Amy-chan
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I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO THE GOOD PART OF MY FANFIC YET! WHY DID YOU REVIEW IT WHEN I HAVE JUST STARTED IT? Sorry for being shouty.....
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Frostweaver
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A fanfic is to be good all the way through, not to have a crappy start and only decent at the ending. Writing skills are to be consistent throughout the story... What you're talking about is probably climax, not "good part." But then again, what good is a climax if the rising action is all in the dumps?
emeraldslay
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It would be an honour if the infamous Frostweaver would review 'Pokemon: The journey of Green' A bad review is better then none at all...
Amy-chan
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Sorry. I wasn't trying to start a fight..
Frostweaver
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@ Pokemon: Journey of Green (Prologue + ch1)
-again by default, look at the title and it's not very likely that the story will be too entertaining... lack of originality as the title, and we should all be aware that using words such as "legend." "journey," "story," and "tales" and etc will result in a rather negative image within the reader's mind already.
-refer to the "READ FIRST" sticky about the proper way to write a prologue... synopsis and prologue are different. Also, avoid the usage of "I" if possible. You're allowed to use it in a prologue, but reduce the amount of usage of it.
-promises of "it will get better later" are useless. Don't bother making them. It doesn't make you look that much better.
-there should be no need of character introduced this way. Characters should be introduced through writing, not author's notes.
-you need a new line before the start of a new paragraph, to help with readability
-grammatical errors: the sun sets beyond the horizon, not below the horizon (below the horizon would mean that the sun physically sunk into the sea with the fishies)
-useless repetition: the first sentence of ch.1 talked of how the sun set, and then the next sentence starts with "as the sun lowered down"? Rather wordly... watch out for that.
-advice on diction: don't start a sentence with "but" unless what is following the "but" is of tremendous importance, enough to purposely violate the law of grammar. In your case, it isn't important enough to do so. Use "however."
-punctuation errors... watch out for the evil misuage of the comma
-too little paragraphs are used... break up your paragraph into multiple paragraphs to help with readability, and use them for emphasizes on important keypoints (such as how a strong Pokemon in the hands of a good trainer can create a legend)
-heavy verb tense error... choose either past or present, and stick with one.
-always, ALWAYS stay away from a huge lengthy paragraph about explicit descriptions... very boring >>; However, better to see them than none at all.
-now, I'm very sure that you know how ch.1 is as "good" as the exact identical copy of Pokemon Special, besides "Green" and "Red" are switched around.... NOT a good thing at all. Even if you want to lead off the story with how Red+Green saw Mew (which is perfectly ok), I'm certain that there are many other much more original ways to talk of the same thing... You can simply introduce this same event via a flashback, or other various devices... Giving this as your reader's first impression of your story is a terrible idea. A reason why OT is generally hated is that OT starts off almost identical to the anime. This is pretty much OT, except that it copied the manga instead of the anime.
-a nice attempt at combining all aspects of Pokemon stories into one, but so far close to nothing is shown... Lack of originality, being the greatest problem, is responsible for the low mark for this story. Be sure to read the sticky guide on how to write a fanfic. Try different literature devices in order to carry your point across as well. Be sure to use diction and tone in order to further your character's personality, which is currently, non-existent.
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Plot/Character Basics: 8/20
Coherence/Readability: 7/10
Tone/Diction: 8/20
Writing Skills: 8/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 52
-again by default, look at the title and it's not very likely that the story will be too entertaining... lack of originality as the title, and we should all be aware that using words such as "legend." "journey," "story," and "tales" and etc will result in a rather negative image within the reader's mind already.
-refer to the "READ FIRST" sticky about the proper way to write a prologue... synopsis and prologue are different. Also, avoid the usage of "I" if possible. You're allowed to use it in a prologue, but reduce the amount of usage of it.
-promises of "it will get better later" are useless. Don't bother making them. It doesn't make you look that much better.
-there should be no need of character introduced this way. Characters should be introduced through writing, not author's notes.
-you need a new line before the start of a new paragraph, to help with readability
-grammatical errors: the sun sets beyond the horizon, not below the horizon (below the horizon would mean that the sun physically sunk into the sea with the fishies)
-useless repetition: the first sentence of ch.1 talked of how the sun set, and then the next sentence starts with "as the sun lowered down"? Rather wordly... watch out for that.
