Lily
◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.
- 3,328
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- New Joisey
- Seen Jan 14, 2025
You're not allowed to pick a mod's fanfic during the FF of the week anyway.
;-; gee thanks a lot.
;-; gee thanks a lot.
-
Our friends from the Johto Times are hosting a favorite Pokémon poll - and we'd love for you to participate! Click here for information on how to vote for your favorites!
-
Cyndy, May, Hero (Conquest), or Wes - which Pokémon protagonist is your favorite? Let us know by voting in our poll!
Fanfiction Lounge
- Thread starter ^^NICK^^ v.2.0
- Start date
- Status
Strawberry Delcatty
Neko daisuki-na no nya!
- 752
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 39
- California
- Seen Aug 20, 2006
Trials of Reluctance
Boy, did Chapter 4 impress me. Cipher remaking the Holocaust? May made into a murderer? Wow...shows me a different side of Pokemon...
Whirlpool the Zigzagoon... I'm sensing a water theme with May.
I've only spotted a few errors, but they're nothing I can't get used to.
Overall, I expect good things with this fic.
Trial of Juno
Might as well say it again: This is good stuff.
I could do a review on this, but I'd go on forever. Besides, all my comments are on PE2K where I first read it anyway, and I don't feel like digging through the fan fic feedback thread just to copy and paste what I said.
Oh, and I'll have chapter 10 and probably 11 (my personal favorite) of Hoenn Mirror World by tomorrow or Xmas.
Boy, did Chapter 4 impress me. Cipher remaking the Holocaust? May made into a murderer? Wow...shows me a different side of Pokemon...
Whirlpool the Zigzagoon... I'm sensing a water theme with May.
I've only spotted a few errors, but they're nothing I can't get used to.
Overall, I expect good things with this fic.
Trial of Juno
Might as well say it again: This is good stuff.
I could do a review on this, but I'd go on forever. Besides, all my comments are on PE2K where I first read it anyway, and I don't feel like digging through the fan fic feedback thread just to copy and paste what I said.
Oh, and I'll have chapter 10 and probably 11 (my personal favorite) of Hoenn Mirror World by tomorrow or Xmas.
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,245
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 36
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
lol... or you can say "let's beat Lily in Frosty's Standard of Excellence Award!" XD;
... I wonder if people are going to review Frosty's fanfic after he reviewed so many of others? =D *whine with a shameless advertisement*
... I wonder if people are going to review Frosty's fanfic after he reviewed so many of others? =D *whine with a shameless advertisement*
Strawberry Delcatty
Neko daisuki-na no nya!
- 752
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 39
- California
- Seen Aug 20, 2006
I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a little peak-nya. ;)frostweaver said:
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,245
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 36
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
@ The Revenge of Geminine (prologue - ch.3)
-it was unnecessary to mention how you will have 6 new legendaries in your story... it's revealing too much, as it's 100% gurantee that the legendaries will play some vital role.
-the first section of chapter one sounds like something to go into the prologue as well, since it's unrelated to the rest of chapter one but definitely related to the prologue... it still has the cliffhanger feeling if it's part of the prologue too.
-pokemon stored in discs... I hope that it's only an unintended allusion to Monster Ranchers, not just because someone's running dry on creative ideas of Pokemon storage?
-why mention darren's location with a transition? Nothing is related between Fangking and Darren at this point in time, so the transition to draw connection between the two events is unnecessary.
-the whole paragraph about his Pokemon team is unnecessary... No one will remember what is mentioned there. Just let him call out whatever when the need comes to it. It is really boring to go through a whole paragraph that's made of a list.
-this seems to be a style that needs to be changed. Right before/after you mention someone/a Pokemon, you'll start unloading all the description about him/her/it as soon as possible. It doesn't have to be this way. As long as you describe them, it will be fine. Unloading too many info makes it look like a list, and lists are always boring to go through. You can't be at the two extreme ends of either no description or description overload, but try to take the center.
-then you started talking about the mountain... the earlier 2 sentence paragraph is best to combine with this paragraph here.
-the battles are really short... each Pokemon pretty much get knocked out in one blow o.o; realistic it can be, but not the most interesting ever. Can always use some more description about the battle techniques and moves, especially since you also have original attacks as well.
-slightly awkward in logic here... how can Daz not heard of his father, who's the Pokemon champion? That's quite a famous title... You could say that many people have the same last name, I suppose, along with the fact that he knows nothing of his father from his mother. Another thing is that Daz believed in Argus rather quickly in an unreasonable manner. This stranger is telling you that this other stranger is your father, who you know nothing about, and he believed it immediately... not even the slighest hint of disbelief, even for a gullible person, is rather illogical. This fact by luck made the doubt in Daz about Eagold completely ironic in such a humourous manner...
