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I am as far behind schedule as barely on page 1 right now... >>;

;____;

(The Prize mark increased from 93 to 94, since grammar section got boosted from 9/10 to 10/10 instead due to the fact that somehow I couldn't find the grammar mistake anymore... well no point to leave the mark if it's proven the mark of only 9/10 is unjustified hmm?)

EDIT: sorry got the title mixed up with another fanfic on ffnet lol! and no, no extra points for that ;p)
 
You mean "The Prize", right? Do I get an extra point for you getting the name wrong then? XD
 
Chapter 14 of Hoenn Mirror World is up. If you like the Code: Lyoko TV series, then you'll enjoy this chapter.

For those who go to PE2K and noticed a few changes in HMW (especially the part where Connie kicks Flannery in chapter 10, which wasn't there in the PE2K version), it's mainly because of the suggestions going around and the FAQ here. I'm trying to make HMW up to PokeCommunity standards. When I originally wrote this for PE2K, I try to get posts up on a daily basis, especially in the summer. Since everyone liked the idea of having daily updates for a fic, I try to have at least one post a day, but I do take a break for the readers to catch up. Obviously, I have no time to proofread, but I don't mind.

Here, however, a lot of the well known fan fic authors are rather too busy, so that's why I'm doing weekly updates so they can catch up.

I'd like to see you the original PE2K version of HMW that got famous, but there's the "no linking to other forums" rule. Plus, I don't want to risk spoilers. If you REALLY want to see it...

https://www.freewebs.com/lil_ida/pkmn.html

That's the section of my fan fiction site for my Pokemon fan fics. Not only you can check out Hoenn Mirror World, but you can check out some other fics as well.

Regardless, I hope everyone is enjoying Hoenn Mirror World. Only 13 more chapters of it to go!
 
@ The Engrove Challenge

-"this is what I got so far" is rather unprofessional for author's notes...

-"he, Brock, May..." is a poor sentence structure. I'm not sure if it's grammatically correct, and even if it is, it is a terrible way to word this sentence. Reword it to avoid pronouns leading off a chain of names/people.

-watch out for prepositions that are suddenly missing, like those "the"s

-use transitional phrases to link ideas together... currently I hardly see a connection between Falkner and Engrove Gym. Why are we suddenly jumping from Engrove Gym to Falkner protesting? Yes the ideas are somewhat related, but link these ideas together.

-use proper Pokemon terminology... such as Electric type not Thunder type. Fanfics do have their restrictions and limits.

-don't ever have a whole series of conversations as if it is a scriptfic. Though this seems to be only describing what the Pokemon anime is, but the Pokemon anime is not the most well-structured anime most of the time... try to stay away from the Pokemon anime style of writing for starters, as it's difficult to patch up all the flaws in the Pokemon anime

-also, whenever there is a new speaker talking, almost always is it a good idea to start a new paragraph for it.

-don't include any "irrelevant" plotlines that seem to actually take away from the story's ideas and main plot. The renting of the bikes is rather irrelevant unless you are going to expand and explain that part in further detail. Until then, take that part out.

-expand your story by adding descriptions and explanations. What is a character feeling? Why does s/he feel this way or why does something happen? You've started a little bit with Ash's excitement for this new gym, so let's keep doing that for everything you do.

-try to lengthen your story to roughly 900 words and above per chapter. Generally this is a good rule to follow to ensure that you got some descriptions in your story.

-read the sticky thread about writing a Pokemon fanfic as well

Good points
-start on explanations and descriptions
-included allusion to past events

Focuses to Work On
-further expand on the story with more explanations and descriptions
-add in characterization to each character
-avoid continous usage of conversations as if it is a scriptfic, and be sure to start a new paragraph along with a blank line whenever there is a new speaker talking

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 7/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 6/20
Diction: 7/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0


Total: 51
 
frostweaver said:
DO NOT look for good fanfics by the number of replies or views, as I certainly disagree that fanfics with lots of views/reviews mean it's a good story.