-advice on diction: don't start a sentence with "but" unless what is following the "but" is of tremendous importance, enough to purposely violate the law of grammar. In your case, it isn't important enough to do so. Use "however."
-punctuation errors... watch out for the evil misuage of the comma
-too little paragraphs are used... break up your paragraph into multiple paragraphs to help with readability, and use them for emphasizes on important keypoints (such as how a strong Pokemon in the hands of a good trainer can create a legend)
-heavy verb tense error... choose either past or present, and stick with one.
-always, ALWAYS stay away from a huge lengthy paragraph about explicit descriptions... very boring >>; However, better to see them than none at all.
-now, I'm very sure that you know how ch.1 is as "good" as the exact identical copy of Pokemon Special, besides "Green" and "Red" are switched around.... NOT a good thing at all. Even if you want to lead off the story with how Red+Green saw Mew (which is perfectly ok), I'm certain that there are many other much more original ways to talk of the same thing... You can simply introduce this same event via a flashback, or other various devices... Giving this as your reader's first impression of your story is a terrible idea. A reason why OT is generally hated is that OT starts off almost identical to the anime. This is pretty much OT, except that it copied the manga instead of the anime.
-a nice attempt at combining all aspects of Pokemon stories into one, but so far close to nothing is shown... Lack of originality, being the greatest problem, is responsible for the low mark for this story. Be sure to read the sticky guide on how to write a fanfic. Try different literature devices in order to carry your point across as well. Be sure to use diction and tone in order to further your character's personality, which is currently, non-existent.
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Plot/Character Basics: 8/20
Coherence/Readability: 7/10
Tone/Diction: 8/20
Writing Skills: 8/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 52
Yami86
Speedy Speed Boy!!!
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Ok, I'll take a leaf out of MewMan's book and ask for a reviewer...
Frostweaver, since it seems that you are the "official" fanfic reviewer here, could I request that you review my fanfic, 'A Hero Emerges'? Any chapter would be fine, since my fic is ridiculously long. I would really like to know what I am doing wrong, since I get many views on my fic but hardly any replies from the readers...
Frostweaver, since it seems that you are the "official" fanfic reviewer here, could I request that you review my fanfic, 'A Hero Emerges'? Any chapter would be fine, since my fic is ridiculously long. I would really like to know what I am doing wrong, since I get many views on my fic but hardly any replies from the readers...
Frostweaver
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Well, then why not review the start of it?
@ A Hero Emerges (prologue + ch.1)
-again, read the prologue FAQ in the giant sticky thread with "READ THIS"
-all those "telepathy" "good conscience" "evil conscience" stuff are useless... scrap them all, and introduce them into your story using your skills, not some made up symbols.
-again, again, and again (for 3 reviews in a row now), synopsis is not the same as prologue. Settings, characters and any other "basic" stuff should be introduced through the piece of writing itself.
-(note, but not a "fault":) there is no need or reason to explain how 2 of your characters are portrayed. You're the writer of the story, and within the story, you are "GOD." Do whatever you want with your characters, as long as their actions are justified through whatever means. To me, I cannot really call if your own characters reflect your portrait of yourself and your sister. The readers don't have a right to even bark about it, unless the name is identical to someone of influencial power in real life, or the Pokemon world.
-a whole paragraph on explicit descriiption = no no... unless you want to bore your characters beyond death.
-no need for the poor (daydream sequence)/(end sequence) bracket. You should rely on your writing skill to tell your readers that Louis is daydreaming.
-some of the "italic mental note" are rather... unnecessary. Could have just used narration to paraphrase it all. Italic mental notes are technically a grammar mistake, and we all know that we can only break a grammar rule only if we're talking about something of significant importance. Some of the stuff here, are not.
-don't use "*<action here>*" as that is an IM grammar, and not a usable format for fanfics, even for a scriptfic
-watch out for some contradicting tone of voice... a light hearted start with occassion uses of serious dictions result in great confusion, and a severe mark deduction in terms of coherence/diction.
-a typical OT start is... not too healthy.