-glad that you're trying to use different words here, but you always have to be careful. If you dip something, then it is meant to come out again very shortly... the sun does not do that, and hence why sink is the most commonly used verb, because it suits the idea. However, it's always nice to try out new diction hmm?
-if Psyclone is playing the role of a mysterious prophet, then Fang knowing his name is rather awkward, along with killing a lot of the tension if you have just remained this Pokemon nameless
-the calling of the elite 4 got similiar problems to how you talked of Daz's Pokemon lineup as well
-Ivan saying "shut up" is slightly awkward in diction for someone with great authority to say in front of his crowd. We don't see presidents saying "those idiotic terrorists will go down the drain" but "the terrorist group shall be put to a complete halt."
-the coming of The Three seems rather rushed... can always expand on transition and description about their coming, and the chaos that they've stirred up.
-the last 3 paragraphs are meant to increase tension as mysterious Pokemon are also waking up from their eternal sleep in respond to the Three. However, the dictoin just didn't work out to build up the stress there...
Not a bad piece of fanfic, but wouldn't call it spectacular as well. The story laid itself too well that you can predict half the story already. We know who the bad guys are and it's another clash of good vs evil already. The idea of legendaries waking up to destroy the world is done very frequently, including the gameboy itself. Though it seems to be your typical most common type of Pokemon fanfic excluding the OT, it does manage to avoid the pitfall of many other fanfics in order to stay readable. This is a decent (but not wonderful) start for what can turn out to be a brilliant fanfic.
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 15/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 13/20
Diction: 13/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (irony +2)
Total: 74
-it was unnecessary to mention how you will have 6 new legendaries in your story... it's revealing too much, as it's 100% gurantee that the legendaries will play some vital role.
-the first section of chapter one sounds like something to go into the prologue as well, since it's unrelated to the rest of chapter one but definitely related to the prologue... it still has the cliffhanger feeling if it's part of the prologue too.
-pokemon stored in discs... I hope that it's only an unintended allusion to Monster Ranchers, not just because someone's running dry on creative ideas of Pokemon storage?
-why mention darren's location with a transition? Nothing is related between Fangking and Darren at this point in time, so the transition to draw connection between the two events is unnecessary.
The "he" is never stated who. This is a new paragraph, and you'll need to restate who unless you're purposely relating to him in the 3rd person, and there is no reason to in this paragraph. Also, a paragraph that's just 2 lines long is pretty hideous. Either add more to it, or combine it with another paragraph. This is also known as the Dragonfree Disease (DD.)
-the whole paragraph about his Pokemon team is unnecessary... No one will remember what is mentioned there. Just let him call out whatever when the need comes to it. It is really boring to go through a whole paragraph that's made of a list.
-this seems to be a style that needs to be changed. Right before/after you mention someone/a Pokemon, you'll start unloading all the description about him/her/it as soon as possible. It doesn't have to be this way. As long as you describe them, it will be fine. Unloading too many info makes it look like a list, and lists are always boring to go through. You can't be at the two extreme ends of either no description or description overload, but try to take the center.
-then you started talking about the mountain... the earlier 2 sentence paragraph is best to combine with this paragraph here.
-the battles are really short... each Pokemon pretty much get knocked out in one blow o.o; realistic it can be, but not the most interesting ever. Can always use some more description about the battle techniques and moves, especially since you also have original attacks as well.
-slightly awkward in logic here... how can Daz not heard of his father, who's the Pokemon champion? That's quite a famous title... You could say that many people have the same last name, I suppose, along with the fact that he knows nothing of his father from his mother. Another thing is that Daz believed in Argus rather quickly in an unreasonable manner. This stranger is telling you that this other stranger is your father, who you know nothing about, and he believed it immediately... not even the slighest hint of disbelief, even for a gullible person, is rather illogical. This fact by luck made the doubt in Daz about Eagold completely ironic in such a humourous manner...
-glad that you're trying to use different words here, but you always have to be careful. If you dip something, then it is meant to come out again very shortly... the sun does not do that, and hence why sink is the most commonly used verb, because it suits the idea. However, it's always nice to try out new diction hmm?