What about readership, as in, having many dedicated fans who anticipate the next release? As in, the story sticks in their head. That's really what I value foremost in a Pokemon fanfic, along with pure literary quality, but the two are incomparable IMHO. Are there any like that, especially?

Out of my personal opinions, the best of the best in this forum so far are the ones I gave Standard of Excellence Award to on my own rating system. All of those fanfics utilizes a great variety of writing techniques and symbolisms in order to lead their readers into a new world of their own.

Thank you, I will look through those! Based on your reputation as a reviewer, I think these will have great literary quality...

Another great fanfic that's out of PC but certainly deserves a whole lot of recognition is nevertheless classical Pokemon MASTERS by Acey, the first dark fiction for Pokemon. However he is no longer active and no longer writes, so the best you can do is to link to Acey's website which is dead but still online.

I'm reading it... I wish there was a topic somewhere on PC that I could comment on it at! Would it be OK if I just used this?

*spoilers for Pokemon MASTERS ahead*
When Misty poisoned Ash, my initial reaction was... another reason to hate Misty ;) (she being annoyed on the TV series and all). Why didn't Ash just torture her or poison her back, he's more powerful than her clearly. I know, I know, he'd never do anything to hurt her, nor she him except in semblance, and it is a plot device, but... that's what I hated most about The Stainless Steel Rat Sings the Blues.
Also, it'd been neat if, at that meeting with the other Masters, he'd ended, "All right, that's the plan. But just to let you know, once this is over and Misty removes the poison, I'm going to kill every last one of you." Of course, that would be what I'D have said if I was him simply because I vehemently dislike when a character with whom I sympathize succumbs to blackmail.
Overall the dark quality of the fanfic didn't strike me as especially more dark than other dark things I've read, but there was one line that really struck me, thought by the "brown-cloaked man" in chapter 6 I believe: "Then he too left the room, but in search of one of their captive women. Valdera always did that to him." Perverse enough that it took me a full quarter of a second to pick up on it, and that I only feel I can post it here because it's subtle enough that no one who "shouldn't" (in accordance with societal standards and PC content standards) know what it is, won't know what it is. :dead
I think that I will just make a section for "off-site" fanfics, and provide a link, genre, author, and description like I'm doing with the on-site ones.

Out of curiosity, it's mentioned on the site that it's (c) 1999-2000, but when did he actually first post it? Does anyone have a date? It just seems odd to think that, what with the diverse Pokemon communities that existed during the boom... Well, I suppose the heightened frequency of dark Pokemon fanfic may have to do with development of netculture, youth cultural emo integration, and fans growing up. But, is there anywhere I can find when Acey posted it?


Well, much reading ado... :rambo:
 
Just to let everyone know, Chapter three of "MissingNo - Evil Over - Ruler", will be delayed due to a week long trip.
 
In response to Pidgeot500:

Readership is completely unreliable, and should not be used as a method to determine what fanfic is worth praising

Allow me to explain why. Certainly excellent fanfics will immediately catch good reviewer's eyes, and so the readership will be high. That is true. However, what about the people who will say "this is very good I can't wait for the next update" to absolutely everything that is presented to them? Certainly anyone who cruises any board regarding any form of writing will come across this type of readers. Ask them why it's good, and they'll give you the most vague answer of "I like the plot." Certainly perhaps a plot that's identical to the anime may attract their eyes, but I really want to ask them how do they understand the plot when the work is not even spellchecked? Such readers will give a fanfic an unfair amount of readership. Dragonfree has once commented indirectly about this, which I heartily agree to. "How come some fanfics that aren't even readable has more replies and views than some outstanding fanfics here?" This is because of this type of readers. They either got a terribly low standard, or they will do anything to cheer a friend on. Feeling biased is unavoidable when reading the work of a friend, but to that extent is a bit unacceptable...


