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*brings the lounge off topic immediately* Ok... Lily and MCD.. the two of you got engaged and nobody informed me? O.o;; Some brother you treat me as, Lily >>; *upset* Haven't been here so long now... so much to catch up >>; Rifts in Time, Reflection and all these new fanfics... so busy too... *panics* I'll find time to catch up with what's happening in fanfic lately soo enough though.

And what's better but a terribly terrifying review in a terribly ticked off mood because of a special engagement yet no one informed me... *thunders in background*



@ Obsidian Dream

-excellent title! Great usage of symbolism, and foreshadowing about the entire story's basic plot, and where the story is about to head to... great usage of diction. *nods*

-the guidelines and prologue-like message is more of a killjoy and a lights up... >>; Best if that didnt' exist at all. Let the readers find out themselves.

-watch those commas and periods... your most fatal grammatical mistake. Also there are many evidents that this fanfic is not checked with spellcheck *everyone gasps,* and that's just not something you should do... always use spellcheck to check for those "teh"s

-gotta love a professor who isn't that stereotypical friendly old hag who does nothing but gives out starter Pokemon... rebellious main characters for a rebellious fanfic that's acting against the nature of "professors"

-the usage of the quote is unique (personally, I don't have anything against it,) but still remember to do paragraphs within flashbacks too... that part was a little hard to read. Try the "one new paragraph for every new speaker" rule to help with the readability.

-I... seriously got majorly confused by this... the part where Oak and Leon talk of "cliche" and Team Rocket's plan... if Leon took parts in putting a halt in TR's plan in the past, then certainly Leon will also know about what Oak means by "cliche." Or perhaps Leon is asking what is the defintion of a cliche, but then he used that word himself earlier... so this one is... result of careless planning, or lack of reading over your own work?

-now seeing the ch.4 title, I certainly think that if the chapter title doesn't pack much significant importance to the story (or if it doesn't do anything special, such as foreshadowing, symbolism and so on), then I recommand you to just wipe out the chapter titles... "jumping the gun" doesn't really describe ch.3 that well at all except for physically, having a gun involved. Long titles are always annoying (ch.4)...

-how did Kelsey let Leon+Oak escape like that is completely a mystery, almost to the point of a plot flaw... unless the description about Kelsey's intelligence and how she's cunning is a complete lie (which means that the narrator is just useless... 3rd person narrator is always neutral and should always be correct at all details.)

-"Moltres rampage" isn't corny (as no ideas can ever be corny,) but when it's mentioned in this context, it's terribly corny and just makes the readers go "err..." A good way to fix these kind of things is to give them an official professional "cool" looking label/name for the event, such as "The Moltres Rampage" instead of a "Moltres rampage." Just make something sound official, and the corny rating will really drop... keep that in mind. But once you started something official, be sure to back it up eventually with great explanations and details, because anything official is also immediately important, and your readers will demand any details they can get their eyes on when official looking matter is the business at hand.

-how did Pro.Oak get tied up, while Leon "is free" sounds like another almost plot flaw error... they did escape together, didn't they? So, that's very awkward again...

-the title started off great in terms of diction, but then really all sense of diction kinda died off eventually... quite a shame really.

Grammar Basics: 6/10
Plot/Character Basics: 13/20
Tone/Diction: 13/20
Writing Skills: 13/20
Effort/Originality: 24/30
Lit. Device bonus: +5 (the excellent title, for reasons listed already)

Total: 74 (already, in a good range for a Frosty review)


@ Valentine's Day

<no review available, because I beta-read it already>

Total: OMIT


@ Pokemon Academy

-title is a bit cliched, as I'm pretty sure that I've seen 2 other fanfic with this title already (one of them being a fanfic on how to write a fanfic and it was really neat... the other is a schoolfic just like this one)

-font size should be the regular boring yet highly readable size 2 font... small font size does decrease your reader's interest in reading. Why read something that's red, and hard to read? o.o;

-ok I'm never thrilled about "inactive descriptions" myself... It's nice that we see how the characters look like physically, but I hate how I get descriptions just thrown at me, without the characters (or anyone) doing anything.

