Fanfiction Lounge
- Thread starter ^^NICK^^ v.2.0
- Start date
- Status
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,246
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 35
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
Keep in midn that hardly anyone uses the fanfic lounge besides me XD; (exams until Thursday ;_; then it's finally over la~)
I'll say that you should PM Jedi Amara and ask her about it... she excels in describing things ^^; possibly she can help you?
I'll say that you should PM Jedi Amara and ask her about it... she excels in describing things ^^; possibly she can help you?
Pidgeot500
Homeless
- 90
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Massachusetts
- Seen Jun 19, 2006
Thank you, I have sent her a PM and am probably going to spend more time browsing the net over the weekend. :)
Aiya Quackform
Her High Quackiness
- 189
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 36
- In a blue house with a blue window.
- Seen Jan 2, 2009
Chapter 4 of "The One Drop" is up. It has a lot of my favorite character, Atzie, in it. I'd really appreciate some reviews on it!
Geometric-sama
The Manly Man of Steel
- 11,440
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 63
- Melbourne, Australia
- Seen Apr 26, 2018
As I PMed back, I'm not sure but the only thing I can think of is a poncho - I'm a little distracted right now, having just dropped my entire GC fansite into the wrong folder on the server o_O
Flatulus
God of Wind
- 82
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Age 36
- Seen Nov 17, 2005
I posted the first Chapter of my first fan fic last night, it's called 'Destiny of Understanding', and I really need to know whether I'm on the right track to writting a reasonable fan fic... please can someone help me by pointing out ever mistake I've made so far, so as to help me make it a better fan fic.
Strawberry Delcatty
Neko daisuki-na no nya!
- 752
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Age 38
- California
- Seen Aug 20, 2006
Chapter 17 of Hoenn Mirror World is up.
Just wondering, but how is everyone liking the story so far? I know it isn't much of fan fic of the week material here, but I hope you guys like it. ^_^;
Just wondering, but how is everyone liking the story so far? I know it isn't much of fan fic of the week material here, but I hope you guys like it. ^_^;
Geometric-sama
The Manly Man of Steel
- 11,440
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 63
- Melbourne, Australia
- Seen Apr 26, 2018
While we have all these people here promoting their fics, can I push my new ones too? XD "Ridiculous" and "Letters From Amy" - links in my sig :P
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,246
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 35
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
@ Final Fantasy-Pokemon Crossover (both parts)
-sorie if ths rview gto bad tpyos bceause Froyst's eeys burned deu to no blank lines between paragraphs... ekees!
-title needs to be worked on... that is only the genre of the fanfic, and really should not be used as the fanfic title =/ Don't get the genre and the title mixed up!
-grammar mistakes that you already know about... just watch out for them. Also, be careful of suddenly missing the "the"s for no reason. Can *really* use the grammar check function though... I open up the documents on my MSWord and out pop all those green lines o.o;
-story cutlines are sometimes placed in awkward positions... for example, the first cutline in part 2 after Lady Dominique's warning and Andy getting up to eat are rather *highly* related along the same line, making the cutline rather unnecessary...
-at least a good 95% of the time, all casual conversations use present tense ^^
-the whole background story about dream stones can very well become an interlude itself... or cut the story there to flip the POV around so you have more flexibility and control over the story. Right now you have an insane amount of conversations already that you seriously need to value every opportunity you got to turn some of those conversations into narrations. o.o;
-the whole idea about Mewna being able to "see" what is inside a dreaming stone that isn't hers is very vague... it's contradicting itself in the sense that she cannot remember the dream yet she knew that she is seeing the recorded memory inside the dreaming stone... I think that I know what you're trying to say, but you'll have to watch your diction really carefully there. Right now as it stands, that part of the story is very confusing.
-watch out for "your right" and "you're right"
-I didn't like the Journey Sphere being readable by others too much... it doesn't make some of the more intimate thought reasonable to be recorded in a "public diary." It's probably better if say only the viewer can view it again, or the 4 of them each has their own sphere. It's really against logic right now regarding what some of the entry says... for example, technically Jake's distrust towards Andy will be made very obvious (to the point of "literal") if the sphere's records can be viewed by Andy. It's just not a very sensible and logical thing to do...