As for Pokemon MASTER, it is the first dark fanfiction, but not the darkest Pokemon fanfic. However, what determines a fanfic to be "darkest" is rather questionable as well. Codename ASHURA (hmm wonder where did they get that name?) is much "darker" as you can't find less than 3 swears on average in one paragraph, and someone dies in an instant every chapter (along with numerous cameo p.league/rocket grunts.) Certainly it's considered one of the most remarkable Pokemon fanfic as well, but does the heavy usage of constant profanity and/or death point determines the success of a dark fanfic? Certainly not! Pokemon MASTER prefers to rather paint a vivid mental image of our mind to tell us what is going on at every precise moments (well... every moment except the freeing of Misty's Bloodbond by Valdera and various things along that line.) It is first classified as "dark" because it is the first Pokemon story that involves massive amount of death (but not "spammed") along with various elements of life that we will never see in the Pokemon Anime, which is what most of the fanfics back then are like.

As for when Pokemon MASTER is published, it is first started in some sort of an email pokemon fanfic project... forgot the name. It was discontinued, then someone from that organization tried to restart the trend and did pay PC a visit, but then I haven't heard anything about it afterward. Later, due to the huge success of the first Pokemon fanfic that isn't a Pokemon-anime/school/romance fanfic favored by a lot of more mature audience, the website got started along with posting it in fanfiction.net.

<Pokemon MASTER spoiler alert>
















As for Ash's response, the story indirectly tells us why. True that Ash first followed Misty due to the bloodbond, but soon Ash's objective also changes to match those of the rebellion- crushing the Pokemon League. The 2 key events- Missingno in Mt.Moon along with opening the gates in Cerulean- have motivated Ash to follow the rebellion as they have the same objective.

Ash does not clearly overpower Misty's power, and in nowhere of the story is this suggested without Ash going into a berserk mode like what he has done in Lavender. We've seen Ash ruined by other Masters, such as Lara Laramie and Sabrina. Misty, also being a Pokemon master herself along the ranks of these other masters who have defeated/ruined Ash in the past, certainly stands a chance against Ash. Do not forget Valdera's prophecy that the power of light and shadow shall always remain equal. Misty being of the light side (due to her relationship with her "sister") is proven to be of an equal power to Ash if she ever allows that power to be unleashed to the fullest potential which she has never chosen to do, unlike Valdera and Ash.











<end spoiler>

Such is my defense for my near-perfect favorite Pokemon fanfic. =P
 
Hey Frosty, just so I know what a really good reviewer thinks of my fic (No I'm not trying to flatter you if that's what you're thinking), could you please give me a review?
 
Frostweaver, I would also like to request a review of my one-shot, "Into The Mud" when you get a chance. Oh, and you don't have to worry about reviewing those chapters I PMed to you, I finally got them the way I wanted. ^_^
 
Frostweaver, I can't agree more on the bit about readership being unreliable. If it's alright to say any names, I happened to read through a good portion of A Wonderful Journey and found it to be absolute kuh-rap. Despite the fact that this was obviously just another poorly-written anime/game rip-off only with a different region and a different team (Team Volt, with two constantly recurring members who end up becoming just as pathetic as Jesse and James), when I read through the thing, I saw reviewers who were praising it to death. WTF? And someone decided to nominate the character, Paul, for the Best Human Character Award on Serebii's Fall 2004 Fanfiction Awards. I've been observing Paul, and I saw absolutely nothing loveable about him. For that matter, there was so much lack in character development that everyone could suddenly get killed off and I doubt you'd miss any of them. Luckily, Paul didn't win that award in the end. Anyway, that's just one good example of how blind and misleading a fic's readership could be. And FW is right, the over-praising reviewers will only say it's good, keep up the work, I can't wait for more, blah blah blah, but they never say what's so good about it.
 
