Fanfiction Lounge

[Koriaku]

I Need A Couple Of People To BE In My Fanfic. I'd Take Anyone But Mods/ Webmasters Are The Best Cause I Can Contact Them

 

[Casual Billy]

Chapter 4's up! *does the Cabbage-Patch* Okay, I think that if you've been keeping up (all 4 crickets start paying attention), you'll like this chapter a lot. This chapter has a battle in it between Jack's robot and three Pokemon. Now I know you're saying to yourselves, "3 on 1, Billy? That hardly seems fair!" And to that I say, "I know!!" But now, those who are itchin' to find out who will win this battle(even the crickets leave), can do so by reading Chapter 4 of Worlds Away.

 

[Lily]

Am I down the bottom of the list Fwosty dear?~

*breaks down sobbing*

Billy- I've received your review request, but mind if I post it up somewhere later in the week? My apologies. ;; <I've only read two chapters>

 

[Casual Billy]

Billy- I've received your review request, but mind if I post it up somewhere later in the week? My apologies. ;; <I've only read two chapters>

Hey, later in the week, later in the month, later in the year...as long as you read it, it's okay with me.

 

[Aiya Quackform]

JA, you rawk, dewd. I'll be poking at it a bit longer before I send it to you. My biggest thing is which of two alternate endings to use. One is truly cruel to my readers (mwahahahaha) and the other is... well, it needs works, but it's a happier ending. Anyway... I'll send it to you later.

 

[Breezy]

*sheepish smile* The yucky fic of all time of Pok?mon fanfiction has graced the PC fanfiction forum! =O All chaos shall pursue and the world shall perish.

That's right, HLBMA. -.-; Read and review if you dare. Actually, you don't even have to read it but just check if I have gotten any better from when I first posted this fic at ff.net (if you would know what the first version was like anyways).

kthnxbai!

Heh.

 

[Dragonfree]

-now as always, don't ever name your character the same name as an anime/manga/game character to draw unnecessary allusions... i know that this is written before the translation for Haruka's name came out, but just a reminder for something to change in a future re-write, if any

Well, I was so offended when the dubbers decided to steal that name that I stubbornly decided that I'd stick with this name no matter what. When I'm stubborn, I tend to stick with what I decide (as seen by the fact that I've made quite a few revisions after May in the anim? was made and never even considered changing her name). Hey, it's not my fault they decided to name her May.

-May's entire story would have benefitted much more if it's told in a flashback within that chapter instead of being an "extra" as if it's a sidestory... Such an important element in the story really do deserve a flashback in the mainstream chapters instead of a sidestory to tell us the details.

Well, the details really don't matter that much, which is why I decided they'd be better off stuffed in an extra. All you really need to know is May's account of the story (even though it's a bit confusing). It's not really my style to make flashbacks...

-charmeleon still sounded like Charmander... not sure if this is intended for now, but we'll see in later chapters?

Well, the point is that he is pretty much the same but he is slightly different, as emphasized a bit later.

-have i asked before... but how come the other Pokemon's speech aren't translated to English? =o

u_u Everybody seems to ask that... the reason is that they aren't saying anything that really needs translation. If they were, I would translate it.

-the extra could have lasted another page easily from some extensions of the Cydnaquil/Pikachu-mutant battle =p really right now it was an OHKO Ember...?

I had this problem about writing really short battles... v_v It's much better in the most recent chapters.

A contradictory statement in its setup... the trainer gasped, being surprised, yet Entei dodged the attack *easily*... really it doesn't make much sense.

The trainer was surprised, not Entei...

-i was a bit confused at how did Mark realize that the Mewtwo there was a super-clone... not sure if there were hints about that, but perhaps i just missed something...

Well, I didn't really describe it well enough, but the point is that it resembled Mewtwo, but wasn't. The only thing that I really properly got across in that direction, though, when I review that description, was that the tail was dark blue and not purple... I'll have to do something about that.

-May was exceedingly a very well developed character in comparison to all other characters in the story

Heh, just wait for chapter ten. ;)


Thanks for reviewing. ^^

 

[Geometric-sama]

Aiya, no probs. I love to read oneshots, I've always been something of a short story specialist (I won prizes in the competitions I entered, but they were in my age group at the time, 10-14 o_O).

pkmnfanz2001, if you want webmasters, I don't mind being in your fic I guess.... unless you meant webmasters of community sites (ie. admins). Why can't you contact non-mods?

Lily: I call everyone dear, dear *pats* Which reminds me, Fwosty dear, you asked me to take care of your Lily in the lounge once but now I can't so you'll have to assign a mod. XD

 

[Chibi Pika]

Gwah, I've been banned from the comp. so I never responded to Frosty's review x_x;

A bit strange as in this point of the story, there's only the narrator and Scyther that's present. Now... when did Scyther have these attributes? Perhaps these new traits came as a result of this special Scyther being a Kabutops-Scyther-"hybrid," but readers should be hinted that this isn't an ordinary Scyther when readers come across this description... it's not a good thing to do to expect your readers to ignore the confusion, and read on forward then come back in order to understand everything.