-as mentioned by the others already, there's a great deal of transition problem. Your 4th paragraph demonstrates this property. I tripled read that paragraph, and can hardly find conjunctions or transitional phrase to link things from one to another.

-"I saw this door is open so I decided to come and visit." Corny alert?

-the "(even the reader)" aside was rather weak and make the story worst than before... save asides for script-fics and dramas. Fictional narrative and asides do not match.

-"... to let me come here!" Notice the exclaimation... this is a terrible diction as it changes the tone of the sentence to suddenly add a bit of excitement into the sentence. So, what's so exciting about talking about something that's upsetting to talk about? (as, the aside-attempt and the sigh tell me that this is supposed to be a painful memory). Gotta be careful about diction like this, as that tiny exclaimation mark just made Josh either completely insane due to some catastrophe, or a moron without a brain.

-let's just call character description "non-existant" for this fanfic... physical description? yes... anything else? no... or it's as good as a no, as it contradicts itself anyway. Any implicit description then? Um... everyone is monotone and everyone has the "Everyone is nice in the exact same way, just like the Pokemon Jhoto season anime" syndrome?

-grimer is attacking because...? (lack of transition, not that wild Pokemon attacking trainers is corny but the way it's described here...)


Grammar Basics: 7/10
Plot/Character Basics: 10/20
Tone/Diction: 8/20 <= needs heavy work
Writing Skills: 7/20 <= focus on transitions
Effort/Originality: 22/30
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (aside-attempt)

Total: 56

(harsh isn't it? Well, guess what, the minute you started reading a Frosty fanfic review... "Welcome to HE11")
 
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Erm... surprise!!! XD Anyways - welcome back for however long you're going to be back for, frosty. Better inform Lily of the news... *runs off to tell Lily* Is this arrangement going to be permanent, or is it just a flying visit?
 
Oh... if I was actually on MSN the last few nights, Lily could have told me or something I guess... ^^; But then yesterday was away at 22sa's birthday party, and the day before I was just busy. Today too... with homework and stuff >>; So I'm afraid that this will be yet *another* night without MSN chat with all of you ;_; So yes tell Lily for me I suppose?

And most likely, I should be here for a while if things keep up like this, and if "stuff" don't come looking for me.


@ Quest of the Calibra Princess

-first fanfic I understand, but that doesn't stop Frosty from being equally mean and nasty

-1st paragraph is um... a big list of lacking transition? Try to link ideas to one another with transitional phrases and words. Also, I personally find it much better if you add in some "actions" (the actions don't have to be gigantic like war or whatever, but even a simple verb that isn't "is" or "has" or "wear" is good enough, such as Eevee skipping around her or something) along with your physical character descriptions. It's always boring to read an endless list of description.

-Now needless repetition of sentence structure can also be boring... the 1st paragraph contains a lot of "she is ______" or "her Eevee is ________." Try to use different sentence structure to make things less repetitive.

-watch for grammar, but I don't find this to be a major problem yet

-length... recommanded that a long epic-like fanfic should have around 1000 words for the first chapter (prologues can be much shorter though.) It's really a bummer when your reader just started to pick up the story in his or her reading mood, and the chapter ends already.

-what's with the switch in tenses suddenly...? Be careful about tenses... (yes it's annoying as I always slip on this one myself)

-now you can always describe mysterious figures... there are many ways to describe a person without giving out their identity.

-try to have a new paragraph every time there's a new speaker, to help with readability.

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Plot/Character Basics: OMIT/20 (too short to tell)
Tone/Diction: OMIT/20 (again, too short to tell)
Writing Skills: 7/20 <= focus on transitions, and usage of different sentence structures
Effort/Originality: 23/30
Lit. Device bonus: -2 (heavy length problem)

Total: 36/60, => 60/100
 
frostweaver... umm, you haven't done one of these for The Quest for the Legends, have you?
 
Dragonfree said:
frostweaver... umm, you haven't done one of these for The Quest for the Legends, have you?
Click to expand...
No I haven't... but... It does take a lot of time to catch up on such a long story that's over 2 pages. >>; and don't forget the 2nd-reading too... so give me some time.

