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Fanfiction Lounge

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I started posting my fic here and just wanted to announce it to see if anyone will read it. It's called Pokemon Grand Adventure! :chinese:
 
Sorry for not doing any fanfic reviews, but I'm just so busy lately...

@ Guilty by Design

-lovely usage of sentence structure! Everyone just have to love that "five years prior..." But I personally will like it more if there's a cutoff line right after that line.

-and everyone has to love anime-based fanfics too that aren't actually based on Satoshi ^^ Have to love these one-episode-appearance-characters getting their own fanfic.

-not really a mistake, but just want to comment on the fact that "thirty something" is just something we say, but not something we write. We write "around the age of thirty."

-slight grammatical errors... almost all of them are problems involving run-on sentences (like "Rebecca was seated at the table with the pink egg was set snugly in a bed of towels in the center." )

-hmm the part that briefly mentions the mother's death within the family sounds a bit awkward to me somehow... could be expanded a little? Talking about Rick being suicidal is rather unsupported by the rest of the fanfic...

-hmm... we see well made characters as well ^^ I don't think that this is lacking character description... just because they aren't the most explicit at times.

-A very entertaining story, as every thing is original, underused ranging from the Pokemon selection (YES NO MORE EEVEES!) to character choice. The story is catchy, with a highly original plot that follows some small detailed traits from the Pokemon anime. Obviously, the true work of a real observant Pokemon veteran.

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Plot/Character Basics: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Diction: 16/20
Writing Skills: 17/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (flashback + antecedent action, foreshadow)

Total: 88


@ Pokemon Grand Adventure

-no rates available, due to the fact that it violates ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE fanfic "no no"s out there, such as anime style battling, vague title, traditional uninteresting OT beginnings, dialogue spam and missing descriptions... let's fix up these basic elements of a fanfic first, then rate.

-by reading other fanfics, learn from the more experienced writers and see what makes their fanfic so popular and entertaining. Most of the time, it's NOT the plot that makes the difference in the long run (though for the first few chapters, yet it is). It's about their writing style...

-read the sticky articules about some basics to fanfic writing


@ The Crazy River

-the first sentence doesn't even make sense... try to use MSWord to check for mistakes like that.

-character description spam is just not good... don't do that. If you want to include character description, incorporate it within your fanfic along with some little actions, not to just throw out a bunch of description (especially if they're physical descriptions).

-humour is certainly the point of the fanfic, but even humour needs a little bit of common sense... like why's Gold there in the first place? Length can fix these issues. Add on descriptions! Humour can make do without much emotions or character descriptions, but you still need descriptions about something...

-the rating changes due to the change in genre...

Grammar Basics: 6/10
Plot Basics: 10/20
Coherence/Readability: 7/10
Humour: 10/20
Writing Skills: 12/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 61
 
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frostweaver said:
-slight grammatical errors... almost all of them are problems involving run-on sentences (like "Rebecca was seated at the table with the pink egg was set snugly in a bed of towels in the center." )
Click to expand...

Whoa... not only was that a run on, it was COMPLETELY BUTCHERED! Thanks, that one must've slipped past me. I'll edit that sometime and post the next chapter. Thank you for the review.
 
@ Irony

-hmm... sounds *so* familiar... O.o; Perhaps I read the older version on ffnet before or something?

-I don't think that you can say "live on a forest" unless you're building a city on top of a forest or something... perhaps "leeches off the forest" is what you mean?

-occasional short phrases that are missing a verb here and there... but that's no big issue, and rather minor of a thing

-could have saved the word "irony" at the end... the more you use such an important word for this oneshot, the less powerful it becomes. Important ideas come at the end, so you should delay the concept of "irony" to the end.

-too many paragraphs... a new paragraph starts when there's a new speaker in a conversation, or when there's a change in what is being talked about/explored. Really, a few of the paragraphs can be combined as one, such as Absol's escape scene...

-The 2 scenes of Absol barging out of Fortree's gym, and how he's captured by a "kid" when a few moments ago there are people behind him with guns (perhaps you can say that the kid's parents got guns or something but... that's kind of stretching it) ... These scenes are rather weird and a bit hard to understand...

-I don't see anything else being a "mistake" but this doesn't mean that it's a 80+ production. Some things could really use some expansion (mostly Absol's lament over his lost family, and various disgusts/insults at human beings in all). The theme is clearly pointing the spear head at the disgust of humanity, but the lack of support from the story really weakens the theme. Mentioning those "good trainers" also weaken the theme... Tone and diction are rather generic, not really contributing much (but not really taking away anything either.) But you can't really do much about this except for writing more and reading more...

