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frostweaver said:
However, there's no cure to the lack of reading... more you read, the better you speak, and the better you write. Without reading, it's difficult to learn what "good sentences" are like, and how you have to improve in order to write from "decent sentences" to "good sentences." Some of these things are straight from reading, and nowhere else.

Yup, you said it... I learn english a lot because I like to read books, which also made me into fan fic writting! XP
 
Okay, so does reading refer to reading novels or others fan fiction as well?
 
the better the novel/fanfic that you've read, the better that you write... perferribly read both. Novels give you general concepts that you can apply anywhere, while fanfics contain its own elements that you can learn nowhere else (yeah like as if any novel will help you with writing Pokemon battles... only other Pokemon fanfics help with that)
 
Goals are good.


If you're looking to expand your vocabulary, follow the advice that has already been given. Whee, really wise and all-knowing I sound, hm?

Well, follow the above AND: whenever you find a word that you're unsure of, even remotely, look it up. Second wonderful piece of advice from the guy hovering above the FanFic forums: read some older novels. The vocabularies way back when where pretty good, especially when you hit the hundred-fifty-year mark.

There, the FFLounge closet reader strikes yet again in yet another poor soul's life. >.>

?SilverBlaze09?
 
Finally the PC server is shaping up again and I can finally read...

@ The F.O.D. by Billy5772

DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE THIS FIC IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO AND IN NO WAY BOUND BY THE CIRCUMSTANCES OR BOUNDARIES PRESENTED IN THE ANIME/GAMES.
oook... pointless author's note. Being bound by these types of media is what makes fanfic a fanfic. Otherwise, i'll be called an original story. Changing of the canon doesn't need to be explained in author's notes, as long as you do it appropriately. Also, don't speak in all caps... it's really rude to your readers. Manners exist in writing.

-watch for consistency in verb tense. Past or present, choose one and stick with it.

-countenance is usually associated with the demonic and the fellow ugly... so wrong word choice here in terms of connotation.

-double negative conjunctions need "nor" not "or"

?Hey, wake up.? The two strange travelers lay in a grassy spot on the ground. Jay had awoken first of the two and he now turned his head to his left so that he might face his fellow wanderer.
first paragraph is a bit confusing... at first it sounded like it's a party of 3, and the 3rd member is trying to wake the other two up (Jay and Celia.) But then it turns out that it's Jay who's trying to wake Celia... confusing in terms of how many of them are there O.o;

-brilliant doesn't need the ly... you want adjective, not adverb there

-hydrogenous really crushes the setting... purity is what's happening, and now we throw in words that suggest chemical compounds... I assume that you're talking about water here? Afterall, a lump of coal can also be hydrogenous, and it's an awfully strange setting for this fanfic to see flying lumps of coal in the sky.

-the transition is always poor if you use "6 hours later" or just how many hours later... do it with the narration, unless it's set up to be part of your style, or a script fic

-bit confused... who's Susan? O.o; whoever said "Jason, I gotta go" is equally confusing... readers definitely have to read back after they are introduced to Jimmy (and even by then, we have no idea who's Jimmy without a bit of assumption and guessing). Have to be more precise about who is related to who.

-avoid self-promotion as it gives the readers a terrible image of you. AVOID AT ALL COST. Be it likely or not likely that authors write with a penname that includes numbers or not, this part of the story is complete harm and absolutley no gain. This minor detail either doesn't exist at all, or exists for the sake of symbols. I personally cannot think of any possible symbols that relate to Billy5772 at all. Notice how in any real books that you read, you'll never see the authors sticking in random names for the books that a character is reading, as it's 100%, all the time, symbolic. Making random symbols is very dangerous.

It didn?t make sense that Jimmy had just had to go home and yet his father was standing right here but grown-ups are always right so Jason thought nothing of it.
HUGE run on sentence... use punctuations accurately please to assist the story's readability.

Jason got up quickly off of the slide
an example of being wordy... why not just "Jason quickly got off the slide"

-the legendaries act very uncanonically... let's rush into the city full of people after escaping from whatever they're escaping from. On top of that, legendary is classified as a legendary not only due to the immense power, but also due to rarity. Looking at how Jay/Celia rushes into a relatively petty matter so easily, calling them a rare sight sounds like a joke... the choosing of the child seems to be random according to the story, which is awfully awkward too. Story doesn't mention why Jason is chosen... or at least, so little that it doesn't say enough for such an important part of the story.