-hmm... isn't A Hero Emerges a YGO card related to those Amazoness theme decks...? Hmm maybe I could A Hero Emerges mixed up with Dramatic Rescue in terms of the effect, as I haven't touched YGO for a long time now, but I remember seeing it somewhere...
-another what seems to be a typical OT fanfic, with a slight sense of YGO crossover (intended? I don't know yet... I'll judge on that later in future chapters.) Everything is rather typical, with some strange usage of various "symbols" that certainly hurt your readability. Try to express everything with just words, quotation marks, bold and italics, as if it is a real novel. Slight Pokemon-anime taste so far, but we'll see if this is true when the battle scene arrives (and I warn you, you DON'T want to be scene as Pokemon-anime style.) This is a general start for a typical OT fanfic with just nothing special, but nothing bad as well.
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Plot/Character Basics: 13/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Diction: 12/20
Writing Skills: 12/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 68
@ A Hero Emerges (prologue + ch.1)
-again, read the prologue FAQ in the giant sticky thread with "READ THIS"
-all those "telepathy" "good conscience" "evil conscience" stuff are useless... scrap them all, and introduce them into your story using your skills, not some made up symbols.
-again, again, and again (for 3 reviews in a row now), synopsis is not the same as prologue. Settings, characters and any other "basic" stuff should be introduced through the piece of writing itself.
-(note, but not a "fault":) there is no need or reason to explain how 2 of your characters are portrayed. You're the writer of the story, and within the story, you are "GOD." Do whatever you want with your characters, as long as their actions are justified through whatever means. To me, I cannot really call if your own characters reflect your portrait of yourself and your sister. The readers don't have a right to even bark about it, unless the name is identical to someone of influencial power in real life, or the Pokemon world.
-a whole paragraph on explicit descriiption = no no... unless you want to bore your characters beyond death.
-no need for the poor (daydream sequence)/(end sequence) bracket. You should rely on your writing skill to tell your readers that Louis is daydreaming.
-some of the "italic mental note" are rather... unnecessary. Could have just used narration to paraphrase it all. Italic mental notes are technically a grammar mistake, and we all know that we can only break a grammar rule only if we're talking about something of significant importance. Some of the stuff here, are not.
-don't use "*<action here>*" as that is an IM grammar, and not a usable format for fanfics, even for a scriptfic
-watch out for some contradicting tone of voice... a light hearted start with occassion uses of serious dictions result in great confusion, and a severe mark deduction in terms of coherence/diction.
-a typical OT start is... not too healthy.
-hmm... isn't A Hero Emerges a YGO card related to those Amazoness theme decks...? Hmm maybe I could A Hero Emerges mixed up with Dramatic Rescue in terms of the effect, as I haven't touched YGO for a long time now, but I remember seeing it somewhere...
-another what seems to be a typical OT fanfic, with a slight sense of YGO crossover (intended? I don't know yet... I'll judge on that later in future chapters.) Everything is rather typical, with some strange usage of various "symbols" that certainly hurt your readability. Try to express everything with just words, quotation marks, bold and italics, as if it is a real novel. Slight Pokemon-anime taste so far, but we'll see if this is true when the battle scene arrives (and I warn you, you DON'T want to be scene as Pokemon-anime style.) This is a general start for a typical OT fanfic with just nothing special, but nothing bad as well.
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Plot/Character Basics: 13/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Diction: 12/20
Writing Skills: 12/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 68
Yami86
Speedy Speed Boy!!!
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Thanks for the heads up, Frostweaver. Finally I know where I'm messing up...I can write amazing essays, but I'm not so hot at narrative prose...
EDIT: A Hero Emerges is a trap card, very useful if you've got a dead hand full of tribute monsters. Bascially, you activate it when your opponent declares an attack, and when you do your opponent chooses a card from your hand. If it is a non-monster card, it is sent to the graveyard. If it is a monster, it is special summoned onto the field.
EDIT: A Hero Emerges is a trap card, very useful if you've got a dead hand full of tribute monsters. Bascially, you activate it when your opponent declares an attack, and when you do your opponent chooses a card from your hand. If it is a non-monster card, it is sent to the graveyard. If it is a monster, it is special summoned onto the field.
