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Fanfiction Lounge

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I wanna do another Fanfic, that takes place in the same time, It's called Moonlight Shadow, about Orange's friend Diamond, yes there will be pictures, and a Title Screen ^_^ Even a Themesong ^_^
 
before you even start Dizzy, already got critiques for that fanfic

-super mega cliched titles aka not cool

-it's a fanfic, not a music video... o.o; focus on writing, and just stick with pictures as extras... don't need *all* of those things or else it'll take things away from the fanfic.
 
I'm only trying to make my fan-fics super-readable since people ignored them anyways. I just wanna have a fan-fic like everyone else where people actually read them instead of me wasting my time and putting effort in for nothing.
 
frostweaver said:
-well that isn't enough... I do know of that line, but still her actions aren't as desperate as what the narration claims to be. Her actions, especially tone of voice, gotta match up with her desperation. I mean, she seems to be capable of thinking somewhat logically even during the moment she's about to suicide x_x;

-even if the hatred is to be explained later, you can't let it fly loose like that... x_x; Gotta drop off a hints here and there saying that there's some grudge between the two before this event.

-if you want Dennis to be self centered, there are TONS of opportunities for you to do that in your story. Also, his friendliness and his sense of responsibility as a big brother for Amy are somewhat acting against this personality of his... he seemed quite selfless and "perfect" at the moment of looking for Amy (especially when he waits for Nina to catch up and etc... it maybe better if you say that he just runs ahead of her despite of her calling for him to wait up and etc etc etc)

Well... have to go read Blue's story, then I'll come back to edit ToLaF, and then finally go see the new chapter of CoD o.o;
Click to expand...

I see what you mean now.. XD

I need to work on my characters... *goes of editing some parts*

BLah...I edited some 20+ chapters of ToLaF ... 50+ more...
 
@ CoD ch.5:

-CRITICAL ERROR! No dark scenes of angst should ever involve names (most of the time this is true, and certainly true in this case)! Scrape off every "Dennis" in that scene and replace them all with "he" to add mysterious feelings to the dark atmosphere. As for the last line in the dark scene, change it somehow so that it reveals no name.

-no point of revealing the fact that those eyes are from a dragon of some sort either

-Frosty detects a lack of experience of angst-style writing here! ;p And only by writing more will you ever fix this... generally, that scene wasn't "dark" enough for the audience to be gasping in fear... (not exaggerating... good writers like Brian who mysteriously got lost in a FFNet database error can really do that...)

-once again, the date line is unusual : " ?The date is off, Dennis. I didn?t want a date anyway. I only battled you because you forced me too.? very ood... lol Nina and dates seem to only result in a picky Frosty pecking Oni's back it seems ;p

-how Nina broke in was unexplained and that's not very good either...

-the police won't only refer to Dennis as "the kid" when they think that he is the kidnapper... try "the kidnapper" or even "murderer"

-more setting conflict: don't use the word "horizon" when it's at night... horizon usually talks of sunrise or sunset.

-the dragonair swarm cannot be a "sentinel" if they're the one attacking. Sentinel just doesn't make any sense here. Sentinel means a look out. This word can only be used for the defending side in a war-like context.

-plot flaw: the chasing guards' reactions are unusually slow... WAY too slow to be even semi-logical. This delay in action resulted in a few short paragraphs making no sense at all.

-mega plot flaw: I see no reason why the guards of Pewter will not just shoot the kid who they believe to be the trainer of the dragonair pack immediately. They are once again, unusually slow in deciding to just shoot Dennis along with the dragonair pack.

-*cough* it would make a lot more sense (along with the fact that it'll be more visually pleasing to your fanfic audiences) if the dragonairs just blasted the guards apart to save Dennis, and then took leave... it's also a good way to resolve the tension that you built up. Currently, the tension was building just fine all along and BAM! Nothing happens.

-3rd time already, the guards of Pewter are acting stupid... why in the world would they let a highly dangerous criminal run loose to the other cities?


(please don't kill me for the last comment ._.)

In short, the chapter is...

(DON'T KILL ME!)

Overrated.

*arms himself with flame shield as he quickly runs away from the scene, using the shield as his only means of protection from the raging flames from the angry fanfic readers of PC, and Oni's fanclub*
 
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Nah, not angry at you...XD

It's been a while since I've gotten a real review...I was relly trying to find something that's wrong in my writing style. Note that this is my first attempt to darkfics...XD

You made a point about the police guards letting him loose...I'll edit that perhaps...XD
 
*shoots barrage of missiles at Frostweaver. XD
*follows up with nuke
 
Ya I got more of my fic up. It's chapter four it's a set up for the deoxys corp arc of the story
 
@ CoD ch.6 version 2 + ch. 7

-it's a lot better now with the dragonairs slaughtering all of the chasing guards instead.