*goes back to work on his projects*
 
@ The Quest for the Legends (prologue up to ch.1)

-first of all, I'm pretty sure that I can transfer the title onto another fanfic, and no one will realize that I screwed around with the titles... this proves that this is either too cliched, or is too generic... try to define your titles a bit more to be more precise for *your* fanfic and *only*

-slightly confusing regarding what's happening in the prologue, if the legendaries are dead or not... not to mention, there are more than 14 legendaries (assuming how Mew/Mewtwo are alive and 12 other legendaries are dead,) which is the most confusing thing of all. There are the 3 Regis, 3 birds, 3 beasts, Mew/Mewtwo, Celebi/Jirachi, Ho-oh/lugia, Latios/Latias, and Deoxys, which totals to a huge number, more than 14... There are 18 in total, and even if you cut out Mewtwo/Deoxys from the legendary list (as they're rather "man-made" if you like to call it that way), the number just doesn't work out...

-now for the Extra, I can certainly find ways to insert in these "extra info" somewhere... the picture if the only thing that I can't fit in, really.

-some of the "extras" don't need to exist at all... the color thing is really common sense and is expected to be found on fanfics anyway (I always have an internet tab open that defines all colors to help me read fanfics myself).

-in my humble opinion, the extra revealed too much already... (therefore, the foreshadow failed, as it's overdone)

-now didn't the narrator just say that NW-Ouen got no Pokemon, and that the adults aren't into Pokemon at all (having "real jobs" instead)? If so... how come the school got Pokemon lessons? Kinda strange... Perhaps I missed a paragraph or something, but the whole thing about NW-Ouen and no-Pokemon thing is confusing me...

-excellent usage of tone for Mark! An obvious sign that implicit character description is at work.

-fanfic is highly readable, as grammar mistakes do not exist at all. Paragraphing is also done very nicely, and best of all, there's actually more writers who uses "cut-lines" to divide their fanfic into sections, so hurray!


Grammar Basics: 10/10 (there is like... 1?)
Plot/Character Basics: 17/20 (brilliant job on Mark)
Tone/Diction: 17/20 (again, Mark's tone)
Writing Skills: 14/20 (it's the extra... =/ )
Effort/Originality: 25/30
Lit. Device bonus: -3 (failed foreshadowing that resulted in reverse effects)

Total: 80
 
Some sister you treat me as not informing me that YOU CAME BACK. *glomps and clings* Now never go or else all these fics will die by the lack of Frosty's review. And yes, I got engaged to the other reviewer, sorry if I didn't tell you BUT you *weren't* online yesterday OR the day before. ;_; Ah well, at least you're back! ^_^

And make sure to review my ficcy...that'll be all...:P
 
Yep, the title. Horribleness of doom, isn't it? I started writing this fic sometime in 2001, with that out-of-the-blue title (at the time) and I'm physically incapable of changing things like titles, even though the story itself has been majorly changed throughout these seven revisions. I don't know why, I just can't seem to be able to just make a proper title and stick it on instead. I'm too used to this one.

Ah, I see the number of Legendaries confused you, but actually, the other dead Legendaries are not the ones we know. They don't matter either; the only ones that matter are Mew, Mewtwo and Chalenor. You saw the 999 years later at the start of chapter one, right? The twelve Legendaries from the prologue died there, and therefore I hoped the reader would assume that they had to be other Legendaries than the ones we know a thousand years later, but I see now that it is confusing... ah, well, the eighth revision fixes that. ;) You forgot Groudon, Kyogre and Rayquaza from the list of current Legendaries, by the way.