Last edited:
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
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lol... not "official" but it's just that no one else reviews >>; And indeed, essay is so completely different from stories, that they're 2 completely different language almost. It's like comparing poetry to stories...
And a "new rubric" for all future stories to come: =p
The "writing skill" section is taken out, because really the final score is a rating on your writing skill. Now tone/diction is broken up into two sections, meaning that these 2 components are worth even more marks now. I really believe that they make up too much of the story to just worth 20 points together... so let's double it =p Also, the "plot" section is taken out completely, as really in practice, the plot is related to originality.
Grammar Basics: /10
Characterization: /20
Coherence/Readability: /10
Tone/Atmosphere: /20
Diction: /20
Effort/Originality: /20
Lit. Device bonus:
And a "new rubric" for all future stories to come: =p
The "writing skill" section is taken out, because really the final score is a rating on your writing skill. Now tone/diction is broken up into two sections, meaning that these 2 components are worth even more marks now. I really believe that they make up too much of the story to just worth 20 points together... so let's double it =p Also, the "plot" section is taken out completely, as really in practice, the plot is related to originality.
Grammar Basics: /10
Characterization: /20
Coherence/Readability: /10
Tone/Atmosphere: /20
Diction: /20
Effort/Originality: /20
Lit. Device bonus:
Yami86
Speedy Speed Boy!!!
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You really know your stuff, Frostweaver. Are you taking advanced English/Literature subjects or something?! Makes me miss high school...almost. Anyways, I wonder if you can put up a guide to reviewing Frostweaver? I think more people would actually review if they had some basic guildlines to assist them. I'd review fics myself but I don't think I'd do a good job of it because I've got that 'critical analysis' of essay writing mentality drilled into my head...
Kylie-chan
[span="background:#000; padding: 2px 10px;"][color
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frostweaver said:
Sure, frosty, sure. I review sometimes, Lily does, a few review properly, only MCD can only do it via pm.*mock offence* You're just the best reviewer. :P
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
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Well we actually do have a guide about how to review... within the Fanfic Writing Guide with "READ FIRST" and sticky... >>; And no, I'm just an english IB dropout actually, so lol! I'm the complete opposite in comparison to what you're thinking ;p
hehe... and since we have a daring brave soul who dares to challenge the icy cold of the fanfic rating system, why not? I have an hour of spare time anyway...
@ Trials of Reluctance (ch.1)
-again, shouldn't have to tell the readers that "this is an AU fanfic about this and that." Your readers aren't stupid. This is as bad as saying "In this essay I'll be talking about Romeo's relationship with..." as the first sentence of your hand-in essay for English class.
-watch out for run on sentences, like "While rubbing her forehead in pain her hand brushed lightly against her long bangs which laid in her chestnut brown hair. Her cerulean blue eyes showed hints of annoyance." It should be a comma after hair instead.
-no point of using an aside, when there's no other signs of asides from the rest of the chapter. Plus, that aside isn't very revealing or important anyway, as the readers can easily figure out which character is important as s/he reads on. However, it's a nice attempt.
-that light-hearted cute aside clashes directly in terms of tone with May's first words towards the audience, which speaks of her personal "hatred" and "grief" towards her life... not good. You don't want the atmospheres to clash like this.
-the ' ' marks aren't meant to be used as thoughts... watch out for the misusage of punctuations.
-this fanfic is quite problematic with the usage of proper conjunctions. They're either missing, or the wrong conjunction is used... (such as using "and" instead of "along with")
-too many paragraphs O.o; Simliar to Dragonfree's problem, too many paragraphs make the story look really bad, and it somewhat hurts readability. Try to paraphrase some of the conversations to reduce the usage of them.
-please use the grammar check function within a word processor... if you don't have any, ask for a beta-reader/friend who will copy+paste your story into their word processor to check for you... there are some grammar mistakes that even the word processor should be able to pick up, like a missing period at the end of a sentence.
-when there's a new speaker, start a new paragraph (I think that you know this, but just slipped that one time.)
-the GS2 allusion could have been a brilliant place to establish some supporting atmosphere... but right now the name of GS2 is mentioned, yet it doesn't play a siginificant role at all. If an allusion is useless, don't bother to use allusion in the first place. Now a good way to fix this problem, is to have May's battery dying out on her when the game scenario lands to a situation similiar/completely different to May's situation in Littleroot. That can also be used as juxtaposition of similiarty/contrast too...