Perhaps they just like the thing as a whole. I often ask them about what they liked in my fics anyway. I appreciate all comments, whether big or small. I basically write just to show off ideas, which is really what fan fiction is all about. I'm sure that short comments can make an author's day.
 
frostweaver said:
Readership is completely unreliable, and should not be used as a method to determine what fanfic is worth praising

Allow me to explain why. Certainly excellent fanfics will immediately catch good reviewer's eyes, and so the readership will be high. That is true. However, what about the people who will say "this is very good I can't wait for the next update" to absolutely everything that is presented to them? Certainly anyone who cruises any board regarding any form of writing will come across this type of readers. Ask them why it's good, and they'll give you the most vague answer of "I like the plot." Certainly perhaps a plot that's identical to the anime may attract their eyes, but I really want to ask them how do they understand the plot when the work is not even spellchecked? Such readers will give a fanfic an unfair amount of readership. Dragonfree has once commented indirectly about this, which I heartily agree to. "How come some fanfics that aren't even readable has more replies and views than some outstanding fanfics here?" This is because of this type of readers. They either got a terribly low standard, or they will do anything to cheer a friend on. Feeling biased is unavoidable when reading the work of a friend, but to that extent is a bit unacceptable...

I think it's true that there might be a certain element of readers/responders who have low standards, but if that's all, then wouldn't they equally be a bit or 'good' fanfics as well as 'bad' fanfics? Or you also mean to say that some random responders will browse through fanfics and respond more often to ones that have generic/recongizeable plotlines? In the case of the latter--especially with the attention span of the twenty-first century netizen in mind--the # of response might draw from a potentially larger personpool (too lazy to think of a better way to say that :\), but the readership won't increase. People will pass through, check something, maybe enjoy it a bit, but unless you're stipulating that there's a significant percentage of people who maintain a constant readership of cliche/poor fanfic but significantly less so of good/original fanfic...

...Well, I don't believe that's so. But if you say it is, I'll certainly believe you, since I've only been active in two fanfic forums, this one and one that died six years ago :(... I will say this. In my experience, a fanfic can have cliche plot elements, or even start out with a (seemingly) cliche plot, but also have something more to it, something that draws it readers and holds them and keeps them, something that develops over time and is recognizeable and is known in the hearts of readers, even those readers who are not so introspective as to be capable of answering much more than "I like the plot"...

Such is Hitmonchan's Diary, which starts off as what seems a great cliche, friends traveling and encountering the TR duo and Ash & gang, with certain bad guys doing bad guy stuff at times which the heroes foil/disrupt. But... well, actually, the first dozen chapters are pretty much cliche, but fun cliche, and the humor is brilliant as well in the initial few chapters, with the British Mewtwo, insane Clefairy and... well, other terrible stuff. Conversation really defines characters, people, situations however; I think the conversation is what really attracted people to the fanfic. Later on it gets somewhat dark, especially with the 'banned' chapter in which Stephen and Misty have to enter the temple with the ancient ghosts that feed on feelings, to fulfill the prophecy that requires emotional/spiritual cleansing through... uh, bad experiences. :\ And of course, the end is not proof that all's well that ends well. Because it doesn't end well, not very well at all in fact. The unfortunate thing is that quite frequently the fanfic should require spell-check/grammar check...But, people didn't/don't seem to mind, myself included, since it's very readable. Honestly, it does occur to me, when looking at it as you probably would, that the first 15 (out of 30) chapters are a good part cliche, and the rest aren't completely break-from-the-norm either I suppose. The sequel, Onix's Garden, however, is very much a well-written sci-fi/dark fic, and doesn't fall under cliche except in the most abstract ways I'd say. Too bad only seven chapters were written...

OK, before I began to rant about my own favorite fanfic, I was talking about... yeah, that. Readership. Fanfics I'd like to put on my page aren't necessarily ones with superb literary quality. If there's a few spelling errors but the content is noticeably enjoyable, that's all that's really necessary for me to want to have the privelege of hosting it, although I'd likely attempt to contact the writer and offer to proofread or help tidy up their work. But, aesthetically, I must say that I do find good writing to be intellectual stimulating, interestingly enough in such a way that discludes the use of comparative allegories... Which is part of why my mind is so very said to be unable to find any of the other great PokeGym work, like Zorak's bizarre/futuristic story he began, and Tyais's one-shot battlefics. Actually, I could probably message Tyais about those...