You don't know that either, but the information of Extra I could not have been told through the story itself, simply because nobody knows it. Mark doesn't know it, and nobody who could tell him knows. Besides that the extras contain only information that is not essential for the reader to understand the story (that's why they're called Extras), so it would be a pointless part if it actually were in there. It's just fun knowledge that could give some plot hints (I assure you that nobody would pick up Chalenor's green as anything relevant if I didn't point out that the colors change depending on his mood). Come to think of it, though, I could leave all the stuff about his powers out, because that *is* going to be implemented into the fic. Ah, well, next revision. No, screw that. I'll just change it now. You're right, it is wrecking the foreshadowing. *edits*

The schools have Pok?mon lessons because all schools in the Pok?mon world have Pok?mon lessons, North-West Ouen or not. It's technically all the same country, and they have the same educational laws, which include that all children must learn x, y and z about Pok?mon, whether the parents like it or not. Besides that most of the kids do go on a Pok?mon journey, as mentioned in chapter one.

Thanks for the review! ^_^ I love reviews. Best of all, you said things nobody's told me before. Are you going to review the rest too?
 
Yes I will... just not today >>; enough fanfics for today. Gotta work on other stuff and to chat with Lily too ^^

Now the legendaries... it's hard to assume that it's original legendaries when Mew/Mewtwo got associated with them. Plus, another plotflaw that I just found that seemed rather VERY crucial (would have resulted in plot mark going down by 1 or something XD but I'll just say that you lucked out). Now if Ash Ketchum got mentioned as a living being 999 years after that event, and Mewtwo's created during Ash Ketchum's time, then how did Mewtwo appear all those years ago...? Better way to fix this is not to mention the 999 years thing (for no one is suppose to know that, right?), and save that fact until much later. It saves the trouble, saves the confusing things for your readers regarding time contradiction (even if the story is meant to turn out this way, such as Mewtwo went back in time via time travel or whatever).

Tomorrow, I'll see... Certainly first on priority list is Lily's newest fanfic *cheers*, and another chapter of it... I'll see if I can do 2.
 
I guess I shouldn't say anything more than that the Mewtwo being there before his own creation thing matters... (probably too much said already)

Being exactly 999 years later matters too, though, so I can't take that out. I've thought of a way to solve the number of Legendaries in the prologue, though...
 
Dragonfree said:
I guess I shouldn't say anything more than that the Mewtwo being there before his own creation thing matters... (probably too much said already)

Being exactly 999 years later matters too, though, so I can't take that out. I've thought of a way to solve the number of Legendaries in the prologue, though...
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Well of course... any number that's not a multiple of 10 matters XD but what I'm saying is that you should delay that fact until later, at a more suitable time. Right now, the number is useless and unimportant, so why not delay its appearance until it's useful?

And of course, a good way to escape that Mewtwo thing is just to give even lesser known details about it ;p More mysterious the better. It's hard to be criticized, and it increases the mystery rating XD
 
Well, that's kinda the only place where the main story really "connects" to the time of the prologue. There is one other place where it's explained better and there could be an opportunity to do it, but I just like having that 999 there for some reason.
 
@ Reflections

-Yay lookie! It's a Lily production la~ *biased point + 100* XD

-good usage of rhetorical question to begin the story, with good follow-up of juxtaposition for the contrast between two characters

-maroon... excellent diction! Another out of the many cases where Lily has, once again, chose a word so precise in its definition.

-um... on the other hand, beige is acting against the atmosphere >>; It somewhat works I guess, but it's kind of stretching the definition, being too implicit even for an implicit idea behind that color.

-once again, watch for those confusing stupid tenses... especially past tense used in the same sentence as "now." It confuses me too, but I don't think the word "now" and a past tense can really co-exist without calling it a grammar flaw.

-some incomplete/run-on sentences here and there occassionally...

-ooh... "virtuous"... foreshadow... ooo...

-how come suddenly Hannah grew interested? You got this stacked up boredom and annoyance within Hannah, and now suddenly she's interested in Ash? Even if that sentence is acting like a satire, it acts against Hannah's tone...

-now I also read the (unfortunately only) two comments, and I personally don't regard any of Ash's lines being "awkward." Truthful to say that they're meant to be awkward on purpose, and awkward/grammatically incorrect lines within a conversation is certainly acceptable. It contributes to part of Ash's tone, and part of Ash's diction. In fact really, a lot of Ash's actions are quite strange to begin with, so I have no problem to see that Ash reacts equally awkward. In fact, it's quite nice to see that Ash is so consistent throughout the oneshot.