-the comparison of May to dogs... um... intended or just an "interesting" metaphor? O.o;
-don't use IM language by suddenly adding in a :snicker: in the middle of a conversation... IM English and Fanfic English are not compatible, and are not the same. It's not like we write stuff like "May lol at the joke, as Ash rofl, while Brock ;_;" within fanfics.
-the (them meaning Pokemon) part is bad... it should be made clear within your sentence that the pronoun refers to Pokemon.
-"that her husband and May?s father got a big job" is a terribly confusing and poorly written sentence... this sentence is suggesting that those two men are two different person, when in fact that they're the same... another example on the misuage of conjunctions.
-you cannot have a "flashback" to the 1600s, when...
a) we are never given the time when the story takes place... 100 or 28394?
b) assuming that you're talking about 2004 for this fanfic, you can't have a flashback going to the 1600s, unless one of the characters present lived for 400 or so years long
With the above being said, this means that the whole flashback scene is in a confusing mess, assuming that they know what is a "flashback."
-avoid usage of pros narrative words, since your story didn't start with pros narrative but a 3rd person narrative.
-The whole paragraph with Brendan saying/thinking/"something"ing " ?Life in LittleRoot town can be pretty dull. It...." makes no sense. Who's he talking to? O.o; If it's another aside attempt... well that was very unclear.
-you can't switch narratives in this fashion... switching of narrative requires a clear cut line that the narrative has changed. This fanfic, doesn't have it, and therefore, is flawed at the change of narratives.
-Both May and Brendan do not have an official last name, similiar to how Misty's is not Waterflower. "Maple" being May's last name originates from the first Ruby/Sapphire OT fanfic, and is by no way any official last name. It's just that all other RS OT fanfics follow suite and started an unforgetable trend with "May Maple." Brendan doesn't have a certain last name either, due to the fact that in the game, whoever is your rival will be default inherit the last name "birch." In the game's perspective, "May Birch" and "Brendan Birch" suffice. However, most people think that the anime got May as being the daughter of Norman, then Brendan "by default" will have to be Brendan Birch... On the other hand, the manga says "Sapphire Birch" (which you have obviously figured out by now...) So you see, none of their assumption make any sense. Really, all the last names are just a confusing mess. No one is given any official last names except for Ash, Gary and Tracey out of all the main characters of the anime.
-No need to explain how you took Sapphire from the manga and fit her into May here. The characters are yours to play with. Within this fanfic, you're "GOD..." to *almost all* extents you are. Grammar and logic > "GOD" within a fanfic, if "GOD" cares about getting more viewers.
-Overall, a light hearted story that combines various parts of Pokemon products into one fanfic. The humor is quite suitable in most cases, while the story continues on in a interesting manner. Characters are very well done, with their tone matching their respective personality. Though grammar and unhelpful diction seem to be very problematic for this fanfic, this fanfic does have very high potential to continue on forward to be a brilliant fanfic, mostly because of its originality along with humor that's really standing out. Keep it up!
Grammar Basics: 5/10 <= problem
Characterization: 17/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 15/20
Diction: 12/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (aside attempt, allusions)
Total: 75
hehe... and since we have a daring brave soul who dares to challenge the icy cold of the fanfic rating system, why not? I have an hour of spare time anyway...
@ Trials of Reluctance (ch.1)
-again, shouldn't have to tell the readers that "this is an AU fanfic about this and that." Your readers aren't stupid. This is as bad as saying "In this essay I'll be talking about Romeo's relationship with..." as the first sentence of your hand-in essay for English class.
-watch out for run on sentences, like "While rubbing her forehead in pain her hand brushed lightly against her long bangs which laid in her chestnut brown hair. Her cerulean blue eyes showed hints of annoyance." It should be a comma after hair instead.
-no point of using an aside, when there's no other signs of asides from the rest of the chapter. Plus, that aside isn't very revealing or important anyway, as the readers can easily figure out which character is important as s/he reads on. However, it's a nice attempt.