-sorry for such a brief review but this thing is a bit too long for me to re-read for 2nd/3rd time like all the other fanfics...
Good Points
-concepts from both FFX/X-2 and Pokemon are incorporated nicely *best part*
-good battling descriptions
Focuses to Improve On
-grammar and story readability
-confusing usage of diction at times
-try to have less conversations in your story to balance out the narration and dialogue, especially with the "filler lines" which are rather useless and acts unnecessary length to your story (such as the bird/bird singing scene)
-character relationships are shown, but besides Jake it's always literal (as in, said out loud or just recorded in the Journey Sphere). Try to expand on character relationships indirectly.
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 7/10
Tone/Structure: 14/20
Diction: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus:+1 (minor-satire)
Total: 77
-sorie if ths rview gto bad tpyos bceause Froyst's eeys burned deu to no blank lines between paragraphs... ekees!
-title needs to be worked on... that is only the genre of the fanfic, and really should not be used as the fanfic title =/ Don't get the genre and the title mixed up!
-grammar mistakes that you already know about... just watch out for them. Also, be careful of suddenly missing the "the"s for no reason. Can *really* use the grammar check function though... I open up the documents on my MSWord and out pop all those green lines o.o;
-story cutlines are sometimes placed in awkward positions... for example, the first cutline in part 2 after Lady Dominique's warning and Andy getting up to eat are rather *highly* related along the same line, making the cutline rather unnecessary...
-at least a good 95% of the time, all casual conversations use present tense ^^
-the whole background story about dream stones can very well become an interlude itself... or cut the story there to flip the POV around so you have more flexibility and control over the story. Right now you have an insane amount of conversations already that you seriously need to value every opportunity you got to turn some of those conversations into narrations. o.o;
-the whole idea about Mewna being able to "see" what is inside a dreaming stone that isn't hers is very vague... it's contradicting itself in the sense that she cannot remember the dream yet she knew that she is seeing the recorded memory inside the dreaming stone... I think that I know what you're trying to say, but you'll have to watch your diction really carefully there. Right now as it stands, that part of the story is very confusing.
-watch out for "your right" and "you're right"
-I didn't like the Journey Sphere being readable by others too much... it doesn't make some of the more intimate thought reasonable to be recorded in a "public diary." It's probably better if say only the viewer can view it again, or the 4 of them each has their own sphere. It's really against logic right now regarding what some of the entry says... for example, technically Jake's distrust towards Andy will be made very obvious (to the point of "literal") if the sphere's records can be viewed by Andy. It's just not a very sensible and logical thing to do...
-sorry for such a brief review but this thing is a bit too long for me to re-read for 2nd/3rd time like all the other fanfics...
Good Points
-concepts from both FFX/X-2 and Pokemon are incorporated nicely *best part*
-good battling descriptions
Focuses to Improve On
-grammar and story readability
-confusing usage of diction at times
-try to have less conversations in your story to balance out the narration and dialogue, especially with the "filler lines" which are rather useless and acts unnecessary length to your story (such as the bird/bird singing scene)
-character relationships are shown, but besides Jake it's always literal (as in, said out loud or just recorded in the Journey Sphere). Try to expand on character relationships indirectly.
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 7/10
Tone/Structure: 14/20
Diction: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus:+1 (minor-satire)
Total: 77
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,246
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 35
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
@ Trials of Reluctance (lost count for the amount of chapters reviewed)
-somehow once again the anime-styled anime plot actually caught my attention, regardless of how often I dreaded anime plot as usually they're poorly done... a few moments I actually chuckled a bit (Go Gabby Go XD!)
-the whole whirlpool incident can be expanded a bit though... a bit rushed at a few places, such as dealing with the hypocrisy of the town
-the author's note explanation about "possible" reasons why May contradicted herself to go on a journey should be explained directly/indirectly in the story really... even if they're just "possible" reasons, they should at least be hinted/supported from Part 1
-watch out for unneeded incomplete sentences... or periods and commas being flipped around.
-a bit *too unreal* to have Wally's parents not doing anything at the point of Wally losing consciousness... that's a bit too far in "learning self independence" o.o; better to have them entering the scene along the same time as Norman to fit logic a bit better
-using the TMs on the spot as if it's worked by words alone is also a bit awkward...
