@ Quest for the Legends (ch. 7- 9)
-chapter title wasn't the most exciting... talked a little about the focus but that was all. Titles shouldn't only reflect the plot but also a theme supported in that particular chapter
-commonly writing prefer "Also, ..." in comparison to "... also ..." Also is generally used at the start of each sentences
Mark was stunned by Charmander?s evolution itself, but no less the fact that even though they had decided to postpone the evolution to a better time, neither of them had been able to do anything to stop it.
long sentence that's best if it's cut into 2. Right now it's not very clear regarding its meanings and it's also very wordy.
...but felt he was absolutely unable to concentrate while still worrying about whether Charmeleon was still the same person as before or not.
run on sentences... you need those conjunctions in there so you only have one verb for every sentence clauses. "Still" is used 2 times which is not a very good sign for diction as you want to be more diversed unless you are purposely seeking repetition. This sentence can use some major rewording.
-seems like diction/run on sentences and super-long-sentences-that-never-seem-to-have-an-end are problems that run throughout the entire story... I'll stop quoting examples of these errors now and hopefully you can edit the work a bit, fixing these errors.
-don't ever list anything with a mention of "first... second... third..." because it is a terribly boring way to present your information, unless the mood that you want to establish is boredom (especially those classroom scenes)
-now as always, don't ever name your character the same name as an anime/manga/game character to draw unnecessary allusions... i know that this is written before the translation for Haruka's name came out, but just a reminder for something to change in a future re-write, if any
-May's entire story would have benefitted much more if it's told in a flashback within that chapter instead of being an "extra" as if it's a sidestory... Such an important element in the story really do deserve a flashback in the mainstream chapters instead of a sidestory to tell us the details.
-a story have to be precise in details... if a scene doesn't contribute to anything, then it's best to be cut out to reduce boredom and the waste of space. The short event regarding a strange boy waving his hands in front of Mark's face is really not functioning to do anything...
-charmeleon still sounded like Charmander... not sure if this is intended for now, but we'll see in later chapters?
-have i asked before... but how come the other Pokemon's speech aren't translated to English? =o
-the extra could have lasted another page easily from some extensions of the Cydnaquil/Pikachu-mutant battle =p really right now it was an OHKO Ember...?
Entei?s eyes looked back at him, painfully robotically.
adverbs cannot describe another adverb... best to rework the syntax of the sentence to get around this problem.
The trainer gasped; Gyarados formed crimson flames deep in his throat and fired them at the lion. Entei leapt to the side, dodging the attack easily.
A contradictory statement in its setup... the trainer gasped, being surprised, yet Entei dodged the attack *easily*... really it doesn't make much sense.
-i was a bit confused at how did Mark realize that the Mewtwo there was a super-clone... not sure if there were hints about that, but perhaps i just missed something...
Good Points
-plot is interesting enough to keep readers reading
-May was exceedingly a very well developed character in comparison to all other characters in the story
-has focuses on many details that no other fanfic speaks of, such as learning TM moves
Focuses to Improve On
-syntax error and sentence structure
-improper tone and atmosphere
-other character still lacked necessary emotions to push the story beyond the point of only focusing on the basic elements of the story, such as plot and setting
Title: 3/5
Grammar Basics: 8/10
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Characterization: 13/20
Story Structure: 7/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 9/15
Diction: 12/20
Effort/Originality: 15/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 77
Can you believe it I'm actually only 5 away from clearing *ALL* fanfic review request!!!!