-if Psyclone is playing the role of a mysterious prophet, then Fang knowing his name is rather awkward, along with killing a lot of the tension if you have just remained this Pokemon nameless
-the calling of the elite 4 got similiar problems to how you talked of Daz's Pokemon lineup as well
-Ivan saying "shut up" is slightly awkward in diction for someone with great authority to say in front of his crowd. We don't see presidents saying "those idiotic terrorists will go down the drain" but "the terrorist group shall be put to a complete halt."
-the coming of The Three seems rather rushed... can always expand on transition and description about their coming, and the chaos that they've stirred up.
-the last 3 paragraphs are meant to increase tension as mysterious Pokemon are also waking up from their eternal sleep in respond to the Three. However, the dictoin just didn't work out to build up the stress there...
Not a bad piece of fanfic, but wouldn't call it spectacular as well. The story laid itself too well that you can predict half the story already. We know who the bad guys are and it's another clash of good vs evil already. The idea of legendaries waking up to destroy the world is done very frequently, including the gameboy itself. Though it seems to be your typical most common type of Pokemon fanfic excluding the OT, it does manage to avoid the pitfall of many other fanfics in order to stay readable. This is a decent (but not wonderful) start for what can turn out to be a brilliant fanfic.
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 15/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 13/20
Diction: 13/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (irony +2)
Total: 74
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,245
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 36
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
@ Troubled Paths
-paragraph spacing needs to be worked on... kills my eyes instantly
-the 3rd and 4th paragraph are awkward... it's an aside, but it's not a scriptfic... so what the heck? This type of thing is only allowed in an anime or a scriptfic, but not a fanfic.
-After Lara's congratulation, there is a *huge and ugly* description paragraph. Descriptions are nice, but not when they just halts the flow of the story. Also, that part is like listing, which makes it even more boring. All the sentence structure is roughly the same as well... gotta avoid this from happening at all cost.
-"you're" means you are, not "your." Watch out.
-*all* the characters are just so typically Pokemon-Anime-style... perfectly supportive family, super nice professors with no one in the world understanding what finance means o.o; terribly anime-styled, and the Pokemon anime isn't so great.
-the what seems to be a new pokemon/ponyta part is just totally confusing... not to mention a definite lack of transition/reasoning to why Erick broke down and cry.
Overall, it's just a rewrite of the Pokemon anime... there is a long way to go.
Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 10/20
Coherence/Readability: 5/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 9/20
Diction: 11/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 57
-paragraph spacing needs to be worked on... kills my eyes instantly
-the 3rd and 4th paragraph are awkward... it's an aside, but it's not a scriptfic... so what the heck? This type of thing is only allowed in an anime or a scriptfic, but not a fanfic.
-After Lara's congratulation, there is a *huge and ugly* description paragraph. Descriptions are nice, but not when they just halts the flow of the story. Also, that part is like listing, which makes it even more boring. All the sentence structure is roughly the same as well... gotta avoid this from happening at all cost.
Strangest part of the tale... the same person is now speaking about himself in both 1st and 3rd person at the same time, which means the writer messed up here. And why mention something if it's unimportant and unrelated to the story? It's like SPAM then. Everything mentioned in the story must contribute to the story one way or another. Don't include something for the sake of length.
-"you're" means you are, not "your." Watch out.
-*all* the characters are just so typically Pokemon-Anime-style... perfectly supportive family, super nice professors with no one in the world understanding what finance means o.o; terribly anime-styled, and the Pokemon anime isn't so great.
-the what seems to be a new pokemon/ponyta part is just totally confusing... not to mention a definite lack of transition/reasoning to why Erick broke down and cry.
Overall, it's just a rewrite of the Pokemon anime... there is a long way to go.
Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 10/20
Coherence/Readability: 5/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 9/20
Diction: 11/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 57
Yamato-san
Banned
- 446
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 38
- Seen Feb 15, 2012
I posted chapter 8 as a make-up chapter for those times I was over a week late (so chapter 7 is still staying for now). In other news, I reposted the first 6 chapters.
Hey Frostweaver, now that those chapters are up again, would you mind continuing your reviews starting from chapter 2?
Hey Frostweaver, now that those chapters are up again, would you mind continuing your reviews starting from chapter 2?
LanceLite
~Clone of a Max!
- 1,460
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 33
- In a corner of your pocket.
- Seen May 13, 2006
STILL NO REVIEW???? NOT EVEN A PEEK INTO MY WORK??
this is depressing and boring and stupid. im gonna get the impression that the top writers/reviewers dont care about new writers' works....
this is depressing and boring and stupid. im gonna get the impression that the top writers/reviewers dont care about new writers' works....