Ethically I should mention by now that over the course of writing this response attempting to defend readerships as being 'good' fanfic, I've only succeeded in realizing that I have low standards for fanfic. :surprised In which case, I'll just ask y'all to ignore everything I said about readership and just shift everything over to discussion of fanfics with literary quality... What can I say, I'm an emo kid at heart.

And as for your intelligent/observant comments on Pokemon MASTERS, I can only admit that your analyses are better than mine. :classic: Now, I'm off to read the next chapter... or go to sleep... or watch Saturday late night X-Files... hmm...
 
Yamato-san said:
Frostweaver, I can't agree more on the bit about readership being unreliable. If it's alright to say any names, I happened to read through a good portion of A Wonderful Journey and found it to be absolute kuh-rap. Despite the fact that this was obviously just another poorly-written anime/game rip-off only with a different region and a different team (Team Volt, with two constantly recurring members who end up becoming just as pathetic as Jesse and James), when I read through the thing, I saw reviewers who were praising it to death. WTF? And someone decided to nominate the character, Paul, for the Best Human Character Award on Serebii's Fall 2004 Fanfiction Awards. I've been observing Paul, and I saw absolutely nothing loveable about him. For that matter, there was so much lack in character development that everyone could suddenly get killed off and I doubt you'd miss any of them. Luckily, Paul didn't win that award in the end. Anyway, that's just one good example of how blind and misleading a fic's readership could be. And FW is right, the over-praising reviewers will only say it's good, keep up the work, I can't wait for more, blah blah blah, but they never say what's so good about it.


Dude, that ain?t funny. I know some people think your stuff is really good, but don?t go around and bash other people?s fan fictions just because you don?t like them. Plus, some of these guys are young, and have only just started writing their stories. If you kill their spirit to write now, they?ll probably throw away any hope of ever writing anything well ever again.

You know, people have a right to like and dislike what they want, and there?s nothing you can do but just keep on doing what you do best. But seriously dude, don?t kill an early writer?s spirit by outright gutting their fan fiction in front of everyone else. If you don?t like their fan fiction, that?s fine, but to the person who wrote it, it means something. You never know how much faith a person puts in their work, and if they had the guts to spend the time to write it out and make it the best to their ability, obviously it means something. I?ll admit, when I was young, I wrote like crap, but if someone had deliberately said that to my face, I think my writing career could have possibly been forever shattered. And as a little kid, you tend to take insults a lot more seriously.

And really, I know you?ve been talking about your fic a lot lately, and while some people may really like it, others really don?t care that much about it. But I?ve read what you posted, and I think we could both agree that it?s probably a little silly to call it the very zenith of Pok?mon Fan Fiction. I like my work too, but they?re always someone out there that just has a knack for doing it better than anyone else, but still, I respect that.

Look, I definitely hope you keep on writing too, but don?t tear apart another person?s spirit for writing. Contrary to popular belief, words can be very powerful?
 
Rule of thumb in criticizing a fanfic: never state the title of the work, or else flame wars are bound to happen. Always follow this golden rule in the fanfic work unless you're giving a fanfic review for that particular fanfic, which of course you will mention the title of the work, or point out specifically whose writing you are talking about. Right now let's leave A Wonderful Journey and whoever wrote it aside before the mods get here. Though PC does have a reputation of being less strict in comparison to SPPF, PC surprisingly, does give out warnings regardless of its lax atmosphere and what the mods are in/capable of doing in the past.


Words are indeed very powerful, otherwise why do we care about the diction of a story? The precise choosing of words can have such dramatic effect on a story that it will distinguish a good fanfic with a cliche start apart from a poor fanfic with a cliche plot. The difference between the work of a good writer and the work of a bad writer is that a good writer can use the worst plot on earth and turn it brilliant through writing abilities, while a bad writer lacks the writing abilities and will turn the most original plot to trash. Sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

Look at "The Prize" in PC (the link to the story is in my signature) for example. Beyond doubt, the plot is beyond boring to the point of hypnotism, and it is incredibly pointless and unoriginal. The story goes nowhere at all, as the entire oneshot is about the same thing. The story doesn't even advance in pace at all! In blunt words, you can summarize the story in 4 words:

A Kirlia is dancing.