Hmm, you're right, I suppose I didn't think about that because appearance-wise, he hardly looks different form a normal one, but I know how to edit that part anyway.

-a Pikachu-Zapdos hybrid is used for stuides, yet clearly throughout the entire Remnants the narrator told us that the control over legendary Pokemon are what the Humans are striving for... if they haven't got a hold over the legendaries yet, I'm not very sure how can a Pikachu-Zapdos hybrid (which is obviously man-made) exist. Now possibly the narrator is the Pikachu-Zapdos hybrid, but I think that the narrator should be Jolteon. A Pikachu-Zapdos hybrid should have wings which the narrator lacked, and a Pikachu-Zapdos hybrid won't have the black pointy ears that a Jolteon possessed... so either way, the Pikachu-Zapdos hybrid is unexplained.

^^;;; Ah, welll...that has an explanation that does make sense, I suppose I'll try to make that part clear. Mainly, the problem is that I tried to jam too complicated a plot into one one-shot. They had only a single Zapdos feather from an old attempted capture, so they used it to enhance a Pikachu. There was so little genetic material however, and it had been damaged from the battle, that very little appearance changes were made, the main changes being in power type and abilities. It had to be Pikachu because of tie-ins with my fic.

In short, most of my one-shot side stories for my fic I managed to make completely seperate. This one I didn't. XP

-something to explain regarding the 13/15 for story structure... the indication that all the other captives being freed isn't the best for the story on the symbolic level. To be freed out of the cage symbolizes freedom, yet all the other captives have lost their mind already... so the symbol didn't really work there. It would be much better if only the narrator is freed.

Auugh, you're right *bangs head against wall*

-can't help but ponder for why the "s" exist in "Remnants" (story title), when there is only one that is left... afterall, the narrator did state that it is "the only remnant of their experimentation..." Have to be careful about little details like this.

Mainly because there was more to that in the way of symbolics, such as in the beginning there were two 'remnants', in the end there is one, but all remnants of the Pikachu's hope for the experiments' fate have died.

But 90/100??? Holy crap O_O;;; Wow SoE on my worst one-shot, and on your new hard review scale no less? Woosh...

~Chibi~

 

[Lily]

Lily: I call everyone dear, dear *pats* Which reminds me, Fwosty dear, you asked me to take care of your Lily in the lounge once but now I can't so you'll have to assign a mod. XD

O.O no commen- er...I love you too, dear.


billy- thanks for understanding =3

 

[Natsuki]

XD Well, I'm sure it'll turn out fine, RMW. ^_______^

OK, for all those who are patiently waiting, thanks! I'm soo sorry it's taken me so long to make the next chapter for Kalaigrah's Curse, but I'll get right on it! ^^;

~Kelsey

 

[Frostweaver]

@ Hoenn Mirror World (Revision) (Prologue - ch. 1)

One is the Hoenn we are all familiar with. The Hoenn that we know is like any other place in the world: full of special creatures, Pokemon, with different characteristics and abilities.

Now couple of grammatical mistakes in a row... First of all, "one" what? One elephant? One monkey? One pile of smelly unmentionables? In most cirumstances, numbers are usually adjectives so keep that in mind. It should be a comma after "with" not a period as the next sentence won't make sense then. A world of Pokemon *isn't* like any other place in the world because you're talking to the readers here who are used to Earth where... last time in bio class I've never learned of any creatures that breath out fire or throwing razor sharp leaves at one another. Perhaps (and I think) you're trying to talk to the audience as if they live in the Pokemon World. Perhaps so, but how are readers suppose to know that they have to take on a role of a citizen in the Pokemon World here? In order to fix this confusion, insert "Pokemon" in front of world just to clearly distinguish between what world we're talking about. So always be careful about the proper selection of wordings. Don't let your readers do any work to figure out what's going on except picking out irony, symbolism and all those literary devices with hints you dropped along the way.

... life will be changed forever...

avoid cliches. I'm not saying that cliches can't be used, but they're very difficult as one wrong move with cliches and your entire section of the story becomes "cheesy." It is like starting a story with "Once upon a time..." It does work, but immediately any potential angst level in your story has been completely destroyed. Unless you want a fairy tale, you avoid "once upon a time" like plague. Do the same with "... life will be changed forever," as it destroys a story's maturity level. Don't use it unless you want the tone to be purposely cheesy.

In the home of the Janvi family

Home isn't the right word that you want... home is not a physical object as it has no defined position or anything of substance to it. Home can be a garbage can if you're poor enough... "In the Janvi residence" is the right phrase that you want. Also, home is a bit too cuddly and warm for a narrator (who is suppose to remain neutral under most circumstances) to say anyway.