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Plot/Character Basics: 14/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Diction: 14/20
Writing Skills: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (flashback + antecedent action)

Total: 76
 
frostweaver said:
-I don't think that you can say "live on a forest" unless you're building a city on top of a forest or something...
Click to expand...
Well, that's exactly what Fortree City is, isn't it? :P

Yeah, you might have read the old version at FanFiction.Net. Or the "retelling" I wrote a bit later, which was extremely short and was the Absol (who's a she, by the way, as mentioned in the story) thinking about it later.

The basic idea behind the whole thing was kind of confusing, but it was pretty much that first, one group of people went out and started shooting and killing the Absol. Then later, another group went off to try to *catch* the surviving ones. When they did find her, they found out that she was injured and trying to fight them, so they shot her with a tranquilizer, caught her in a Pok?ball and brought her to a Pok?mon Center, where she was healed. Then she was put into her Pok?ball again, and sold, ultimately ending up with that kid, who first used her battling versus Winona in the Fortree Gym. Yeah, I know, there was no way to get half of that from the story itself. ^^;

The theme in itself wasn't the disgust of humanity. The most important parts were when she injured the boy but didn't really think about it (while she had been saying earlier that humans were filthy for "firing their death staffs in the direction of innocent Absol kittens that stare, terrified, at their father?s dead body") and then when it ended and she had some backthoughts about that maybe there was some sense in that superstition but shrugged it off with "that's too ironic to be true". Then there was also how she was all "humans are the hellspawn" until she was being treated at a Pok?mon Center, which was when she remembered the stories about how there were also 'good humans'.
 
blah... thought it said the mother was killed >>; sorry about the he/she mixup

Yes I do understand that the 2nd group uses "tranquilizer" but still... going from "Green Team" to "Kid Trainer" is very confusing. I never caught *anything* about being sold... O.o; or even, passing "mysterious objects" from one to another (which would be gold/cash/whatever valuables but even that never happened.) So what's why it's confusing... it's missing the selling scene.

Hmm... I disagree with that interpretation. First of all, Absol talks of the people hunting down Absols (aka "humans are the bad guys folks, and you better believe me.") No doubt about that part, and then those "Green Team" comes in and saves her by sending her off to a Pokemon center. If it is only that, then your statement will be true about how not all humans are bad, and that Absol is acting on prejudice and biased opinions.

However, we see that "somehow" Absol ended up into the hands of a trainer without any form of consent or agreement from Absol, be it a battle, or Absol agreeing to be the trainer's Pokemon. That is suppression of freedom, which is a key element of what Absol believes in. I personally interpret the attack against her trainer to be a method for her to fight for her own freedom, to get rid of any form of interaction with the humans (which is also supported from the story in the beginning, when she decides to run and move out of the forest instead of revenge and fight for life/honor.) To me, the attack is justified, and of course that's what the humans will be getting for what they've laid down in the past XD

Hmm... but then there is the line "Intentional? Definitely not" which I can't explain... Alright... I'll readjust the marks a little. I won't say that I agree with you, and I still think that there's an acceptable amount of back-up to support my interpretation that disgust of humanity is very likely to be the theme of this work. But I'll give you the recognition of it.

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Plot/Character Basics: 14/20 + 1
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Diction: 14/20 + 1
Writing Skills: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (flashback + antecedent action)

Total: 76 + 2

New Total: 78
 
*gets idea*

Mwahahaha. Fear revisions. XD


By the way, the "Intentional? Definitely not" refers only to the fire, not to the kid. She doesn't really care about that because she's a bit of a hypocrite, especially since it's vaguely implied that maybe the boy is still in the burning building.
 
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just because that maybe the case, it isn't impossilbe for Absol to be talking about one thing, but is actually referring to something else, which is what I perceive to be the case... ._.'


@ Reborn

-err... regardless of how many times I read the story... I still can't get anywhere ;_; I'll... hopefully use one more day to see if I can find anything. If not then the mark... can be hideous >>; I really can't believe that there's finally a Lily production without any sort of theme or major ideas at all...
 
;-; Oh gee Frost, it's quite amusing to see all of the so called 'Lily Productions' must have a theme. XD And the hideous mark part...Ima...just going to curl up in that little fetal position over there in the corner and sulk all day long.

I don't get it...what don't you get? o_O; Seems to me the one shot is quite simple enough, perhaps you are...looking too hard? (bad for the eyes dear *la* XD!) The title merely indicates not that it's literally 'reborn'...but in a different concept..how am I to explain? ._.;
 
*is very busy, and probably can't do one until Friday comes... 7 exams in 3 days aren't pretty >>;*

And I'll take an educated guess that whatever "Heart of the Card" is about, the story is probably going to be rather limited... I'm rather *very* doubtful about it. But I maybe wrong, as all I know about it is the title... but the chance of me being wrong in this sense with such a "suggestive title" shouldn't be off by too much...
 