And that is the whole backbone structure of a fanfic. With such a boring and terrible plot backbone, how can this fanfic receive so many praises from the communtiy from all various types of people? This is because of the writer's writing ability. There is no dull moments within this fanfic, nor is it pointless or meaningless. Through the use of various literature devices and writing talents, the author succeeds in turning the most boring plot on earth into one of the most precise and beautiful Pokemon fanfiction ever.

On the other hand, you often hear some writers talk of "it will get better in the next chapter." These writers often talk of many brilliant promises, *especially* the future development of the plot. Well perhaps they do have brilliant ideas in their mind, but what good can that do if you see 12 different conversations in 14 lines worth of typing, all of them in the manner of "<4-5 word long pretty much meaningless except mentioning how there is a gym on the next island/region-like conversation>" said <insert anime character here repeatingly? Let all readers frown at such a horrid sight. Cliche plots do not make a fanfic terrible or not, but might as well associate cliche plots with bad fanfics if 97% of all cliche plots turn out bad. (this is mainly due to the anime influence, where all beginning writers mistaken the Pokemon world to have to be in this manner)

Conversations are indeed useful and are even necessary to some fanfics. However, what's the point of conversations if I can switch the lines of two characters around, and no one will notice the change? This means that either the characters are lacking in development, are cameo characters who appear for no more than 5 second, or the conversation is poorly written due to lack of tone, which is also related to diction and writing ability. Everything in a writing task relates back to one's writing ability, where it has almost infinite power in the world of writing.

Writing qualities do not limit a writer to just checking grammars. Why did Ash refer to Delia as "mom" and not "mother"? Why did the writer take this choice? Why is Pikachu always walking behind Ash in this fanfic and never mentoined to be on Ash's shoulder or anything like the anime? Such things which are unrelated to grammar are also part of a writer's writing skill, which is the only determining factor in what is a good and bad fanfic, for as proven already, a writer with immense writing ability can turn all tides around.

Good fanfics may not have a very good readership sometimes. Possibly the identity of a writer matters. Try to write about the benefits of democracy in a communist country (along with vice versa), and let's see your readership. Definitely, there will be some "influences." Also, length scares off a LOT of people. Pokemon MASTER got so many hits and is well famous for all writers, yet the number of reviews in fanfiction.net for the story only got 300 or so, and for a fanfic that has existed for 5 years going into its 6, that's pretty little. Ever considered that this is because Pokemon Master has half a million of words in length? This scary number will drive off a lot of readers.

Readership is rather unreliable in another possible way you look at it as a criteria for a good fanfic. A good fanfic can automatically prove itself to the world that it is good, regardless of whatever plot it is running out of.
 
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@ The Quest for the Legends (ch.6)

-this writing style certainly irritates me... but so many filler dialogues that got no narration/description in between them ;_;

-very pleased to see a major improvement in terms of using what seems to be an irrelevant event to imply various things about characters and the story. I loved the important role the Pokeball played in this chapter, along with the ironic speech about pokemon training/pokeballs to Eevee. It's *almost* funny XD

-I am aware that you do play the Pokemon game up to a competitive battle enough to know calm mind as stat boosters, but this is a game vocabulary, not a fanfic vocabulary. It's not the proper choice of dictions here. Perhaps something like further boosting its strength instead of stats. The game and fanfic are related but not the same.

-it is very pleasing to see a battle that is not written for the sake of entertainment like what most action scenes are written for, but for the sake of characterization as well... very well done there.