-"then" is almost always at the start of a sentence phrase, and never anywhere else except "What then" or "but then" pretty much...

before taking a quick shower and washed her face. Afterwards, she dried herself off, wrapped the towel around her body, and brushed her teeth.

why not just call all of this "as Mariah was getting herself ready for the day,..."? Part of the tricky and difficult things to control in stories is to be precise in details. Details are good, but when not the unnecessary ones that don't contribute to anything.

?It's not serious, but it'll take a while to get it fixed.?

So many "it"s... which it is which? Watch out if you're being clear in terms of what a pronoun is referring to.

She was wearing a bright yellow sleeveless shirt, a medium length skirt and sandals that matched in color, and a yellowish-orange ribbon in her hair.

Avoid throwing out lists like this... really bores your reader easily. As I've said before to other authors, don't ever let a physical description be left along without some sort of minor action buffering in between to take away the "boredom." The action don't have to be much at all. It can be as little as "walking." For example, this can be rewritten as

"Wearing her yellow sleeveless shirt, Mariah sprinted down the flight of stairs to the kitchen as her skirt of matching colors fluttered about her..."

Not yet refined to the best quality due to the unsuitable mood, but it's a start, and hopefully you understand from that example...

She was looking forward to it because she can

"Was" and "can" in the same sentence like that obviously suggest that there's a problem in verb tenses...

and a desk that had three Pokeballs and a Pokedex was in the back of the room.

You can't use 2 "and"s like that. Break the sentence up into multiple sentences here.

-watch out for needless repetitions... for example, you used " blue Pokemon with orange fins on its face" twice in consequence short paragraphs.

-you want the single quotations around 'twins' not the double quotations in a story, since double quotations are taken by conversations already

but the third one refused to give in. He tackled Treecko, and then the second one followed suit after gathering his courage, and finally the first.

it's kinda confusing at the moment with the Poochyenas being labeled by numbers yet they're introduced backwards in terms of order, but the order of their tackle attacks are flipped around... why not just use "another" in place of "second" and "the last" in place of "first" to be more clear?

Good Points
-improvement since last review
-small amount of tone appears

Focuses to Work On
-grammar
-avoid "listing"
-diction and syntax -> needs to be more clear in your narration

Title: 3/5
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Characterization: 12/20
Story Structure: 6/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 10/15
Diction: 9/20
Effort/Originality: 15/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 70

 

[Strawberry Delcatty]

Good Points
-improvement since last review
-small amount of tone appears

Thanks. Meow.

Focuses to Work On
-grammar
-avoid "listing"
-diction and syntax -> needs to be more clear in your narration

Well, to be honest, I don't have too much experience with narratives. I'm really trying to make this story as good as possible for my site, so I appreciate any (and all) help.

Title: 3/5
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Characterization: 12/20
Story Structure: 6/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 10/15
Diction: 9/20
Effort/Originality: 15/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 70

Well, at least I did slightly better.
Hopefully, chapters 2 and 3 will get better scores.

Also, I'm sorry that 4 is going so slowly. I'll try to work on it faster (and pull an all-nighter if I could).

 

[Geometric-sama]

O.O no commen- er...I love you too, dear.


billy- thanks for understanding =3

Ah, that's lovely, dear ^^

XD Well, you've got a lot on your shoulders now, Lily dear. A mod protector once Fwosty dear assigns you a new bodyguard, and Abby charged you to become the next "her" XD.

 

[Mr Cat Dog]

Oooh - it's nearly my turn! It's been ages since my last frosty review. I can't remember what I got actually XD

 

[rubyrulez]

Well, I put up Chapter 15 of Pokemon: Lento Legends earlier this morning. I hope you all like it. :)

 

[Strawberry Delcatty]

Characterization: 12/20
Story Structure: 6/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 10/15
Diction: 9/20[/I]

Well, I didn't feel enough tone, enough voice in your story.

Okay, this "tone" and "diction" stuff I'm barely getting. I don't have much experience with characterization (I've been a "good guys win, bad guys lose" type of person all my life), and I'm not too familar with story structure.

Not to sound stupid, but... can anyone help me on this?

 

[Geometric-sama]

*pokes Fwosty dear*

About your waiting list... you mean I have to wait AGAIN until my fic gets reviewed? ;_; Oh well... XD

 

[Strawberry Delcatty]

I'll be checking out the stories that got Frostweaver's "Standard of Excellence" (except three that I've already read and one I'm reading at Fanfic.net) so that way I could get some ideas on how to improve my currently lousy writing. My other narratves that I've wrote at PE2K were mostly experiments, but I'm rather serious about my HMW revision (chapter 4 is still in the works). I really want it to be the best it can be.

So, I've got Light Kiss down, and it was very good. I'll get to either Guilty by Design or Summer's Dying Days tomorrow.

 

[Geometric-sama]

You should also go through the lounge and look at Frosty's ratings if you want to do that, then, because since he changed the SoE there's a lot of other 90+ stories as well as 80-90 stuff. XD