-started off calling Celebi/Jirachi by their name or as a description, so keep it that way... it'll be really odd and pointless to refer to them by their species name or "the two Pokemon..." Calling them as Pokemon certainly destroys part of their special status as a legendary instead (and since no other Pokemon are mentioned so far, it's not unusual to assume that the other Pokemon may not exist in this particular time zone... calling them Pokemon suddenly will feel very awkward due to this no-Pokemon possibility)

-more strange as the story progresses... so now Jason became a god of some sort for... who knows why or what happened to cause that...

-again, do explain about what you've wrote or make it clear... what'a one-dimension moving object? 2D i can imagine, but what's 1D?

-ok one chapter has passed since F.O.D is first introduced, and I still don't see what the heck it is besides "mysterious attack that pretty much acts like a computer chip more than 'an attack.'" I read your explaination in defense of ActonThat's identical criticism, and i still think it's a poor explanation. If it's an acronymn, then what is it an acronymn of?

-who thinks that there's an obvious problems when Jay can create something as powerful as the F.O.D, but have difficulties when he tries to open windows?

Now in terms of ActonThat's reviews, there's a few things where I personally think it's just fine...

-Not surprising if a Celebi's tears can purify smog... afterall, Suicune's presense is already enough to purify water, so why not have Celebi's tears be powerful enough to purify the air? This is just marking the plot...

-In terms of the city being such a terrible place, well last time I checked, no one wants to be homeless besides a few anarchists. However, they remain on the street because they just don't have the money. Sim City is an ideal simulation (including an ideal simulation of parts of the imperfect), while reality is not ideal. Midgar in FF7 is crappy, and the citizens know it just fine, but all of them stay for their own reasons, mostly financial.

-the capitalization of Pokemon attacks is an optional thing, just like how the word Pokemon can be capitalized at random. Pokemon species name however, must be captialized. Either way, it's extremespeed/Extremespeed though. It's one word, unlike quick attack/Quick Attack.

-Pokemon world got plenty of supreme legendary that tries to save the world... really be careful in terms of what twists are to come, and make it REAL SOON. Twists that dont' show up by chapter 2 is very late. I read up to chapter 3 and still it looks like a plain old legendary-save-the-day-kick-bad-guy-butt basic story...

-dialogue flooding occurs as well... almost every paragraph starts with a dialogue, and some paragraphs are purely dialogues. At the same time, does anyone sense complete perfection in character? This spells: Pokemon Anime. Use the narration to your advantage to reduce the number of dialogues. Plenty of these dialogues are unnecessary and unimportant too... The legendaries are really human to the point that they're more like TR's Meowth. They feel more like superman/superwoman than Pokemon, and someone who haven't seen a Jirachi/Celebi will certainly mistaken them to be superman/superwoman.

-Jirachi is so OOC that it's not even funny. It acts completely against its nature that's fixed in the canon of the Pokedex. Try making a story about a Pidgeot (without any physical defect problems) that it can't fly faster than 2 meters an hour but it can swim at the speed of sound... that's how awkward Jirachi is being right now.

Good Points

-(rather general... nothing spectacular that stands out alright)

Focuses to Improve On
-explanations on almost everything
-grammar
-explain and fix up plot flaws

Title: 2/5
Grammar Basics: 8/10
Coherence/Readability: 6/10
Characterization: 8/20
Story Structure: 6/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 8/15
Diction: 9/20
Effort/Originality: 13/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0


total: 60
 
It opened slowly, revealing large and thick black rims about two brilliantly oceanic eyes.

I think this is what you were referring to. It is correct if you think of it as the eyes being oceanic and being oceanic brilliantly. That's the way I was thinking when I wrote it 'cause then it's modifying a verb.

hydrogenous really crushes the setting... purity is what's happening, and now we throw in words that suggest chemical compounds... I assume that you're talking about water here? Afterall, a lump of coal can also be hydrogenous, and it's an awfully strange setting for this fanfic to see flying lumps of coal in the sky.

Yeah, I changed that (probably after you had already reviewed it). But coal can't be hydrogenous fluid from someone's eyes, though.

again, do explain about what you've wrote or make it clear... what'a one-dimension moving object? 2D i can imagine, but what's 1D?