-by far, best chapter out of Quest for the Legends so far

Good Points
-usage of Pokeball symbolism
-usage of dramatic irony
-the start of deeper character development

Focuses to Work On
-reduce the amount of "filler dialogues"
-be careful not to combine some aspects of the game with the fanfic, which do not work out in the end (such as the specialized game vocabulary)

Grammar Basics: 10/10
Characterization: 17/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 16/20
Diction: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +5 (dramatic irony +2, contradiction, symbolism, unreliable narrator)


Total: 88

Still need to review HMW as well... but brb ^^;
 
Sorry la~ ^^;;

@ Hoenn Mirror World (up to ch.5)

-now I'll not bother mentioning the things that I've already discussed with you on MSN the other day ^^; no need to repeat them again

-watch out for "your" and "you're"... it's mistakes like this where I advice you to take the time to proofread, ignoring however your readers want you to update your story on a daily basis. These are silly mistakes which are obvious signs of lack of sufficient proofreading. Stopping the frequent updates should be well enough to cut this out.

-characters continue to suffer a terrible feature where you can flip their names around and you can't tell the difference; with Cascadia being the only one with slight differences due to her historical background as an Aqua Sorceress. Script/"Semi-script" fanfictions can still use a lot of characterization through dialogues.

-try to add more description to battle scenes than just mentioning the attacks somewhere and the result of the attack. What are the attacks like? Add some details to it. Many other fanfics in PC and certainly there must be a few in PE2K too that you can take a bit from. Neo-Pikachu and Iveechan excel the most out of all PC writers in terms of describing battling scenes (out of the ones I've seen so far).

-watch out for conflicting tenses where there are both past and present tenses in the same sentence for some oddball reasons... for the narration part, past tense seems the most fitting. Of course in dialogues, present tense should be dominating.

-considering using the prooper terminologies when dealing with scriptfic, such as a suliloquy, or an aside

-do NOT ever say in your narration something along the lines of "... refer back to chapter ____" as that is a very poor saying for the narrator... the narrator should be neutral in these moments, and the narrator is not a character who can suddenly flip from an annoucement to a sudden aside like that...

-even in scriptfics can there be transitions... just a lot harder to do (hence why scriptfic is generally discouraged everywhere.) Right now how the 2 team's leaders' appearances are rather awkward... try to link them up with the rest of the story.

Good Points:
-original ideas of the plot
-review/"glossary" to assist the reader in reviewing what happenined in previous chapters regarding original items, and some stats about the Pokemon
-a decent scriptfic attempt

Focuses to Work On:
-character/Pokemon development
-battle scenes enhancement
-try using transitions to link ideas together even if this is a script-hybrid
-do more proofreading by slowing down update a little (daily is just insane for PE2K)

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization:
13/20
Coherence/Readability:
9/10
Tone/Structure:
12/20
Diction:
12/20
Effort/Originality:
17/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+0

Total: 71
 
frostweaver said:
-watch out for "your" and "you're"... it's mistakes like this where I advice you to take the time to proofread, ignoring however your readers want you to update your story on a daily basis. These are silly mistakes which are obvious signs of lack of sufficient proofreading. Stopping the frequent updates should be well enough to cut this out.
Yeah... lack of proofreading is the drawback of frequent updates...

frostweaver said:
-characters continue to suffer a terrible feature where you can flip their names around and you can't tell the difference; with Cascadia being the only one with slight differences due to her historical background as an Aqua Sorceress. Script/"Semi-script" fanfictions can still use a lot of characterization through dialogues.
I originally planned to write some special "background stories" of the main characters, but I've never gotten around to it. I do explain a little of Mariah's past in chapter 12 and 16, and I'm hoping to get into further detail in their backgrounds in the sequel.

frostweaver said:
-try to add more description to battle scenes than just mentioning the attacks somewhere and the result of the attack. What are the attacks like? Add some details to it. Many other fanfics in PC and certainly there must be a few in PE2K too that you can take a bit from. Neo-Pikachu and Iveechan excel the most out of all PC writers in terms of describing battling scenes (out of the ones I've seen so far).
I always had a feeling that the battles could be better...

frostweaver said:
-watch out for conflicting tenses where there are both past and present tenses in the same sentence for some oddball reasons... for the narration part, past tense seems the most fitting. Of course in dialogues, present tense should be dominating.
Tense, tense, tense... Should've seen that coming.