-short fight scene but it served its purpose for the plot. it was short but sweet and realistic, so it really doesn't matter regarding the length of that in the end

-time to pick up the thesaurus! there's no need for 3 "darkness" in a paragraph that's 4 lines long... try using "shadow" or "umbra" once in awhile, or any other similar words that you can find

-Nina is OOC in ch. 7... she seems quite jolly even though she has just vitnessed one terrifying battles between Pewter city guards and the mysterious dragon army. Even though she's obviously less terrified than Dennis, she shouldn't be *that* happy

-minor diction note: "he can worm out of every tight situation" does make sense if you look at what the dictionary says, but at the same time, worm is a "very low" verb that really doesn't describes glorious scenes, but more like some dishonorable or embarassing escape. I don't think anyone will notice that but minor word changes here and there does eventually affect the mood

-great improvement for creating Dennis's character and his battle lust

-there aren't even nearly as much plot flaws as last chapter... great job!
 
frostweaver said:
@ CoD ch.6 version 2 + ch. 7

-Nina is OOC in ch. 7... she seems quite jolly even though she has just vitnessed one terrifying battles between Pewter city guards and the mysterious dragon army. Even though she's obviously less terrified than Dennis, she shouldn't be *that* happy
Click to expand...

Oh crap...I forgot that part. When I wrote this, I haven't planned on getting the guards killed first...

Anyways, I'm gonna edit it...
 
Sorry for the major delay, I will have Act II up by tonight if not earlier. I just have so much to do and so little time so please bear with me.
 
Any chance of getting a review on the updated Mew's Chosen One? Just wondering...

~~~~~~~~~~

I posted Chapter 4 anywho... so reviews would be greatly appreciated!!
 
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SHAMELESS ADVERTISEMENT

Please go read my fanfic! Critiques of any form are welcomed! Praises and flames are also welcomed! But don't give me the "this fanfic needs no improvement!" crap.

Note: not suitable for people who didn't watch the Pokemon anime within the past year

XP

ok now on to the others' reviews

@ A Look at Pokemorph's Life

-still the same-o, same-o o.o;

@ The Ghost and the Darkness

-again, same-o same-o like last time... you're publishing an awful lot of chapters within such a short time period. Use some time to make the chapters longer and add on some description.
 
Okay, I posted the first chapter of a new fanfic I asked Pyra if I could work on. It's called "Quest for Justice," and it'll show why it'll be called that later on. ^^;

It's based on our RP, so don't flame me! *Cowers* o.o;
 
There I did my new fic "the dreamer" it took forever to get the spell check done...yet I think there are still stuff wrong with it. Reviews please!
 
Short Sequel to Ties of love and Friendship posted... (may contain spoilers if you didn't read Ties of Love and Friendship)

Chapter 9 of Call of Dragons posted
 
SHAMELESS ADVERTISEMENT #2

-go read the current sticky aka my fanfic- Mere Velleity =)

I'll give anyone who read it a cookie! And thanks to Oni to sticky it too ^_^ *gives 2 cookies*

@ The Ghost and the Darkness (redoned)

-ahem... the prelude scene looks rather "familiar" doesn't it... why it looks like I've read it elsewhere before! Hmm... I wonder what fanfic that can be... it cannot possibly come from *my fanfic* can it?

(lol how dare you stole my Jirachi scene! However, you're now pardoned XD)

-renaming chapter 1 to "Prelude" seems more fitting

-like mentioned, be sure to have a blank line between each paragraph

-overall minor grammatical mistakes, and there are a lot less compare to last time

-now an unnecessary allusion occured... don't give your character a name of "Seto" unless it's a YGO crossover or YGO allusion. I mean like I was reading and then suddenly the thought of "I sacrifice my two monsters on the field for the Blue Eyes White Dragon!" popped into my mind when I came across the name of Seto XD. Don't name the character Seto (it'll make the readers think of Seto Kaiba)

-it's a little bit repetitive after hearing so many "first voice said, second voice said, third voice said" and etc... after the first time, you no longer need to introduce who said what everytime. Just go on with the conversation without saying which of the 3 voices said it.

-overall, a *much* better job in comparison to the previous version. There are a lot more details, and the scenes flow a little bit better with the awake and dreaming theme. The only thing lacking is perhaps character background information of Sarah, which is not something that has to be mentioned in the beginning of the story. As long as you *eventually* mention it, it will be all okay.

@ Call of Dragons (ch.8 and 9)

-in the beginning of the chapter, Dennis seems to suddenly become "the perfect man" again for a short while, even when Vincent was present... OOC a little bit. It'll be better if his kindness lasted only after Vincent left the room already.

-yay it's the infamous love triangle, mother of all romance fanfic! ^^

-Nina: (*cough* ok ok we all know who you want already, no need to make yourself so sickenly obvious XD)
(that was rather a comment, and is nothing negative)

-Dennis's feelings regarding the dragons can be smoothed out slightly, but that's rather minor

-Dennis's party's acquaintance with the mysterious man is rather awkward... why would Nina and Vincent stand still to watch Dennis getting beaten up (in a way)? Also, Dennis's punch against the man is unexplained. Even for a person like Dennis, you still need some reasonings to why something like that happened...

-the scene with the "goddess" can be even darker but then only experience can fix that. Also, the "goddess" seems to be rather "quite mortal" with the way how she keeps saying "it's the first time I feel <such and such> about a mortal." Those corny mortal-only lines are not so fitting for a "goddess."
 
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