I changed that! Yeah, 1D is something silly. I just messed up.

Okay, I will try and work on the rest of the stuff, though. Thanks.
 
err... how do you "modify" a verb? >>; adverb describes a verb, and an adjective describes a noun. What's more to it? The clause "being oceanic brilliantly" is a terrible clause anyway even if that is the case (which is not, because you can't assume a verb to exist in a sentence when it doesn't exist). It's really stretching the meaning of brilliant to its greatest limits in order to make sense... it just doesn't work.

Pokejungle if you do want a rate, do it by PM so I can tell what's the order that I have to work in.
 
I have another question: how can you tell if your fic is becoming something like the Pokemon anime? I've already know some symptoms, but I'm sure there's more...

-Too much dialogue, especially in battles
-Characters being too perfect
-Johto filler-style chapters (same thing always happening with no twists)
-Having a trainer wake up to get his/her first Pokemon from a professor

Anything I missed?
 
That I'm more than guilty for. I happen to be rather fond of traveling groups (especially if the traveleres are going to play a major role later on in the story).

Is there any way around this, or are fics with traveling group fics automatically bad?
 
(shrugs) Sure, its done in the anime (in a quite lousy/petty manner) and in a large population of fanfics, but I'm not exactly sure/willing to comment about the traveling in groups thing being all out wrong... I figure as long each party member plays a role of actual importance and is there for a valid reason that the character in question will constantly keep in mind (bodyguard etc) then it should be fine. That usually is the easiest way to create well-done character developments/bonds

I can easily point out alot of other NON Pokemon series that have a party/team of characters in a group for various (important) reasons but it might not work out...
 
the Pokemon anime seems to follow a party system that several RPGs, as well as other journey anime series like Inuyasha, seems to follow. You've got travelers meeting up with eachother along a journey, they become huge friends, they figure what the hell, why not travel together. Some of these traveler groups can have the same destination in mind, or maybe one of the members is just an aimless wanderer who needs to socialize somehow (such being the case with Takeshi, Inuyasha's Shippou, etc.). Though, it really helps to have each of the party members contribute in some way rather than waste air and be friggin useless the whole time, probably doing nothing but being the cute mascot or sexual eye candy. Have everyone do something important, even if it's just one thing that's minor, yet had some slight impact on the plot. In other words, said action isn't within some filler chapter that has no relevance to the continuity whatsoever (sadly, the afforementioned Shippou doesn't seem to live up to this).

frostweaver said:
Nekomajo Asunya said:
Talking Pokemon appear to be common in fics these days.
Don't forget how 3/4 of them are simply terribly done... if the canon is to be changed, there better be a darn good reason and a transition on how the change is to be done.

actually, I wouldn't consider it changing canon. The Meowth in Team Rocket, as well as various other rare cases, is proof that Pokemon are capable of human speech within canon. Several writers, like myself, decide to take advantage of this fact in certain ways. Although, it helps not to go overboard and do a story where pretty much every domestic Pokemon has learned to talk, cause talking Pokemon should still look like a special thing. Of course, there are exceptions, like when you have alternate reality fics where Pokemon are main characters or whatever.
 
All the Pokemon in the original canon are explained one way or another... Imho, all but two are not faulty in terms of why they can talk. Don't think the game or the manga has any talking Pokemon, so this means it's the anime only

Meowth in TR- explained in one episode why he can talk, and pays the price of talking with the inability to learn the (in TR's POV) ultimate attack- pay day

Lapras (winter special)- telepathy (but why does only that one Lapras talk with telepathy and not any other Lapras... another loophole of the anime)

Mewtwo- created to have this ability by Doctor Fugi, similiar to how Doctor Fugi created Ai and Ai can talk perfectly fine

Tentacool and Tentacruel- don't really count since they talk through Meowth's body

Gastly- no idea what's wrong with this one... ability to change into cash machines, fake Pokemon, changing into *Real animals* as well as talking... illegal drugs give new abilities I guess? But then again, this is also the only Gastly who immediately weakens up due to the presense sunlight, unlike every other ghost in the Pokemon anime


Guess that out of the rare occassions, half of them got a good reason for talking, and half of them do not. Then again, looking at the combined amount of Pokemon that appear, and compare the numbers with Pokemon that can talk, it's pretty obvious how one sided it is for Pokemon to not talk unless stated otherwise, with the exception to alternate universe or Pokemon as the main character.