frostweaver said:
-considering using the prooper terminologies when dealing with scriptfic, such as a suliloquy, or an aside
To be honest, that's what got me in trouble at Serebii. I tried to post a G/S/C spinoff where a Raichu invites her pals to a vacation. I used script terms like "cut" and "switch", and it ended up being locked by the time the story was in its second-to-last chapter. And that's for doing a TV style script. If I done something like a suliloquy, then I'd be hated for life. I'm sorry, but I really can't risk doing something like that unless it's a lovey-dovey scene and it actually fits the mood (not to mention that the "suliloquy" is from a geeky guy to attract a popular girl's attraction [An episode of Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi should sound familar to those who watch the show]).

frostweaver said:
-do NOT ever say in your narration something along the lines of "... refer back to chapter ____" as that is a very poor saying for the narrator... the narrator should be neutral in these moments, and the narrator is not a character who can suddenly flip from an annoucement to a sudden aside like that...
Well, how else am I supposed to let the readers know about a character that appeared in an earlier chapter?

frostweaver said:
-even in scriptfics can there be transitions... just a lot harder to do (hence why scriptfic is generally discouraged everywhere.) Right now how the 2 team's leaders' appearances are rather awkward... try to link them up with the rest of the story.
Don't worry. That won't be the last time you'll see 'em. They'll be coming back in 8 (their Shadow counterparts), 9, 15, 16, 18, 20, 21 and briefly in 26. Despite their holding-up Mariah's mission, they're NOT the main villians in the fic. The main villian will be mentioned in chapter 17, but they won't meet him until 21.

frostweaver said:
Good Points:
-original ideas of the plot
-review/"glossary" to assist the reader in reviewing what happenined in previous chapters regarding original items, and some stats about the Pokemon
-a decent scriptfic attempt
I'm glad you like my ideas. As for the review/glossary, I've used that before in a Trainer fic that I've done. I no longer do those since I've started on HMW, though.

frostweaver said:
Focuses to Work On:
-character/Pokemon development
-battle scenes enhancement
-try using transitions to link ideas together even if this is a script-hybrid
-do more proofreading by slowing down update a little (daily is just insane for PE2K)
Nobody never pointed out those back in PE2K. Well, one person pointed out the tenses, but that was minor in his eyes. Oh, well.

frostweaver said:
Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization:
13/20
Coherence/Readability:
9/10
Tone/Structure:
12/20
Diction:
12/20
Effort/Originality:
17/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+0

Total: 71
I was hoping for a slightly better score...

"image removed" I don't know. It's better than your test scores in your chemistry class.

Hey, what are you doing here?! Shouldn't you be back at PE2K? And how did you know about my test scores?!

"image removed" What? Can't I drop by to see how you're doing here? As for that last question, you didn't think that I can't peep in your backpack?

*knocks Meowth to the side* Please ignore that.
 
maybe I shouldn't have said names.... too late now. Anyway, in case you all forget, I'm the type of person who would gladly accept any type of criticism, good or bad, just as long as it gets its point across. With such criticism, I would be able to improve on my own writing style.

I didn't intend to shatter anyone's dreams (I think A Wonderful Journey has been discontinued anyway), and if anything, I think that writers with a bunch of blind followers for their fanbase need to hear a little negative criticism for their own good. What do you think is more likely to improve a writer's skills? A harsh, but far, analysis of a few of the many mistakes that are made in the writer's fic? Or a bunch of mindless zombies constantly giving reviews that're no further indepth than "It's good, give me more"? It doesn't matter if you think a person is young and only recently started out. If someone new wrote a steaming pile of **** that doesn't even compare to the stuff that Mr. Catdog parodizes, do you think they're deserving of any praise? You may be right about newbies being psychologically fragile, but you can't be extremely soft with them either. You gotta at least get it through to them what they're doing wrong. Otherwise, we're gonna end up with a thousand fics that're nothing more than a playing log of a person's Ruby/Sapphire data.
 
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