@ Whirl Island Adventure (continued), IceKing
Julie watched Cianwood slowly get smaller and smaller
again, the 2 verb problem...
-it's completely ok to say that Sunkern has a high def although its total stats is the absolute worst in the game (below Caterpie and Magikarp). However, a "shell" is kinda pushing it... that's like mutating its actual physical appearance... perhaps you're looking for "coating?"
-odd grammar mistakes continue to fly throughout the rest of the story... missing periods, or using the wrong articles ("the" vs "a")
-short paragraphs are always odd when they can be longer. Try combining some paragraphs, especially the battle scenes. They're all related, so they share the same content, qualifying them to be the same paragraphs.
-the Drowzee dream eating scene with Greg can use some expanding and further detail... right now it's really short and really confusing. No point of humor when no one understands it, hm?
It's almost always "Then, she..." instead. "She then" is only used orally, or dialogues. Narrators can never use "She then..."
-the struggle part doesn't make too much sense actually... in terms of game respective, there's still tons of PP left for constrict. In terms of the anime, you can't run out of moves either, but you can get too tired to do any attacks (Skarmory episode.) It's ok to use struggle, but the reason for struggle given by Julie doesn't make much sense here.
-watch out if your author's note is revealing the story... You shouldn't need to say things like "second plot is revealed later" or anything like that. Let your reader read on to find out.
-Brian's falling behind quickly in character development as the party leave Cianwood. Julie and Greg are going on, while Brian doesn't have much special traits. Character development should be done simultaneously, and not let one character fall behind or so.
-though battle scenes have room for improvement, they're pretty well done. The only problem is that the strategies are really obvious. It's not hard to predict the outcome of the first two battles regarding Jigglypuff/Machop, and Sunkern/Tangela. I slipped in prediction regarding Tangela's 2nd match though, but then I already mentioned my problems with that battle involving struggle. I Thought that Tangela will win again.
-now this is a creativity thing... some fanfic writers treat vine whip as a physical attack instead of a grass move, which is fine seeing how the attack works. It seems to be the case here regarding Tangela's taunt at Sunkern. If you have indeed treated Vine Whip as physical attacks, then you may have to give off more hints about it. There are ways to use your descriptions so that vine whip sounds "more physical" than "grass." Some may view the vine whip problem with Tangela/Tangela's taunt to be a plot loophole.
(syntax- the ordering of words in a sentence, part of sentence structure. Syntax affects how a sentence flow, and good usage of syntax throughout the entire story has a direct effect on how smooth the entire story is. Generally, the less words you used, the better your syntax. Like connotations, there's no definitive laws to syntax, but it's rather if it sounds "awkward to you." Some words sound strange although the definition makes sense. Some ordering of words sound strange although it is grammatically correct. That is syntax.)
-Character development exist, but isn't spectacular... To push the fanfic into the 90, your character development cannot simply be the stereotypical ones (One being smart, one being stupid, and the last one being the in-between on the intelligence range. Characters, including the minor ones, in this fanfic really reminds me of Harry Potter.) in order to be outstanding. So far the characters have only one trait (Greg having 2, which is to be Misty-obsessive), which isn't enough to be too interesting as well.
Good Points
-good battle scenes
-relatively original for OT
Focuses to Improve On
-Grammar
-Syntax
-Brian's character development
Title: 3/5
Grammar Basics: 8/10
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Characterization: 15/20
Story Structure: 11/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 11/15
Diction: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 13/15
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (anecdote)
total: 86
Well done =D
(as for other reviews... I'll *eventually* get to them >> *throws Hamlet towards the wall*)