-*rofl* That magma grunt and Brendan are just masters at puns and irony XD
-watch out for repeating what you've said... like stating how Brendan's pumped in the narration, then next line Brendan claims that he's now pumped.
-remember that possessive pronouns need the funny ' sign =p
-also, beware of random capitalization ^^;
-(comment: I understood the "aura thing" without any difficulty at all myself... ah must be influences from Pokemon MASTER who did the same thing in a way pretty much ^^ As for Roxanne, I thought that the annoying teacher attitude suited her manga counterpart, amplified for comedical and antongistical reasons ^^)
-50% stronger not 1.5% ^^; or 150% percent of the original power... but either way you look at it, not 1.5%
-hmm i didn't find it as smooth as all the other parts of the story to see "inside Mia's thoughts" and etc... leaving that bracket out will actually be even better as it will not only be Mia's but also younger May's thoughts as well (aka doubling your scores with the character development department)
-just a question type of thing... I'm all ok about Alia being capable of making witty comebacks due to superior AI, but how does Alia know when to comment on something that's purely visual like Brawly's "signature move?" =p Don't tell me the pokedex got a 3rd eye o.o;
-a few confusing usages of pronouns are also present... such as a "she" mixing Mia up for May
-btw... I just thought of it now as I see Steven, but is the allusion of Daigo being Steven's japanese name intended? ^^; Daigo is Steven's japanese name... so yeah
-hmm why not use the manga's setup for some of the bad guys anyway? If this is to take a few things from the manga as well... however you choose it though. Either way works for me.
-*rofl* Briney is too right about DoaV XD
-I'm terribly upset that there are no shroomish-mario jokes... I mean, that was very disappointing ;_;
-a bit loss on numel and electrike until the author's notes section... can use a *lot* more clarification on their appearance really
-it's 2 o'clock and the 4 hour fanfic marathon must be put on a halt until tomorrow morning where I shall continue with another 4 hours of intense reading ^^
-somehow once again the anime-styled anime plot actually caught my attention, regardless of how often I dreaded anime plot as usually they're poorly done... a few moments I actually chuckled a bit (Go Gabby Go XD!)
-the whole whirlpool incident can be expanded a bit though... a bit rushed at a few places, such as dealing with the hypocrisy of the town
-the author's note explanation about "possible" reasons why May contradicted herself to go on a journey should be explained directly/indirectly in the story really... even if they're just "possible" reasons, they should at least be hinted/supported from Part 1
-watch out for unneeded incomplete sentences... or periods and commas being flipped around.
-a bit *too unreal* to have Wally's parents not doing anything at the point of Wally losing consciousness... that's a bit too far in "learning self independence" o.o; better to have them entering the scene along the same time as Norman to fit logic a bit better
-using the TMs on the spot as if it's worked by words alone is also a bit awkward...
-*rofl* That magma grunt and Brendan are just masters at puns and irony XD
-watch out for repeating what you've said... like stating how Brendan's pumped in the narration, then next line Brendan claims that he's now pumped.
-remember that possessive pronouns need the funny ' sign =p
-also, beware of random capitalization ^^;
-(comment: I understood the "aura thing" without any difficulty at all myself... ah must be influences from Pokemon MASTER who did the same thing in a way pretty much ^^ As for Roxanne, I thought that the annoying teacher attitude suited her manga counterpart, amplified for comedical and antongistical reasons ^^)
-50% stronger not 1.5% ^^; or 150% percent of the original power... but either way you look at it, not 1.5%
-hmm i didn't find it as smooth as all the other parts of the story to see "inside Mia's thoughts" and etc... leaving that bracket out will actually be even better as it will not only be Mia's but also younger May's thoughts as well (aka doubling your scores with the character development department)
-just a question type of thing... I'm all ok about Alia being capable of making witty comebacks due to superior AI, but how does Alia know when to comment on something that's purely visual like Brawly's "signature move?" =p Don't tell me the pokedex got a 3rd eye o.o;
-a few confusing usages of pronouns are also present... such as a "she" mixing Mia up for May
-btw... I just thought of it now as I see Steven, but is the allusion of Daigo being Steven's japanese name intended? ^^; Daigo is Steven's japanese name... so yeah
-hmm why not use the manga's setup for some of the bad guys anyway? If this is to take a few things from the manga as well... however you choose it though. Either way works for me.