-that light-hearted cute aside clashes directly in terms of tone with May's first words towards the audience, which speaks of her personal "hatred" and "grief" towards her life... not good. You don't want the atmospheres to clash like this.
-the ' ' marks aren't meant to be used as thoughts... watch out for the misusage of punctuations.
-this fanfic is quite problematic with the usage of proper conjunctions. They're either missing, or the wrong conjunction is used... (such as using "and" instead of "along with")
-too many paragraphs O.o; Simliar to Dragonfree's problem, too many paragraphs make the story look really bad, and it somewhat hurts readability. Try to paraphrase some of the conversations to reduce the usage of them.
-please use the grammar check function within a word processor... if you don't have any, ask for a beta-reader/friend who will copy+paste your story into their word processor to check for you... there are some grammar mistakes that even the word processor should be able to pick up, like a missing period at the end of a sentence.
-when there's a new speaker, start a new paragraph (I think that you know this, but just slipped that one time.)
-the GS2 allusion could have been a brilliant place to establish some supporting atmosphere... but right now the name of GS2 is mentioned, yet it doesn't play a siginificant role at all. If an allusion is useless, don't bother to use allusion in the first place. Now a good way to fix this problem, is to have May's battery dying out on her when the game scenario lands to a situation similiar/completely different to May's situation in Littleroot. That can also be used as juxtaposition of similiarty/contrast too...
-the comparison of May to dogs... um... intended or just an "interesting" metaphor? O.o;
-don't use IM language by suddenly adding in a :snicker: in the middle of a conversation... IM English and Fanfic English are not compatible, and are not the same. It's not like we write stuff like "May lol at the joke, as Ash rofl, while Brock ;_;" within fanfics.
-the (them meaning Pokemon) part is bad... it should be made clear within your sentence that the pronoun refers to Pokemon.
-"that her husband and May?s father got a big job" is a terribly confusing and poorly written sentence... this sentence is suggesting that those two men are two different person, when in fact that they're the same... another example on the misuage of conjunctions.
-you cannot have a "flashback" to the 1600s, when...
a) we are never given the time when the story takes place... 100 or 28394?
b) assuming that you're talking about 2004 for this fanfic, you can't have a flashback going to the 1600s, unless one of the characters present lived for 400 or so years long
With the above being said, this means that the whole flashback scene is in a confusing mess, assuming that they know what is a "flashback."
-avoid usage of pros narrative words, since your story didn't start with pros narrative but a 3rd person narrative.
-The whole paragraph with Brendan saying/thinking/"something"ing " ?Life in LittleRoot town can be pretty dull. It...." makes no sense. Who's he talking to? O.o; If it's another aside attempt... well that was very unclear.
-you can't switch narratives in this fashion... switching of narrative requires a clear cut line that the narrative has changed. This fanfic, doesn't have it, and therefore, is flawed at the change of narratives.
-Both May and Brendan do not have an official last name, similiar to how Misty's is not Waterflower. "Maple" being May's last name originates from the first Ruby/Sapphire OT fanfic, and is by no way any official last name. It's just that all other RS OT fanfics follow suite and started an unforgetable trend with "May Maple." Brendan doesn't have a certain last name either, due to the fact that in the game, whoever is your rival will be default inherit the last name "birch." In the game's perspective, "May Birch" and "Brendan Birch" suffice. However, most people think that the anime got May as being the daughter of Norman, then Brendan "by default" will have to be Brendan Birch... On the other hand, the manga says "Sapphire Birch" (which you have obviously figured out by now...) So you see, none of their assumption make any sense. Really, all the last names are just a confusing mess. No one is given any official last names except for Ash, Gary and Tracey out of all the main characters of the anime.
-No need to explain how you took Sapphire from the manga and fit her into May here. The characters are yours to play with. Within this fanfic, you're "GOD..." to *almost all* extents you are. Grammar and logic > "GOD" within a fanfic, if "GOD" cares about getting more viewers.
-Overall, a light hearted story that combines various parts of Pokemon products into one fanfic. The humor is quite suitable in most cases, while the story continues on in a interesting manner. Characters are very well done, with their tone matching their respective personality. Though grammar and unhelpful diction seem to be very problematic for this fanfic, this fanfic does have very high potential to continue on forward to be a brilliant fanfic, mostly because of its originality along with humor that's really standing out. Keep it up!