Talking Pokemon may not be so much of a huge problem if it's not for 2 other anime/game that comes out near the time Pokemon game out- Monster Ranchers and Digimon, both featuring talking monsters, while the extreme vast majority of Pokemon, do not.

Greatest problem with the F.O.D in terms of Celebi/Jirachi is that they don't act like a Pokemon, don't speak like a Pokemon, and don't follow their respective pokedex entry either except that Celebi is a nature-freak and can time travel. Anything about Jirachi and Celebi, besides physical description, can also be related to Superman/Superwoman/whatever-super-heroes instead of relating to any Pokemon... From ActonThat's reviews, it sounds like he is picking up the same feeling... Pokemon speaking english as if nothing is wrong with it further amplifies the problem. At least throw out the always-works-but-lame-excuse-of-"mysterious psychic powers" in an attempt to explain it you know...
 
frostweaver said:
the better the novel/fanfic that you've read, the better that you write... perferribly read both. Novels give you general concepts that you can apply anywhere, while fanfics contain its own elements that you can learn nowhere else (yeah like as if any novel will help you with writing Pokemon battles... only other Pokemon fanfics help with that)

Hmmm.... then I guess Breezy's fanfics is an example for getting and making better pokemon battle scenes!

Hmmm.... can't type much, since my computer is in a critical state and hmm... gonna get more ideas around me!
 
Um,... what is Jirachi's pokedex entry? I found Celebi's just now on serebii.net, but it didn't really say anything about Jirachi. I just know that he's the "wish maker" and stuff. What else should I know about his character?
 
Ruby
A legend states that JIRACHI will make true any wish that is written on notes attached to its head when it awakens. If this POK?MON senses danger, it will fight without awakening.

Sapphire
JIRACHI will awaken from its sleep of a thousand years if you sing to it in a voice of purity. It is said to make true any wish that people desire.

Emerald
JIRACHI is said to make wishes come true. While it sleeps, a tough crystalline shell envelops the body to protect it from enemies.

FireRed/LeafGreen
It is said to make any wish come true. It is awake for only seven days out of a thousand years.

Signature move: Doom Desire (probably one of the most interesting yet hardest move to write about out of all Pokemon moves... it's pretty easy to make Jirachi OOC when a new writer tries to use this move in a fanfic)

All of this fits the role Jirachi played in the 7th Pokemon movie as well... and it's not much of an excuse to not know Jirachi's entry just because green forum doesn't have it, because it's not even that hard to find its pokemon entry... don't be lazy and do some research about what you're going to write about.
 
Those are interesting facts about the J-man (is what I call 'im). Hmm... I didn't know that my "artistic license" with the characters would be received so harshly, and I certainly do not see the problem in changing a couple of rules to suit the fic. Like, to get around the fact that Jirachi only wakes every thousand years, I, in Worlds Away, caused him to wake up early (about 244 years early) due to an imminent threat to the Pokemon world. Technically, that's not possible according to "canon", but is it such a terrible crime to bend the rules just to give the fic more twists?

It's very interesting how rigid and constricting these character rules are. I haven't watched the show or the movies, and was basing my stories off of characters in the game. I just let those characters float around in mah head and eventually I formed a story about them. Technically it's still Pokemon fanfiction, though, so what's the big deal if my characters speak english? What's the big deal if they act a little more human than in the show? What's the big deal if they defy some rules of "canon" to make the story more original? Seems like the canon cannon keeps shooting holes in my plot, but I don't understand why such a set of rules is that stringently enforced.
 
A canon is what makes a fanfic different than an original story. If the canon is such a trouble for you to deal with, then I'll suggest you to make 2 original characters to replace Celebi and Jirachi, and it shouldn't be too hard considering only the physical description needs to be changed.

Canon rules can always be bent, such as the talking Meowth of Team Rocket. However, canon is to be bent only when *explained throughoutly and reasonably.* The english thing for example... plenty of fanfics have talking Pokemon, and some of them are accepted as a well-done choice for that fanfic. However, for this one here, they speak English "just because." No reason is given, and no explaination on how they do it too (like I said, not even the almighty-"psychic power" reason is used.)

It's a fanfic, and a fanfic is based on certain criteria from the original. These criteria forms the canon.
 
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