-*rofl* Briney is too right about DoaV XD
-I'm terribly upset that there are no shroomish-mario jokes... I mean, that was very disappointing ;_;
-a bit loss on numel and electrike until the author's notes section... can use a *lot* more clarification on their appearance really
-it's 2 o'clock and the 4 hour fanfic marathon must be put on a halt until tomorrow morning where I shall continue with another 4 hours of intense reading ^^
Last edited:
Isaac Gravity
Supports hot-bloodedness
- 262
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- A quiet place where I can stare at the clouds
- Seen Aug 24, 2008
(Blinks) Don't know what to say really... Yeah, I suck at most points... (Especially at grammatical flaws. Curse New York's shoddy public school system!) I will consider the bracket thing since in when I post in ff.net the brackets don't appear anyway.
The whole Daigo thing... Well, actually I based that name off one of my favorite characters from the game Rival Schools (I recently learned from a fellow writer in ff.net about Steven's manga name so I pretty much hung my head sadly when I found out but then shrugged it off.)
Shroomish-Mario jokes... Never saw that pun myself until you pointed it out... now I AM upset with myself. As for that scene concerning Alia... when revising the scene I was thinking on how to redo it but laziness got to me and figured the readers would assume something about her desgins sensors or something... But all in all I got no exscuse.
(Yawns lazily) 4 hours and 4 more to come? Man, I write too much... don't destroy your eyes on my account.
The whole Daigo thing... Well, actually I based that name off one of my favorite characters from the game Rival Schools (I recently learned from a fellow writer in ff.net about Steven's manga name so I pretty much hung my head sadly when I found out but then shrugged it off.)
Shroomish-Mario jokes... Never saw that pun myself until you pointed it out... now I AM upset with myself. As for that scene concerning Alia... when revising the scene I was thinking on how to redo it but laziness got to me and figured the readers would assume something about her desgins sensors or something... But all in all I got no exscuse.
(Yawns lazily) 4 hours and 4 more to come? Man, I write too much... don't destroy your eyes on my account.
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,246
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 35
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
@ Trials of Reluctance (continued)
-pretty sure that Electrike is actually based off a vermin o.o;
-watch out for consistency within your story... sometimes Wally is 10, yet other times he is 11?
-watch out for "accept" and "exccept" ^^; same pronounciation but different meaning
-pretty sure "uber" is not a usable fanfiction term ^^;
-don't say "flasback to chapter ___". Refer to the events itself, such as "flashback to the Pokemon Academy when May challenged Roxanne" and etc etc
-now is chuchu another one of those unintended allusion? Chuchu is the name of Yellow's Pikachu so "Yellow is Mrs. Stone?" O.o; Ahem... surely that is unintended like Daigo I believe...
-in terms of game technicalities, berserk gene will not powerup the custom tactic Sub-Zero Hell due to the fact that it's ice based attacks, which means that it runs on special attack while berserk gene boosts physical attack power ;p from a game perspective that's how things would have worked out, but fanfic is different from game as long as you will it... not a mistake but just a comment regarding the author's notes
-Wally's change is still a bit rushed I think... he was as feeble as a wingless fly in his last appearance, and now he's screaming his lungs out for someone else to kick everyone elses' sad behinds? O.o; (don't forget the "miraculous" cure for the asthma!) And that adult-joke-attempt cracked by Wally is also a bit... unnecessarily OOC o.o; not to mention it's because we've never seen Steven as a "womanizer" anywhere else in the story, lacking support for the joke.
-Steven is also changing a bit too jolly too quickly... last time we see him as a serious man when dealing with the "cure" for the serum, leaving us with a painfully memorable serious quotes before he leaves the scene... and now this honorable man has degraded to a womanizer who has to manipulate a 11 year old to get autographed unmentionables-and-the-likes?
-hmm... I'm a bit confused at what happened to Brendan after he faced the Aqua members with Angelique... o.o; and how he's saved by Brawly/Roxanne and all
Good Points
-great usage of dramatic irony and puns to add humor into the story
-well designed characters and each characters' relationship with one another
-original yet follows the backbone structure of the Pokemon game
Focuses to Improve On
-GRAMMAR
-characters can change too rapidly (Steven and Wally mainly)
-clarification should be done in the story, not in the author's notes
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization: 17/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 18/20
Diction: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 20/20
Lit. Device bonus:+4 (satirical humor, pun, dramatic irony +2)
Total: 91 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}
Well done! An excellent read even if it took 8 hours in total ^^
-pretty sure that Electrike is actually based off a vermin o.o;
-watch out for consistency within your story... sometimes Wally is 10, yet other times he is 11?