Grammar Basics: 5/10 <= problem
Characterization: 17/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 15/20
Diction: 12/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (aside attempt, allusions)
Total: 75
Kylie-chan
[span="background:#000; padding: 2px 10px;"][color
- 14,964
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- Age 31
- New South Wales, Australia
- Seen Jun 16, 2023
er... who is that ice cold soul? wouldn't be me would it... oh you I'm such a dolt. :P
and I read it but I'm hopeless. i need more reviewing "gumption" as Aunt Jamesina (Anne of the Island) puts it.
and I read it but I'm hopeless. i need more reviewing "gumption" as Aunt Jamesina (Anne of the Island) puts it.
EKANSSSSSSSSSS
Snake Lover
- 454
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 43
- san fransisco
- Seen Apr 26, 2008
if anyone is up for a good read...or a review ^_^ then plz take a look at my fic
https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?p=608710&posted=1#post608710
thanks
https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?p=608710&posted=1#post608710
thanks
Isaac Gravity
Supports hot-bloodedness
- 262
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- A quiet place where I can stare at the clouds
- Seen Aug 24, 2008
frostweaver said:
That cleared some things up for me. Yup diction, grammar and use of commas are my weakest points. Sometimes I was trying to explain certain part but it didn't come out the way my brain once set it up. But that's no excuse. I'll take a look into that by turning on the grammar options for already submitted chapters and the remainder of the story. (I recently noticed the grammar option in the spelling and grammar box. Just one of the many things I foolishly overlook.)
Aside from those massive mistakes, I'm just too used to essay writing and explaining things from different narratives. That's why I'm so stuck on paragraphs. But I'll give them a look see on what can be done. (Can't assure anything though.)
Well I played with fire and got burned or freezer burned. Overall though, I got the help I needed. So thanks.
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,245
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 36
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
@ Guilty by Design
-The "even Champ jumped up in surprise" is contradictory in comparison to what you've built up in Champ...
-grammar, again, strikes back to haunt the story. I'm sure that you can figure out what went wrong here: "He could cover a greater distance in just a few steps and training with a stronger body and Rick, who was closer to his size, became easier and more enjoyable."
-lack of transition when you're talking about Champ and his self admiration... this could be fixed if the previous scene is changed. When the huge man appears, make it so that Rick jumped like what he did now, but make Champ stay completely still...
-the usage of dashes seem to be forgotton, with its role in grammar transferred to the ever-so-popular comma instead... o.o;
-" "Wow, he is young!" Boscoe said." Not the most convincing choice of dictions ever... if possible, eliminate "said" at all cost. Leave "said" to those super-cameoes.
-generally, a start of a conversation means a new paragraph
-The description of Hitmonchik with its various comparisons to different Pokemon's body parts make Champ too knowledgable looking. Even though it's a 3rd person narrative, Champ is the only main reoccuring characters that's with the readers in that scene (according to what we know so far), and the narrator's choice of words should reflect what Champ sees as well in this case... argh hard to explain really... hope that you get what I mean x_x;
-some that's not rather related to the story can go as a sidenote in the author's notes section at the end of a chapter, so that it doesn't interrupt the flow of the story.
-pleasant SIGHT not plesant SITE. Gotta watch out.
-no sentence within a properly written fanfic narration should have this situation: "... and <word> and..." If that happens, then obviously, a grammar mistake lurks around.
-the battle scenes are very well done... heavy with descriptions, with a sense of realism attached to it.
-Overall, this is a good chapter within a spectacular and promising fanfic. The story seems to shift to put heavier focus on the plot and the action now, which is fine to me. Charization remains to be the strength of the story. Attempts on irony is also shown, which is another positive sign. However, grammar seems to slip away very quickly, and the careful usage of diction seems to be fading as well. Hopefully, these two fads will not keep up as the story unfolds.
Grammar Basics: 7/10 <= problem
Characterization: 18/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 17/20
Diction: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (foreshadow, irony-attempt)
Total: 88
-The "even Champ jumped up in surprise" is contradictory in comparison to what you've built up in Champ...