-with the most problematic error of the entire fanfic being grammar (which is usually others' strong points), this short story is simple in plot, yet highly complicated at a deeper level. I was rather surprised when someone said that this story was simple... I had to reread it too many times to figure out the significance of all those motifs (there are like, 5 of them? Took me an insane amount of time to find all 5's significance). Great usage of various writing techniques, ranging from juxtaposition, rhetorical questions, motifs and repetitions, tone, symbolism, and foreshadowing as implicit means to enhance the story. Setting and plot are not the most original, yet the unique and new writing style has bought this common plot idea into a new light.

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characters: 19/20 (plot omitted, as it's unimportant and irrelevant for this fanfic)
Tone/Diction: 18/20
Writing Skills: 18/20
Effort/Originality: 25/30
Lit. Device bonus: +7 (juxtaposition, rhetorical questions, motifs and repetitions, tone, symbolism, and foreshadowing, one +1 for each... hmm I wonder if people even know what do some of these devices mean?)

PS: Really the Lit. Device bonus will be more if I am to find all of this in another writer's fanfic but if I give anymore, it'll be over 100% >>;; I've never found that many lit.device in action in a fanfic before.

Total: 95

Definitely a fanfic of the week material... would be a shame if it didn't make it.
 
SBaby here! Many of you have been keeping up with my Fic, Neo Destiny. I just wanted to update you . Chapter 21 is now complete, and Ash is finally up to the first true battle with Asmodia. For those of you who haven't read it yet, give it a go! Those of you who have kept up with it, check back often.

Once ND is finished, don't miss my next FanFic, Origin of the New Elite, detailing how Chezni and the other Elites got to the Pokemon World. The story is insane!!
 
@ The Quest for the Legends (Extra 2, chapter 2)

-now this extra 2 I don't mind too much... because it's really explaining game basics (IV, EV and etc). This one I don't mind as it doesn't affect the plot at all and is truly some basic background information.

-hmm... personally I'm still not all that convinced regarding why Mark's mother will change so rapidly, to the point of "all for it."

-a bit of run-on sentences here and there... watch out for that

-the people in the elevator... kinda weird, but I'll keep them in mind in case of them being important (which is hopefully what I'll be seeing soon). Also a bit awkward regarding why Mark suddenly feel the urge to go to floor 3 instead... hmm.

-hmm I'm personally not too thrilled or excited about how the book lists out all those legendaries in this manner, but that maybe just me...

-now diction continues to be quite problematic here... I'm very sure that a book can do better than "it blows up." Narratives in books have that neutral stance, and that informative yet "inorganic" tone to them. It's like reading a newspaper when you're reading books like that. It will not use such terminologies that are almost classified as slangs. And then, some of the diction just sounded awkward too...

-not too much to comment on overall, as this is mostly more background information about the legendaries, and not about the mainstream plot. Focusing on background information, there aren't that much to say really... not like you can use much lit.device either in such circumstances. The only real thing to comment on is the plot outline regarding the legendaries, and rating such a thing is rather difficult to do without being biased regarding personal tastes and favorites =/

-tone within a conversation is very well done, but tone/diction also exists within the narratives, which is an area you should try to work on


Grammar Basics: 8/10
Plot Basics: 8/10 (character is omitted because this chapter is a background info chapter, and it won't be fair to judge characters this time)
Tone/Diction: 15/20
Writing Skills: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 26/30
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (somewhat allusions here and there about the legendaries...)

Total: 75/90, => 83


@ Whisper of Death

-by default, grammar mistakes as always... but I know that English isn't your 1st language, nor is it your best... I understand (but the "review mark" will still reflect the poor grammar... just for fairness's sake to the other writers)

-showdown...? I think you mean shadows... I think...

-now regarding the term "Pokemon," I disagree with MCD here. Since pokemon/Pokemon is an invented word, no one but Satoshi himself can say that Pokemon is to be a proper noun, or just a normal noun. I personally treat it as a normal noun, like how the word "animal" is treated. So I have no problem wiht that myself. But the species of Pokemon, yes they have to be capitalized.