-watch out for "accept" and "exccept" ^^; same pronounciation but different meaning
-pretty sure "uber" is not a usable fanfiction term ^^;
-don't say "flasback to chapter ___". Refer to the events itself, such as "flashback to the Pokemon Academy when May challenged Roxanne" and etc etc
-now is chuchu another one of those unintended allusion? Chuchu is the name of Yellow's Pikachu so "Yellow is Mrs. Stone?" O.o; Ahem... surely that is unintended like Daigo I believe...
-in terms of game technicalities, berserk gene will not powerup the custom tactic Sub-Zero Hell due to the fact that it's ice based attacks, which means that it runs on special attack while berserk gene boosts physical attack power ;p from a game perspective that's how things would have worked out, but fanfic is different from game as long as you will it... not a mistake but just a comment regarding the author's notes
-Wally's change is still a bit rushed I think... he was as feeble as a wingless fly in his last appearance, and now he's screaming his lungs out for someone else to kick everyone elses' sad behinds? O.o; (don't forget the "miraculous" cure for the asthma!) And that adult-joke-attempt cracked by Wally is also a bit... unnecessarily OOC o.o; not to mention it's because we've never seen Steven as a "womanizer" anywhere else in the story, lacking support for the joke.
-Steven is also changing a bit too jolly too quickly... last time we see him as a serious man when dealing with the "cure" for the serum, leaving us with a painfully memorable serious quotes before he leaves the scene... and now this honorable man has degraded to a womanizer who has to manipulate a 11 year old to get autographed unmentionables-and-the-likes?
-hmm... I'm a bit confused at what happened to Brendan after he faced the Aqua members with Angelique... o.o; and how he's saved by Brawly/Roxanne and all
Good Points
-great usage of dramatic irony and puns to add humor into the story
-well designed characters and each characters' relationship with one another
-original yet follows the backbone structure of the Pokemon game
Focuses to Improve On
-GRAMMAR
-characters can change too rapidly (Steven and Wally mainly)
-clarification should be done in the story, not in the author's notes
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization: 17/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 18/20
Diction: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 20/20
Lit. Device bonus:+4 (satirical humor, pun, dramatic irony +2)
Total: 91 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}
Well done! An excellent read even if it took 8 hours in total ^^
Strawberry Delcatty
Neko daisuki-na no nya!
- 752
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Age 38
- California
- Seen Aug 20, 2006
Great. Everyone has a high score from Frosty but me. :-\
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,246
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 35
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
@ Pokemon: Lento Legions (1 chapter and... err)
-spell check please >>; mistakes like spelling it "t" shouldn't exist at all if you used a spellchecker. Same for "yaeh" for "yeah" and "Pro.Plam" for "Pro.Palm"
-flashback counts as a new scene, so start a scenario change for the new scene instead of putting a billion of brackets for it.
-"weird big ball thing" is not something the script direction will say o.o;
-actions are described by stage direction, not brackets tagged on to someone's lines. You're mixing up stage directions with character actions. For example...
The bracket for "groans" is done nicely because it's an action done by Ash. However, May walking out of her cabin on the boat is not something that's done by Ash. Therefore, that line should have been its own line as a stage direction (and technically, stage directions must be written either in square brackets or in italics but for me, as long as it got its own "paragraph" it's fine.)
The reason why scriptfic is so discouraged is because of things like this... improper usage of of the format itself can lead to heavy confusion. Have to really study hard.
-watch out for grammar, such as the period/comma being switched around
-stage direction shouldn't have any 1st person narration at all, and there is no exception. Also, stage direction must remain neutral, so you will have to say "Ash's party" instead of "our hero" as using "hero" will be implying that they're the "good guys."