-grammar, again, strikes back to haunt the story. I'm sure that you can figure out what went wrong here: "He could cover a greater distance in just a few steps and training with a stronger body and Rick, who was closer to his size, became easier and more enjoyable."
-lack of transition when you're talking about Champ and his self admiration... this could be fixed if the previous scene is changed. When the huge man appears, make it so that Rick jumped like what he did now, but make Champ stay completely still...
-the usage of dashes seem to be forgotton, with its role in grammar transferred to the ever-so-popular comma instead... o.o;
-" "Wow, he is young!" Boscoe said." Not the most convincing choice of dictions ever... if possible, eliminate "said" at all cost. Leave "said" to those super-cameoes.
-generally, a start of a conversation means a new paragraph
-The description of Hitmonchik with its various comparisons to different Pokemon's body parts make Champ too knowledgable looking. Even though it's a 3rd person narrative, Champ is the only main reoccuring characters that's with the readers in that scene (according to what we know so far), and the narrator's choice of words should reflect what Champ sees as well in this case... argh hard to explain really... hope that you get what I mean x_x;
-some that's not rather related to the story can go as a sidenote in the author's notes section at the end of a chapter, so that it doesn't interrupt the flow of the story.
-pleasant SIGHT not plesant SITE. Gotta watch out.
-no sentence within a properly written fanfic narration should have this situation: "... and <word> and..." If that happens, then obviously, a grammar mistake lurks around.
-the battle scenes are very well done... heavy with descriptions, with a sense of realism attached to it.
-Overall, this is a good chapter within a spectacular and promising fanfic. The story seems to shift to put heavier focus on the plot and the action now, which is fine to me. Charization remains to be the strength of the story. Attempts on irony is also shown, which is another positive sign. However, grammar seems to slip away very quickly, and the careful usage of diction seems to be fading as well. Hopefully, these two fads will not keep up as the story unfolds.
Grammar Basics: 7/10 <= problem
Characterization: 18/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 17/20
Diction: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (foreshadow, irony-attempt)
Total: 88
Iveechan
based on a paperclip
- 1,383
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- Dark bowels of Maryland
- Seen Jan 12, 2006
I had to elaborately describe Aya because she doesn't exist in the games and not really much I could compare her to. And I don't see what's wrong with the said part. I'm a little disappointed that you focused so much on my grammar issues where my favorite part of this chapter were the battles. Whatever.
Lily
◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.
- 3,328
- Posts
- 20
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- New Joisey
- Seen Jan 14, 2025
I ask such stupid questions...;-;
But what is there a difference of (if there are any?)
Fallen White
OR
Falling White
:D
But what is there a difference of (if there are any?)
Fallen White
OR
Falling White
:D
oni flygon
:)
- 7,901
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Bittertown
- Seen Sep 3, 2009
Ah...Lily...I'm so lazy today...could you change the fanfic of the week for meh? =.=
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,245
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 36
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
Grammar is also part of a fanfic, and in all sense of equality and fairness, I can't just give a higher mark even though I loved the battles... Everyone has a certain set of rules to follow, and these sets of rules cannot be broken, even for the rule maker himself.
"Said" following an exclamation mark is just pure oddity... really =/
As for Aya's description, you can always use those Pokemon to compare, but adding in hesitations always helps ;p Such things are parts of diction, and diction is terribly hard to think of as a writer, but too easy to find as a reader.
As for Lily's question, the two titles have differences, and depending on how the story goes, this small spect of differences is enough to play quite a tremendous affect.
"Falling White" is present progressive, while "Fallen White" is past tense. One talks about what is going to happen, while the other says "it has been done." The differences in tenses have a different impact on foreshadowing.
"Said" following an exclamation mark is just pure oddity... really =/
As for Aya's description, you can always use those Pokemon to compare, but adding in hesitations always helps ;p Such things are parts of diction, and diction is terribly hard to think of as a writer, but too easy to find as a reader.
As for Lily's question, the two titles have differences, and depending on how the story goes, this small spect of differences is enough to play quite a tremendous affect.
"Falling White" is present progressive, while "Fallen White" is past tense. One talks about what is going to happen, while the other says "it has been done." The differences in tenses have a different impact on foreshadowing.
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