I thought Heart of the Cards was a TCG fic... I'm so stupid. *slaps self angrily*
*erased former rant*
I take this back. I'm just a drama queen. XD everyone tells me that oh well when I perform in theatre and they don't, maybe they'll copy me...
 
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@ Heart of the Cards

-the title = headache... unless you're trying crossovers, do NOT use any suggestive titles like that which may cause your readers to think that this is a fanfic based on something else instead of Pokemon. And even for a crossover, it's too unoriginal and boring for a title.

-I was right... this fanfic is rather limited. Let's expand on why it's so limited then.

-we get ENDLESS conversations, one after another, in an neverending cycle as if the narrator is dead... NOT GOOD. You have to add in details in between. This is so much like the anime, except we're missing the visual pictures aka all the details. When this situation lasts on for chapter after chapters, you are really asking me to stop ready by the end of chapter 1, and you almost succeeded in doing so.

-the tone for Misty is quite accurate to an extent though, maybe even slightly exaggerated. The fact that this fanfic copies the anime copied absolutely everything from the anime, the good and the bad. The copy of tone in this case, is a good thing. Everything else, is not.

-when the plot within the first 2 chapters are direct "copy and paste" of the GBTCG game, you get a OT card version >>; Slightly original, but equally boring.

-and as a card player myself, on a side note, let's just say that those decks in the fanfic make the starter decks in real life look good >_>; (hey that's just like what the YGO anime does! They use completely not usable decks yet still miraculously become world champions! HA!)

-a good attempt at a Pokemon TCG fanfic... but making it a combination of YGO anime on top of Pokemon anime will always result in pure chaos

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Plot/Character Basics: 7/20
Coherence/Readability: 7/10
Tone/Diction: 14/20
Writing Skills: 10/20
Effort/Originality: 12/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 58


@ Reborn

-either I failed to think properly this time, or this fanfic is... relatively a lot weaker than all the others x_x;

-when some what should have been important quotations appear in this fanfic, they lack the setup/build up in front of it that'll make them sensible. "Darkness is not the word I'm looking for" is quite an important quote, but alone it gets nowhere... it lacks some supporting/thematic sentences that should be before it.

-usage of oxymorons and some interesting dictions are shone... but... they really lead to no single common theme or idea again. It's suggestive, but suggests nothing in practice. Not a "mistake" but just that in comparison to all of your other work, it's rather surprising to see that...

-verb error... not "I shall probably fail" but "I will probably fail." Watch out.

-silence makes a stunning appearance as if she is going to play an important role, yet quickly she seems to be forgotton, never mentioned (explicitly or implicitly) ever again O.o;

-Paradox! Yay! Another high level thinking at work... too bad that the paradox is held together very weakly without support...

-and there are other "egg fanfics" ;p I've read a few.

-An oneshot high in potential, with the brilliant usage of oxymoron, contradiction and a paradox (or perhaps even 2 if one of them isn't so weak that I just eliminated it from my head), but it lacks support to hold everything together. Many different pausible theme is mentioned, but all of them are mentioned once and are forgotton later on, unlike the other oneshots such as Forgiving Tears, and Reflections... too bad. High in potential...


Grammar Basics: 8/10
Plot/Character Basics: 12/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Diction: 15/20
Writing Skills: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: + 2 (oxymoron, paradox)

Total: 76
 
76! yay? *glomps, clings, hugs* o.o;

Support...Haven't really thought of that much, considering I was impatient to just get straight to the concept of it. I doubted I could make something like Forgiving Tears and Reflections again, considering Lily can't feel her hands now. ^_^ And you read plenty of more egg fics? Funny, I couldn't find it. ;;

Oookay...for the first time, my own one shot confuses me greatly...ugh. But thank you for the review frost.


~LP
 
That's a very good review from Frostweaver. (OMG. It's so lengthy. My head reels.)
 
could someone please volunteer to be an artist for my fic? I need someone to draw character art, and maybe pictures of select scenes, from PMC. I hate to sound picky, but I do have some pretty high standards. I want art that's done in a very nice anime/manga styling, so if anyone considers this, could you please send me a sample of your work first?
 
Although this isn't directly linked to Fan Fiction... oh OK, it's got nothing to do with it. It's just it's frosty's birthday today, and I think we should all celebrate the greatest reviewer on these forums by doing something at least. But... in the mean time - congratulations on turning 16 frosty ^_^
 
Aw, good idea MCD <3. So, here's to one of the best reviewers PC has seen. ^_^

Happy Birthdai Frosty-* Wish I was 16. XP
 
おたんじょうびおめでとございます, フロストウィーヴァーくん!!!

Congrats on turning 16, I hope you enjoy that.
 
Go review chapter 2 of my fic, you 16 year old, you. I may consider being an artist for your story, Yamato-san. I hope it isn't boring... just kidding.

edit: nevermind... you took down the first chapters, and it hurts my head too much when Japanese names are used. Sorry.
 
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