it, especially if it sounds like it's a potential plot point.

She might explain it later; you don't know. It's best to wait and see. Also:

...whatever Josephine would know, the reader will probably need to know, too...

This is the author's choice. Not revealing the person's identity adds a bit of mystery to that scene, and I thought the part where she said that Josephine seemed to know the stranger was helpful.

By the way, Legendarian Mistress, I really like the name of the Endless Emperor! It sounds really epic. XD

 

[JX Valentine]

Sometimes, one-liner reviews are the choice of the author;

First off, check the rules of the forum. They're not acceptable according to FF&W standards anyway.

Second, what we're talking about here are one-liners that are fairly generic and show no actual evidence in the interest of the story. For example, one review submitted (and then deleted by Astinus) was exactly like another review given to another author. The truth is, a lot of writers spend a lot of time on their work, and it's more of a compliment to actually sit down and say at least a sentence that points out one scene or one element of the chapter that you happened to like. I'm not saying you should write a book. I'm saying you should point something out and show the author you actually like their work enough to point out something they said. That tells the author that their writing has actually made an impact on the audience, and it's generally more of a compliment. Not to mention it opens up conversations about one's work, which is sort of what we want to do (you know, what with that whole bit about Project Max Revive in Writer's Lounge and all).

the author might have a plan for. After all, this is only the first chapter.

...Did you happen to miss the part where I said I was warning Legendarian about a potential pitfall? To help you out, let me quote it:

Now, he could be, but my point is a lot of writers don't take the above things into consideration. In other words, it's more of a warning than anything else.

I wasn't saying she had to establish right in the first chapter what her world was like. I said that there was a bunch of stuff to think about and play with as she was writing.

So, no, I'm not being unnecessarily harsh. I'm sorry if I'm biting right now, but I'm just a bit annoyed that the point of what I was trying to say was completely missed. I'm not trying to put an author down when I write a review. I'm trying to help them by pointing out the weak points of their work and offering suggestions on where to improve. Blunt? Yes. Overly harsh? No. I will never say anything with more force than I need to.

She might explain it later; you don't know. It's best to wait and see.

Reread that comment you just quoted. Did you notice how I said if you deviate from canon, you need to explain it? I never said explain it right then. I said make sure to explain it. It's best to do it when you do it to avoid confusing the readers who are used to seeing it a certain way in canon, but if you have a reason for it that you want to reveal down the line? Leave hints that that's what you're doing so the reader doesn't question things.

In other words, I'm sorry, nokyo, but yes, I'm a little annoyed. Why? Because you're criticizing the way that I review without actually asking yourself why I said what I did and what I actually mean by what I say. If you did, I wouldn't be having to explain that you sort of missed the point of what I was getting at. (Particularly in ways where I actually have to go back and point to parts of my review or explain that, no, there's nothing in my writing that says she has to reveal everything in the first chapter. As I've said, it'd be a good idea to lay some kind of foundation and give readers some kind of idea that she's tossing some rules of canon out the window because, yes, people who aren't her friends will most likely ask about things like that.)

This is the author's choice.

Actually, no, it's not. Because she's following Josephine's point of view, the reader will immediately come to revelations that Josephine experiences. As such, if she sees someone who's automatically familiar to her, she would inadvertently pass that along to the reader as well, just because the reader is following her train of thought as if the narrator is a mind-reader tuned in to Josephine and only her. (This is evidenced by earlier stylistic choices, with the narrator privy to Josephine's thoughts at the beginning of the fic.) To leave out something as obvious as the identity of someone who's supposed to be Josephine's companion (which, incidentally, has no mystery about it as soon as Josephine realizes she's a companion), you end up leaving the reader in the dark about something that they should actually know. As a result, the objective reader feels a little lost because they don't have information they need to get by.

So, yes. Please don't white-knight for Legendarian like this. I know she's your friend, but if you're going to do it, at least don't jump to conclusions about what I'm saying. Not to mention she can address me about issues with my review herself, if you don't mind. I'd be happy to explain any parts that might be a bit shady with further examples and discussions, so long as she doesn't respond to me with the "I'm blowing off writing conventions for the sake of art" argument. I really don't mind if a writer can justify what they do. They just have to have solid reasons for doing it. Solid meaning "here's what I was trying to do to give you a better angle at looking at it," not the "I intentionally left something out that should be in the first chapter for the sake of mystery" kind of reason. I mean, if I could tell that you were going to go into it later, I wouldn't be pointing it out because I'd be able to tell from your narration. Let's just face it here.

That's really what it boils down to. I pointed it out. Yes. What does that tell you? Keeping in mind that, yes, I know how to read. I know how to read closely as well. (I could go into why I went to college and all that, but I'll save you the unnecessary bragging because I'd like to think I'm a halfway-decent person.) I'm also not Legendarian's friend, so I'm not getting any insider information about this world or what she's doing with the fic. So, why did I point it out? If it was foreshadowed or if I, as a reader, knew that Legendarian was going to go into detail about the subject later on, I wouldn't need to question it because I'd be able to tell that she'd go into it later. So, why did I give her the advice that I did?

And that's something the author needs to think about on her own. That's why I'm saying don't white-knight for her. She's the one who needs to read the review carefully and make judgments about why I, as an objective (read: not her friend and someone who feels rather apathetic about her -- no offense intended) reader, said what I did. If she looks at what I'm trying to say and decides not to follow my advice, fine. However, considering the length of that review, it took me awhile to write that. I have better things to do with my time, so clearly, I'm not just BSing -- which means, again, that there's a reason why I said it that she'll want to think about on some level.

 

[Astinus]

Closed on author's request.