-talk about TR being completely OOC for absolutely no reason at all =/ Yes it's true that you can do whatever you want in your fanfic, but everything must be justified and explained carefully. Giovanni's sudden change of heart isn't justified nor explained at all, besides the mentioning of some bet that we know nothing about -_-;
-anime battling/anime plot syndrome *cough* o.o; fix it NOW before you earn a reputation of being a OT fic with anime-everything
I'll just end the review here and give you some time to edit ch.2 and all later chapters first before I continue reading/rating the fanfic. There's a lot of planning and hard work that you'll have to do.
-spell check please >>; mistakes like spelling it "t" shouldn't exist at all if you used a spellchecker. Same for "yaeh" for "yeah" and "Pro.Plam" for "Pro.Palm"
-flashback counts as a new scene, so start a scenario change for the new scene instead of putting a billion of brackets for it.
-"weird big ball thing" is not something the script direction will say o.o;
-actions are described by stage direction, not brackets tagged on to someone's lines. You're mixing up stage directions with character actions. For example...
The bracket for "groans" is done nicely because it's an action done by Ash. However, May walking out of her cabin on the boat is not something that's done by Ash. Therefore, that line should have been its own line as a stage direction (and technically, stage directions must be written either in square brackets or in italics but for me, as long as it got its own "paragraph" it's fine.)
The reason why scriptfic is so discouraged is because of things like this... improper usage of of the format itself can lead to heavy confusion. Have to really study hard.
-watch out for grammar, such as the period/comma being switched around
-stage direction shouldn't have any 1st person narration at all, and there is no exception. Also, stage direction must remain neutral, so you will have to say "Ash's party" instead of "our hero" as using "hero" will be implying that they're the "good guys."
-talk about TR being completely OOC for absolutely no reason at all =/ Yes it's true that you can do whatever you want in your fanfic, but everything must be justified and explained carefully. Giovanni's sudden change of heart isn't justified nor explained at all, besides the mentioning of some bet that we know nothing about -_-;
-anime battling/anime plot syndrome *cough* o.o; fix it NOW before you earn a reputation of being a OT fic with anime-everything
I'll just end the review here and give you some time to edit ch.2 and all later chapters first before I continue reading/rating the fanfic. There's a lot of planning and hard work that you'll have to do.
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,246
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 35
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
@ Rise of the Elite (up to ch.5)
-I am personally never too thrilled to have the narrator doing the "interesting jobs" of annoucing who got the hots for who. It just make things dull. I suppose that we can possibly call this a direct sequel to the anime in order to justify for the claim that Drew got a crush on May (as everything needs to be explained, or hinted that it'll be explained in the future, directly or indirectly), but regardless readers should be able to find some way within this fanfic, without the anime, that Drew does have something for May. A hinting of a change of color on Drew's face when Drew is telling Ash that May is still not back yet, or a small sign of being upset when Ash rushes out to look for May can possibly solve all problems.
-overall the narrator is just a bit... dull o.o; It's a good thing that the narrator dealt with everything it had to very clearly, but now we can start to have the narrator take on multiple roles, occassionally siding with the character it is describing and so on ^^
-if Chezni really "passed out" due to all that happened, then all the things that he is capable of doing are very abnormally calm then o.o; Also, Chezni goes on to take the test while he is perfectly aware that he does not have amnesia is also very abnormal (oh look there's these freaks with strange creatures called Pokemon trying to put a few suction cups on you from a machine! That's certainly very safe! Just to give a bit of icing on the cake, let's tell these people that I'm from another planet! No way will they lock me up in a cage for experimental purposes ^^)
-watch out for incomplete sentences
-put the most important ideas at the end, not in the middle. " 'What's next?' she thought" can simply be "What's next?" as it serves the purpose, and in fact adding in "she thought" weakens the tone.
-a little contradiction occured when Lance is questioning Chezni if he's alive due to luck... in Chezni's earlier narration, he sounded like he considered himself to be rather fortunate, while with Lance he was giving himself the credit that his skill saved him.
-physics notes: riiiight... jumping down from a height of 2000 feet, accelerating at 9.81m/s even if you spread out your limbs (which really doesn't slow you down by that much al all in comparison to the great gravitational pull), pulling on a Beautifly's wing will not snap immediately but instead last long enough until it's 20 feet above the ground ;p Yeah... even if Beautifly's muscles (err... or tissue strength) is enough to whip up a gust/small tornado, doubt that it can resist someone accelerating downward since a height of 2000 ft like that XD. It makes the story sound silly when all there are all these scientific buildup with fancy vocabs, then screw up on the physics later ^^;;
Characterization omitted for now due to the fact that the story is still in the shallow ends of the introduction, where the characters are still being introduced (along with the physical description stuff) and haven't yet began in character development.