-as mentioned, the suicide-threat section should be stressed upon, as it is possibly one of your many climaxes, and should last a little longer...

-ack... lacking in time to re-read again to work out some confusions that I have with the plot... I'll drop the "marks" later tonight...

-ok resume in fanfic... *has to re-read this over and over and over again*

-now part of the reason for the confusions are that you started many possible important hints here and there, yet I can never pick up the finishing lines... For example, the hypno scene with the 2 doctors suggest that Erick seems to be blind (however, it's rather questionable if he lost his physical sight, his mind's eye, or both... story actually didn't reveal enough for me to tell. The next section suggests the mind's eyes, while the fact about seeing shapes suggests the physical eye that's being lost... so I don't know there.) The doctors complain that he didn't lost "much," while the others lost some "more crucial abilities." Erick is described as selfish and rather disagreeable according to the doctors, so I'm left wondering why... and so on. But then, the story really never picks up on this question again. The thing about Erick's selfishness disappeared.

-"the birds" are clear symbolisms of something but once again as the way it appears in the sentence, it clearly plays some important role for Erick, and is responsible for the calling of the silence, and coming for the Pokemon. I failed to see what it is... o.o; anyone want to clarify for me?

-sorry but I couldn't tell who the shadowy figure is... afterall, there's plenty of things from history/myth/religion/truth (whichever term appeals to your and your religious beliefs the most) out there that takes this role... so nothing for certain... I personally interpret as Death itself, but this ending is so flexible that it's probably wrong... (if this story even has an ending)

-Overall, a terribly confusing fanfic to understand... and really I still don't understand it that well. There are many good qualities that got started, but sadly they are never picked up again. I personally believe that some of these errors are products of improper grammar, and for that one the only way to fix it is to keep writing and keep listening to fixes. Even though the story is hard to understand, I can still see that you're trying very hard to meet up with all these advanced requirements in my standards, such as seeing many MANY attempts at literature devices throughout the entire fanfic. Character and plot are equally confusing, but I can still pick out where it's heading though. Though it's probably the most confusing fanfic within PC that's beyond understanding, I actually rather appreciate the bravery to try to write a heavy angst-thematic fanfiction, unlike the good old ordinary "for entertaining purposes only" fanfic that got nothing but plot and characters. Keep trying, Blue!

(note: marks and ratings are re-adjusted in order to suit the genre and style for this specific work that's different from most other standard adventure fanfics)

Grammar Basics: 5/10
Character/Plot Basics: 7/10
Tone/Diction: 15/25
Writing Skills: 15/25
Effort/Originality: 31/30 (effort bonus +1)
Lit. Device bonus: +4 (repetition, motif, symbolism attempt, flashback, narrative changes)

Total: 77
 
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Chapter two is probably my worst, unless it's chapter four. They're both just there to give necessary background information, and while chapter two has probably more interesting information, it comes from a book and there's one heck of a lot more of it... well, at least it's not like the original, which listed their moves, stats and types, and then had Mark saying "Hmm, interesting" or something like that after each one. x_X And it's still a book, which I can't find a way to get rid of without losing out a lot of details. I'll try to improve the "book-ness" of it...
 
No reviews today... nothing really caught my attention. So I used the time and whipped out a quick guide to Prologue Writing, within the "Basic Pokemon Fanfiction Writing Guide." Check it out for all those new fanfic writers, and if you have the spare time to do so.
 
@ Quest of the Calibra Princess (ch.3)

-paragraphing... it's really hard to read right now. Insert a blank line when you're starting a new paragraph.

-this entire chapter is pretty much conversation spam, and that's just not good... it's very repetitive, and it's not very interesting to reach so much dialogues when it's not necessary. Try to cut something out, and add more descriptions to characters/settings.

-the way how Miss Kara reveals all these things... just rather not that interesting

-an awfully calm response about such a crushing fact... character emotion section should be worked on a lot more

-for a turning point of a story, this seems to suffer quite a bit of length problems...