Lily
◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.
- 3,328
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- New Joisey
- Seen Jan 14, 2025
LanceLite said:
LanceLite; I saw your work, tried to review, didn't get the time.
Um, there's this thing called 'patience.' The world doesn't revolve around you, and many other writers are expecting a review as well. So please, it doesn't hurt to wait. If it's that depressing/boring/stupid and you don't like the reviewing policy here, then I'd either advise you to stop being so impatient, or just go to another forum that meets all your needs there, hm?
Thank you.
Strawberry Delcatty
Neko daisuki-na no nya!
- 752
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 39
- California
- Seen Aug 20, 2006
I've just put up chapter 11 of Hoenn Mirror World. Enjoy! :)
Sunflorazumarill
Look, it's Sunflorazumarill!
- 1,954
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Seen Dec 23, 2012
I just posted the chapter of a new fic of mine; A Wedding Story: Pok?mon Style. It's about the weddings of Romeo and Juliet (from Love at First Flight) and Claire and Kane (from Going for a Spinda). I hope to see some good reviews for it.
Strawberry Delcatty
Neko daisuki-na no nya!
- 752
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 39
- California
- Seen Aug 20, 2006
Chapter 12 of Hoenn Mirror World is up. I hope everyone is liking my story so far.
Also, Chapter 10 of Trials of Relunctance was very good. Looks like the serum is REALLY going around. First May, then the Magma Grunt, now Steven. Next thing I'll know, Winona is somehow stuck with it.
*gets weird looks from everyone*
It was just a wild guess!
Anyway, I'll check out chapter 11 now.
Also, Chapter 10 of Trials of Relunctance was very good. Looks like the serum is REALLY going around. First May, then the Magma Grunt, now Steven. Next thing I'll know, Winona is somehow stuck with it.
*gets weird looks from everyone*
It was just a wild guess!
Anyway, I'll check out chapter 11 now.
LanceLite
~Clone of a Max!
- 1,460
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 33
- In a corner of your pocket.
- Seen May 13, 2006
hm... and er.... sorry LP, i get impatient easy..
and since its already some time over 25th so the contest is supposed to end soon....
and since its already some time over 25th so the contest is supposed to end soon....
Dragonfree
Teh Spwriter. :3
- 1,290
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 35
- Iceland
- Seen Nov 4, 2023
I just posted a new one-shot, "Mew". *pokes frostweaver hopefully*
Last edited:
Onimusha
King of the World
- 105
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 36
- Does that honestly matter?
- Seen Apr 11, 2006
Well, I've begun re-posting "The Power Within" (currently with my Prologue and Chapter 1 of the Prelude up) again - I would've posted earlier but I didn't realise I could post this in here (gotta pay more attention) *imitates Dragonfree by poking people*
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,245
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 36
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
sorry but no fanfic review for awhile... due to
a) too addicted to Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories
b) have to catch up on christmas homework... and played too much and forgot all the school stuff so it's taking extra long
c) christmas/new year dinners
d) real life problems to manage
^^; so be back... later? And I'll review Lancelite's as my first priority since he sounded a bit desperate XD;
a) too addicted to Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories
b) have to catch up on christmas homework... and played too much and forgot all the school stuff so it's taking extra long
c) christmas/new year dinners
d) real life problems to manage
^^; so be back... later? And I'll review Lancelite's as my first priority since he sounded a bit desperate XD;
Strawberry Delcatty
Neko daisuki-na no nya!
- 752
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 39
- California
- Seen Aug 20, 2006
*facefaults*frostweaver said:
Okay... I'll wait. Meow.
LanceLite
~Clone of a Max!
- 1,460
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 33
- In a corner of your pocket.
- Seen May 13, 2006
er... *sweatdrops* hehe... i aint THAT desperate... *see's -lethal- frying pan in LilyPichu's hand* heh.... take all ur time ^_^;;
im writing prequel - 1 of Winters of Sadness... i still need a name for it now..
im writing prequel - 1 of Winters of Sadness... i still need a name for it now..
Onimusha
King of the World
- 105
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 36
- Does that honestly matter?
- Seen Apr 11, 2006
Well, I've updated my fic again, Chappie 2 is up ^_^
Kylie-chan
[span="background:#000; padding: 2px 10px;"][color
- 14,964
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 31
- New South Wales, Australia
- Seen Jun 16, 2023
Wow! Congratulations, Dragonfree. ^^ Obviously your story was excellent [duh] to get the Standard of Excellence. ^___~Dragonfree said:
- Status