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: omit/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 15/20
Diction: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (oxymoron)
Total: 64/80 => 80/100
-I am personally never too thrilled to have the narrator doing the "interesting jobs" of annoucing who got the hots for who. It just make things dull. I suppose that we can possibly call this a direct sequel to the anime in order to justify for the claim that Drew got a crush on May (as everything needs to be explained, or hinted that it'll be explained in the future, directly or indirectly), but regardless readers should be able to find some way within this fanfic, without the anime, that Drew does have something for May. A hinting of a change of color on Drew's face when Drew is telling Ash that May is still not back yet, or a small sign of being upset when Ash rushes out to look for May can possibly solve all problems.
-overall the narrator is just a bit... dull o.o; It's a good thing that the narrator dealt with everything it had to very clearly, but now we can start to have the narrator take on multiple roles, occassionally siding with the character it is describing and so on ^^
-if Chezni really "passed out" due to all that happened, then all the things that he is capable of doing are very abnormally calm then o.o; Also, Chezni goes on to take the test while he is perfectly aware that he does not have amnesia is also very abnormal (oh look there's these freaks with strange creatures called Pokemon trying to put a few suction cups on you from a machine! That's certainly very safe! Just to give a bit of icing on the cake, let's tell these people that I'm from another planet! No way will they lock me up in a cage for experimental purposes ^^)
-watch out for incomplete sentences
-put the most important ideas at the end, not in the middle. " 'What's next?' she thought" can simply be "What's next?" as it serves the purpose, and in fact adding in "she thought" weakens the tone.
-a little contradiction occured when Lance is questioning Chezni if he's alive due to luck... in Chezni's earlier narration, he sounded like he considered himself to be rather fortunate, while with Lance he was giving himself the credit that his skill saved him.
-physics notes: riiiight... jumping down from a height of 2000 feet, accelerating at 9.81m/s even if you spread out your limbs (which really doesn't slow you down by that much al all in comparison to the great gravitational pull), pulling on a Beautifly's wing will not snap immediately but instead last long enough until it's 20 feet above the ground ;p Yeah... even if Beautifly's muscles (err... or tissue strength) is enough to whip up a gust/small tornado, doubt that it can resist someone accelerating downward since a height of 2000 ft like that XD. It makes the story sound silly when all there are all these scientific buildup with fancy vocabs, then screw up on the physics later ^^;;
Characterization omitted for now due to the fact that the story is still in the shallow ends of the introduction, where the characters are still being introduced (along with the physical description stuff) and haven't yet began in character development.
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: omit/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 15/20
Diction: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (oxymoron)
Total: 64/80 => 80/100
Last edited:
rubyrulez
Back in Action...again...
- 578
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 37
- Sonnet Town
- Seen Aug 17, 2016
frostweaver said:
Ok, I made a lot of the edits you pointed out in here, especially the spelling errors. Hopefully the story can get a better review now...
Anyways, Thank You for pointing all of that out. I may never have figured it out or caught it on my own, and I hope to become a better fic writer (Which all starts by listening to others advice and constructive critisizm.) :D
EDIT: When you said sequel to the anime, what did you mean. Could I still use the characters I'm using now and twist it into a sequel?
Strawberry Delcatty
Neko daisuki-na no nya!
- 752
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Age 38
- California
- Seen Aug 20, 2006
I posted a little HMW side story called Fishie the Magikarp. I hope you like my little one-shot. =3
Geometric-sama
The Manly Man of Steel
- 11,440
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 63
- Melbourne, Australia
- Seen Apr 26, 2018
AAARGH! You gotta spell it "Fishy", man, not "Fishie"... dude, like, you just can't do that, you know? C'mon, dude... XD
Strawberry Delcatty
Neko daisuki-na no nya!
- 752
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Age 38
- California
- Seen Aug 20, 2006
Blame Hamtareon (my friend's AIM name), not me. :PJedi_Amara said:
- Status