-Overall, just a lot of work is needed in every area possible O.o;

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Plot/Character Basics: 9/20 <= "characters? what?"
Tone/Diction: 7/20 <= close to not in existence... >>;
Writing Skills: 8/20 <= focus on DESCRIPTIONS, and no need to SPAM dialogues
Effort/Originality: 23/30
Lit. Device bonus: -2 (heavy length problem, again)

Total: 54
 
@ Quest of the Legends (ch. 3, extra 3)

-when Charmander is explaining his past... that part can be made longer, or more tone-emphasized...

-Eevee again... -_-; These things are absolutely everywhere. But it's alright... just wanted to rant a little about it.

-the Agreement extra was a bit odd... I personally didn't like it too much as it puts a COMPLETEL halt to the story, but whatever

-for the extra 3, you probably should have stayed away from using "I" back there... really strange and annoying to see that

-(don't know how to give marks for this one... relatively short, not that much happening and etc)
 
@ Raven, Mechyena Saga

-everyone just have to love the beginning... angsty, interesting and it's an excellent use of shifting back and forth with the narrative. Conveys some great character trait too.

-err... I believe you need "had been hiding" instead of "hidden" there... so a little grammar error but meh... there's also some other grammar errors in terms of possessive pronouns went missing XD; But no big deal, as it didn't affect readability at all

-"every enemy has attacks" got some awkward diction there... O.o; also it clashes a bit with the tone and style of the previous mental notes

-harsh white lights... excellent diction along with foreshadowing

-doesn't the accent for Pokemon go "?" instead? lol... but no matter

-if you used mum to start off, then keep it as mum and don't go back to "mother." Mother is so much colder in comparison to mum/mom. So it's a contradiction in terms of your tone... "father" was done nicely though. It shows the terrible relationship.

-the forest-city comparison was rather awkwardly worded...

-now another diction-contradiction... "this is the start of my life" should have been done in italics, like the lines back at the beginning of the story. Generally, the ending isn't as good as the beginning, as mostly diction contradictions leap around here and there. In comparison, the sentence structure isn't as beautiful as the beginning too.

-Now I actually liked the italic part (save for that one line, which I mentioned already.) So what if it's "corny?" These "corny beliefs" are part of the character, enforced on to her by her father. It's not the writer's fault if the characters got corny beliefs. So in my opinion, don't worry about it.

-spell checker cannot do everything... they pick out some very basic stuff. They do pick out spelling mistakes like "teh" and so on, but they can't pick out misuse of words. All it checks for is "hmm... does this sentence have a verb? Does it have a noun? Does the preposition fit? Does the verb agree with the noun?" That's all it does. Also, MSWord has a strong hatred for passive voice for some reason too...

-I'll do ch.2 another day... it's midnight already ^^;

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Plot/Character Basics: 19/20
Tone/Diction: 15/20
Writing Skills: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 25/30
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (foreshadow)

Total: 84

(And now, it is proven that this fanfic is indeed and certainly worthy of Fanfic of the Week... as all FotW work always scores a minimum of 80 or above on Frosty's marking scale.)

EDIT: Oh whatever let's do chapter 2 as well ^^

(ch.2)

-now I don't like it too... just like you. It's not as good as the first chapter. The mud and the bog are all "filler-plot." Yes they're interesting and they contribute to the plot, but in the long run, this event is rather unimportant and irrelevant. Raven's father is mentioned here, but it was rather extremely weak.

In Frosty's humble opinion, this scene was an excellent opportunity to reinforce what chapter 1 has started: Raven and her father. You could have reinforced the part about how Raven was reminded of her father when she was drowning in the bog. When she felt defeated (or weak, whatever), you can add in direct quotes from chapter 1 about how Raven's incompetent to her father's eyes (feel free to add in more lines for Raven's father in chapter 1 if necessary.) Let those stuff remind her how she cannot be looked down upon like that forever (similar to what you've done later in the chapter, when she just woke up after going out cold), giving her strength to get out of the bog and so on... The upside to this is that it adds motifs and symbolism at the same time (mud/bog = father, and father's quotes now being motifs). The downside is that this is adding more angst...

-now Raven's memory of her mom... (same thing like last time, diction of mom vs mother.) This part can also be abused to show the weaker, softer side of Raven.

-"that's it" means "that is it." You need "that was it" though. This means a tense problem. Watch out for these kind of things which MSWord cannot pick out.

-I thought that Raven defeating her father would be much lengthier than this... It was such a controversial and important scene too... ._.; Oh well. A *lot* can be done there... right now it isn't bad, but I'm just saying how that scene got huge potential to make the story even better. Another possibility is to just cut off this chapter at Raven's realization that one of those hunters is her father, for a cliffhanger effect.

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Plot/Character Basics: 16/20
Tone/Diction: 15/20
Writing Skills: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 25/30
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (flashback)

Total: 80


EDIT #2: Still too tired and depressed to sleep... let's just keep reading.


@ Pocket Monsters Chronicles

-an overused title... is never the best thing. However, seems like the title is not something that can be changed due to its sentimental value... ok let's move on then. This is THE reason why this fanfic failed at fanfiction.net. Fanfiction.net requires an extremely creative title, along with an excellent 3 line summary. (that's why forums beat fanfiction.net in this category, but fanfiction.net got the best readability due to the way it's setup in comparison to a forum.)

-not a criticism, but a comment: I never believe in promises about "this is no ordinary OT fanfic people, so please keep reading." A fanfic can start OT yet remain interesting, because the writing style will show by itself. If you're really good at your writing, you don't need crummy sayings like that, and your readers will automatically be hooked.

-lol... I'm not afraid to review. I'm just afraid that you may die because of my reviews XD

-now I prefer those cultural notes placed at the end of an act. Even though that may not sound logical at first, it does prevent the spoilers that's given due to the cultural notes. Before I even read, I already know part of what's to come, and can probably guess the setting accurately. Personally, I prefer the cultural notes to come after, at the end of an act.

-just a quick note: "chapters" do not exist for a scripts. It's an "act." (a "FYI") haha... someone who challenges the extreme difficulty of a scriptfic... this I must see.

-scripts do not require " " punctuation, for everything is expected to be dialogues anyway.

-the narrator speaks, and a narration cannot.

-the "character info spam" wasn't that nice... I didn't really like it. The tone didn't fit too well with the opening lines of "o pass the time, I've decided to chronicle my recent events, all the interesting things that have occured with me lately." Those lines build up angst, and readers suddenly expect something serious coming, and then we suddenly get blood types and year of the setting?

-YES! Finally someone who knows the proper way on how to write settings in a scriptfic! *pat*

-in a script format fanfic, the name of the speakers have to remain consistent. You started off with "narration," and you can't change "narration" to "Hiro (narration)" suddenly like that...

-Hiro is talking about his past, so it should read "but that class WAS..." There are other similiar mistakes too.

-hehe... the only time and place where character description can be spammed like that... well done on Chris and Hiro's sisters. However, I wasn't exactly too happy to see that only Chris and Sakura really made an appearance in this act. Perhaps you can save the descriptions about the other sisters when they make an appearance in future acts.

-*reads the poll* well I'm not a SPP member so can't vote there... but I personally don't mind the manga/anime qualities in this fanfic. It adds to the originality, and it contributes to your own person writing style as well.

-Great amount of effort is shown through the realistic descriptions of life in Japan, along with accurate and detailed background information provided. Format is interesting, and writing style is rather original. Though slightly lacking in terms of plot while the speed of the act was rather slow, this is a good act nevertheless, and is a good start for what seems to be a promising scriptfic.

-notice: marking system changed due to the fact that this is a script-fic. Also, marks are given out a bit easier in comparison to the narrative-fanfics, because you can't possibly earn lit.device bonus in a scriptfic.


Grammar Basics: 9/10
Plot/Character Basics: 8/10, omit/10 (plot omitted for this act)
Tone: 12/15
Stage Directions: 8/10
Camera Setting: 4/5
Writing Skills: 17/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20

Total: 76/90, => 84/100
 
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